Now that the President has shown everyone in the world what $8 Billion worth of military and interrogation research can yield, it is time we ponder where the money was best spent. Yeah, yeah, yeah – waterboarding seems to  get top billing, but if the 9/11 mastermind can withstand over 200 sessions, the alternates should really get a chance in the limelight.

The goal of these ‘interrogation techniques’ is, after all, to establish a ‘baseline,’ a state in which the detainee has accepted that they have absolutely no control over basic human needs – similar to living in West Virginia or being a fat stripper. The three basic techniques are: nudity, sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation, but when combined with other particular activities, our friends at the CIA have found some of the most valuable combinations for interrogation.

1. “Dick in a Box” – (CIA terms: Hyper-spatial Excrement-induced Dehydration)

Once sleep deprivation has hit the 180-hour limit, and Richard Q. Terrorist is still not talkative – you put Dick in a box. A box large enough to support the “seated fetal position.” Now insert said terrorist with nothing on but a diaper…yes…a diaper. When he/she are hungry, they will find a little tube inserted at the top of box where liquid nourishment is provided. This liquid has all of the yummy nutrients any growing jihadist needs, except in most cases one extra ingredient is added – a diarrhetic. Ah yes, we all like the scent of our brand, but after 180 hours of uncontrollable spewing of liquid pooping in a poorly ventilated box – I imagine I might be willing to talk about almost anything.

2. “Say Hello to my Little Friend” – (CIA terms – Hyper-spatial Phobia-induced Shock)

The box seemed like a lot of fun – so let’s see how we can expand upon that. After much evaluation, we can find some things that terrify our friend Richard. Most common things, according to the CIA, are rodents, bugs and snakes. I always thought circus clowns should have been on that list as well, but I guess the logistics of sticking a naked, diapered, clown in the box with you teeters on every violation imaginable. Anyway, the other three seemed to work well enough for them. The protocol is forcing the detainee to observe the feared animal/insect from a distance, but no more than 6 feet away. The observed threat should preferably be of a poisonous nature: bees, a rattlesnake, a large hungry rat. After about 48 hours of observation and sleep deprivation, “LET’S HEAD TO THE BOX!” Keep in mind, there needs to be absolute darkness in the box. Once our detainee is in the box, insert the animal/insect – but not the same one that he/she has been looking at. Insert a non-lethal version, i.e. – large flies, a hamster or a garner snake with a well designed rattle attachment. Hijinx ensue.

3. “I Piss on You…Drip Drip Drip” – (CIA terms: Stress Positioning with Water Reinforcement)

Water has many more uses than just the waterboard. I mean, REALLY! It is not just a one-trick-pony. Let’s say you have been drinking poop-inducing shakes for days, just standing around with a blinding hood over head. In most cases, this would be relaxing, but not when you are with the top CIA interrogators. At this point, you are forced to hold an uncomfortable or straining position for up to 180 hours while they spray you with water. This is sometimes accompanied with ‘walling,’ but let’s just stick with the water for now. While in this position, being sprayed, the water will vary from balls-cold to colder-than-balls to lastly, balls-have-retreated-back-into-my-body-cold. The result is such complete muscle failure, that bodily functions cease to work naturally. As if being tired was not enough, having non-functional sphincter control seems like that last natural defense of complete humiliation.

After all of these techniques are used, the CIA is convinced that Richard Q. Terrorist will feel so endeared towards you that he will tell you anything. Favorite color, likes/dislikes, even his Facebook password. BFF.

According to Guardian.co.uk, human rights lawyers have accused the United States of imprisoning “enemy combatants” on prison ships, in an attempt to conceal the true number of people arrested and detained in the name of the “War on Terror.”

From the article:

Details of ships where detainees have been held and sites allegedly being used in countries across the world have been compiled as the debate over detention without trial intensifies on both sides of the Atlantic. The US government was yesterday urged to list the names and whereabouts of all those detained. (more…)

Is it just me or have we all entered some kind of Twilight Zone in which torture and terror are both permissible as long as the defenders of freedom and democracy are using them?

This past Saturday, March 9, President Bush exercised his veto on a piece of legislation that would have banned interrogation techniques used by the CIA, such as Waterboarding.

In his weekly radio address he stated:

“The bill Congress sent me would take away one of the most valuable tools in the war on terror […] so today I vetoed it.”

What is Waterboarding?

Waterboarding is an incredibly controversial interrogation technique – or form of torture, depending on who is talking – that originated in the 16th century during the Italian inquisition.

A bound and gagged prisoner is immobilized on his back, head tilted downward. Water is then poured over him, causing an immediate gag reflex and simulating drowning. Often, cellophane is also placed over the prisoner’s face—further preventing him from taking any air. (remember how your parents told you not to place saran wrap over your face when you were little….) (more…)

During the Cold War, the rivalry between the US and the Soviet Union led to some fantastic sports showdowns. (You’ve all seen Miracle, right?) But today’s War on Terror has proved exponentially less awesome. So let’s stoke the fires of East vs. West once again, for the sexiest feud this side of 1989, with COED’s ‘Cold War Cheerleader Showdown! (And if anyone knows how to convince the lovely ladies of the Middle East to shed those burkas, please let us know ASAP.)

Check out the cheerleaders and vote after the jump! (more…)

Iraq is so quaint this time of year: