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It’s summer time and most New Yorkers, like myself book it to the shore for the weekends. I personally head down to the Jersey shore as it’s in close proximity to NYC and because I haven’t reached baller status and simply can’t afford the lush Hamptons (Though if you have a house and would like to put me up, I can be reached at 212-479-7990. I’ll bring the booze).

Now before you start breaking out those dirty Jersey jokes hear me out. No, New Jersey isn’t covered with trash, no not everybody lives off the Garden State Parkway and no it isn’t the armpit of America. It’s a great state, with a lot going for it. I do have one major problem with my state though. Lately, it seems that wherever I seem to go, I’m confronted with an overwhelming amount of fist pumping Guido’s. I constantly find myself surrounded by ‘roided out men with fake tans, extra small Gucci and Armani t-shirts and blow-outs that make Andrew Dice Clay look cool. Wow, and don’t get me started with the fist pumping. For those that are unaware, a fist pumper is a Guido that by nature feels a sense of urgency and duty to move his fist up and down in the air, creating a continuous pumping motion. What I had originally had thought to be a trend it seems they never got the memo from ‘96 – that this trend went out of style faster than the collar pop. So like many, I’ve had to look for ways to avoid this rare, yet heavily populated breed. When going out, if you live by these 3 rules, you’ll be Guido free in no time.

Rule #1 – Listen to the Music

By nature, the Guido loves any and all dance music. This includes Guido hits by the likes of Cascada, Bob Sinclair, Paul Oakenfold, DJ Sammy and more – basically any song that has a consistent “oomph, oomph, oomph” beat is an instant Guido favorite. Avoid places that solely endorse this type of music. You can usually hear a club/bars music before you enter so take note and proceed accordingly.

Rule #2 – Do your Research

No, don’t fire up your computer and check out the bars official website. Chances are, this will paint a very vague and misleading picture. Ask around and find out the deal by word of mouth. As an extra precaution, feel out the line before entering. As a general rule of thumb, 1 out of 5 people in line with blow-outs marks that bar as a Guido Hot Spot. AVOID!

Rule #3 – Strategize

Choose bars over clubs. Places where the music is low-key and oomph free should be considered safe. Stick with places where Guido eateries are few and far between. They love their late-night slice of pepperoni blitz and may base the night around the convenience of such places. Also, always have a backup! It’s wild out there and sometimes you simply may run into a trap. Pick 1-2 additional to avoid such night killing mistakes.

While these steps can help the average partygoers from avoiding the Guido masses, bars and clubs are also joining the revolution to keep their bars fist pumpless. Here are some tactics bars and clubs have employed in NJ and some ideas for others to follow.

Offspray in Manasquan, NJ has a patented Guido filtration system- the first of its kind. Fist pumping Guidos are lured in by the heavy bass and dance beats. Right as they enter, they are confronted with a gaudy dance floor and a shot bar. Instantly, they find themselves in homeostasis and never leave. Little do they know, a huge room beyond the dance floor with live music and multiple bars exists. Most Guido’s, content to fist pump the night away will never discover this oasis while the normal folk party on into the night.

Bar A in Belmar, NJ offers up live music all night. Club records are played but not in succession, killing fist pumping momentum before it has a chance to get out of control. In addition, there are no mirrors in the bathroom. No mirrors? Enough said!

Additional Promotions/Rules Bar Owners Should Consider:

Hair Gel Free Nights: Offer promotions where anybody not wearing hair gel gets half off drinks, all night! Seem a little too harsh? Bars could also limit the amount of hair gel to about a dime’s worth. On average, Guido’s consume 36 ounces of hair gel a month or over an ounce a day!!!! Limiting gel use may not weed out the Guido’s entirely, but it will make for an uncomfortable experience. This feeling of sporting a subpar blowout will lead to insecurity which will lead to a reduction in the overall fist-pumpage and Guido activities.

Dress code Rules – For some reason, all Guidos dress alike and love to wear sneakers. Ban sneakers, hats and silver chains. In addition, t-Shirts should fit with ease. Any skin tight t-shirts should not be allowed. This could kill any chance of Guido infestation at a bar as their wardrobe probably doesn’t leave much room for adaptation.

It’s Saturday and I’m headed out for the night. I’ll have a follow-up to this article in a couple weeks but I want to hear your thoughts!

On Saturday we hit the town (“the town” being Bahama Mama’s in Hoboken, NJ) to pick up on some lingo (“lingo” being the incomprehensible language of North Jersey Guidos).

North Jersey is full of obnoxious Guidos (this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy, and this guy) that will use just about any ridiculous line to pick up a club slut. Seeing that we were smack dab in the middle of Douchebag Central, we found more Guidos spitting game to their orange-skinned counterparts than you could shake a hairspray can at.

After the jump you will see a collection of pick up lines North Jersey Guidos that were used out of desperation on the most romantic of nights. (more…)

Wow…just, wow. We knew this was bad because of their mating habits. But not this bad. I’m guessing they put human growth hormone into the Jersey water, and then they let them breed. And in this lucky clip, their women do battle. Yeah, it’s that awesome.

Wow…just, wow. We already knew guidos were a societal stain from their mating rituals, but we had no idea it could be this bad and widespread. It’s like they pump human growth hormone directly into the Jersey water supply, and then let them breed. In this one, you get to see their women fight. It’s so good bad, it almost brings you to tears…

This Valentine’s Day, forget about the one you love and remember the one you loathe. Thanks to mailadouche.com, reaching out to that obnoxious a**hole in your life just got a heckuva whole lot easier…and a helluva lot more fun!

Yes, that’s right: for the price of just two $4.00 coffee drinks (Starbuck$ LOLZ), you can show your favorite D-bag just how much of a douche bag he really is with his very own… douche bag.

Yes, that’s right: a douche bag. A douche bag for a douchebag.

Some restrictions may apply:

While mailadouche.com cannot let you write a personal note to the recipient – legal red tape, I suppose – they can package a letter with the delivered douche bearing his (or her!) name.

People I hate: Guitar-toting hippies, dumb jocks, hipsters, creepy old guys, private-school “wear a suit to business class” guys and worst enemy numero uno – Guidos.

It’s well known by now that Guidos are some of the most douchey people you can find on a college campus. The sad fact is that most of them can pull some seriously hot tail.

Hot chicks with douche bags! For 90% of us the unfortunate obsession women have for meat-heads will go down as one of the biggest tragedies of our college years.

I am really clueless as to how it happens – but it does. Here are the pictures to prove it.

Galleries after the jump! (more…)

Here at COED we have an infatuation with hating on guidos. Lets call it our trademark. As long as being a guido is trendy then we will be here to rip on them.

The latest in hilarious guido media is the “My New Haircut” video blowing up on YouTube. It’s a must see that will have you quoting, “Jagerbombs,” “f***ing skanks,” and “not now chief… I’m in the f***ing zone” for weeks!

Check out the madness after the jump!… (more…)

Read about “Stevie C” after the jump! (more…)

Urban Dictionary definition of a “Guido”: An Italian American man usually residing in New York or New Jersey. He wears shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned 5 buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining, he spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to “hit the clubs” long into his mid to late 30’s. Often attracted to the female version of himself, the guidette.

Go down the Jersey Shore and in every direction you will see “Guidos” sexually harassing everything that moves. For those of you living in East Bumble-f*uck, PA who don’t know what a “Guido” looks like I’ve included a photo below that breaks down the style of your average NJ Guido.

(Click to see full blown image) Image from photobucket user: chuckhenning