In the Amsterdam Olympics, there are no losers, only winners! In one of the major cities of sport—Amsterdam—you can prove superhuman feats of athleticism, with grueling sporting contests involving every possible debauchery the Red Light district has to offer - events illegal in our country, but perfectly accepted by our civilized cousins across the pond. Are you ready to face this extreme-sport action-challenge? Let the games begin!

OPENING TORCH CEREMONY

It’s time to inhale some culture! What better place to kick off the games than one of the city’s beloved coffee shops. You know, they serve “coffee” nudge-nudge wink-wink. At these beloved establishments, all types of pot and hash can be ordered right off of a menu. Just like McDonalds except they don’t ask if you “want fries with that”.

LIVE SEX SHOW EVENT

The first event involves seeing “live humans” on stage having sex. The challenge involves finding a show where the doorman looks the least sleaziest. I’m going to avoid places that advertises “Private Booths”. To me, “Private Booths” mean “sticky floors”.

BIATHLON

Next is a duo challenge. The first part involves drinking some blessed mushroom tea. The second part involves buying a stolen bike off of a junkie for under 20 Euros, then riding around the streets of Amsterdam until the imaginary bats that are attacking your head cause you to curl up in the fetal position behind a bunch of trash cans.

EQUESTRIAN EVENT

There wont be jumping over water with on a horse. But a horse is involved! This event shows mankind’s extreme love for the animal kingdom. Park your newly purchased stolen bike outside the Sex Museum of Amsterdam. Once inside, there are exhibits of standard stuff; sex through the ages artwork, toys, historical stuff. Towards the back is your Holy Grail - the bestiality exhibit. There’s a plaque. To paraphrase; having sex with animals is sinful for males, but is more natural for woman. Hmmmm?

BEDTIME EVENT

Prior to the onset of this last event, consume one very potent Space Cake. (This delicious delicacy, served at most Coffee Shops, is comprised of cake and hash.) After this quick “pick-me-up” snack, return to the Red Light district . Women, clad only in underwear, stand in red-illuminated windows, tapping on the glass like puppies in a pet store wanting a new owner. Inside, there’s a small bed and plenty of Kleenex. Some have curtains drawn, meaning the “rompy-stompy” is taking place. Most look like worn-out moms. The good-looking ones seem hardened. Choose wisely…

CLOSING CEREMONY

Drag yourself out of the drug and sex-fuled haze and make it to the airport before your plane leaves and you’ve successfully completed the Amsterdam Olympics! Now, just give yourself a pat on the back and start saving up for next year’s games.

This has been a crazy year here at COED, with more T&A-filled nonsense than a Japanese game show. And we’re proud of what we’ve done. (Maybe not proud in a, “Hey mom, check this out” kinda way, but happy with the outcome, nonetheless.) So to remember the highlights of 2008, we’ve put together the 10 most popular stories from the past 12 months. From handstands to Handbras, we’ve covered the events in the finest way we know how – with smokin’ hot chicks leading the way. So get ready for the best of the best. And farewell, 2008 - you’ve been a crazy son-of-a-bitch.

#10 The 100 Hottest Hand-Bras of All-Time

Ah, yes–the wonderful, magnificent “hand-bra”. There’s just something about a woman holding her own breasts that sends a magical lightning bolt of lust through any man worth his weight in Jergens. Maybe it’s that we want to put our hands there, or maybe it’s how freakin’ hot you look doin’ it. So get ready because if you’re already a breast-man, this could possibly be the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in you’re entire life. And if you’re not a breast-man, you’re about to become one. You’re welcome.

#9 The Ass-ential Nastia Liukin

The perfect weapon–vicious talent, inhuman flexibility, super hotness–Anastasia “Nastia” Valeryevna Liukin reigns as star of the 2008 US women’s gymnastics team at the Beijing Summer Games.

With nine World Championship medals already in the bag–and a fresh Olympic gold, which she earned Thursday night in the women’s gymnastics overall competition–this 18-year-old comes from an immaculate pedigree, her father winning Olympic gold at the ‘88 Games on the horizontal bars for the Soviets, her mother a World Champion rhythmic Russian gymnast.

And on top of all those skills is a blond bombshell that makes us wish we were chalk boys…or something. But were not, so we did what we do best–a wall of split-rific pics of the all around awesomeness that is Nastia Liukin. And now, The Ass-ential Nastia Liukin.

#8 The Ass-ential Alicia Sacramone

Despite her tragic falls last night in the fight for the gold against the uber-jail-bait Chinese gymnastics team (who won), 20-year-old Alicia Sacramone is still our favorite high-flying hottie. She’s cute as can be, and fills out the spandex better than any other gymnast in Beijing this year–maybe ever. Oh, and did we mention that she’s a total badass?

To properly honor this flexible hottie, we’ve put together the one-stop-shop for all the Sacramone sexiness this side of the Great Wall with The Ass-ential Alicia Sacramone. Maybe the US team came in second yesterday, but Alicia and her bodacious butt have already earned their gold.

#7 COED’s Comprehensive Guide to Naked Olympians

Nothing combines the beauty and athletic prowess of the Olympic Games like female athletes showing off their finely tuned bodies without the unnecessary hindrance of clothing. To celebrate the awesomeness of these perfect human specimens, we’ve compiled the quintessential collection of every Olympian to ever strip off her uniform.

In the years to come, we hope to see the likes of Lolo Jones, Almudena Cid, Cat Osterman, Jenn Stuczynski, Alona Bondarenko, Rita Dravucz, Yelena Isinbayeva, and of course, Alison Stokke. But for now, we’ll just have to settle for the 36 who’ve already helped the Games by showing us all exactly what they’re made of.

#6 The Definitive 25 Sexiest Sportscasters

In the world of sports, you have the athletes and then you have the female sportscasters. Not only do these vixens of stats and plays deliver awesome (and sometimes hilarious) sideline reporting and interviews, they add a woman’s touch to an ugly man’s world, making it all worthwhile–even when your team loses. From a sea of beauty, brains and braun, we’ve narrowed down the field of these mic-holding honeys. So sit back, grab a beer, and get read for the Top 25 Sexiest Sportscasters.

#5 The 52 Best Natural Breasts of All-Time

If you haven’t noticed, we here at COED love women. We couldn’t live without them - neither could you. Another thing you might not have noticed is that October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Since we much prefer the lovely ladies of the world happy, healthy and whole, we thought we’d help out.

In addition to donating, what’s a better way to help celebrate this important month than by sorting through all the greatest sweater kittens from history to bring you the 52 Best Natural Breasts of All-Time? Answer: There isn’t one.

#4 Sexy Halloween Costumeless

Every dude (except this one) loves Halloween for one reason and one reason only - super slutty costumes that show a lot of skin. But this year, it’s time to take things to the next level: costume-less.

Instead of dressing up to show less, why not cut to the chase and just paint the damn thing on? Luckily for us all, that’s exactly what these lovely ladies have done. Sure, it might get a bit cold on trick-or-treat night, but something tells us both the tricks and the treats are going to be hell of a lot better if this trend catches on.

A note to all you “employees” out there, this one is mildly NSFW. Yes, these women are “naked.” But if the nipple isn’t nipple-colored, then is it really nude? We say no, but your boss might say yes. So don’t be a dumbass - think before clicking on this one - and don’t say we didn’t warn you.  Happy Halloween!

#3 Top 25 Sexiest Female Athletes of 2007

These girls can out-run you, out-swim you; shut you down in a game of full-court b-ball, ski faster and jump higher than you ever will. They have physical prowess in their respective sport, and unlike 99% of the other girls in their league are incredibly nice to look at!

Without further ado, here are the Top 25 Sexiest Female Athletes of 2007. Check out each girl’s gallery and vote in the poll for your top choice.

#2 The 20 Sexiest Photo Collections of 2007

Along with sex-tapes, scandalous pictures of hot celebrities were all the rage in 2007, culminating with the following 20 photo collections.

Some of the sexy photo collections on display are from print magazines (one of which introduced Megan Fox to the world) and Hollywood red-carpet events; but the majority were made infamous because the candid shots were not intended for the internet (we’re looking at you, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens and Antonella Barba).

#1 Hot for Teacher: 18 Sexiest Sex Offenders

It has to be said: female school teachers are the new male Catholic priests.

Sexual offenses committed by female teachers is at its peak, much like the libidos of the accused. While male teachers are (rightfully) lambasted for their sexual misconduct, women seem to get off much easier - literally and figuratively. And why, you ask? The answer is simple: older women seducing younger men is part of our culture, like it or not. Just ask Mrs. Robinson, or Stifler’s Mom.

South Park touched on the subject in “Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy,” where Kyle’s little brother Ike has an affair with his Kindergarten teacher. The cops in the episode have a field day with the case, exclaiming “niiiiiiiiice” after hearing about the teacher’s naughty secret. Their point, however blurry, was well taken: everybody loves a sexed-up authoritative figure, within reason.

My point and solution? Horny teachers should wait, ever so patiently, until their prey graduates. If you’re into kids, you deserve to be locked up; if you’re into being the older lady for kicks, play your cards right, don’t break the law, and have at it like a jackrabbit.

We here at COED do not condone sexual misconduct by any means, unless said means consist of hot, willing and able teachers getting down with young studs. Just kidding…?

You may remember the lovely Kara Goucher from the Bejing Olympics… probably not because she finished 9th in the 5000m and 10th in the 10000m , but more likely because of the attention a certain Redeem Team player was throwing her way.

Well, today the married Mrs. Goucher is making headlines again, finishing an impressive third with a time of 2 hours, 25 minutes, 53 seconds in Sunday’s running of the ING NYC Marathon.

Typically I’d have more patience watching Monday Night Bingo at the Elks Lodge, than television marathon coverage, but Kara Goucher is quickly making me a believer.  In addition to bringing sexy back to a traditionally non-spectator-friendly sport, the 30 year-old Queens native is drawing the eyes of the running world being the first US woman in 14 years to stand top 3 in NYC.

I think SportsByBrooks nailed it on the head with their headline “Hottie Wins Third, But FIrst In My Heart”.

Check out SBB for more Kara Goucher pics.

FOX To Stream Fall Premieres For Dorms

In a first, Fox will stream the premiere of “Fringe” and season opener of “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” online at the same time as they bow on TV.

But there’s a catch: Only computer users on college campuses will be able to log in to watch the simul-stream.

Move helps Fox expose the trend-setting college audience — who are more likely to have computers than TVs in their dorm rooms — to the shows. [Variety]

US Colleges Moving To Retire Cafeteria Trays

Crammed on middle linebacker Derek Walker’s plate are beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, spinach and a roll. In the other hand, he balances a salad and a bottle of hot sauce. He lumbers through the small, tabled-filled cafeteria and plunks down without spilling a drop.

All without a tray.

“You’ve just got to do with what you have,” Walker said. Glenville State has joined an increasing number of colleges and universities that have shed their cafeteria trays. [Google]

Beijing 2008: College Olympians to Remember

Scores of athletes competing in Beijing were 2008 collegians, including a dozen American medal-winners.

Look back at some of the best, culled from our blog coverage at home and abroad. [uWire]

This morning the United States men’s basketball team returned back to its rightful place atop the basketball world for the first time since 2000.  After poor showings in the 2002 and 2006 World Championships and a bronze medal in the 2004 Summer Games, the USA set out on a 3-year commitment to build chemistry and camaraderie on and off the court, earning it the nickname The Redeem Team heading into this year’s world tournament.

But how much is this Redeem Team worth?

With a team assembled of the NBA’s elite, it was surprising that only 3 of the league’s top 25 highest-paid players were on the USA roster - Jason Kidd $21.4M, Kobe Bryant $21.3M, and Michael Redd $15.8M.  The 12 players on The Redeem Team will combine to earn $160.6M in 2008-09 NBA estimated salaries, an average of $13.4M each.  However, that figure includes Deron Williams ($5M) and Chris Paul ($4.6M), who are both entering the final year of their rookie contract - both of whom recently signed contract extensions of nearly $70M over 4 years - an average of roughly $17M per season.  Take those two salaries out and it cost $151M for 10 guys, an average of $15.1M per. Read more

Over the past two weeks, we’ve worked hard to bring you all the hottest Olympic athletes–from beach volleyball to gymnastics. But this time we’ve saved the best for last–Spanish, Olympic rhythmic gymnast super-hottie, Almudena Cid, who performs tomorrow in the finals.

You may not know a lot about rhythmic gymnastics, but that’s ok. There’s not much to know. Bascially, they just dance around on the floor and twirl around a streamer like Will Ferrell does in Old School. Actually, it’s exactly what Will Ferrell does in Old School. Except way sexier.

Check out Amudena Cid’s gallery here!

Nothing is more exhilarating than Women’s Beach Volleyball… nothing except maybe Women’s Beach Volleyball played in the RAIN!!! Tonight Misty May-Treanor & Kerri Walsh defeated the boy-like Chinese team Tian Ja/Wang Jie in two straight matches, and did I mention they did it in the RAIN!!!

The set marks May-Treanor/Walsh’s 67th consecutive international win and second olympic gold medal in eight years.  These girls got it goin’ on.  One thing’s for certain, if there is a God, He loves Himself some Women’s Beach Volleyball.

Check out the Ass-entials of Beach Volleyball

This is a live screen-grab from NBC’s coverage of the Olympic gymnastics competition in Beijing. And the hotties kissing are, we think, Romanian floor exercise gold medalist Sandra Izbasa and her coach, caught in a gleeful embrace of super sexy proportions. Now it’s your job to tell us what they’re thinking.

The Rules:
Submit your best caption editor@coedmagazine.com, and the winner (based purely on our bias) will receive a $15 iTunes gift card! Let the captioning begin!

The summer olympics is like having 16 days of Christmas for us here at COED… 16 days of scantily clad, athletic female bodies sweating out their hearts and souls under the banner of sport and country.

We definitely loves us some female athletes.  So to contine with the celebration of all this athletic, olympic hotness,  COED diggs into the vault to help you remember The Top 25 Sexiest Female Athletes of 2007.

Check out COED’s Top 25 Sexiest Female Athletes of 2007 here.

How Not To Do A Backflip - Watch more free videos

While watching the Olympics, it’s easy to forget that people are actually bad at stuff sometimes. Since we’re all wrapped up in sports these days, let’s see what it looks like when a normal person tries to do a backflip. (HINT: It involves his face.)

Friday, August 15th

Olivia Munn Breast Massage

Sometimes, life grants you a small pleasure that just makes your day.

But rarely do you get the amazingly awesome, fantastic, supple pleasure of giving Attack of the Show’s Olivia Munn a freakin’ breast massage, like what’s his name gets to do in this snippet of television gold.

The Ass-ential Nastia Liukin

The perfect weapon–vicious talent, inhuman flexibility, super hotness–Anastasia “Nastia” Valeryevna Liukin reigns as star of the 2008 US women’s gymnastics team at the Beijing Summer Games.

And on top of all those skills is a blond bombshell that makes us wish we were chalk boys…or something. But were not, so we did what we do best–a wall of split-rific pics of the all around awesomeness that is Nastia Liukin. And now, The Ass-ential Nastia Liukin.

Thursday, August 14th

COED Remembers: Parties At The Playboy Mansion

You’re going to want to sit down for this one: Hugh Hefner has decided to stop throwing his epic Playboy Mansion parties, in an attempt to cut costs. After his recent “Midsummer Night’’s Dream” gala, Hefner announced that his upcoming Halloween bash will be the last.

So, instead of drinking ourselves into a suicidal stupor because of this sad news, we’ve decided to celebrate the bootylicious bashes The Mansion has give us the world by compiling galleries of all the infamous, skin-tastic parties of the past. So grab a cocktail, sit back, and take a journey through all the best parties you were never cool enough to attend in the first place.

Wednesday, August 13th

The Ass-ential Alicia Sacramone

Despite her tragic falls last night in the fight for the gold against the uber-jail-bait Chinese gymnastics team (who won), 20-year-old Alicia Sacramone is still our favorite high-flying hottie. She’s cute as can be, and fills out the spandex better than any other gymnast in Beijing this year–maybe ever. Oh, and did we mention that she’s a total badass?

To properly honor this flexible hottie, we’ve put together the one-stop-shop for all the Sacramone sexiness this side of the Great Wall with The Ass-ential Alicia Sacramone. Maybe the US team came in second yesterday, but Alicia and her bodacious butt have already earned their gold.

How To Fly With Pot

Nothing makes for a relaxing vacation like toking on some dank sh*t. But if your plans involve flying, getting your stash from home to your destination involves breaking quite a few laws. So to keep you from having to track down a dealer when you’re from out of town–never a good plan–we’ve laid out exactly how to sneak a bit on board without the Department of Homeland security shoving a German shepherd up your a**. But remember, if you still get caught, we’ve never met…

The Top 9 US Olympic Athlete Producing Colleges

If you’re anything like us, you’ve been sitting around on the couch, watching the best athletes in the world compete for international greatness while you stuff your face with Funyuns and refill your beer helmet thinking, “Where the helldo all these amazing athletes come from?”

Tuesday, August 12th

COED Presents: Brett Favre The College Years

No matter how many games he’ll win in the East Rutherford swamp this year, Brett Favre’s majestic career will be forever remembered in the minds of fans with a Packers jersey and a three day old beard. Most people don’t remember, or don’t even know about, his extraordinary collegiate career at Southern Mississippi. Those glorious four years are merely stat lines preceding his NFL career, yet instead of wondering about what the future holds for football’s number 4 let’s take a look at his past; a look at Brett Favre: The College Years.

Prime Time Babe Battle: “Mad Men” vs “Friday Night Lights”

This marks the start of our ongoing series, “Prime Time Babe Battle,” which highlights all the lovely ladies of the small screen. They’re those sultry vixens who come into our homes, grip our imaginations and leave us high and dry at each commercial break. This week, we set up Mad Men’s January Jones, Elizabeth Moss and Christina Hendricks against Friday Night Lights‘ Adrianne Palicki, Minka Kelly and Aimee Teagarden. Deciding the hottest show on television is up to you.

Alison Carroll is Lara Croft #9 [Pics]

Joining the ranks of sexy fictional battle-spelunkers comes the newest model for Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft, Alison Carroll. Having recently quit her job as a receptionist to be the analog-embodiment of this digital uber-hottie full-time, Carroll is a former gymnast who’s performed routines for Prince Charles and choreographed an award-winning junior gymnastics team. So let’s welcome Alison how we’ve welcomed all the Lara Crofts before her, by oogling.

Monday, August 11th

The Dark Side of the Beijing Opening Ceremony

No opening ceremony for any Olympics before has been so well-directed, massive, awesome…or made us wish we were on drugs so much as the incredible spectacle of Beijing’s opening ceremony last Friday night. The drums, the lights, the giant screen and 15,000 people running, fighting, flying–it was a visual orgasm.

But we’ve done you one better. To help you enjoy the Beijing opening ceremony to its fully-influenced potential, we at COED have made “The Dark Side of the Beijing” mash-up, combining the opening ceremony with Pink Floyd’s infamous “Dark Side of the Moon.” The Wizard of Oz ain’t got nothin’ on this…

The Week in Re-Boob: Aug 4th - 8th

Here it is folks.  The Week in Re-Boob for the week that was August 4th - 8th… all the hottest galleries the interweb has to offer. So don’t worry if you missed any of last week’s skintastic sexiness, we’ve got you completely covered. You might want to take a deep breath before diving into this one.

“Mao Tse Tongue”

After a week of the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, we dragged ourselves out of our celebratory drunken stupor to pick a winner for our Olympic Edition Caption Contest! “Roqdog” submitted the winning one-liner, and will be receiving a $15 iTunes gift card! Check back for your chance to win in the next competition, which we’ll put together, once we’re done drinking….