Call me a sick son-of-a-b*tch, but there are few things I love more than a good unfortunate/unexpected sh*t story. And by unfortunate/unexpected, I mean the kind of situation that is made extremely complicated and uncomfortable due to an unexpected bowel movement. The following is a totally true account of perhaps the greatest sh*t story ever. (The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. If you are easily offended, now is a good time to stop reading)

My friend Tim, (yes my FRIEND Tim, not me) was in LA a couple of years ago for the UT-USC Rosebowl game.  After Texas’ big win, Tim and his buddies threw back a couple of monster burritos and hit the town for a few celebratory drinks and a little action.  See where this is going?

Well, the few drinks became many, and the many became more.  Tim was feeling plenty good and started talking it up with a sexy pseudo-Suicide Girl hanging out at the bar (we’ll call her Trinity). The two hit it off famously, downing shot-after shot until she finally asked him back to her place.  It was on.

Four hours later, Tim woke up startled and disoriented to a horrific odor that was unfortunately all too familiar.  The night before flashed before his eyes - the big burrito dinner, the dozens of Buttery Nipple and Sex on the Beach shots, the super-hot stranger sex and of course, the queezy feeling in his stomach before he passed out cold.  “Oh sh*t,” he thought, literally, OH SH*T!

Tim sprang out of the bed in terror realizing that not only had he sh*t a stranger’s bed, but both their naked bodies had been tossing in his burrito-diarrhea for hours.  Her bed resembled a crime scene.  Thank God she was still asleep.

Tim was always quick on his feet and this situation was no different. Frantic, he grabbed a towel, wiped his body down and with the grace of a painter, dabbed the diarrhea around her nether-region.  He quickly threw on his clothes and grabbed the pen and paper to write a note.

The note read:

“Trinity, you should be ashamed of yourself.  You are the most disgusting human being I have ever met in my life. GET SOME HELP!”

Tim quietly placed the note on her bedside table, grabbed his coat and slipped out the front door, completely off the hook. Needless to say, he never saw Trinity again.