Now that the President has shown everyone in the world what $8 Billion worth of military and interrogation research can yield, it is time we ponder where the money was best spent. Yeah, yeah, yeah – waterboarding seems to  get top billing, but if the 9/11 mastermind can withstand over 200 sessions, the alternates should really get a chance in the limelight.

The goal of these ‘interrogation techniques’ is, after all, to establish a ‘baseline,’ a state in which the detainee has accepted that they have absolutely no control over basic human needs – similar to living in West Virginia or being a fat stripper. The three basic techniques are: nudity, sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation, but when combined with other particular activities, our friends at the CIA have found some of the most valuable combinations for interrogation.

1. “Dick in a Box” – (CIA terms: Hyper-spatial Excrement-induced Dehydration)

Once sleep deprivation has hit the 180-hour limit, and Richard Q. Terrorist is still not talkative – you put Dick in a box. A box large enough to support the “seated fetal position.” Now insert said terrorist with nothing on but a diaper…yes…a diaper. When he/she are hungry, they will find a little tube inserted at the top of box where liquid nourishment is provided. This liquid has all of the yummy nutrients any growing jihadist needs, except in most cases one extra ingredient is added – a diarrhetic. Ah yes, we all like the scent of our brand, but after 180 hours of uncontrollable spewing of liquid pooping in a poorly ventilated box – I imagine I might be willing to talk about almost anything.

2. “Say Hello to my Little Friend” – (CIA terms – Hyper-spatial Phobia-induced Shock)

The box seemed like a lot of fun – so let’s see how we can expand upon that. After much evaluation, we can find some things that terrify our friend Richard. Most common things, according to the CIA, are rodents, bugs and snakes. I always thought circus clowns should have been on that list as well, but I guess the logistics of sticking a naked, diapered, clown in the box with you teeters on every violation imaginable. Anyway, the other three seemed to work well enough for them. The protocol is forcing the detainee to observe the feared animal/insect from a distance, but no more than 6 feet away. The observed threat should preferably be of a poisonous nature: bees, a rattlesnake, a large hungry rat. After about 48 hours of observation and sleep deprivation, “LET’S HEAD TO THE BOX!” Keep in mind, there needs to be absolute darkness in the box. Once our detainee is in the box, insert the animal/insect – but not the same one that he/she has been looking at. Insert a non-lethal version, i.e. – large flies, a hamster or a garner snake with a well designed rattle attachment. Hijinx ensue.

3. “I Piss on You…Drip Drip Drip” – (CIA terms: Stress Positioning with Water Reinforcement)

Water has many more uses than just the waterboard. I mean, REALLY! It is not just a one-trick-pony. Let’s say you have been drinking poop-inducing shakes for days, just standing around with a blinding hood over head. In most cases, this would be relaxing, but not when you are with the top CIA interrogators. At this point, you are forced to hold an uncomfortable or straining position for up to 180 hours while they spray you with water. This is sometimes accompanied with ‘walling,’ but let’s just stick with the water for now. While in this position, being sprayed, the water will vary from balls-cold to colder-than-balls to lastly, balls-have-retreated-back-into-my-body-cold. The result is such complete muscle failure, that bodily functions cease to work naturally. As if being tired was not enough, having non-functional sphincter control seems like that last natural defense of complete humiliation.

After all of these techniques are used, the CIA is convinced that Richard Q. Terrorist will feel so endeared towards you that he will tell you anything. Favorite color, likes/dislikes, even his Facebook password. BFF.

In this, our global economy, everything is a matter of perspective.

At this moment, there are two distinct groups of people looking at each other wonder how the F*%K they got themselves into this situation, and moreover – how are they going to get out. Their situations are grave, and the future of their lives and livelihoods hang in the balance.

As if fate had deemed it necessary to pull these polar opposites together, the world now finds US Investment Bankers and Somali Pirates in the same “boat” – so to speak.

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To begin, it doesn’t matter how we got where we are. I really don’t care how often Obama wants to talk about who is to blame, but we are here now, we are screwed and we have to get out. YES, we know, McCain was not voted Miss Congeniality…we heard. And yes, no one really knows how to pronounce Ahmadinejad – we got it.

The sad part is, we sat around COED office drinking and watching the debate – and when it was done, we started talking and it was quite obvious that we were all watching different debates.

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“Are you ready to celebrate?  Well, get ready: We have ICE!!!!! Yes, ICE, *WATER ICE* on Mars!  w00t!!!  Best day ever!!” the Mars Phoenix Lander tweeted at about 5:15 pm.

You got that right, NASA scientists announced the best possibility of finding life on another planet–F’ing Martians–through Twitter, according to Wired.com. The news comes after photographic evidence of water ice (aka ice)–which holds the key to possible life on another planet–was taken within gathering reach of the Mars Lander.

Though photographs have been taken of what some believed was ice before, analysis proved inconclusive. But this time, they saw it melt. (more…)

Twenty-four hours prior to the most humiliating moment of my life, I was riding high–it was a good day in Afghanistan. My platoon were the first troops from the 82nd in country, and our operational pace had been nonstop for four months. I’d seen a lot things, but nothing could prepare me for what was about to happen.

Several high-ranking officers had been selected to go have a meet-and-greet, diplomatic-type lunch with the Afghan warlords that ran the area. They selected me to accompany them to lunch. At the time, I thought that I was some sort of super-trooper, asked to attend because I was the best my unit had to offer. As a PFC (Private First Class), I was probably just there to fill a seat and provide some added level of security. (more…)

Despite my opposition to the Iraq war, we still have to support the troops, and we should do whatever we can to make them feel better over, despite their circumstances.

But is sending in Cheerleaders the right move? I mean, you’re not getting laid for the most part while you’re at war. Do you really need hot chicks who won’t have sex with you shaking their asses in your face? (more…)

I’ll be the first to admit that I did some messed up shit to my frenemies during my younger years. One time in middle school, my friends and I poured Snapple and mashed strawberries in a girl’s backpack because we were fighting for absolutely no reason.

Seeing as our military isn’t in middle school (though they are in a similar predicament: fighting for absolutely no reason), I’d expect a little more tact from them. But apparently the U.S. military has come down with the mean girls-syndrome that I suffered circa the strawberry incident.

No, they didn’t mash strawberries in the backpacks of Iraqi extremists. But they did do some very Regina George-esque plotting to create a gay bomb to use against enemy soldiers. A gay bomb. Seriously.

A watchdog organization that tracks military spending exposed the U.S. military’s plan to build a bomb that could turn opposing soldiers gay—consequently shifting their focus from fighting to sex, CBS reported.

The watchdog group found that “the Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another.â€? (more…)