Tweens across the nation are in a tizzy over today’s release of New Moon, the much-anticipated second installment in the Twilight Saga.  And as much as we love Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, vampires and werewolves, for our money SNL’s Firelight parody with Taylor Swift as one of the Franks beats New Moon in spades.  Twilight Bad, Firelight Good.

Out of the myriad of things wrong with today’s society, we need to thank Matt and Trey for calling attention to one of the greatest underlying causes of racial tension in the United States. Urination etiquette is of course the underlying issue, but as we all learned last night – there are just too many minorities in our waterparks. (To be fair though, there are a growing number of fat white people wearing t-shirts in the pool as well.)

(Check Out The Full Episode Here)

Not My Water Park – Lyrics

What has happened to this place
I don’t recognize it anymore
It used to be so fun and special
What is life worth living for

The dream is dead
Our land is gone
There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t go on

There are too many minorities (minorities)
At my water park (my water park)
This was our land, our dream (our dream)
and they’ve taken it all away

They just keep coming and coming (minorities)
I tried to go and tell the police
But even the authorities
Are minorities (are minorities)
At my water park

There’s no place for me to sit anymore
And the lines just keep getting crazier
There are Mexicans all around me
The lazy river has never been lazier

It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide
And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!)

There are too many minorities (too many)
At my water park (somebody do something)
Where did they all come from
Why can’t they leave this land alone

And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying)
We looked the other way too long
We’ve got to change our priorities
And get all these minorities
Out of my water park

(Minorities) Mexicans and Asians
Black people
I think I even saw Native Americans (gross)

God I’m asking please
Get all of these minorities
Out of my water park (my water park)

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The only thing more awesome than taunting your opponent is getting PWND by said opponent and getting a taste of your own medicine.  Case in point: The Cartwheeling goalie.  They don’t call it the beautiful game for nothing.

Look out WOW freakout kid, the British are coming and they are serious about their videogames.  Sure you put a remote up your bum and hit yourself in the head with a shoe, but you got nothin’ on your English Doppelganger.  After a 17 hour run on Modern Warfare 2, his gloves are off and it’s just knuckles and wall.

YouTube is, of course, good for finding videos of people making fools of themselves. But it’s also good for finding a ton of useful videos. This one goes in the “What would I do if…” category. Basically, this police badass teaches you everything you need to know if someone holds you at gun point. Maybe not the most practical information in the world, but it certainly makes you feel like more of a badass knowing that.

If I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a million times: If you’re going to propose to your girlfriend in front of tens of thousands of people, you better be 100-percent sure that she’s going to say yes. (And that she doesn’t mind having a very personal moment shared with the general public.) Because, if you don’t, you’re going to end up looking like a total dipsh*t. You know, like this guy…

You know people are always talking about how video games make people more violent and all that drivel? Bullsh*t, right? Well, after watching this video of a level from the new, hottest video game on the market,Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, you might be singing a different tune. But regardless of where you stand on the issue, something tells me this level, in which your character mows down an entire airport of civilians, is going to cause quite an uproar.

Seriously, this game is obviously amazing. But I must say, this is the first time a scene from a video game made me nervous…

With winter swooping in to snatch away everyone’s happiness for the next few months, chances are you’re going to hear about a lot more people offing themselves. That’s just how it goes. So let this video serve as a little lesson to all you passersby what it looks like when someone goes off the deep end, and wucks their ass in front of a train.  Also, this is what it looks like when someone gets really, really lucky…

Secret knocks have been around for probably as long as doors and locks. Until now, having a secret knock only really made sense if you were involved in a covert operation or some other equally shady sh*t.  But this guy has created what could be the coolest locking mechanism since Chinese fingercuffs. He’s created a device that automatically unlocks the door when the pre-programmed secret knock is knocked.

This video uncovers a disturbing problem that is too often swept under the rug and left unnoticed: Toilet Abuse.  As I am sure you will agree, no commode, regardless of it’s past, deserves this type of wanton punishment.  Props to Gorillamask for bringing this issue to light. The more you know…

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