The Bible, man, that’s hard stuff to get through.
We decided to go straight to the Man himself to get our moral guidance… but, sadly, Mr. Christ did not return our calls. So, instead, we found three college students named Jesus (Jesus Corral - University of Denver, Jesus Bruce - Stanford Univeristy and Jesus Campos-Hernandez - George Washington University) and asked them about sin. Sloth, indeed.
• Question #1: A starting lineman on the football team beat the crap out of me at a party. How do I get revenge without getting killed? - Chapin, 20
Jesus Corral: “All you need is a bat with a nail through it, dipped in HIV-infected blood. You can figure it out.”
Jesus Bruce: “Next time you see him at a party, put drops of Visine in his beer. The only thing coming out of him for a few days will be slush.”
Jesus Campos-Hernandez: “While at a bar, I got my buddy Dave so bombed that he ended up doing a #2 while he passed out on his couch. He woke up, not realizing he’d soiled himself and walked around campus. So, there are cheaper ways to achieve the result.”
• Question #2: I’m pretty positive that one of my sorority sisters is stealing from me. How can I prove it? - Lindsay, 21
JC: “Set up a hidden camera in your room. Then confront her with the evidence and challenge her to an epic sorority girl pillow fight.”
JB: “Buy a web cam for about $30 at Best Buy. Oh, and write your name on everything. Even tampons.”
JCH: “Lindsay Lohan was once rumored to have thought a friend was stealing cash, so she decided to mark her money. The next time she went out with her friend, that $20 she was using had the mark of “The Lohan”. Label your cash, tell some of your sisters your plan and watch the catfight at your next sorority meeting.”
• Question #3: My scummy professor hits on me. I tried to reject his advances, but my grades have suffered. It’s my word against his. What to do?” - Bev, 17
JC: “Get a little tape recorder and hide it on yourself. Next time he makes advances, encourage him while it records. Then, you got him.”
JB: “Go for a lawsuit. The bad press will force the university to make a choice between firing the guy or risking protests from jobless hippies.”
JCH: “Start a Facebook account ‘Prof. X is flunking me because I’m so damn hot?’ - By the way, you’re 17. Shouldn’t you be at a prom?”
• Question #4: I’m sure my boyfriend is cheating on me. How do I prove it, and how do I teach him a lession? - Samantha
JC: “Sorry, lady. I don’t know. If he’s cheating on you, you’re not fulfilling his needs. The dude is fooling around with two girls. He’s living the dream!”
JB: “If a girl thinks her boyfriend is cheating, she’s right. Check his voicemail and email as well as pay him ’surprise’ visits at times when you’d normally be busy. Go out every night and let him find out from other people, get drunk, go home with a stranger. It’ll drive him nuts.”
JCH: “At George Washington University, a dude flew in to visit his girlfriend, who dumped him. Before the notorious Paris Hilton sex video, there was the notorious GW - freshman - doing - the- nasty - with - her - ex - boyfriend - video, posted on the internet after the dumping. Get a camera, catch him and give the vid to the family!”
• Question #5: I’m pledging and my future fraternity brothers have engaged in some heinous hazing. I want to get them back, but I don’t want them to know it was me. Advice? - Topher
JC: “First of all, change your weird name, Topher. Secondly, it’s not like you’re in basic training at West Point. You’re pledging to a frat. You’re getting spanked by sorry-ass, spoiled frat-boys. Tough it out and soon you can haze your own pledges.”
JB: “Can we officially eliminate the word ‘heinous’ from the language? Your future brothers are probably giving you ‘heinous’ hazing because you call yourself Topher.”
JCH: “I know how you feel. I was forced to view Rudy while watching the pledge educator cry. You can’t do much to a fraternity - short of getting it kicked off campus.”
