As the days of “fear” and “terror” being the only sellable news stories increase, we have all heard stories of people named “Johnson” and “Smith” at the top of the terrorist watch list. No matter how many 60 Minutes specials or Dateline exclusives, I can’t help but wonder how in the hell it happens.

The obvious reasons are that some “terrorists” have created false identities that just happen to be the same as ordinary citizens. It makes sense to me and, after all, what rational and reasonable government agent would put an innocent person on the most debilitating international list since Schindler’s?

In reality, this simple list of the potential troublemakers was designed to be a secret intel tool for investigation purposes. Unfortunately, it has morphed into a symbol of governmental inefficiency. Because people are inherently lazy, in leiu of doing any kind of elementary investigation, circumstantial evidence has become the norm for placement on this list.

Accordingly, there are several ways that an average joe can find himself on this list without even knowing it. That is, until they decide to buy a car, get on a plane, go to the grocery store or get a credit card (to start with).

1. Search at Your Own Risk

Compliments of the Patriot Act, several government agencies have the ability to track your internet search habits. Being that there are so many searches performed an hour, these agencies log keywords and look for combinations that they think are tied to you being a “terrorist.” For example, at risk search terms include “Anarchists Cookbook,” “bomb making,” “airport security,” and  “homemade plastic.” The days of Googling keywords out of inane curiosity are over.

Be careful what you search, how often you search it, and the combination of terms that you are searching. I think common sense will prevail, in that, if you THINK you shouldn’t be searching for something – it’s not worth it.

2. Last Minute Flights

If you are a frequent traveler, you are better traveling in patterns. Meaning, if you travel a lot to San Fran for work or a girlfriend, you are set. Last minute flights, however, are a sure-fire red flag. You can look forward to getting the dreaded “SSSS” on your boarding pass, which every now and then, is nothing but a hindrance that will delay your sitting in the terminal for an hour while your flight is delayed anyway.

It is important to note, patterns being what they are, after 12 – 15 instances you are officially red-flagged as a potential threat. At this point, you are dancing a fine line and should start planning your trips a little farther ahead of time because you will get a special security search tag every time you travel.

3. Don’t get Cute with names!

People are into have multiple name, like Ann Marie Madison Smith and other cute WASP-y sounding names. Unfortunately having multiple names is not a traditionally “American” tradition, at least that is what the government thinks. It would appear that terrorists like Abdul Mohammad Ishmael Zacowie have ruined it for the rest of us.

Having 2 first names or even worse, 2 first names and a middle as part of your “proper” name, increases your risk by a double digit percentage. The TWL system looks for multiple names and automatically raises a flag. Being cute-sy is not worth not it! Embrace being boring!

4. Email is not secure, don’t be a smartass!

To think that you are too unimportant for someone to scan you email might have been true 10 years ago. Alas, those days are gone. Many smartasses, especially around Spring Break time, think it will be unique to email friends with messages like, “If the F*&KING plane gets delayed like last year, just yell BOMB or FIRE so we can all get off and drink…”

Of course, on the level, any idiot with common sense will see it as frat banter. Unfortunately, the people overseeing are above average idiots and all they see on their screen is PLANE, BOMB, DELAYED, FIRE. Yeeeaaahhh…not pretty.

Getting ready to throw yourself back into that world of dorming? And do you care about the environment? Well, good luck. Being green, in some dorms, is pretty freakin’ hard. Recycling bins are nowhere to be found, resources are being wasted left and right and most of the kids around you don’t care.

That doesn’t mean you have to throw in the non-recyclable towel. There are so many things you can do to reduce your carbon footprint and give back to Mother Earth. Here are some tips to help the planet and inspire your peers to do the same:

1. Skip the single serving snack-packs. Get a big bag and make your own single-serving portion in a small plastic bag when you’re on the go. Wash the bag out when you’re done and do it again the next time. It’s that easy.

2. Chill out with the AC. Tons of college students keep their AC’s running just because they can. That’s not cool! (Note: yes, the pun was intended.) Don’t act like a monkey when it comes to the environment. Leaving your AC running while you’re out hurts the planet regardless of whether or not you’re paying the bill. (more…)

In a fit of fear inspired by terrorism and Internet crime, former privacy-is-sacred country Sweden has decided to change their laws regarding digital privacy. This week, a law will be voted on that would give Swedish government and police forces the ability to fully monitor phone, email, and Internet traffic going into and out of the country.

Additionally, because Sweden is used to routing data to its European neighbors, it would give those Agencies access to the data headed to nearby countries. That means you. (more…)

Congratulations! You have an STD! (Nope. That’s not funny at all.)

What better way to celebrate the most unfortunate of problems than by sending an STD E-Card to your past girlfriends and/or flings commemorating the event?

inSPOT, the website responsible for the STD E-Cards, seem to be pitching them as an alternative method for introverted, emo kids who would rather not go through the trouble of actually talking to their past hookups face to face. Oopsy Daisy indeed.

If this “trend” catches on, it just proves how severely f***ed up our generation is.

As for me, I have hope for our generation: with the right spin, expect these STD E-Cards to be sent to every Tom, Dick and Jane with an email address. We are sick, cynical bastards who take nothing seriously, just like our parents always tell us. Congrats to us!

Until there’s a better way to relay the bad news to your ex-flames (outside of telling them in person or over the phone or by email or any other way more respectable than a f**king E-Card), I guess they will have to do, right? These digital disease warnings are a healthy reminder on why girls shouldn’t hook up with you in the first place, you selfish, shamless, careless piece of sh*t.

Way to start 2008 off with a bang, Vivica!

It’s being reported confirmed that the still-very-hot Vivica Fox has a sex tape floating around the web – I’ll keep my eye out for it, I know – and she isn’t too happy about it.

The story goes a bit like this: Fox was drunk and getting frisky with some random dude in Atlanta. She proceeded to give the fellow a blo…well, she stimulated him orally. Acting like any anybody lucky enough to be orally serviced by Fox, the guy taped everything going down – on his cell phone.

After the deed was done he emailed the video to his friends, who emailed it to Fox, who contacted the Atlanta police department, and so on.

Fox wants the scandal to be handled privately. That request must’ve not fared well, considering that we’re talking about it (and awaiting a link to the tape).

All Fox rhymes with ***** jokes may start now.

The New York Post reported that Philly’s fiesty, Emmy Award-winning anchorwoman Alycia Lane was arrested after calling a female cop a “dyke b*tch” then punching her in the face. Sexy anchorwoman meltdowns are so hot right now.

Lane, 35, was riding around with her boy-toy Chris Booker (also a media personality in Philly; he’s a DJ at Q102) when a slow-moving car in front of them (full of cops, natch) got on the couple’s nerves. Once the officers pulled over their cab and confronted the two rabblerousers Lane decided it would be a great idea to start snapping pictures of the incident as it unfolded.

Attitudes where shown, spots were blown, punches were thrown – pretty gangsta to say the least. Lane’s exact quote is as follows: “I don’t care that you’re a cop – dyke b*tch!”

All of this from an Emmy Award-winning anchorwoman. (more…)

Blind dates can be scary. They can also be fun. The scary / fun part depends on your idea of a good time and your date’s idea of normal.

Most of us go on blind dates pretty confident we’re not about to meet our soulmate, but always hope there’s enough of a connection to make dressing up to impress worth it. Blind dates are our way of doing something fun and spontaneous, something slightly nerve wracking but full of possibilities, a reason to get out of the house or apartment and have a drink made by somebody else.

The only thing is, if you’re not big into internet profiles and don’t have a lot of friends trying to go all “Matchmaker’ on you, blind dates don’t actually happen that often.

That is, unless you sign up for Crazy Blind Date. (more…)

When Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for President earlier this week it generated a wave of excitement. However, there’s one problem with Stephen; he’s not enough of a scumbag to be a politician. America needs someone who doesn’t care.

We need someone who speaks to the common man. We need someone who instead of using prepared statements by focus group, tells it like it is. That is why I nominate everyone’s favorite self proclaimed, meaty-breasted zilch, Jim Norton for President of the United States. (more…)