Sorry, guys. I know doing a post about Spencer Pratt is pretty lame, being that he’s one of the world’s biggest assclowns, just after Dane Cook and the ESPN lawyers that are keeping you from watching the Erin Andrews peephole video.

And his douchiness just gets that much more intense, since he just announced, in an interview with Spin magazine, that he’s launching a rap career.

How good of a rapper are you?
Incredible. I have the biggest mouth on earth, so why wouldn’t I be the best rapper — you know what I mean?

Can you freestyle right now?
I mean, everybody keeps on asking me to freestyle. But I always say, “Please, I don’t do freestyle, my goal out here is to get paid.” The word “free” does not exist in Spencer Pratt’s vocabulary. [via Spin.com]

Jesus Dead Baby Christ! This dude is completely out of hand. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if this guy isn’t just taking us all for a ride, Andy Kaufman-style.

I know, I know – he seems to barely have enough brain power to maintain basic bodily functions. But there is definitely more than meets the eye with this dude. And I would be ashamed of myself for being fooled by Spencer F’ing Pratt. Then again, he’s probably just learned to say outlandish sh*t in order to stay relevant. Either way, he’s still a douchebag.

Kurt Cobain’s Ashes Stolen?

This weekend, reports surfaced that Kurt Cobain’s ashes were stolen from life-coach Courtney Love’s mansion, along with jewelry and other possessions. Love is said to be in a “suicidal” condition after finding her ex-boyfriend and Nirvana front-man’s ashes missing, which she kept stored in a furry, pink bear purse.

This comes after $72 million was stolen from Cobain’s estate in an act of massive identity theft and fraud. ““It was fraud after fraud,” said Love of the incident. “But nobody believed me until now.” Maybe nobody believed her because she’s completely comatose on drugs. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why the ashes are now gone? Maybe not. But I’d say that’d be a good place to start looking. [Daily Swarm]

Heidi and Spencer Launch A Social Network

Celebrity couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, of MTV fame, have announced the launch of their new social networking Site, Speidiweb. While Speidiweb, named after a combination of the couple’s first names, is expected to mimic the style and functionality of Myspace and Facebook, the Site is expected to do well with MTV viewers, since the pair will probably mention it on-air a thousand times a day.

In addition to user profiles, Speidiweb offers blogs by the couple, Speidiweb merchandise (yeah, that’s going to do well) and tons of paparazzi pics, from the same photo agency that took their “candid” beach shots last week. [ProfilesBlog]

Actress Tatum O’Neal Busted At Crack House

You’d think, by now, that everyone knows that crack is whack. But you’d be wrong. Last night, Academy Award-Winning actress and author Tatum O’Neal was busted by the NYPD on criminal drug possession charges for buying crack cocaine on the Lower East Side neighborhood of Manhattan.

O’Neal is the youngest actress to ever win an Oscar, which she received in 1974 for her role in Paper Moon. After her divorce from tennis star John McEnroe, custody of their children were taken away from her because of a heroin addiction. Apparently, that was one of the better decisions our courts have made… [TMZ.com]

I try to steer clear of letting my opinion on music get in the way of being a peaceable guy. Art is objective, and there’s no possible way to gauge what’s truly good or bad – until now.

Pop stars churn out forgettable ditties faster than I jerk it (lightning speed), but this trend has gone too far: Heidi Montag, a chick who’s known for nothing worth mentioning (besides being attractive enough to bone), has decided that yes, a career in music is so hot right now. So. Hot. Right. Now.

Now I’m not down with the latest Trash TV happenings, but this has to be “up there” in terms of sheer stupidity. We have enough no-talent ‘tards running loose in the music industry; Montag phones it in with hopes that nobody notices how fake she is. As hard as I try to focus on something, anything of value, be it a terrible lyric or side boob, my mind simply cannot comprehend what’s happening!

Was this filmed in 1987 on a VHS-C camera? What’s with the Jazz Hands? Does God exist?

I’ve never experienced such a vacant feeling in my life.

I feel dumber now; you deserve to at least feel my equal: