Tweens across the nation are in a tizzy over today’s release of New Moon, the much-anticipated second installment in the Twilight Saga.  And as much as we love Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, vampires and werewolves, for our money SNL’s Firelight parody with Taylor Swift as one of the Franks beats New Moon in spades.  Twilight Bad, Firelight Good.

Based upon this video, it would seem the late Michael Jackson has been reincarnated in the form of a 1980’s Nintendo video game character, where his dancing and moonwalking skills come in surprisingly handy. Plus, it appears he did make it into heaven – now kids can play with him all day long. (Too soon? Nope!)

In Las Vegas, escorts are advertised EVERYWHERE – rolling billboards, cabbies handing bound photo books with pictures and phone numbers, newspaper machines filled with catalogs, dozens of illegal Mexicans handing out business cards on every street corner. And for about $250, you can get pretty much anything you want.

During a recent bachelor party trip to Sin City, my friends and I decided call some escorts and see what the deal was. After calling around to a few promising looking ads, we soon realized that, unlike other cities where the escorts are completely different than the girls who are advertised, the escorts in Las Vegas are refundable – meaning if what you see when the girls show up doesn’t match your taste or what you requested you can send them packing without having to pay a dime.

Because of this fantastic hooker return policy, my friends and I came up with the best game in Vegas – Escort Idol. It’s just like American Idol, but instead of auditioning sucky singers who perform lame songs, you have hot hookers show you all their sexiest moves. And if you don’t like ‘em, just send them on their way.

Here’s a quick run-down of how to play: (more…)

Don’t get us wrong – we really like Rachel Maddow. Her analysis is tempered and even-handed. All in all, she’s a refreshing voice in a grimy mud puddle of political blather. But she has got to do something about her freakin’ wardrobe.

For some poor reason, they’ve decided to box her in a long-necked, wide coat that makes her appear she completely naked under her blazer – and not in a good way. On top of that, it looks as though she has a giant f**king Adam’s apple. We can’t help you with the blazer, but we’ve come up with a few ways she can divert attention from that nugget in her throat. (more…)

Ever since George Steinbrenner rode off into the sunset and left the prestigious New York Yankees in the hands of his sons and mastermind Brian Cashman, the franchise hasn’t fared too well. As the Yankees stand on the crossroads of 2008, riddled by injuries and personal moves that just haven’t panned out, one could think old George would come back and try and right the ship. One could think a conversation between him and Cashman would sound something like this… (more…)

5. Put YouTube terminals in the voting booths
You wanna know something? Us college kids are really just big magnets. If you open a dumb video of an overweight thirteen year-old kid singing a pop song from the Falkland Islands, every single student within a mile will be chuckling over your shoulder within fifteen seconds.

If our presidential candidates really want to get the 18-24 crowd out and voting, they should start making films of themselves running drunk and naked across the interstate. Right now, candidates are mostly remembered for being a bunch of lumpy old guys who still haven’t lowered the drinking age. They can do so much better: the McCain/Romney version of “Daft Bodies”, for example, would totally steal the election. I’d vote for them.

4. “Reframe the debate”
This year, the American people are concerned with economic something and whatever with foreclosure blah blah drilling offshore and climate change, very important to something Iraq timetable mumble mumble. Man! The issues are tiring! I need a nap!

So it’s not surprising that college students don’t get out to rep their favorite pols. All they talk about is boring crap that sucks! You know what college kids like? Movies. It’s what we care about. “Iraq” is far away and hard to pronounce properly. All those cutthroat late-night debates need to be centered around the real questions — the tough questions, the ones that will get students waving big posters and burning their underwear.

“I understand that Christian Bale’s a great Batman, Senator Obama, but what’s up with that police run-in? In light of his creepy bevhavior, have you reconsidered your recent “pro-shirtless Bale” position?” “Senator McCain, what’s your stance on Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA? Awful enough to be funny, or just awful enough to suck?” “If elected, what measures do the candidates plan to take to ensure that George Lucas doesn’t ruin another franchise, ever?” (more…)

Jimmy Kimmel is known to constantly apologize to Matt Damon for always running out of time when he’s scheduled to appear as a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live. This particular gag has been running for years, leading up to Damon looking for revenge. So what better way to get your “karmic” desserts than to sleep with your sworn enemies’ wife and have her write a song about the dirty deed?

Needless to say, that’s exactly what went down: Matt Damon and Sarah Silverman hooked up, and they want to share their experience with Jimmy and the world.

Sarah Silverman’s style of comedy will usually split any room into two parties, one in favor of her lewd remarks, one not so impressed – but not this time!

Kudos to Matt Damon for being such a good sport, and for having some sweet dance moves.

In case you don’t, here’s video of the master at work portraying Vanilla Ice on “In Living Color.”

The “Chocolate Rain” superstar Tay Zonday is back with a new hilarious big budget viral video.

“Cherry Chocolate Rain” was produced by Cadbury Schweppes to push it’s new soda Cherry Chocolate diet Dr. Pepper.

I expected the video to fail miserably but it’s incredible. Tay Zonday has a great sense of humor because the video is one giant mockery of the internet viral video phenomenon and Tay himself.