September 11, 2009 is going to be a memorable day for New York City and one of it’s most well know residents, Jay-Z.

To commemorate the 8th anniversary of the 2001 World Trade Center attacks, Fuse is putting together a little fund raising concert at MSG featuring Jay-Z himself. (more…)

For some dumbass reason, yesterday somebody thought it would be a great idea to fly a 747 really, really low over New York City (while it was being followed by a fighter jet), without letting everybody know in advance that it was actually a photo-op for the President’s Air Force One. Needless to say, everyone freaked the hell out.

Now that the President has shown everyone in the world what $8 Billion worth of military and interrogation research can yield, it is time we ponder where the money was best spent. Yeah, yeah, yeah – waterboarding seems to  get top billing, but if the 9/11 mastermind can withstand over 200 sessions, the alternates should really get a chance in the limelight.

The goal of these ‘interrogation techniques’ is, after all, to establish a ‘baseline,’ a state in which the detainee has accepted that they have absolutely no control over basic human needs – similar to living in West Virginia or being a fat stripper. The three basic techniques are: nudity, sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation, but when combined with other particular activities, our friends at the CIA have found some of the most valuable combinations for interrogation.

1. “Dick in a Box” – (CIA terms: Hyper-spatial Excrement-induced Dehydration)

Once sleep deprivation has hit the 180-hour limit, and Richard Q. Terrorist is still not talkative – you put Dick in a box. A box large enough to support the “seated fetal position.” Now insert said terrorist with nothing on but a diaper…yes…a diaper. When he/she are hungry, they will find a little tube inserted at the top of box where liquid nourishment is provided. This liquid has all of the yummy nutrients any growing jihadist needs, except in most cases one extra ingredient is added – a diarrhetic. Ah yes, we all like the scent of our brand, but after 180 hours of uncontrollable spewing of liquid pooping in a poorly ventilated box – I imagine I might be willing to talk about almost anything.

2. “Say Hello to my Little Friend” – (CIA terms – Hyper-spatial Phobia-induced Shock)

The box seemed like a lot of fun – so let’s see how we can expand upon that. After much evaluation, we can find some things that terrify our friend Richard. Most common things, according to the CIA, are rodents, bugs and snakes. I always thought circus clowns should have been on that list as well, but I guess the logistics of sticking a naked, diapered, clown in the box with you teeters on every violation imaginable. Anyway, the other three seemed to work well enough for them. The protocol is forcing the detainee to observe the feared animal/insect from a distance, but no more than 6 feet away. The observed threat should preferably be of a poisonous nature: bees, a rattlesnake, a large hungry rat. After about 48 hours of observation and sleep deprivation, “LET’S HEAD TO THE BOX!” Keep in mind, there needs to be absolute darkness in the box. Once our detainee is in the box, insert the animal/insect – but not the same one that he/she has been looking at. Insert a non-lethal version, i.e. – large flies, a hamster or a garner snake with a well designed rattle attachment. Hijinx ensue.

3. “I Piss on You…Drip Drip Drip” – (CIA terms: Stress Positioning with Water Reinforcement)

Water has many more uses than just the waterboard. I mean, REALLY! It is not just a one-trick-pony. Let’s say you have been drinking poop-inducing shakes for days, just standing around with a blinding hood over head. In most cases, this would be relaxing, but not when you are with the top CIA interrogators. At this point, you are forced to hold an uncomfortable or straining position for up to 180 hours while they spray you with water. This is sometimes accompanied with ‘walling,’ but let’s just stick with the water for now. While in this position, being sprayed, the water will vary from balls-cold to colder-than-balls to lastly, balls-have-retreated-back-into-my-body-cold. The result is such complete muscle failure, that bodily functions cease to work naturally. As if being tired was not enough, having non-functional sphincter control seems like that last natural defense of complete humiliation.

After all of these techniques are used, the CIA is convinced that Richard Q. Terrorist will feel so endeared towards you that he will tell you anything. Favorite color, likes/dislikes, even his Facebook password. BFF.

It’s 420, people! And that means every single one of you should be doing something to get yourself into celebration mode ASAP. To help get things going, let’s start off with a little throwback from 2007 called “This Dumbass Cop Eats Pot Brownies and Calls 911,” that way, at least you’ll know what NOT to do. (And get to laugh your ass off in the process.)

The Web is haven for conspiracy theory nutjobs. Their duty is to expose government cover-ups and plots that the general public doesn’t know about. According to their loyal followers, they are ones who speak THE TRUTH!

So who are the biggest conspiracy theory nutjobs on the web? Here are the five most paranoid and popular: (more…)

Women hear about bad things that happen to other women all of the time. But I, like many others, forget that these things could happen to me. Luckily, when I was kidnapped by a taxi driver on Friday night, I had my cell phone on me.

The phone only had battery power because I’d shut it off earlier that night when I saw it only had one bar. I thought to myself, “You don’t want to have a dead phone in case of an emergency.”

Thank god I thought that because six hours later, I was calling 911 on a taxi driver who refused to let me out of his car. I’d tried to use my debit card to pay for our ride, but he claimed his machine was not working. I requested to try again and he began to grow angry with me, shouting, “This is your problem! Not my problem!” (more…)

Yeah…so not the Paris we expected either.

The saddest draft drought in history may be upon us.

If it wasn’t hard enough already, girls now have video blogs about how to avoid kissing men.

VIDEO: Waste of time or “wasted time!â€? – you make the call.

Real men don’t cry…unless they’re watching these 25 hankie-worthy flicks.

Jack Bauer gets an extended vacation; the world heads towards certain destruction.

In Japan, they take the phrase “Get rich or die trying” to extremes.

A wheelchair-bound, 56-year-old woman called 911 on her sister. Upon arrival to her house cops found the woman alone, wielding two knifes and threatening to use them if if anybody tried to harm her. Naturally, they tasered her, which seems to be all the rage these days. (Breitbart)

Video: Sherri Shepherd of The View “not sure” if the world is flat or not. It takes a dumb, round girl to not know if the Earth is flat or not. (YouTube)

A man, drunk off his ass, decides to play Santa Claus for his girlfriend and hop down her chimney at 3:30am – what happens next is anybodys guess. Helpful hint: she wasn’t too happy about it. (WTAE)

A man, probably drugged off his ass, decides to take the advice of his dog, Peaches; barge onto a school bus filled with kids and take away their backpacks for fear they contain drugs. Way to take the law into your own paws, McGruff the Crime Dog. (HeraldNet)

Xbox 360, Mass Effect, aliens, lesbians, sex – McLovin’s wet dream. (Joystiq)