It’s the beginning of April, and that means many of you will be graduating from college shortly. Depending on how savvy of an undergrad you are, you’ve either milked the college thing for all it’s worth — i.e., you still live in a dorm and get a meal plan — or you haven’t, and you live in a disgusting apartment where a good day involves a fight with your roommate over the dishes.

If you’re the latter case, you’ve already experienced a taste of the depressing jolt of reality that leads people to write songs like “I Wish I Could Go Back to College.” But believe it or not, it gets worse.

See, once you’re out of college, all bets are off. Chances are, Mom and Dad were paying your rent in college; they’ll stop now. You’ll be expected to find a job — in one of the worst economic climates this country has ever seen. And you’ll be expected to take on responsibilities that you’ve never had before: some combination of electric bills, laundry, car insurance, health insurance, cooking, heat, and trash. Oh, you already pay car insurance? Good for you. Here are six more bills, and by the way, you’re in credit card debt.

One more thing: you won’t have friends anymore. Maybe a few of them will stick around, and maybe you’ll still go out drinking with them, but in general, get used to being a loser.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, I think it’s the perfect time to offer you some advice.

Go to grad school.

My senior year of college, I was intent on not going to graduate school. I spent four years worth of tuition on a screenwriting major, and I was determined that graduate school would only put off the inevitable: my immediate success in Hollywood. It was my time to unleash me into the world.

That was my first mistake: you want to put off the inevitable. At all costs. Because the true inevitable amounts to unemployment or, if you’re lucky and didn’t choose a B.S. major like I did, a job you have to get up at 7 a.m. for.  In grad school, you may have to find an apartment, but you’ll never have to get up at 7 a.m. unless you’re in business school.  You can even still schedule your own classes!  If you shun grad school, the days of deciding not to take three classes in a row because you like taking naps at 2 p.m. are over.  Forever.

If you won’t go to grad school, at least move in with your parents.

Welcome to easy street — and the only thing you need to give up in exchange is a little piece of your dignity.  Your mom and dad won’t really want you anymore, but they’ll take you — and cook for you, and take out your garbage, and pay all the utility bills.  You may have to make your bed or mow the lawn every once in a while — but that’s it.  The carefree days of high school are back.

You may have to move away from all your college buddies, but this way you can get back in touch with all those people who never left your hometown after graduation. Be nice to them, okay? You’re one of them now.

This scenario might sound like hell to you right now.  But I guarantee you, six months into the real world, it’s going to sound like paradise.

If you refuse to move in with your parents, at least get a female roommate.

If you have a girlfriend, move in with her. Afraid of commitment? Tough. When she’s doing your dishes, keeping your apartment from looking like a bomb went off, and keeping all the bills organized, you’ll thank me.

No girlfriend? Try to find a platonic female roommate. One of my old college buddies lived with a female friend for a year and it worked great because they created a system: he’d take out the trash if she’d do all the dishes. Naturally, the second job was way more time consuming and much worse, but since he could stand a sink full of dishes and she couldn’t, she was forced into it. That’s the kind of deal you need to make.

Whether you move in with your girlfriend or just a random girl, you won’t be getting laid nearly as much as you’re imagining, but at least in the second scenario it’ll be excusable.

If you can’t find a female roommate, go take a road trip, live in a hostel, backpack overseas, anything.

Don’t live alone or with a male roommate. For the sake of your sanity, don’t.  Living alone, your apartment will be messy, and to your horror you’ll find that you’re actually starting to care. You’ll have to pay all the bills yourself, including rent, and trust me, you can’t afford it. And you will go completely stir crazy. (Okay, one clear cut win here: you’ll have unparalleled masturbatory freedom. Unplug those headphones and open your bedroom door!)

A male roommate will split the costs and provide somebody to hang out with, right? Wrong. It was easy to get along in college because neither of you had to worry about anything in that tiny dorm room. Now you have to share a kitchen, and guess what? You’re about to get roaches. You’ll also have to split the cable bill, which is impossible: either you can never get the check from him, or he forgets to send it in on time, resulting in an absurdly large late fee. You’ll grow to slowly hate each other until you have thoughts about moving into your own place, but — remember? — you can’t afford it. Congratulations, you’re trapped.

Sell all your possessions and go live in a youth hostel instead. Trust me, it’s better. If you help out with stuff, chances are you can live there for pennies or for free. Or go on a road trip. Or convince your parents that you “just need a year to figure out what I want to do” and make them finance a trip to Europe. Maybe the recession will be over by the time you come back.

If all else fails, at least live near a relative.

Don’t underestimate free laundry and the occasional dinner invite.

Best of the Week: Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Here’s the sad truth: Seth Rogen is wearing very thin on us. His laugh, his stoner shtick, even his cleverness — all the things that we love about him, we’re getting tired of. Seth needs to take a year or two off. Do a supporting role here and there, maybe a stint on Broadway, some Shakespeare in the Catskills for a summer… we just don’t want to see him star in anything. For a while. All that having been said, this movie is pretty awesome. Kevin Smith writes and directs, and his dialogue coming out of Rogen’s mouth is at times priceless. Epic, even. The plot is 100% worthless, but that’s not really the point. Kevin Smith is completely on top of his screenwriting game in this one, and as anyone who has followed his work through the years knows, that’s something you don’t want so miss. (more…)

Well it’s another week and probably a good time to rent something that isn’t a new release.  The most noteworthy release coming out this week appears to be Hellboy II and just like the first Hellboy movie I seemed to miss this one when it was out in theaters (hey, movies cost a lot of money now and I have to be selective).  (more…)

6 games to buy, 10 games to rent and 7 games to kill

Blake Lively’s got legs

It isn’t college without drinking games

Shawn Johnson’s Taco Pops

Fan’s of winning football teams have better sex

YouTube in 1985

Lindsay Lohan is a Cheerleader

Nose gel dispenser is fun for the whole family

Kung Poo

Saturday college football picks

Drunk babies are out of control

You know what stinks? Everything, everybody, every moment of life.

Ok, really: in this current, war-torn world of ours, life can get pretty bad, even disastrous – but that is not what we will be talking about here.

I’m talking about things that stink, like when you leave your overworked and underpaid job an hour later than usual, run to the bank as quick as possible before it closes to cash your check just to find out it closed an hour earlier.

Sucks – or rather, stinks – to be you.

Your rent check is going to bounce now and your landlord is gonna call you up, all pissy and annoying – just like last month. It’s not the end of the world, but it sure as hell stinks.

Febreze knows alot about airing out messes, so what better company to start a web campaign called “What Stinks?” based upon things that inconvenience everyday people. (more…)

Everybody has that friend who had a girlfriend that turned out to be a lesbian.

Once the “breaking news” is out, the same emotions crop up: devastation followed by intrigue. Is she all about scissoring chicks or does she just want a kinky threesome? Don’t count on any scandalous action: girls who make out when they’re drunk are nine times out of ten not lesbians; they just humor themselves watching guys drool over the prospect.

Unfortunately for most guys in this situation, a hot-and-heavy threesome is not what’s on your girl’s mind. She likes chicks that look like dudes. Nothing is more embarrassing. Sorry, bro.

How do you avoid such an embarrassing incident? You nip it in the bud before it’s too late by looking for the following tell-tale signs. (more…)