Most people are not criminals. Sure, everybody breaks a law or two, here and there. But for the most part, we’re all a pretty law-abiding bunch. So when you’re not breaking the law, being treated like you are should piss you off. Here are the five most common ways people are treated like criminals, even when they’re not doing anything wrong whatsoever. (more…)

As the days of “fear” and “terror” being the only sellable news stories increase, we have all heard stories of people named “Johnson” and “Smith” at the top of the terrorist watch list. No matter how many 60 Minutes specials or Dateline exclusives, I can’t help but wonder how in the hell it happens.

The obvious reasons are that some “terrorists” have created false identities that just happen to be the same as ordinary citizens. It makes sense to me and, after all, what rational and reasonable government agent would put an innocent person on the most debilitating international list since Schindler’s?

In reality, this simple list of the potential troublemakers was designed to be a secret intel tool for investigation purposes. Unfortunately, it has morphed into a symbol of governmental inefficiency. Because people are inherently lazy, in leiu of doing any kind of elementary investigation, circumstantial evidence has become the norm for placement on this list.

Accordingly, there are several ways that an average joe can find himself on this list without even knowing it. That is, until they decide to buy a car, get on a plane, go to the grocery store or get a credit card (to start with).

1. Search at Your Own Risk

Compliments of the Patriot Act, several government agencies have the ability to track your internet search habits. Being that there are so many searches performed an hour, these agencies log keywords and look for combinations that they think are tied to you being a “terrorist.” For example, at risk search terms include “Anarchists Cookbook,” “bomb making,” “airport security,” and  “homemade plastic.” The days of Googling keywords out of inane curiosity are over.

Be careful what you search, how often you search it, and the combination of terms that you are searching. I think common sense will prevail, in that, if you THINK you shouldn’t be searching for something – it’s not worth it.

2. Last Minute Flights

If you are a frequent traveler, you are better traveling in patterns. Meaning, if you travel a lot to San Fran for work or a girlfriend, you are set. Last minute flights, however, are a sure-fire red flag. You can look forward to getting the dreaded “SSSS” on your boarding pass, which every now and then, is nothing but a hindrance that will delay your sitting in the terminal for an hour while your flight is delayed anyway.

It is important to note, patterns being what they are, after 12 – 15 instances you are officially red-flagged as a potential threat. At this point, you are dancing a fine line and should start planning your trips a little farther ahead of time because you will get a special security search tag every time you travel.

3. Don’t get Cute with names!

People are into have multiple name, like Ann Marie Madison Smith and other cute WASP-y sounding names. Unfortunately having multiple names is not a traditionally “American” tradition, at least that is what the government thinks. It would appear that terrorists like Abdul Mohammad Ishmael Zacowie have ruined it for the rest of us.

Having 2 first names or even worse, 2 first names and a middle as part of your “proper” name, increases your risk by a double digit percentage. The TWL system looks for multiple names and automatically raises a flag. Being cute-sy is not worth not it! Embrace being boring!

4. Email is not secure, don’t be a smartass!

To think that you are too unimportant for someone to scan you email might have been true 10 years ago. Alas, those days are gone. Many smartasses, especially around Spring Break time, think it will be unique to email friends with messages like, “If the F*&KING plane gets delayed like last year, just yell BOMB or FIRE so we can all get off and drink…”

Of course, on the level, any idiot with common sense will see it as frat banter. Unfortunately, the people overseeing are above average idiots and all they see on their screen is PLANE, BOMB, DELAYED, FIRE. Yeeeaaahhh…not pretty.

Aah vacationing! Traveling to exotic lands, seeing stuff, meeting locals. Just plain “getting away from it all”. But there’s one drawback. Vacationing can be expensive. This is not practical to those who are broke. Then what?!

Or maybe some of you suffer from agoraphobia (fear of the marketplace), and are unable to leave your home. What then?!! Not to mention the fear of flying and of course all those billions and billions of germs. Then what, then??!!

This is why I suggest vacationing in your very own city. Yes, be a complete tourist in the very place you spend your everyday life. All you need to do is look at your community with a fresh new perspective Here’s what you do:

STEP ONE: Change your apartment into a low budget European hotel.

You might think your apartment’s a dump. But, with a little work, it can have all the standards of a low-budget, foreign hotel. For starters, place a week’s worth of clothes in a suitcase, and select only from these outfits. Then, use only the cold water shower knob, enabling you to pretend that all the hot water is used up. Just like in Europe!

Replace your soap with really tiny, little soap. Make your bed and put a large, strange hair on the sheets. Place a small piece of candy on your pillow when you’re done. Pretend your creepy roommate is the shady hotel caretaker, who must avoid at all costs, or else they’ll rap you up in some inane conversation about nothing. Before going out, rummage through your belongs, giving the impression that the housekeeping staff has been searching your stuff. Set a list of standards, then rate your apartment on 1-4 star system. Have a guest book, where you can comment on your stay at your apartment.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP TWO: Act like a complete moron.

Go up to complete strangers on the street and ask them for directions to the largest tourist attractions in your town. For example, in San Francisco, I’d ask; “Where can I find the Cable Cars?” whilst standing about 20 feet away from a Cable Car. Also, carry a large map, open it, and start reading in the middle of crosswalks, whilst holding up traffic. Or better yet, on sidewalks, standing directly in the path of local pedestrians.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP THREE: Pay too much for things.

Buy a T-shirt and hat adorning your city’s name. Then walk around town with a broad smile. Get excited when seeing people in matching shirts and ask them where they’re from.

Then, sojourn to the most densely populated tourist center. Then proceed to buy something that cost four times it would normally else where.

Example:

BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Mission District, San Francisco……………………$00.50-$1.00
BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Fisherman’s Wharf……………………………………….$4.00

Also, have a caricature drawn of yourself, then lose it later on in the day.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP FOUR: Take daft photos.

Take a lot of photos of everyday things, such as; fire hydrants, Pepsi machines and buses. In a few pictures, place your finger partially in front of the lens. Have your picture taken with taxi drivers, restaurant workers, and people who work at museums. To the daily inhabitant, these cultural artifacts might seem mundane. But to you, the vacationer, they will be seen with rejuvenated enthusiasm. Ask a complete stranger to click your snapshot. Accidentally lose one of your roles of film. Send yourself a postcard, describing what you’ve seen. End the postcard by saying, “having fun. Wish you were here!”

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

STEP FIVE: Get lost!

Get on a form of public transportation, but set out in the opposite direction of the place you intend to visit. Once at the opposite end of town, get out and ask people where you can find the intended tourist attraction. Have them explain the correct route four times or more.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE ON VACATION!

Students Can Now Fly To College On The Cheap

Higher airfares have raised the cost of higher education, from trips home for college students at Thanksgiving to study-abroad semesters. But two little-known companies that negotiate big discounts with airlines can save hundreds of dollars for students and their ticket-buying parents.

Even though airlines have piled on fees and eliminated most special discounts like senior-citizen fares and half-price tickets for young children, one vestige of airline goodwill remains. Several air carriers still offer special deals for students — and teachers as well. [WSJ]

Graduation Rates Amongst College Football, Basketball Athletes Up

Graduation rates for college athletes improved one percentage point to 79% over the past year, according to the NCAA’s Graduation Success Rates (GSR) released Tuesday.

That’s the highest rate since the organization began keeping GSR statistics seven years ago. Current statistics measured the graduation rates of freshmen who entered college in 2001. [Freep]

The Gentleman’s Guide To Getting Laid In College

Okay boys: school is in session. Welcome to college, where you can be anyone, and do anyone. That’s right – it’s time for all those crazy hi-jinks that years of Hollywood frat comedies have prepared you for: having sex.

Contrary to popular belief, most college sex is regrettable and/or decent at best. That is, of course, unless you take active measure to improve over time. [Guide Spot]

Following R. Kelly’s lead, these people believe they can fly – and they succeed (somewhat)! Not impressed yet? Check out this video – 100% pure adrenaline right there!

The ladies at College Candy list gifts to get for guys.

Wait for the blogosphere to blow up later tonight when the reunited Led Zeppelin performs live to a sold-out crowd in London.

Not-news site Fark.com wants to trademark NSFW…WTF?

Big city film critics honor the best movies of 2007.

Another week, another new batch of Dark Knight pictures and info.