If you’re like me, Christmas sneaks up on you like a ninja. And when Christmas day comes along, you’re stuck looking like the family asshole. So to get out of the dog house this year, here are nine fool-proof excuses for not having any gifts from you under the tree.

Meet Steve, our beloved COED editor who was extremely late for work today. His frantic excuse for why he’d woken up long after the workday had already begun involved some drunken combination of an off-Broadway play, about four bars, an after party and a few steps that are still yet to be remembered – one of which resulted in him finding a card in his pocket from “Fat Annie’s Truck Stop,” with his own phone number written on it, when he finally arrived at the office.