It’s Wednesday afternoon, and I feel like climbing back into bed, pulling up the covers and sleeping for as long as life will let me. But I can’t. Like most of you, I’m at work, sitting in front a computer, clicking away the hours, with heavy eyes and a case of mild irritability. So to beat away this everyday fatigue, I’ve decided to try 5-hour Energy for the first time.

To add some context: I rarely drink soda and only occasionally drink coffee or energy drinks – the caffeine is often too much for me to handle, sending my heart racing, which in turn makes me feel like my life is falling apart for no reason. Now, as I peel off the red protective plastic, I’m hoping that won’t happen. From what I’ve heard it’s everything from completely useless to the perfect pick-me-up. We shall see…

2:45 PM: Opening the tiny “lemon-lime” flavored liquid. The damn thing was expensive – should be called “5-dollar Energy”…

2:45 PM: It tastes like a weird combination of artificial sweetener and the smell of Resolve carpet cleaner – oh right, I mean “lemon-lime”.

2:46 PM: The label is telling me to “drink one half (1/2) bottle for moderate energy” or “one whole bottle for maximum energy.” I’m worried about feeling like a freak with too much caffeine, but who wants “moderate energy”? F**k it, I’m downing the whole thing.

2:47 PM: Done. Supposedly I’ll “Feel it in minutes.” The timer starts now.

2:51 PM: This is funny.

2:53 PM: Hmmmm, I think I am actually feeling a bit peppier. My head feels a little less like it’s jam-packed with cotton, but my eyes are still wanting to close more than normal.

3:03 PM: To be honest, I’m not really used to paying this much attention to my body. Usually it’s just, “Am I awake? Yes. Am I drunk? A little. Ok, cool.” Doing this makes me feel like a vegan or some other such nonsense… (more…)