If you’re like me, Christmas sneaks up on you like a ninja. Most of the time, you’re able to escape its stealthy wrath by running around town on Christmas Eve, furiously buying gift cards and aromatherapy bath gels. But some years, there’s just not enough time (or personal responsibility) to finish (or start) your gift-buying. And when Christmas day comes along, you’re stuck looking like the family asshole. So to get out of the dog house this year, here are nine fool-proof excuses for not having any gifts from you under the tree.

1. Blame It on the Stock Market: Sure, it might not technically make sense. But since most people don’t really understand the stock market in the first place, just spew some nonsense about derivatives and bear markets and that “son-of-a-bitch Paulson,” and you should be good.

2. Feign Terminal Illness: This might ruin Christmas in it’s own way, but at least you won’t look like the lazy, forgetful asshole. And you’ll probably get some sweeter presents next year…

3. Busy Fighting the War on Christmas: Who cares if the “War on Christmas” isn’t a real war? You have Jesus on your side – and nobody can argue with Jesus…

4. Dog Ate Them: Works every time.

5. Became a Communist: If you don’t believe in personal possession or religion, how can you be expected to participate in a holiday based entirely on both?

6. Mumble Something About Complications in the Space-Time Continuum: This one might require going on a jargon-filled tirade about portals and “that rat bastard Father Time,” but you’ll either confuse everyone enough to not question your asshole-ishness any further, or they’ll just think you’ve completely lost your mind. Either way, you win!

7. Gave Everyone’s Presents Away to an Orphanage: Instead of looking like a complete d*ckwad, you look like a saint. Problem is, lying about such things will probably seal your seat in hell. But that’s not till later, so screw it.

8. It’s George Bush’s Fault: Everything’s already George Bush’s fault, so adding one more item to the list isn’t a stretch for anyone’s imagination.

9. You’re Broke: It works because it’s probably true. Just make sure to not show everyone your iPhone, or it’s all over.

(Image: about.com)

I suppose this is what happens when you have a helluva lot of extra time on your hands, a macro camera lens and a strange predisposition for giving sexual context to defenseless Christmas decorations. Whatever the case, we here at COED find Christmas to be pretty damn sexy and can’t think of any reason why Christmas ornaments should be excluded from enjoying some sexy-time festivities…  except for maybe the bear with the Rudolf nose.  But then again, who are we to judge? (pics from Frosted_Peppercorn on Flickr)

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Once you’re an adult, Christmas pretty much just becomes a time to give kids a bunch of crap they probably don’t need. So once you’re done thoroughly spoiling them this holiday season, it’s time to teach the little buggers a lesson.  Now, hurting a kid is not as easy as you might think. Much like blinding a puppy, it takes a bit of planning and preparation.

THINGS NEEDED:
-A kid
-A sharp stick
-A book on psychological torture
-A comfortable chair
-An array of delicious snacks and cakes

METHOD ONE: The Sharp Stick To The Eye

Take a fair amount of time picking the kid which you want to hurt. They could be fat or thin, tall or short. Once selected, Place them in a chair. Take a sharpened stick and proceed to jam it in their eye. Repeat if necessary.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD TWO: Psychological Damage

Pick a new kid this time. If you don’t know many kids, call a friend or neighbor to assist you. Place the kid in a chair. No matter what they try to do, call them “stupid”. Do this until they bust into tears. Then do it some more. Repeat the process if necessary. In preparation, practice on a doll.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD THREE: Piano Drop

This time, use the same kid you poked in the eye with a sharp stick. Take this kid outdoors and make the kid stand on a spray-painted X on the ground, next to the side of a cliff. Tell the kid not to move, or else you’ll jam another stick in their eye. On top of the cliff, already waiting for you is a piano. Push the piano over the edge and on to the kid below. If you don’t have a piano, you might want to try a large anvil.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD FOUR: Pet Torture

This might be a bit tricky; find a kid you has a pet they simply adore. Take the kid and place them in a chair. At the other end of the room, you should have the kid’s adored pet. Take the pet, along with the sharp stick from Method One, and jam the stick in the pet’s eye. Here’s the twist; by hurting the pet, you in turn, will also hurt the kid!

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

METHOD FIVE: Explosives

If the kid from Methods One and Three, has happened to survive the stick in the eye and being crushed by a piano, here’s another sure fire way to hurt them; explosives. Take the kid. Place them in a chair. Light a stick of dynamite. Leave the room. Wait for the dynamite to explode. Reenter the room. Laugh.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE HURT A KID!

There are an unlimited amount of ways to hurt kids, other than the methods suggested. We suggest you use the previous as a jumping off point. Good luck hurting kids!

(Image source: minimasters.ca)

Sundown yesterday started the Jewish celebration that is often mispronounced by the majority of society. It is called, “Hanukkah.” During the holiday season all we Jewish people hear about is CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! The only way we know that it’s Hanukkah is by a patronizing aside given at the end of a newscast that says:

“That’s our Channel 4 news for tonight. And for our little Jewish friends…..Happy Chanukah…..or Hanukah…or……….Hanukey………or whatever the f*ck you call it………. all we know is that you killed little baby Jesus……….go light your damn candles you sons-of-bitches!”

Even NBA stars such as Shazam star Shaquille O’neal are now fulfilling contractual obligations to wish fans a Happy Hanukkah, despite their complete lack of knowledge that it’s a holiday:

Harmon Leon is the author of The American Dream. Buy that sh*t, bitches!

Starting this coming Wednesday, and lasting until, say, next Wednesday, your chances of getting laid are dramatically increased. A new study has shown that this week long period, otherwise known as “the holidays”, is about more than just giving gifts — it’s also about having sex, and lots of it.

More condoms are sold, more babies are conceived and more virginities are lost during the coming week than at any other time of year. Joy to the World!

To some of you, this isn’t a big deal. You get laid all the time, and the uninhibited, random sex that you reliably stumble into every New Year’s Eve isn’t much different than the uninhibited, random sex you had last Tuesday. Congratulations, you are awesome. But! If you’ve spent the duration of 2008 sexless, stop making excuses and start taking notes. The reproductive season is in full swing, and you’ve got one week left to turn it around make this a year to remember.

Christmas is almost here, and that means there’s been days and days for Websites to put together some of the sexiest Christmas content of all time. But instead of making you spend precious present-buying hours searching around the Internet for all the hottest holiday cheer, we thought we’d make things simple and just put them together all in one place. So now that we’ve been nice, Santa, we’d like that hoverboard now.

WWE Divas’ Sexy Christmas Pictures

The wicked and wonderful WWE Divas have put together yet another festive photo shoot with some sexy Christmas get-ups, and Hollywoodtuna.com has the goods. From a hot-ass elf to…uh…an almost naked snow leprechaun(?), these hard-hitting hotties will have you wishing for more.

Sexy Celebrity Santas!

What’s red, white and smokin’ hot all over? Sexy Celebrity Santas, of course! Turns our CityRag was inspired by our Sexy Ho Ho Hos gallery enough to put together a hot holiday post of their own. And we have to say, it was a good idea. But then again, anything that involves Adriana Lima in some skimpy red underwear is always a good idea.

Drunk XXXmas Party Girls

‘Tis the season of giving…and, apparently, getting drunk and half-naked! I mean, if you think about it, all the pressure to get the right gifts, not blow all your cash and deal with your annoying parents can make a person a little uptight. And nothing cures uptight like downing a bottle of spiced rum and stripping down to your pink skivvies with all your super-sexy friends. At least according to these festive hotties. And something tells us we should trust them…

The 20 Hottest Photos of Cheerleaders and Dancers Wearing Santa Outfits

We here at COED love cheerleaders. And it seems as though cheerleaders love to dress up in sexy Santa outfits and dance around. And you know what happens after they do that? Manofest.com puts together a kick ass list of all the sexiest cheerleader Santa moments on the Web. Duh.

Happy Hottie Holidays from Olivia Munn

G4 Attack of the Show host/Nerd Queen Oliva Munn just dropped an erotic bomb on the Internet, posting seven ridiculously sexy bikini “holiday cards” to her blog HeyOlivia.com. Those of you with a bikini girl wearing reindeer antlers fetish will thoroughly enjoy!

Sexy Santa Ho Ho Hos

Sometimes you’ve got to set aside the gift-buying and decorating for a minute to enjoy the finer, simpler things in life – like hot chicks dressed in sexy Santa costumes. Really, there’s not that much more to it than that. So grab a tall glass of eggnog, sit back and enjoy Sexy Santa Ho Ho Hos!

Victorias Secret Fashion Show 2005

Victoria’s Secret fashion shows are by far the sexiest runway experience anywhere. So when they put together a Christmas-themed fashion show in 2005, it was no surprise that it rocked the holidays harder than Uncle Nick passing out at the top of the stairs. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. Mr Snuggles, on the other hand, will be missed…

Santa Baby: The Pole Dances

There’s just something about the holiday season that makes women want to be naughty as hell. And luckily for us, that usually comes out in the form of dressing like a slutty elf and video taping a stripper pole show to put on YouTube. Which makes us wonder if maybe we should just have the holiday season all year long. We think yes!

SI’s Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

If you like Manofest’s list of Santa cheerleaders, you’re going to love Sports Illustrated’s Dallas Cowboy Holiday Cheerleaders. These ladies are truly extraordinary. I mean, who else do you know of that purposefully stands in front of tens of thousands of people, wearing nothing but a furry red cut-off top, booty shorts and cowboy boots? I mean really, name one…

The 10 Hottest Actresses in Holiday Movies

Holiday movies are usually pretty lame, like South Jersey- lame, but that doesn’t mean they’re not filled with super-sexy chicks ready to spread the Christmas cheer. Luckily for you, The World of Issac has narrowed it down to “The 10 Hottest” – and that means it’s all good…

Top 20 Sports Related Arrests Of 2008

Things I Don’t Need For Christmas

Heidi Klum’s Sexy GQ Magazine Pictures

Megan Fox At Spike TV’s 2008 Video Game Awards

Number of F**ks in Deadwood

Miley Cyrus’s 1st Photoshoot Is Damn Creepy

Roller Blading Is Bad For Your Face

Some YouTubers Are Making Six Figures Off Videos

“Guitar Hero: Metallica” Confirmed By Band

Photo Proof That The University of Houston Cheerleaders Rock

Nicola McLean Might Be The Perfect Bikini Model

Man Throws Two Shoes at Bush in Iraq

Amy Poehler Says Goodbye to SNL

The holiday season is up ahead and if your like us, so are many nights of boozing it up with the friends and family.  Sure it my be hard on the liver, but what better way to deal with that creepy Uncle and those nagging parents than with a little extra nog in your eggnog?  There isn’t one.

But as necessary as alcohol may be for maintaining holiday sanity, have you ever wondered how much effect drinking has on your holiday waistline? Well wonder no more.  The folks at BBC Radio 1 have put together an awesome new website that does just that.  Be ready to be horrified.  Be ready to be amazed.  Oh, and be ready to wonder WTF a Jaffa Cake is.

Check Out The Alcohol Experiment Here.

‘Tis the season of giving…and, apparently, getting drunk and half-naked! I mean, if you think about it, all the pressure to get the right gifts, not blow all your cash and deal with your annoying parents can make a person a little uptight. And nothing cures uptight like downing a bottle of spiced rum and stripping down to your pink skivvies with all your super-sexy friends. At least according to these festive hotties. And something tells us we should trust them…

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Check out 10 more Drunk XXXmas Party Girl pictures on COED’s Facebook Group

If there’s one type of person that needs to be shipped off to the Negative Zone, it’s people who dress their dogs up in retarded outfits for the holidays (or ever, really). Not only do they choose the dumbest looking nonsense to strap onto their animal, they think the dog F’ing likes it!

So let us clear something up – he doesn’t f**king like it! He’s a dog. Dogs enjoy things like eating sh*t off the sidewalk and sniffing other dog’s balls, not being dressed to look like a goddamn elf! But since these douchebags aren’t going anywhere, at least we can laugh at their animal’s misery. (Just kidding – dinner at Rimjobs is on us.)

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