What do you get when you mix a bleached midwestern queen screaming under his bedsheet, with a monotonous, bouncing, electric piano line?

A whole lot of pain - chocolate pain. Here is our rendition of the newest YouTube crazy, Chris Crocker ranting over Tay Zonday’s viral classic, “Chocolate Rainâ€?.

The end result ain’t pretty. We apologize in advance.

Picked this one up via AskMen.com.

“Over the past few months, we’ve all watched Britney Spears experience a decline in her personal life; her dismal performance at Sunday night’s MTV VMA performance suggested that Ms. Spears’ professional pursuits have also suffered.

In this context, it’s easy to forget that there was a time when Britney was every man’s fantasy… that this is the same woman who, in June of 2000, was offered millions of dollars in exchange for her virginity.”

“So now you remember that Britney was once hot. But when was she at her hottest? Or is that time yet to come? We’ve thrown together a few musical moments to help jog your memory.”

See the videos after the jump!… Read more

I’m Coming…To Dinner: Family in Denver finds condom in their Campbell’s soup can. Cream of Mushroom, indeed. (Denver Post)

OMG!??!!!!??!: Tila Tequila’s MTV show, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, in her words: “GUYS AGAINST GIRLS….WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????” So many exclamations, so little time. (Idolator)

Expensive “O” Face: Beautiful Agony is a paid-subscription site that allows you to watch chicks and dudes orgasm…from the neck up. Well, at least Faces of Porn is free. (Beautiful Agony)

Kindred Sprits: Infamous YouTuber “itschrisrocker” lashes out at Britney haters with venom (and complete, unfiltered insanity). (YouTube)

SCALE-BREAKING NEWS: People are fat in certain neighborhoods due to lack of “walking amenities.” This quote came from an “exercise enthusiast,” mind you. (CNN)

Watch the videos after the jump!… Read more

If cutting down the price of the new iPhone by $200 (after only two months on the market) wasn’t enough to put the tech collective in a frenzy, Apple has announced their new iPod - the iPod touch - along with updated models of the Nano and Classic.

The iPod touch sports a 3.5 inch widescreen display with a fully-functional interface not unlike the iPhone (Safari web browser, YouTube). But the biggest draw iPod touch has to offer is wireless downloading capabilities: purchase songs from Wi-Fi iTunes on the fly. Read more

Jigsaw and his apprentice Amanda are dead.

Upon the news of Detective Kerry’s murder, two seasoned FBI profilers, Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson) and Agent Perez, arrive at the depleted police precinct and help veteran Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) sift through Jigsaw’s latest grizzly game of victims and piece together the puzzle. However, when SWAT Commander Rigg, the last officer untouched by Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), is suddenly abducted and thrust into the madman’s harrowing game, the officer has but ninety minutes to overcome a series of interconnected traps…or face the deadly consequences.

“The corporate ladder has been the primary career path for generations of businessmen. Each of them unfairly queued behind a less-deserving man, climbing the rungs of someone else’s company while bearing business cards highlighted by someone else’s name and vision. Climbing this ladder takes a long time and odds are poor you’ll even reach the top. For some men this is OK; it’s a life.”

“For others, queuing on another man’s ladder is no life at all. So they wager big, but not on a raise or a promotion; they bet on themselves and strike out on their own. Five such entrepreneurial gamblers follow, all of whom hit the jackpot before the age of 30.”

Chad Hurley
Primary achievement: Co-founded the video-sharing website YouTube.
Achieved success at: 29

“A fine arts graduate, Hurley landed a job at PayPal when the company purchased a logo he came up with (and are still using as their official logo). While working there, he became friends with PayPal engineers Steve Chen and Jawed Karim. One night in January of 2005, they wondered if there might be an easier way to share videos online than the methods available at the time. By the end of the calendar year, that “easier wayâ€? had a name: YouTube.”

“A year later, in October 2006, the friends sold YouTube to Google for $1.65 billion; Hurley’s share of the sale amounted to well over $300 million. Today he serves as the company’s CEO.”
Read more

The great state of South Carolina is represented flawlessly by Ms. South Carolina, a blonde, dumb-as-bricks girl who sputtered out delicious quotes on the subject of U.S. maps during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

In less than a minute Lauren Caitlin Upton’s brain is able to wax political about the United States’ lack of maps, “The Iraq,” South Africa, “Asian Countries,” education and “everywhere, like and such as.”

I’m 100% positive that she memorized the most-searched political words and phrases on Ask Jeeves when preparing for the pageant.

I’m also 100% positive that I’ll use her answer as my new monologue the next time I audition for a part in a feature film.

Watch the video after the jump.

Read more

“Obama Girl,” also known as random-not-that-hot-but-hot-enough-girl Amber Lee Ettinger to a select few, has strayed from Obama’s powerful clutch and into the arms of another Democrat - Hillary Clinton.

In the latest edition of Steppin’ Out magazine OG appears on the cover, air-brushed into oblivion but looking mighty fine. In her exclusive interview she talked about, like…stuff. And some things…about stuff.

What does this mean to her rabid fanbase? Nothing at all.

Her music video for “I Got a Crush…On Obama,” like most videos featuring “funny girls” on YouTube, is popular for its scantily-clad protagonist, not political topics.

But who cares? I don’t go to YouTube for hot-button issues and politics - I go there for poli-tits (see what I just did there?).

Watch the video for “I Got a Crush…On Obama” after the jump.

Read more

Last year for the first time ever, TIME magazine rated YouTube as its 2006 “Person of the Year.â€? Ummm…last time I checked, a person was a living, breathing, beer funneling, pong playing human – not some silicon chip powered by electricity. Well, in reality TIME claimed that we, the YouTubers were all TIME’s Person of The Year. So, in some twisted way my ego is boosted.

There is a theory in history known as the “Great Manâ€? theory. Thomas Carlyle was largely responsible for the belief that “the history of the world is but the biography of great men,â€? or in dumbed down frat language, that the few and powerful shape our society. With YouTube, and the explosion of other community driven sites and tools, that theory took some serious heat last year.

Fast forward to the beautiful year of 2007 and the growth continues, with some really wacky ideas and sites emerging. All of these sites share a common thread, they deliver on our crack-like addition to on-demand data 24/7, anywhere and by any means possible. Read more

Apparently, one of the Internet fads is to misleadingly link to something, purposely directing poor users to Rick Astley’s music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up.” It’s the new internet sike.This IM convo completely breaks down the situation:

Nik: Have you ever been Rick Rolled?
Jason: Rick Rolled? What’s that?
Nik: Lemme see if I can find.
Nik: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU
Nik: And http://yougotrickrolled.com/
Nik: Just one of those inane Web Things, I guess. :p
Jason: Can’t watch it now, can you describe it to me?
Nik: Oh, it’s when a friend sends you an IM saying they found something so sick (like video of a dog humping a turtle or something along those lines) and include a link.
Nik: And you click it and you get Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up.
Nik: And my god is that a bad music video.
Jason: So basically it’s “Psych! Rick Astley!”

Everyone’s mission for the day: Rick Roll at least 2 friends.

Watch the video after the jump… Read more

My editor, Steve G, recently requested that I finish the top 10 fears that men have from my recent survey, with a few additional comments about them.

Coming in at number FIVE is diarrhea which I am currently suffering from. I am literally peeing out of my asshole. I know a lot of guys say that when they have diarrhea but I am actually peeing out of my asshole, it is a clear liquid coming out of asshole every fifteen minutes. I am glad I am not the only one that is scared of this because it is quite frightening and there is clearly something seriously wrong with me but I have no health insurance, so tough luck.

The SIXTH fear of men is Tom Cruise getting more roles now that he bought United Artists. Read more