The Arizona Cardinals are going to enter the 2008 NFL season with the ancient former grocery-bagger Kurt Warner as their starting quarterback, despite having the talented and expensive former first round pick Matt Leinart chilling on the pine.

Leinart started the first five games of 2007 before suffering a fractured collarbone against the St. Louis Rams.  However, Leinart is back and healthy this preseason – yet the powers that be are handing the team back over to Warner. (more…)

Dear Squinty-Eyed Pig Face Girl,

We haven’t known each other long, in fact we may never see each other again, but I feel the need to give you a little warning. I know you’re young and having fun, but a few of the things you do make you seem a little desperate, and that might get you a bad reputation.

I met you last night at the hot tub in our apartment complex, and I’m pretty sure you don’t remember very much of what happened there. Your face was abnormally small and took up a much smaller percentage of your head than a normal person’s. And as much as that scared me, it wasn’t the worst thing about you.

My roommates and I were relaxing after the bar, drinking a few beers and having a enjoying a soak– and then you showed up. (more…)

The hot tub: thought by many to be the ultimate in places to have sex. It’s comfortable, relaxing, heated – it’s the aquatic equivalent of a vagina! So why should you not have sex in one?

According to studies by a (virgin) urologist, hot tub humping may not be very safe.

The old rumor of man becoming infertile after too many trips to the tub has been proven correct – but how long must you stay in the water? A week? If your testicles have been heated up to a rolling boil, yes – you should probably get out of the hot tub.

It’s also common knowledge that yes, you can get a girl pregnant in a hot tub. Wear a condom, Aquaman, and all of your troubles will be gone.

In other words, don’t let anybody – scientists, urologists, virgins, moms – deprive you of performing the ultimate. As a man it’s your god-given right to experience hot tub sex. (more…)