Poor Tom Cruise. The man wants to be known as an actor! Not some crazy, couch jumping, psychiatrist hating cult nut. And with last week’s announcement that he’d been nominated for a Golden Globe award for his awesome cameo in Tropic Thunder, it looked like he might have finally started to turn the page on the past few years of horrible/weird publicity and do just that, re-become an actor.

Well, don’t count on it. If you believe the Germans, his turn as Claus Count Schenk von Stauffenberg (AKA the guy who unsuccessfully tried to assassinate Hitler) in the upcoming Valkyrie is completely and utterly horrible. The worst performance in the history of worst performances. According to Berlin paper Der Tagesspiegel, “his image as an actor has been finally ruined by Valkyrie.” Bummer.

In fairness to Cruise, the Germans may be slightly biased. Not because they hate him any more than most nations, but because von Stauffenberg is probably their greatest modern day war hero, and Tom Cruise is a height challenged American action hero who believes in aliens. Imagine having to watch Roberto Benigni star in Saving Private Ryan instead of Tom Hanks and you kind of get the picture.

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After his acclaimed performance in blockbuster Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr. has been scouted by Hugh Hefner to play the magazine mogul in an upcoming Playboy-creator biopic. According to PerezHilton.com, after seeing Iron Man, Hefner has put Downey to the top of the list of actors to portray him in the film.

From the article:

After Iron Man’s huge and unexpected success, RDJ is one of the hottest properties in town!

It’s not a 100 percent done deal, but sources say Hefner has signed off on Downey to play him in the movie, which has the working title Playboy.

Hef reportedly took a liking to Downey after seeing Iron Man and “admiring his humor and skill in showing his vulnerability.”

Other rumored leading men include Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio, and the film will be directed by Brett Ratner. And Ron Howard will serve as producer for the Universal Studios film.

With an authentic playboy with a debauchery-filled past in the leading spot, this promises to be F’ing rad.

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UPDATE: The Tom Cruise recruitment video (recruisement?) has been taken down on YouTube…but we have it from Google Video! Go to Hollywood, Interrupted for more details on the matter.

Tom Cruise - actor, father, nutjob extraordinaire - has faced much scrutiny about his beliefs, mostly for the right reason. A man who was once the top-billed actor in the world has now been reduced to a social disease, wreaking havoc whenever he opens his mouth.

Scientology’s cult-like following isn’t helped much with Cruise acting as the head spokesperson for the “religion.” His numerous statements about helping others may sound sincere…until he unleashes his infamous crazy-man cackle that screams “world domination.”

And the background music? Don’t think for a second the Mission Impossible theme is a coincidence…and not just because he starred in the movie.

But don’t take my word for it:

Tom Cruise asks the eternal question: “Who farted?” (AZ Central)

UK fitness levels for women are “At an all-time low.” Who cares? I say let it all hang out, ladies - oh, you are? Gross. Pack it back in. (Sky News)

Irony alert: candy given away by a teenager at an “alternative school” presumably laced with drugs. The candy? Mary Jane. (News Leader)

Super Irony alert: woman turned away from Kokoamos Island Bar and Grill for sporting dreadlocks. Sorry ma’am, we don’t like them island hairdos at our Island Bar…? (Richmond Times)

China bans “sexual sounds” on airwaves. TAKE IT OFF…the air. (Yahoo)

Warner Bros. development department is compiled mostly of wh*res.Why the harshness do you ask? Good question, and my answer is simple. Don’t f**k with perfection.

Did the Vatican say, “Ya know Benny, da’ta ceiling on’a da’ chapel sure is molte bene, but don’t you a’ wish we coulda’ redo it wit a little CGI? Lika’ da’ Matrix?” No they didn’t. In ‘72, did Shula say, “You know what guys, I know we are undefeated but I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to play - Go on third team! You’re in!” No he did not. Did Ron Jeremy say, “You know what, maybe I shouldn’t be the only 350 lb porn star with DD-man-boobs - Jenny Craig here I come!” Hells no, the Hedgehog did no such thing.

Why, pray tell, would anyone in their right mind agree to remake Enter the Dragon.

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