First of all, congratulations to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson who just had their first baby boy. That’s great…Just a couple quick questions - are you people f**king retarded? You named him Bronx Mowgli Wentz? Really? What, did you pick it while huffing spray paint?

The sad thing is, you probably spent hours, days - nay - months trying to choose the perfect name before you decided on this gem. But here’s the thing - by the time Bronx Mowgli…ugh…(sorry, I just puked a little in my mouth) is old enough to go to school, Fall Out Boy will be nothing but a distant memory and the name Ashlee Simpson isn’t exactly going to be opening any doors.

That means Bronx isn’t going to be the son of rock star celebrities, he’s just going to be a dude with a stupid f**king name, resulting in so many name callings, wedgies and playground pummelings, he’d probably be better off getting an education in the middle of an UFC cage match.

And chances are, the Wentz fortune will be long gone by the time the mental damage starts to come to the surface. Which is why we’ve decided to start the Bronx Mowgli Wentz Tormented Identity Fund, set up to help pay for the hours and hours of therapy BMW (yes, his initials are BMW) is going to need to recover from having idiot parents.

Donations accepted to the “COED BMW Charity Fund” at editor@teamcoed.com, through PayPal.

Just so you know, this is a real fund and we’re actually going to give Bronx Mowgli the money, so if you want to up your karma a point or two, toss in a couple of dollars and give yourself a pat on the back.