In the Amsterdam Olympics, there are no losers, only winners! In one of the major cities of sport—Amsterdam—you can prove superhuman feats of athleticism, with grueling sporting contests involving every possible debauchery the Red Light district has to offer - events illegal in our country, but perfectly accepted by our civilized cousins across the pond. Are you ready to face this extreme-sport action-challenge? Let the games begin!

OPENING TORCH CEREMONY

It’s time to inhale some culture! What better place to kick off the games than one of the city’s beloved coffee shops. You know, they serve “coffee” nudge-nudge wink-wink. At these beloved establishments, all types of pot and hash can be ordered right off of a menu. Just like McDonalds except they don’t ask if you “want fries with that”.

LIVE SEX SHOW EVENT

The first event involves seeing “live humans” on stage having sex. The challenge involves finding a show where the doorman looks the least sleaziest. I’m going to avoid places that advertises “Private Booths”. To me, “Private Booths” mean “sticky floors”.

BIATHLON

Next is a duo challenge. The first part involves drinking some blessed mushroom tea. The second part involves buying a stolen bike off of a junkie for under 20 Euros, then riding around the streets of Amsterdam until the imaginary bats that are attacking your head cause you to curl up in the fetal position behind a bunch of trash cans.

EQUESTRIAN EVENT

There wont be jumping over water with on a horse. But a horse is involved! This event shows mankind’s extreme love for the animal kingdom. Park your newly purchased stolen bike outside the Sex Museum of Amsterdam. Once inside, there are exhibits of standard stuff; sex through the ages artwork, toys, historical stuff. Towards the back is your Holy Grail - the bestiality exhibit. There’s a plaque. To paraphrase; having sex with animals is sinful for males, but is more natural for woman. Hmmmm?

BEDTIME EVENT

Prior to the onset of this last event, consume one very potent Space Cake. (This delicious delicacy, served at most Coffee Shops, is comprised of cake and hash.) After this quick “pick-me-up” snack, return to the Red Light district . Women, clad only in underwear, stand in red-illuminated windows, tapping on the glass like puppies in a pet store wanting a new owner. Inside, there’s a small bed and plenty of Kleenex. Some have curtains drawn, meaning the “rompy-stompy” is taking place. Most look like worn-out moms. The good-looking ones seem hardened. Choose wisely…

CLOSING CEREMONY

Drag yourself out of the drug and sex-fuled haze and make it to the airport before your plane leaves and you’ve successfully completed the Amsterdam Olympics! Now, just give yourself a pat on the back and start saving up for next year’s games.

We all know President-elect Barack Obama has smoked marijuana, but it seems some people don’t think linking him further to the drug is a good idea. And it’s not who you might suspect. Rolling paper company Bambu, which has been included in films such as “Totally Baked: A Pot-u-mentary” and the “Cheech and Chong” series and is widely used for weed-smoking, is suing t-shirt makers Love Fatigues for their Obama t-shirt design that resembles their rolling paper logo.

Not only did Love Fatigues create the design, they advertised the t-shirt in High Times magazine. This caused the Bambu company to write in a complaint filed in Manhattan that the design could “subject Bambu to criticism and scorn,” by creating a relationship between the incoming president and smoking an illegal drug. Read more

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Tyler R. Sutton, 18, pleaded guilty this morning in Tippecanoe Superior Court 2 to three counts of operating a vehicle with a controlled substance causing death and feticide, all Class C felonies.

If Judge Thomas Busch accepts Sutton’s plea with the Tippecanoe County prosecutor’s office, at least two of those counts would have to be served concurrently - meaning the former North Montgomery High School student could spend 16 or more years in prison. [Journal & Courier]

The Times Higher Education, a London-based higher-education magazine, recently ranked Penn the 11th-best university in the world, a three-place improvement over last year.

The rankings are based on peer and employee review as well as data on the school’s research output, teaching, and international orientation.

The survey ranked 200 schools in 32 countries.

[Daily Pennsylvanian]

Princeton University Professor Paul Krugman, known as much for his criticism of George W. Bush’s policies as for his academic work, won the Nobel Prize in economics for his theories on world trade.

Krugman, 55, was honored “for his analysis of trade patterns and location of economic activity,” said the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences, which selects the winners. His work showed how economies of scale influence trade and urbanization. [Bloomberg]

I was surfing the new today and ran across a story on City Rag called Pot Break that features images of celebrities and common folk like you and I getting stoned in NYC.

It reminded me of a COED story from way back when called 13 Celebrity Stoners Caught on Camera.

Celebrities are stalked by the paparazzi 24/7, so it’s inevitable that the camera Nazis will nail their prey indulging in high activities from time to time. It’s the Hollywood way.

Only problem is the pictures are a little too risque for the likes of print publications such as US Weekly, People and others. That’s why we pulled them from the vast archive of the internet to serve to you on a digital platter.

If you want to see some of today’s biggest A-kist celebrities (and some d-listers like Aaron Carter) getting high than check out 13 Celebrity Stoners Caught on Camera.

We are nearing the point where a Josh Howard for Ron Artest swap would have been a character upgrade for the Mavs.

In a recent YouTube video, Josh Howard was filmed at Allen Iverson’s charity flag football game in July ‘voicing out his true colors’ during the American National Anthem.

When the camera panned to the direction of the recently extremely-troubled Maverick small forward, he states, ” ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ is going on. I don’t celebrate this [expletive]. I’m black.”  He then goes on to make a comment about Barack Obama.

This was first reported by Eddie Sefko of the Dallas Morning News, and has allegedly been ‘handled’ already by Dallas owner Mark Cuban by means of “communication-skill sessions” during camp in upcoming weeks.

Add this to his admission to marijuana use and his arrest for speeding and reckless driving in North Carolina, and now the Mavs are biting their hands when they realize that they probably could have landed defensive menace Artest from the Kings in exchange for Howard.

Who would have ever thought that Artest would ever be the better character guy in a one-for-one swap in any NBA trade?  The Mavs certainly didn’t think so at the beginning of the summer, but now they might be starting to change their mind.

(Image: D210.tv)

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A Lesson for Those Studying Abroad

Nothing makes for a relaxing vacation like toking on some dank sh*t. But if your plans involve flying, getting your stash from home to your destination involves breaking quite a few laws. So to keep you from having to track down a dealer when you’re from out of town–never a good plan–we’ve laid out exactly how to sneak a bit on board without the Department of Homeland security shoving a German shepherd up your a**. But remember, if you still get caught, we’ve never met…

Find out how to fly with pot after the break! Read more

I work in a sh*t-hole on the verge of bankruptcy, and I love it. I’m currently employed by a locally owned sandwich shop/late night drunk food emporium. If it’s 2:30 in the morning, you’re hammered and you need a hot dog that’s been warming on rollers for three hours we’ve got you covered. I make just above minimum wage, but for the work I do it’s almost robbery. Almost.

There’s nothing better than a summer job that requires no real thought, almost no work, and a boss who smokes a lot of pot. For the past three summers, I’ve worked for the maintenance division of a national park. It was a lot of physical work outdoors. I made great money, but I had to do a lot of work. This summer I make almost no money, but I don’t have to do anything. And as sad as it is, I actually prefer making and doing nothing. As a bonus I work with a bunch of college drop-outs and stoners who’ve never had real jobs and complain about what little we’re expected to do. Since I don’t complain, and work whenever it’s necessary, I look great. My boss absolutely loves me. Read more

Are you sitting down? Ok. Apparently, a Tennessee Highway Patrol helicopter spotted a massive marijuana-growing operation in Cherokee National Forest, just miles from the Tennessee/North Carolina border. The officers seized 35,000 plants, equaling $700 million in “street value” prices.

Authorities found a campsite near the harvest, which is suspected to have been occupied by the illicit farmers. Though no one was found at the camp, arrests are expected soon, says KnoxNews.com.

Let’s just get something straight: That…is a f**kload of pot. We don’t know what they did with it, but probably the plants were destroyed. For a country that loves money (and smoking weed) as much as we do, that seems like an idiotic waste of product.

(Image source: KnoxNews.com)

“That bong doesn’t look anything like a vagina,” you might be thinking right now. And you couldn’t be more right. But that’s because it’s not supposed to look like a vagina. You’re supposed to stick it in one to use it.

Let’s let the patent do the talking:

The lower end cooperates with the wall of the vagina to form a water reservoir holding water in the lower end and the vagina. A stem is received into the inlet port with an end opening submerged in the water reservoir. Suction applied at the exit port draws air through the stem to bubble through the water reservoir to generate stimulatory vibrations transmitted to the vagina. Optionally, a bowl holding combustible material communicates with the stem such that smoke bubbles through the water reservoir to simultaneously filter and cool the smoke and generate stimulatory vibrations. Read more

Back in the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s, weed was nothing much more than some funky grass that made you feel chill, silly and hungry. But today, the US government’s Office of National Drug Control Policy has announced that the average percentage of THC, the psychoactive ingredient, in the currently available marijuana has risen to 9.6-percent, up from 1983’s report of just under 4-percent.

The study was done by the University of Mississippi’s Potency Monitoring Project (how do we join?), which tested 62,797 cannabis samples, 1,302 hashish samples, and 468 hash oil samples, confiscated by law enforcement. “The increases in marijuana potency are of concern since they increase the likelihood of acute toxicity, including mental impairment,” said Dr. Nora Volkow, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

Increased mental impairment a concern? Well, our only concern is getting our hands on some of that bud.

[Props to Gawker for this bit]