With The Twatlight Gaga: New Poon coming out this weekend, I can’t help but feel more than a little peeved at how much attention vampires are receiving. More specifically, it irks me to no end to see hordes and hordes upon hordes of women swoon, seizure, and pass out over the mere mention of a vampire. No matter what the flick or show, chicks be lovin’ dem bloodsuckers. Well, I say they’re c*cksuckers! The increase in popularity signals a decrease in machismo and respect for the male vampire. Now, let me COUNT the ways in which the vampire SUCKS:

Vampires completely contradict everything I’ve ever striven for. They don’t have money, they don’t workout, they act effeminate most of the time, they slink around and sneak up on you and act all depressed. If you did any of this in real life, you’d be picked up by the cops on charges of third degree loitering and second degree creepery. So, why do girls get all orgasm-y when a vampire swoops in through the window? Is it because they’re outcasts? If that’s the case, then why aren’t Cameron Frye and Crispin Glover swimming in vagina? (more…)

In his first independently produced zombie film in over two decades, George A. Romero returns to ground zero in the history of the living dead. When a group of film students making a horror movie in the woods discovers that the dead have begun to revive, they turn their cameras on the real-life horrors that suddenly confront them, creating a first person diary of their bloody encounters and the disintegration of everything they hold dear.

Told with Romero’s pitch-black humor and an unflinching eye on our post-Katrina world, GEORGE A. ROMERO’S DIARY OF THE DEAD marks the noted filmmaker’s return to his roots.

I’m not sure if film-festival favorite Teeth, a story of a girl practicing abstinence who happens to have a toothy, terrifying vagina, is a straight-up horror flick or a delicious exercise in dark satire. Whatever Teeth turns out to be, expect to hear a strong buzz about it leading up to its limited release in theaters (New York and L.A.) November 30.

Nobody likes it when girls use their teeth (except for masochists):

Have you ever wondered if Hollywood studios reuse the same scream effect over and over again? If you have, it’s with good reason.

The infamous death scream – “aaaaaaiiiyyeeeeaaaaaahhhh” – is called the Wilhelm Scream. The scream was actually a stock effect used in the 1951 film Distant Drums; it has been used in over 200 movies since, ranging from Star Wars to Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

But forget history: why read about the Wilhelm Scream when you can see and hear it in all its glory?

The Wilhelm Scream Compilation:

The ass-tastic Jessica Alba plays a vision-impaired violinist in The Eye who gets her vision back via a cornea transplant…only for her eyes to deceive her and show horrific instances from the prior eyeball-owner’s life! It’s a remake of a 2002 film made in Hong Kong titled Gin Gwai.

Yeah it sounds kinda lame (like her last flick) but she’s hot, and that’s good for something…right?

Check out The Eye trailer after the jump. (more…)

Jigsaw and his apprentice Amanda are dead.

Upon the news of Detective Kerry’s murder, two seasoned FBI profilers, Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson) and Agent Perez, arrive at the depleted police precinct and help veteran Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) sift through Jigsaw’s latest grizzly game of victims and piece together the puzzle. However, when SWAT Commander Rigg, the last officer untouched by Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), is suddenly abducted and thrust into the madman’s harrowing game, the officer has but ninety minutes to overcome a series of interconnected traps…or face the deadly consequences.

Just when you thought the maximum carnage of John Rambo upped the ante for violent trailers Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem comes along to give Sly Stallone’s slasher-flick a run for its money.

AVP: Requiem’s “red band” trailer (read: not suitable for viewers under the age of 17) has been unveiled to the masses, sporting more gore-per-minute than most recent horror films. The final minute of the trailer alone shows lacerated Aliens, a blonde chick plastered against a wall, impaled Predators, decapitated dudes and some brunette chick unloading a gun turret. Yeah, it’s totally awesome.

The unholy union of Aliens, Predators and unsuspecting humans is slated for release on Christmas Day this year. At last, the perfect film to see with the family directly after morning mass.

Details on the storyline have been scarce but rumor has it that AVP: Requiem has a very-special secret that will cause sci-fi dorks to lose their shit. Does Sigourney Weaver make a cameo? Do Terminators show up to this Royal Rumble? How about Popples – do they make an appearance? We shall see soon enough.

Check out the “Red Band” trailer for Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem and John Rambo after the jump…

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