With trailers popping up for his new movie The Day the Earth Stood Still pending release on December 12, we are reminded that in the movies Keanu Reeves is the answer. And at the same time, all over the news and in the media, Barack Obama is being touted as the new Keanu Reeves, capable of solving all our problems with some fantastical superpower. But please heed this warning: Barack Obama is not Keanu Reeves. This world is not the Matrix, or The Day… and Barack is not Neo or Klatuu. (more…)

In this, our global economy, everything is a matter of perspective.

At this moment, there are two distinct groups of people looking at each other wonder how the F*%K they got themselves into this situation, and moreover – how are they going to get out. Their situations are grave, and the future of their lives and livelihoods hang in the balance.

As if fate had deemed it necessary to pull these polar opposites together, the world now finds US Investment Bankers and Somali Pirates in the same “boat” – so to speak.

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Note to self: If I’m ever running for President of the United States, don’t bail on David Letterman. Not only will he dog on you the whole time, he’ll replace you with your nemesis.

Every two years the best golfers from the United States and Europe compete in a three day competition for the coveted Ryder Cup. Before 1979 the United States absolutely dominated the competition but recently the Europeans have owned the cup.  Since 1997 the Europeans have won the Ryder Cup four out of the last five matches.  This year’s American team boasts six rookies to the squad making the United States an underdog for the first time. Here are a few reasons why the United States will prevail over the Europeans at Valhalla: (more…)

If you have been following American politics, and by the looks of current strawhat polls – if you are 18-24 years old – you are not, you would notice a wonderful new trend. The trend is not so much in the formation or operations of American public policy, but in the way our wonderful professional politicians name the laws and policies that they spend so much time caressing and molding. The best part, is that these wonderful rules and regulations have, in most cases, an affect on Americans that is almost completely opposite to that which their name would have you believe.

Being the underachiever I am, I was motivated to do a little research.

The higher the Name/Affectation Ridiculousness Ratio (NARR), the more likely the legislation was to pass in both Congressional houses. Isn’t that wonderful? It is almost as if our lawmakers were trying to confuse the sh*t out of us! LOL, and we all know that they would NEVER do something like that.

So what does it take to make a wonderfully creative and counterproductive law? (more…)

During the Cold War, the rivalry between the US and the Soviet Union led to some fantastic sports showdowns. (You’ve all seen Miracle, right?) But today’s War on Terror has proved exponentially less awesome. So let’s stoke the fires of East vs. West once again, for the sexiest feud this side of 1989, with COED’s ‘Cold War Cheerleader Showdown! (And if anyone knows how to convince the lovely ladies of the Middle East to shed those burkas, please let us know ASAP.)

Check out the cheerleaders and vote after the jump! (more…)

The use of performance-enhancing drugs in sports is a slippery slope indeed.

Olympic athlete Marion Jones was stripped of her medals and wiped off the record books today due to her use of steroids during the 2000 Summer Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. She admitted in October to using steroids in 2000 prior to the Olympics, and had returned her medals to the Olympic Committee before today’s announcement.

Not only has Jones lost her medals and records, but she’s facing the very real possibility of being banned from all future Olympic games.

Jones’ irresponsibility may have also jeopardized the gold medals of her relay teammates. She will be sentenced on January 11, and could face between three to six months in jail.

With several athletes this year being dragged through the mud for drug use, one must wonder: does the use of performance-enhancing drugs ruin the reputation of popular sports exclusively? Do we as a society frown upon athletes that use steroids while some musicians take “art-enhancing” drugs on the regular just to attend rehab and be awarded with a big thumbs-up from the public? (more…)

The great state of South Carolina is represented flawlessly by Ms. South Carolina, a blonde, dumb-as-bricks girl who sputtered out delicious quotes on the subject of U.S. maps during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

In less than a minute Lauren Caitlin Upton’s brain is able to wax political about the United States’ lack of maps, “The Iraq,” South Africa, “Asian Countries,” education and “everywhere, like and such as.”

I’m 100% positive that she memorized the most-searched political words and phrases on Ask Jeeves when preparing for the pageant.

I’m also 100% positive that I’ll use her answer as my new monologue the next time I audition for a part in a feature film.

Watch the video after the jump.

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