Man, do we love fast food. It’s cheap, it’s delicious and it satisfies every self-hating cell in your body with highly processed, corporately created concoctions that any man, woman or child can enjoy. But if you’re anything like me, such easily acquired satisfaction comes at a cost… in the form of nearly crapping your pants. Here are the Top 5 Fast Food Restaurants That Will Make You Scared to Fart.

5. McDonald’s

For whatever reason, McDonald’s is one of those “food products” you know you shouldn’t eat, but some days, it sounds like the most delicious thing in the world. So you go for it. And within an hour of finishing your Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal, that’s when you remember why it’s a guilty pleasure – because the whole value meal is about to come rocketing out of your ass faster than you can say “Super size.” You’d think that eating Happy Meals since early childhood would build up a tolerance in your stomach to the wads of grease, salt and sugar McDonald’s tries to pass off as food, but you’d be wrong.

Worst meal: McGriddle with hashbrowns and coffee

4. White Castle

Unlike McDonald’s, which can seem like a wise lunch choice (at least before you eat it), White Castle is one of those foods that you only eat when you’re feeling particularly masochistic – or drunk, high, hung over or all of the above. And since their hamburgers are the size of a Little Debbie snack, you inevitably end up eating about 15 more than you planned on consuming in the first place. And before you know it, you’re laying in the middle of the parking lot in the fetal position, wondering what the hell you were thinking. So before you chip in for your next Crave Case, remember: they’re called “Slyders” for a reason…

Worst meal: Jalapeño cheeseburger Crave Case with onion rings

3. Long John Silver’s

Just thinking about fast food fish products makes me feel a little queezy. So when that’s the only thing a restaurant offers, it doesn’t exactly instill confidence. Add a heaping helping of fried batter and hush puppies, and that pretty much guarantees a serious disturbance in the force shall haunt your future. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the food – all I’m saying is that there are reasons fish is best served fresh, and it has specifically to do with your intestines.

Worst meal: Anything

2. Taco Bell

The first indication that a food might cause you some digestion issues is that it looks pretty much the same going in as it does coming out. And all you have to do is take one look at Taco Bell’s ground beef to know what’s in store for your intestines in the not-too-distant future. It’s a shame, because Taco Bell has to be one of the absolute best drunk foods, ever. But when something’s as delicious as a Chalupa, you know there’s going to be a fiery hell to pay.

Worst meal: Volcano burrito

1. Popeyes Chicken

Maybe this is a bit of an over-share, but I cannot even get through an entire meal of Popeyes chicken before having to make a serious emergency run to the bathroom. Seriously. And it’s a damn shame, because all I want to do is enjoy the deliciously greasy chicken in peace. But something inside me just won’t let that happen. And I know I’m not alone – whenever we have Popeyes day at the COED office, there aren’t enough bathrooms to handle the ghastly result of a family pack of chicken and sides. But you know what? It’s totally, totally worth it.

Worst meal: Chicken dinner with red beans and rice

Remember a while back, when that lady sued McDonald’s for millions of dollars because her coffee was too hot? Well, it turns out that many of the details of that case were left out of the reporting. Things like the fact that her coffee really was too hot; so hot, it was capable of “instantaneous destruction of the skin.” And did you know that the woman was 79-years-old at the time, and suffered third-degree over 6-percent of her body? It just gets worse from there.

Check out the whole under-told story, here!

Getting knocked out sucks no matter when or how it happens. But it sucks way, way worse to get jumped and knocked the f**k out at McDonald’s. I have no idea what this dude did to deserve this, but hopefully it was worth it.  (more…)

Dear McDonald’s,

Are you people retarded? For some reason, anytime I try ordering breakfast at a McDonald’s after 10:30am, I can’t get it–something about having to “get ready for lunch.” (Sorry, but not all of us are 78-years-old and get up at 4:30 in the f**kin’ morning.) Now, I’m not quite sure what you have against serving breakfast, or what kind of crack you’re smoking, but whatever it is, this bullsh*t has got to stop.

First, let me fill you in on a little secret–the only thing worth eating at your “restaurant” is breakfast. At the very least, it’s the best thing you serve–when you serve it. But as it stands, I end up in the same idiotic argument every time I walk through your double-doors on sixth avenue–both covered with big green signs boasting “Breakfast till 11AM,” I might add. (more…)

Kristen Bell In Her Underwear

Bong and Bikini Rehab

Tess Montgomery

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

Hilarious Gatorade Commerical

Top 20 Action Franchises

Mariah Carey Throws A Pitch

Jet Powered Bicycle

Heidi Klum Eats McDonald’s

The Lower East Side Is Endangered

Ryan Giesel, a freshman at SIU Carbondale, will attempt what we at COED feel to be the impossible: consume every value meal from McDonalds’ menu, starting with the Big Mac all the way to the Fish Fillet…all in one sitting without getting up.

If you’re keeping score at home, that is:

#1 – Big Mac, #2 – 2 Cheeseburgers, #3 – Quarter Pounder w/ cheese, #4 – Double Quarter Pounder w/ cheese, #5 – Big N’ Tasty, #6 – Double Cheeseburger, #7 – Chicken Ranch BLT Sandwich, #8 – Premium Chicken Club Sandwich, #9 – Chicken McNuggets (10 piece), #10 – Chicken Selects, #11 – Premium Chicken Classic Sandwich, #12 – Fillet-O-Fish

The fries with each value meal have to be eaten as well.

The only stipulation: 100,000 people must join his Facebook group promoting the challenge for him to get ‘er done. Over 28,000 have joined in support already; with the viral nature of the internet we expect this number to be met by weeks end.

To support Ryan’s death-wish join his group (If 100,000 people join, I’ll eat every McDonalds value meal, #1-12) and send invites to all your friends. We will keep you updated on the progress and will post the video of the challenge taking place as soon as it’s available.

Sex is a wonderful thing. I don’t need to tell you that. Spontaneous sex is even better; more excitement, more danger and none of that boring planning that goes into the regular stuff (like getting a condom).

But after my experiences this past week, spontaneous (and maybe even super safe) sex is totally. Out. Of the question.

I spent my entire last weekend watching three children. Six-year-old twins and a potty-training three-year-old. And it only took me a total of 4 minutes to realize just how unready I am for child rearing.

Somewhere between the mini van and the screaming and the multiple trips to McDonalds (which somehow all ended in tears and ketchup all over my brand new jeans), I learned just how horrible the idea of getting pregnant could be. And for those of you out there who continue to have unprotected sex, STDs are not the thing to fear – this is:

1. No Showers: There is just no time. And if you manage to find 5 minutes in the day to leave the kids by themselves, you will most likely come out to find mass destruction, a child crying or both. (more…)

This gem of a training video for cooking burgers was unearthed only recently on YouTube. If you have the urge to turn it off after the first few moments just know it gets way better – and way more bizarre.

This is what they teach you at Wendys:

“I’m only stopping in for one,â€? were always the last words I uttered on some of my biggest nights out. The second they escaped my lips, regardless of how much I meant it, I always ended up partying until at least 8 in the morning.

I was lucky, and more times than not, made it back to my apartment in one piece—though getting my key into my askew lock was mission impossible most of the time. There were a few occasions I woke up in an unknown location (“ok, I do know you… but how did I get here?â€?).

On one of my worst homeward bound adventures, I decided it would be a wise idea to take the bus. I would save money by not taking a cab. The bus stop was right outside my apartment. It was daylight—why wouldn’t I use public transportation? I’ll tell you why.

I woke up half way across the city, with a wing to the bus all to myself. The second I opened my eyes, all I could smell was vodka and smoke—which kept people away from me and the surrounding seats open due to the vile smell seeping out of my pores. (more…)

College kids definitely know what it’s like to have the munchies at 3 a.m., pass by a fast food place and feel the temptation. And as if a SuperSized soft drink wasn’t big enough to entice us, McDonald’s has recently introduced the Hugo.42 ounces of completely unnecessary calories. 410 to be exact.

Didn’t this movie influence Micky D’s to get rid of the whole “excessive sizes thingâ€? a few years back?

Guess the McPeeps decided that ginormous sizes were back in for good, cause the Hugo – whose name even sounds fattening, like, if Hugo was an actual person, he’d look something like this – is being sold at exclusive locations like the ones in St. Louis.

The kicker is, the Hugo is only 89 cents, so it’s been selling like crazy, thanks to the summer heat. AND you’ll soon be able to use the Hugo to wash down their new 1/3 POUND ANGUS BURGER.

American’s are getting fatter, people. Do we really need all this? (more…)