With The Twatlight Gaga: New Poon coming out this weekend, I can’t help but feel more than a little peeved at how much attention vampires are receiving. More specifically, it irks me to no end to see hordes and hordes upon hordes of women swoon, seizure, and pass out over the mere mention of a vampire. No matter what the flick or show, chicks be lovin’ dem bloodsuckers. Well, I say they’re c*cksuckers! The increase in popularity signals a decrease in machismo and respect for the male vampire. Now, let me COUNT the ways in which the vampire SUCKS:

Vampires completely contradict everything I’ve ever striven for. They don’t have money, they don’t workout, they act effeminate most of the time, they slink around and sneak up on you and act all depressed. If you did any of this in real life, you’d be picked up by the cops on charges of third degree loitering and second degree creepery. So, why do girls get all orgasm-y when a vampire swoops in through the window? Is it because they’re outcasts? If that’s the case, then why aren’t Cameron Frye and Crispin Glover swimming in vagina? (more…)

You know what stinks? Ladies who put fashionable trends before protection.

Remember the old days when your mom would push you and your father out the door for a few hours to host a “Tupperware party”? Yeah, that was kind of lame – but at least it wasn’t even half as lame as hosting a “Taser party,” the new trend all the ladies are following these days. (more…)

Living in New York City, I get to see all the hipsters come out to play. Lucky me!I’m not a hipster myself, but I know how to spot them. I know about the tight pants, the big glasses, The Misshapes, etc. But I had NO idea it is now cool, trendy and well….hip, to look like this.

WTF is this? Is this guy for real? Are those teal shorts for real? Is that netted, mesh tank top, for real? ARE THOSE GLASSES FOR REAL?

Apparently, they are and so is he. And so are a lot of other hep cats living in Brooklyn and will be soon scattered throughout the entire country, I’m sure. And, thus is the beginning of “Fashion Futurism,â€? a trend that mixes bright and ballsy ’80’s fashion with a Jetsons type vibe. (more…)

10. Split Screens – For years, the only way to “get your multiplayer on” was by huddling around that tiny TV in your buddy’s dorm. At the very least, you made friends with the rich kid who was dumb enough to bring in a 42-inch plasma to their room. With the dawn of online gaming systems, more people want their screens to themselves – plus it eliminates the “Stop looking at my buttons!” factor that plagues me in our weekly Madden contests.

9. Complex HUDs – Twelve health meters, Seven ammo counters, a giant map with heat signatures, and a text scroll screen for those who like to send quasi-witty msgs during gameplay. It was a tough lesson for programmers and game developers to learn, especially with some of the flight similators out there who have gotten a little TOO HUD intensive – I want to feel like I am flying a plane, I don’t really want to know how to fly one. By getting rid of all the excess clutter, developers can communicate with players through indirect ways that mesh with the world of the game and its character.

8. Arcade Ports – Younger gamers probably don’t remember heading into arcades in the 80s and 90s to see the new advanced graphics and sound setups that your Atari 2600 just couldn’t match. Now, home consoles are so technologically advanced and sophisticated that arcade consoles really can’t keep up. Not to mention that fact that if you expect me to cough up $400 for a console and $50 a game – my quarters are going into my piggy bank. Keep your damn shooting game and car simulation. It is a truly sad day, but with the death of almost all arcades in the US, arcade ports are literally on their last days.

7. Genres - If you’ve ever glanced at the style bullets in from of gaming lists and magazine articles, you will notice that there are pretty loose classification terminology used for most gaming styles, and for very good reason. Large scale games are quickly expanding beyond the realms of easily classified games. Sure, BioShock is a first-person, but I’m not sure about the shooter part – at least not exclusively. And if you like the Madden Superstar mode, you will notice that it is basically an RPG cycle stuffed into a sports title. More complex games require more complex classifications.

6. Save Points – If I work through a level and have to run to class before I finish, DAMMIT I want to start from where I finished. Some of you probably disagree, but we need to agree that save points are gay. For years, gamers were slaves to these damn “points of light” or blinking signs, or spinning orbs – forced to keep playing until we found one so that we wouldn’t lose the last hour of pain-staking work. Luckily, checkpoints and auto-saving have largely abolished this in most gaming formats – that is, except for those RPG titles that refuse to change. Ever wonder who actually “Continues without saving?” I mean really, what masochist does that!?

5. Cheat Codes – As a general rule, the majority fall into one of three categories: open world playground games, other kid-targeted releases, and sports titles. And even these are becoming less and less common. Other games are steering away from them completely, developers are stills throwing in cool secrets and easter eggs, but they are eliminating cheats that basically break the games that they have worked so hard to foster. Up, Down, Left, Left, A, B, B…screw it!

4. Extra Lives – The days of Q-Bert and Joust are gone. If you decide to play a game that gives you 5 lives, suck it up and make them last. Alas, in the olden-days and the long-before time that preceeded checkpoints or even the most basic game continuations that were password based, it was your ability to find or earn extra lives that kept you off that ominous title screen. Imagine if you will, spending 20 hours on an epic game, only to run out of lives and go back tto the beginning. Thank GOD those days are gone and that the time of scouring a level for extra-men are over. Alas, there are some stragglers trying to keep this extra-lives search alive…move on people…move on.

3. Points – It’s funny to think how big a part of the gaming world these used to be, especially since within the last 2 years alone, very few titles include any point system at all. In the NES days, points were tthe only measure of skill that you could brag about on the playground. Even in arcade, with the lack of any multiplayer modes, the only litmus test to compare yourself to the omniscient “AAA,” was to fight for the highest score and toss your 3 initials to the top of the list. F-you AAA!

2. High Difficulty Settings – Plenty of games still deliver hardcore twists and turns that’ll force you to punch your roommates mini-fridge and create new curses that no one else understands. However, publishers and developers are starting to cater to more entry level gamers by eliminating high difficulty and adding in lower novice levels. It is very similar to when my HS got rid of AP Astro-Physics and replaced it with “Physics in Everyday Life.” Society has trended to dumbing down for the idiots, the gaming world is no different.

1. System Exclusivity – There was a day not so long ago when buying a console was as easy as picking your favorite title franchise and finding out which system it played on. Whether it was Halo on Xbox or Zelda on NES – you had to choose. Admittedly, there are still some major first-party games that are pulling in the crowds (Halo 3), but the all important third-party publishers are increasingly uninterested in settling for sales on only one system. Why tap only one segment of the gaming population when a little added expense can create ports that tap them all? Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo all continue to work hard to try to force developers into delivering exclusive games. Unfortunately for them, developers are proving to be less and less succeptible to those tactics.