I highly doubt I’m shedding new light on a burnt-out subject, but Chris “Leave Britney Alone!” Crocker is a pointless piece of pop-culture, destined to become a third-tier Jeopardy answer.

Earlier today Page Six reported that Chris Crocker has retracted his infamous “Leave Britney alone!” catchphrase, stating the following: “Britney needs to not be left alone right now. I think if everyone left her alone, she could do some major damage to herself.”

Awesome! Thank god we know Chris Crocker’s worthless opinion on a worthless situation.

Now that he’s retracted his powerful statement, why does Crocker remain famous? Does he still deserve a TV show, now that his only claim to fame is all for naught?

Why should anybody care about Crocker? Why do people search the net for breaking Britney Spears news, like she’s worth worrying about? Why do I feel forced to write about this?

What gives, world?

I was watching some random TV show last night when I noticed a f***ing ticker tape on the bottom of the screen, giving updates on Britney’s stability. The same ticker tape that reads off national security warnings has been reduced to “sources say Britney Spears is ‘doing better.’” Despicable, right?

Maybe I shouldn’t write about Britney Spears or Chris Crocker ever again…but look how prominent their names look in a sentence. Trash sells. It’s “news,” according to the blogosphere. I feel sad and stupid reporting on such pointless crap. I’m not saying that I yearn to wax political on health care issues, but damn - give me interesting stories about interesting people once in a while.