To celebrate Hump Day, we’ve put together this XXX-mas gift guide intended for mature audiences only. The following is designed to help guide you or your lover in choosing the best sex toys and accessories on the market today. With so many websites and products to chose from, it’s all too easy to get lost and confused. Luckily for you sexual trailblazers, I’ve personally done all the hard work so you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter if she’s been naughty or nice, if you want to stuff more than her stocking this holiday season then I suggest you start taking notes and pay attention!

Why do we love boobs so much? And for the ass men out there, what is so compelling about a tight, well formed, luscious, perfect glutemus maximus? And thirdly, who cares as long as we get a good piece of each? Good, poignant, thought provoking queries.

From Adam & Eve to Samuel L. Jackson, humans and snakes have had a contentious relationship. But throw on on a half-naked chick, and it changes everything. Instead of being creepy, haunting creatures feared by all, they’re a hot accessory that make the chick seem dangerous and extra sexy. Not that we want our girlfriends carrying around 9-foot pythons or anything. Wait, yes we do…