It’s not hard for a bad movie to open on top of the weekend box office chart — a combination of heavy marketing, recognizable stars, and a simple concept pretty much assures it.  Every month, for example, a new bad horror movies comes and goes.  Remember The Messengers, Darkness Falls or Urban Legends: Final Cut?  They were all the #1 movie in America at one point.

Romantic comedies work the same way: Forces of Nature, Monster-in-Law, and Failure to Launch all topped the box office in their day.  And then there’s the awful kids’ movies that lazy parents pay for: Scooby Doo…Pokemon…The Pacifier…and the list goes on.

The thing about all these movies is that they’re passively bad.  Everybody already knew they would suck, and they’re quickly forgotten.  Sometimes, however, a movie opens at #1 that is really bad.  Offensively bad.  Beg-for-your-money-back, sign-of-the-impending-apocalypse bad.  Here are the 10 Worst Movies to Open at #1.  (more…)

Ever watch an action scene in a movie and think to yourself, “that definitely wouldn’t work in real life”?  Heck, ever see an action scene you think would work?  See, action heroes aren’t just heroes, they’re gods.  Plug yourself into any action movie situation, even the seemingly plausible ones, and it becomes obvious: even with the right training, you would hopelessly, hopelessly fail.  Take these five common scenarios:

5. The Escape Sequence

James Bond gets captured in every single one of his movies.  But with the exception of Die Another Day, he stays captured for about fifteen minutes before he finds a handy escape route or tricks the guards.  (Die Another Day, which also features an invisible car and a character named “Jinx” whom everybody inscrutably calls “Jince,” begins with a pointless six-month stint in North Korean captivity.)

You or I couldn’t really escape, mostly because we’re not double-oh agents.  And therefore things wouldn’t go very smoothly:

• We would look for an air duct to crawl through, but even if we found one, it would actually be screwed onto the wall and not easily removable.
• We would try to trick the guards, but the guards wouldn’t turn out to be quite as stupid as Bond henchman.
• Any attempt to Judo Chop the guards would result in them punching us in the face and/or shooting us outright.
• And most unfortunately, there would be no super-hot girl hanging around who works for the bad guy but really wants to jump our bones, so much so that she’d help us escape.

4. The Car Chase in a Tightly-Packed City

These have been around forever, but the Bourne series used them to great effect in all three movies.  The 2008 Dennis Quaid/Matthew Fox flick Vantage Point also had a terrific car chase on the super-narrow streets of Spain, as well as classics like Ronin and The French Connection.  But let’s be honest: pretty much anybody would crash in less than ten seconds.

It’s not just the ninety-degree turns that any car should have to slow down to less than 30 MPH for.  It’s not just that you would get stuck behind things constantly.  It’s really that in a crowded, cramped city, you’re going to hit somebody.  The hero can’t look bad, so he never does: Matt Damon doesn’t hit any old ladies while he’s gunning it away from Karl Urban in India at the beginning of The Bourne Supremacy.  But you and I would.  Luckily, our horror at murdering an innocent due to plain old reckless driving would be cut short when Karl Urban walked up to us and killed us.

3. That Cliché Where Two Characters Are in Close-Up and then You Hear a Shot, and then One of Them Slowly Falls

Remember the end of Minority Report?  Max Von Sydow had framed Tom Cruise for a murder, Cruise finally figures it out, and the two of them are squaring off on a balcony.  Von Sydow has the gun, but he also knows he’s been exposed and his life’s work will be ruined, so as the two draw closer to each other, the question is: is he going to shoot Cruise, or himself?

The two of them get up really close to each other so you can only see their faces, and then you hear the gunshot.  Both their eyes widen, neither of them move, but then ever so slowly, Von Sydow falls to the floor.

Unfortunately, I had seen the exact same thing happen in the 1998 sci-fi TV movie Chameleon.  Really.  So the Minority Report version didn’t have much of a “wow” factor.  But, of course, it got me thinking: why does the person who didn’t get shot just sort of…stand there?

Because if it were me, I would freak the hell out.  Think about it: somebody is exactly one foot away from you, has a loaded gun, and fires said loaded gun.  Would you (A) stand there with wide eyes, quivering slightly, until the other person decided he was going to fall down, or (B) scream like a girl and jump backward?  Yeah, me too.

2. Resisting the Femme Fatale

Another staple of James Bond: a random hot girl shows up in his room and tries to seduce him; he goes for it, but then realizes she’s trying to kill him at the last second and a fight ensues.  This happened most famously in Goldfinger, thanks to the best pun in the history of movies.  Bond eventually electrocutes the chick in the bathtub, and before he leaves the room, he looks at her and says: “Shocking.”

But if it were me?  True, a girl coming onto me would be a new experience, but I certainly wouldn’t take the time to get all suspicious about it.  Stab me, shoot me, whatever you were planning on: my mind is going to be on exactly one thing.  And I’m guessing yours would be, too.  Hey, we’re only human.

1. Everything John McClane Has Ever Done

A bunch of people complained about Live Free or Die Hard turning Bruce Willis’s John McClane into too much of a superhero, I guess as opposed to an ordinary guy.  To them I say: did you ever see Die Hard 2?  The climax of that movie features him blowing up a plane that’s already in the sky while he’s standing on the runway thanks to some impossibly perfect timing and a whole lot of gasoline.  That would require me to get my lighter to work on the first try, so…no.

How about the classic scene from the first Die Hard in which McClane is barefoot and walks over the broken glass?  He just does it.  I, personally, would’ve taken a more crafty approach, like maybe taking off my shirt and sweeping all the glass away.  One of Professor Snape’s goons probably would’ve killed me in the process, but I think it’d be worth the risk.  Because that glass would’ve really hurt.

For some guys, an offshore bank account may sound like something out of a James Bond film or maybe a clever way for an arms dealer to conduct business. But the truth is that lots of guys use offshore accounts for a variety of reasons. It may sound sexy to talk about an offshore account, but for the most part, banking offshore is about saving on tax dollars.

But if taxes aren’t a concern, liability may very well be — in which case offshore banking limits a creditor’s access to your funds (different country, different law). Finally, there are some guys who don’t need that Swiss bank account, but open it while on vacation because what better pickup line is there than dropping “my Swiss bank account” into the conversation?

If any of those reasons sound like they match your own motivations, here’s how you can open an offshore bank account.

A 21-year-old Ohio native, Brooklyn Decker makes modeling look easy with her all-American good looks and a body to kill for. She appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition three times, in 2006 – 2008, as well as Teen Vogue, Cosmo, Glamour and FHM.

Click to see Brooklyn Deckers’ full “Week That Way” gallery!

Friday, November 14th

Held Down By an Ape, Mauled to Death by a Liger

Last night, my friend Jane told me the craziest f**king sh*t I’ve ever heard. In fact, I doubt what I’m about to tell you has ever happened before in all of history. But I must say, this story’s not for the feint of heart. So unless you think incredibly horrible things happening to super dumbasses is gut-bustingly hilarious, I’d recommend you stop reading right now. Otherwise, your mind is about to be blown.

The COED Answer Mime Takes Your Questions…

Here at COED Magazine, we receive enormous amounts of fan mail every day. Some of it just says how awesome we are, while other letters beg for our help. We may not have all the answers, but we definitely have most of them, so listen up and you might learn a thing or two. The following are answers to a few common questions we have received in the past.

The Hottest NHL Ice Dancers of ‘08 – ‘09

We’ve been as guilty as any when it comes to equal coverage of professional cheerleaders.It’s always about football cheerleaders while there are other sports out there where the women shake it for a living. Take the NHL for example.

Did you realize that there are plenty of hot women in the league who skate around the ice and dance on a frozen surface?

Thursday, November 13th

Cheerleader Showdown VIII

As you all know, we here at COED love these peppy ladies more than life itself (except the part of life that involves cheerleaders, of course). So get ready for our eighth installment of Cheerleader Showdown!

A Very Sh*tty One Night Stand

Call me a sick son-of-a-b*tch, but there are few things I love more than a good unfortunate/unexpected sh*t story. And by unfortunate/unexpected, I mean the kind of situation that is made extremely complicated and uncomfortable due to an unexpected bowel movement. The following is a totally true account of perhaps the greatest sh*t story ever. (The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. If you are easily offended, now is a good time to stop reading)

Quick Guide To Using NyQuil To Sleep

Having trouble falling asleep in the noisy dorms? Neighbors blasting the TV or stereo? Are your suite mates keeping you awake with loud moans and groans of sexual ecstasy? Like it or not, students are turning to over-the-counter sleeping aides to escape the many late night dorm distractions. College kids are popping Tylenol PM like they are Tic-Tacs and downing death-red NyQuil like it’s cherry soda.

5 Terrible Pick-Up Lines That Might Get You Laid

News flash! Some bad pick-up lines can actually work to land yourself a new lady friend – and you know you want a new lady friend. So like a lion pacing the Savannah, you go to the target rich environment of your choice looking for love. If you are 5’2, 250 this advice will not help. Sorry old chap. If you are a young George Clooney, you don’t need help. But if you are reasonable looking single guy or simply an unfaithful bastard, here are some time tested lines and some analysis of each.

Wednesday, November 12th

Adriana Lima is Today’s Daily Snapshot

What more needs to be said about Adriana Lima that hasn’t already been said? She is hands down one of the most gorgeous women in the world – and don’t let the fact that she is engaged to Memphis Grizzly player Marko Jaric discourage you. Like many of her fellow models Adriana comes from Brazil. While she is best known as a Victoria’s Secret underwear model she has also appeared in several sexy layouts for magazines such as GQ and Esquire. Check your mailboxes for the holiday issue of the Victoria’s Secret catalog which is bound to feature several sexy shots of Lima.

007 Movies In Order of Greatness: Bond Girl Edition

Quantum of Solace, the latest film in the James Bond series staring Daniel Craig and the stunningly sexy Olga Kurylenko, drops in American theaters this Friday. Before everyone straps in for the newest 007 flick lets go back and rank the previous 21 films. Bond films are known worldwide for their action, villains, gadgets, and of course: the sexy Bond girls!

Gluttonous Turkey Leg Porn

Ladies and gentlemen, Thanksgiving Day is just around the corner – and that means tons and tons of delicious food to feast upon. It also means that we have a thinly veiled excuse for publishing what can only be described as some new type of underground fetish – eating giant turkey legs. WTF, you ask? Well, we have no F’ing clue.

Winners Of Our Eagles Of Death Metal Giveaway Are…

Earlier this month, we held a contest in support of the Eagles of Death Metal’s new album, Heart On, and their upcoming tour. Drumroll please….and the winners are: Zach Caby from Manhattan, KS and Natasha Booker from Trenton, NJ!!! The EMOD / Babeland Prizepak includes an Eagles of Death Metal ‘Heart On’ CD, a Babeland Pocket Rocket, Megastretch Cockring, 1 oz. bottle of Babelube, and 1 oz. bottle of Babeland Massage Oil.

Tuesday, November 11th

Playboy’s 10 Great American Dive Bars

Playboy has scoured America high and low leaving no saloon or tavern untouched to produce the definitive list of 2008’s 10 Greatest American Dive Bars. In this list you’ll find “regional hot spots in unlikely locales, from a hole in the wall in San Francisco to a busting Nashville landmark.” Even though you’re more likely to find people doing keg stands than a Playmate of Kayla Collins’ [NSFW] caliber at these grungy dive bars we still like them a whole lot.

Heat-Packin’ Honeys

Today’s Veteran’s Day. And we could think of no better way to honor those who have served our country with bravery and honor than by combining two of the greatest things in life: sexy chicks and heavy weaponry. We’re not sure what it is, but when a hot girl picks up a firearm, it gets the blood flowing faster than a machine gun burst. If you have a girlfriend, we suggest you go to your local gun store and pick her up a smokin’ hot new accessory.

How to Defeat the Cock-Blocking Roommate

It’s happened to every college guy. You’re out drinking, you meet a nice girl, things are going great, and you decide to head back to her place because she “has Nintendo Wii and wants to beat you in bowling.” On the way to her apartment you’re thinking that maybe tonight is the night to try that new move you saw on FHM’s Kama Sutra, until you walk in the front door and find yourself staring into the eyes of the anti-Christ herself: the cock-blocking roommate. Here are a few tips on how to defeat this evil enemy and ultimately get you little pencil wet.

Another Favre Is Demolishing Passing Records

The Favre’s are doing it again in Mississippi – not only dominating on the football field but enjoying life off the field as well. Before St. Stanislaus’s October 31st season finale, junior quarterback Dylan Favre received his weekly pregame text message from “Uncle Brett” which read “Good luck and do what you do.” And Dylan did, going 23 of 35 for 358 yards and five touchdowns and with his final TD pass setting the Mississippi state record for touchdown passes in a single season with 43.

Monday, November 10th

The Week In Re-Boob: November 4th – 9th

Welp, it’s Monday, again, and you know what that means! Another Week In Re-Boob! We’ve got all the hottest galleries the interweb has to offer. So don’t worry if you missed any of last week’s skintastic sexiness, we’ve got you completely covered. You might want to take a deep breath before diving into this one.

Cheerleaders of the CFL

There’s no question the NFL usually kicks the crap out of Canada’s CFL. With only eight teams in the entire league, it’s just not a fair fight. But regardless of their shortcomings, our pig skin-loving brothers to the North still know how to pick their cheerleaders. From the Montreal Alouettes to the BC Felions, these spirit-filled hotties can really warm up a crowd. And with the Conference Semifinals having wrapped-up this past weekend, the Conference Finals this coming weekend and the Grey Cup (their Super Bowl) at the end of the month, it’s time you got familiar with the Cheerleaders of the CFL. Anything less just wouldn’t be neighborly. We don’t want that, now do we?

How to Ruin a Date

Dating in college is weird. There’s a part of you that thinks going out to a nice restaurant with that chick from your Finance class would be a fun, mature thing to do. There’s also the part of you that thinks having her back to your apartment to see if you can get her drunk enough to bang on the first date would be way cooler. It’s these battling emotions that lead to some interesting dating experiences. The following are a few personal experiences of mine.

James Bond Sex Pun Montage

Ashlee Simpson Gives Birth?

Lady Bugs Are Most Kick Ass In Slow Motion

Kellie Pickler Because She Is Hot And Has Fake Boobs

Victoria’s Secret Angels Overload

Haylie Duff is Definitely No Hilary

Randy Couture Exclusive!

Vikki Blows: Topless Video Game Vixen

Guess That Ass

Lebron’s Geeked Out iPod

Well it’s another week and probably a good time to rent something that isn’t a new release.  The most noteworthy release coming out this week appears to be Hellboy II and just like the first Hellboy movie I seemed to miss this one when it was out in theaters (hey, movies cost a lot of money now and I have to be selective).  (more…)

Get Smart is the latest former TV show to be made into a movie.  In this film, Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell) is thrust into duty as a secret agent for CONTROL to fight off the evil organization known as CHAOS.  Maxwell is aided by Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway).  The film also stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Alan Arkin. (more…)

Track Her Rack with GPS Bra and Panties

Derek Jeter’s Glove is Only Useful For Fielding Babes

Ivanka Trump’s Got Real American Cleavage

James Bond Takes Germany

Heidi Klum’s Guitar Hero World Tour… Sexy Director’s Cut!

The Saddest Pit Bull Birthday Party Ever

Adriana Lima’s Breasts On TV

Arizona State University Hot Chick Compares Obama To Hitler

So Brady Quinn Slays the Broncos, Right?

10 Sexiest Videos of Girls Swimming Underwater

Clergyman Hospitalized with A Bad Case Of Potato Stuck In His Ass

Jessica Biel’s Naked Pictures

Your Hottest Cheerleader in the NFL is…

Caitlin Davis Likes To Do Good Things For Others

Texas Tech Beats Texas in Battle for the BCS #1

Palin Prank Called By Sarkozy Impersonator

Girls Get Randy for Seth Rogan

The Rhino Attack Drill Just Might Save Your Life

Amber Smith… Aye Carumba!

This Is Not A Good Idea

YouTube-Ready Video Camera Gets the Goods

Katie Price Does Minnie Mouse

Kendra Wilkinson Is A Menstruating Hot Chick

25 Songs About Butts and Some Buttpainting

Drunk Idiot Electrocuted By Ceiling Light

Aerosmith’s Joe Perry Supports McCain

John McCain Does SNL

James Bond Shatters UK Box Office

New Valkyrie Trailer

The NFL’s 10 Most Injured Teams

After completing four years of college, I have learned a few things. Some of these wonderful tidbits of knowledge will come in handy for my day job, others will be strictly for evening affairs. But it was those life experiences best lived and not studied that I “remember” most fondly – and of those the theme party takes the cake.

Since I attended a little liberal arts school in Fredericksburg Virginia, (the University of Mary Washington) the parties seemed to get more creatively themed as time went on. The phrase “we did that already” became annoyingly overused by senior year. I believe the saying goes “Necessity is the mother of invention.” And we need to party. So here are my five favorite theme parties you should throw this year.

Check out 5 Theme Parties to Throw This Year after the jump! (more…)