It’s almost time to go back to school and for freshmen that means taking your first college courses.

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It’s the beginning of April, and that means many of you will be graduating from college shortly. Depending on how savvy of an undergrad you are, you’ve either milked the college thing for all it’s worth — i.e., you still live in a dorm and get a meal plan — or you haven’t, and you live in a disgusting apartment where a good day involves a fight with your roommate over the dishes.

If you’re the latter case, you’ve already experienced a taste of the depressing jolt of reality that leads people to write songs like “I Wish I Could Go Back to College.” But believe it or not, it gets worse.

See, once you’re out of college, all bets are off. Chances are, Mom and Dad were paying your rent in college; they’ll stop now. You’ll be expected to find a job — in one of the worst economic climates this country has ever seen. And you’ll be expected to take on responsibilities that you’ve never had before: some combination of electric bills, laundry, car insurance, health insurance, cooking, heat, and trash. Oh, you already pay car insurance? Good for you. Here are six more bills, and by the way, you’re in credit card debt.

One more thing: you won’t have friends anymore. Maybe a few of them will stick around, and maybe you’ll still go out drinking with them, but in general, get used to being a loser.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, I think it’s the perfect time to offer you some advice.

Go to grad school.

My senior year of college, I was intent on not going to graduate school. I spent four years worth of tuition on a screenwriting major, and I was determined that graduate school would only put off the inevitable: my immediate success in Hollywood. It was my time to unleash me into the world.

That was my first mistake: you want to put off the inevitable. At all costs. Because the true inevitable amounts to unemployment or, if you’re lucky and didn’t choose a B.S. major like I did, a job you have to get up at 7 a.m. for.  In grad school, you may have to find an apartment, but you’ll never have to get up at 7 a.m. unless you’re in business school.  You can even still schedule your own classes!  If you shun grad school, the days of deciding not to take three classes in a row because you like taking naps at 2 p.m. are over.  Forever.

If you won’t go to grad school, at least move in with your parents.

Welcome to easy street — and the only thing you need to give up in exchange is a little piece of your dignity.  Your mom and dad won’t really want you anymore, but they’ll take you — and cook for you, and take out your garbage, and pay all the utility bills.  You may have to make your bed or mow the lawn every once in a while — but that’s it.  The carefree days of high school are back.

You may have to move away from all your college buddies, but this way you can get back in touch with all those people who never left your hometown after graduation. Be nice to them, okay? You’re one of them now.

This scenario might sound like hell to you right now.  But I guarantee you, six months into the real world, it’s going to sound like paradise.

If you refuse to move in with your parents, at least get a female roommate.

If you have a girlfriend, move in with her. Afraid of commitment? Tough. When she’s doing your dishes, keeping your apartment from looking like a bomb went off, and keeping all the bills organized, you’ll thank me.

No girlfriend? Try to find a platonic female roommate. One of my old college buddies lived with a female friend for a year and it worked great because they created a system: he’d take out the trash if she’d do all the dishes. Naturally, the second job was way more time consuming and much worse, but since he could stand a sink full of dishes and she couldn’t, she was forced into it. That’s the kind of deal you need to make.

Whether you move in with your girlfriend or just a random girl, you won’t be getting laid nearly as much as you’re imagining, but at least in the second scenario it’ll be excusable.

If you can’t find a female roommate, go take a road trip, live in a hostel, backpack overseas, anything.

Don’t live alone or with a male roommate. For the sake of your sanity, don’t.  Living alone, your apartment will be messy, and to your horror you’ll find that you’re actually starting to care. You’ll have to pay all the bills yourself, including rent, and trust me, you can’t afford it. And you will go completely stir crazy. (Okay, one clear cut win here: you’ll have unparalleled masturbatory freedom. Unplug those headphones and open your bedroom door!)

A male roommate will split the costs and provide somebody to hang out with, right? Wrong. It was easy to get along in college because neither of you had to worry about anything in that tiny dorm room. Now you have to share a kitchen, and guess what? You’re about to get roaches. You’ll also have to split the cable bill, which is impossible: either you can never get the check from him, or he forgets to send it in on time, resulting in an absurdly large late fee. You’ll grow to slowly hate each other until you have thoughts about moving into your own place, but — remember? — you can’t afford it. Congratulations, you’re trapped.

Sell all your possessions and go live in a youth hostel instead. Trust me, it’s better. If you help out with stuff, chances are you can live there for pennies or for free. Or go on a road trip. Or convince your parents that you “just need a year to figure out what I want to do” and make them finance a trip to Europe. Maybe the recession will be over by the time you come back.

If all else fails, at least live near a relative.

Don’t underestimate free laundry and the occasional dinner invite.

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It was about 1:30 in the morning on a Thursday night and I was doing what most red blooded males do–masturbate.

In my room with the door shut and the lights out, my laptop was sitting on my legs, while the headphones were in my ears. I was navigating through the wide world of internet porn when suddenly my female roommate comes bursting through the door. The lights come on and she begins to tell me how her night had gone. I looked at her, in complete shock and said, “Umm…I’m jacking off here. What do you need?” (more…)

Why is “Trick-or-Treating” just for grade-school children? Some of my favorite memories were going door-to-door, filling my pillowcase to the top with pounds of free sugar madness.

So why let this magical feeling go away with age? Fear not because I have developed a way to recapture the magic!

It’s going to take a little organization on your part – but if you pull this one off you’ll be the hero of your dorm and the legend of your 10 year college reunion.

Trick or Treating dorm style goes down like this… (more…)

After talking to my friend about his latest foray into the dating world – and his love for early morning sex – I started thinking.

Not that it takes much to get me thinking about sex. Since I am not having any. And everywhere I look it seems that people are having it. All. The. Time.

I remember the first time I ever had an early morning romp. I climbed into bed with my then boyfriend, set the alarm for class the following morning, and fell asleep. I was awoken the following morning not by my alarm clock, but by a very delicious nibbling on my ear. Followed by an even more delicious round of sex that may have acted as the alarm clock for the rest of my (8) roommates.

Then I ate 2 bowls of cereal, a few waffles and grabbed a bag of pretzels on my way to class. And it all tasted so good. In fact, everything was so much better that morning: the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and I was in a great mood. Even with 3 straight hours of lecture and a night of paper writing at the library ahead of me.

Other people noticed the difference, too: (more…)

Ahh, to be a freshman again…

Long after the fact, I can safely say that there is no experience that can quite match being 18, fully on your own for the first time in your life, and living in a dorm surrounded by the hundreds of the horniest creatures on this green earth.

As a kid who had a pretty awful high school experience when it came to members of the opposite sex, I went into my freshman year with the attitude that I’d pretty much take on all comers. I turned down girls like a 15 year old boy would turn down an offer to look through Penthouse magazine.

Needless to say, it was a very fruitful year.

Of course, hooking up as a freshman invariably requires a decent amount of compromise with your roommate. Some roommates sexcile each other, putting socks or other markers on the doors to let each other know that someone’s gettin’ lucky. (more…)

When I started college, I thought my digs were pretty sweet. It was a private school so of course it was nice compared to most state schools I had looked at.My roommate and I had a TV, stereo, window AC unit, mini fridge and an illegal microwave. I mean, what else did two girls on the verge of the most exciting adventure of their lives need??

Apparently everything.

According to the LA Times, college kids these days aren’t just bringing their own expensive shit to pimp out their dorm rooms, but their schools (and subsequent building contractors) are totally catering to these high class kids that want dorms that look nothing like, well, dorms at all.

Basically, these 18 year olds are moving into sweet school side “residential hallsâ€? (because dorm is sooo passe) that are like mini apartments. Pools, mini movie theaters, 24 hour gyms, doormen, semi-private bathrooms, pool tables, barbecues, Wi-Fi are many of the amenities included in these “four star dorms.â€? (more…)