Facing 14 charges of child pornography and 15 years in prison, R Kelly broke down and cried today at the announcement that the jury found him not guilty, on all counts.

The charges were originally brought against him after video surfaced of someone looking suspiciously like the Grammy award-winning singer and producer taking a wiz on a 15-year-old girl. The video was shown as evidence during the trial. But apparently it didn’t look enough like Kelly to the jury to put him behind bars.

I’m not sure if he’s the most innocent man in the world, but he’s certainly one of the luckiest. All he’s got to worry about is pumping out another hit–and not pissing on any more children.  [AFP]

Tom Hanks, 51, has a real down-to-earth, normal MySpace page, complete with tell-all blogs and video. And get this: he pimped out his profile all by himself! You know something’s wrong with the world when Tom Hanks is the second most-famous “Tom” on MySpace.

To safeguard yourself from knocking-up your girl turn to the Lady Comp, a device that detects if a girl is ovulating or not. It looks like an alarm clock. The future is now.

Some teachers teach, some have sexual relations with their students; others blow the f*** up on their students at the drop of a dime.

These analogies are surreal, like a Keebler elf skiing down a citrus mountain.

When an adolescent game of “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” is documented on a cell phone, child-on-child pornography happens.

Give the SNL actor/drummer some!

When your country is down and out the always-reliable “hot babes in bikinis” route works wonders.