There are few absolute truths in the DC comic book universe. Superman can’t be around kryptonite, OA is the source of the Green Lanterns’ power, Wonder Woman hates most men, and Batman is Bruce Wayne. Everything else can be cured by a simple “crisis,” of varying levels of finality.

In the newest twist of comic book fate, a line has been crossed. When Doomsday killed Superman and Marvel killed off Captain America (Steve Rogers), I had trust and faith that everything would recover and those responsible would see the err of their ways. But in this newest turn, the unthinkable has been thought. Not only is Dr. Thomas Wayne alive, but he is really Simon Hurt – the leader of the Black Glove organization. As if that wasn’t enough of a WTF, he kills his son Bruce Wayne/Batman. And he is dead, like dead-dead, like no kryponian trance or Bat-droid or Skrull pretending to be Batman in some inter-universal conspiracy.

Writer Grant Morrison has been quoted as saying, “This is the end of Bruce Wayne as Batman. Batman will live on though, with another character filling his Batsuit.” Reading the subtext correctly, Bruce Wayne will be back - but not as Batman. The question is, what silly-ass vehicle will they use to bring him back.

Allow me to ponder and please, do not judge too harshly in that I am already not in the right frame of mind due to this this turn of events:

5. Bruce Wayne is cloned. This is obviously the easy way out of a sad mistake, and Lex Luthor has been using this for years. It seems like every other character has had a  clone at one time or another, and one could argue it is getting a little out of control. How many f*%king clones can you have in one story line? The only thing that would make it worse is that if the Joker tries to clone him into something evil (again) or something totally cheap like that. Clone=Gay; Evil Clone=Super Gay.

4. It wasn’t OUR Bruce Wayne, but rather A DIFFERENT Bruce Wayne from another dimension. Damn you Infinite Crisis, when will the madness end! It is cool for a little while, but if I have to get into a Batman from Universe 1, Earth 2 to Batman-prime mindset - I just don’t think I have to time to deal. The economy sucks, I have to get another job and I don’t have the time to invest in building a spreadsheet to figure out where MY Batman/Bruce Wayne is now.

3. Bruce Wayne is taken to some magical pool of life to bring him back to life. **Sigh** Eh…it would be a great way to get him back together with either Talia al Ghul or Selina Kyle, but other than wanting to tap Zatanna from time-to-time, there is no other real need for magic in Batman’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I can see this happening and would be too surprised or heart-broken. There is some magical pool and one of the aforementioned chicks brings him to the “pool of life,” Bruce emerges youthful and refreshed. You might as well clone him, at least that would make for more interesting plot lines and photos.

2. Bruce Wayne will be rebuilt so that he is part machine and part man. God I hope not. I really do. The best part about Batman/Bruce Wayne is that he is a dude. He is a smart dude with a belt and some great toys. Once you make him a machine, you might as well keep him dead. The best part about all of his fights, is that he needs to out-think and out-fight everyone through his humanity. I know non-comic book fans won’t really get this, but there is something awesome about a guy that carries kryptonite around in his pocket 24/7, in case one of his buddies ever goes AWOL. The only reason why this might stick around as a possibility is because of the Brother Eye and the OMACs plotline. Grant - please don’t do this.

1. Bruce Wayne is not REALLY dead. He is “mostly dead.” After a chocolate covered miracle-pill, he emerges with a vengence and desire to create some other suit and secret identity to use as a crime fighter. I am serious…except for the chocolate covered pill part - that is just silly. Like many Soap Operas, the “not dead yet” ploy is one that would take some twists and turns to make happen. We know that Grant Morrison is a ‘twist and turn’ guy, but I am not sure that even he has the ability to pull this off. It is probably the most feasible, but if you are going to kill Bruce Wayne you better DAMN WELL come up with something better than a faggy David Blayne trick. Even if they want to make Bruce come back as a civilian who doesn’t want to wear a cape anymore - fine. But put some effort into the comeback…PLEASE.