The holy grail of dating is to actually find a girl who’s hot but is still willing to go out with you.  And as you’ve already figured out, that’s really hard.  But even if you’re not as attractive or as suave as that friend who has so much sex you want to punch him, even if you “have no game,” there are a few ways to tip the scales in your favor.  These aren’t magic bullets.  They’re practical, actionable things that you can do to help you snag that gorgeous girl who it turns out has low enough self esteem to actually go for you. (more…)

Dating is hard. Just when you think you have women figured out they throw you a curve ball, even adult film stars. Sure everyone thinks porn stars are easy, what with all the money shots. The truth is, they have standards. To learn these standards we talked to the star of COED favorite, “Strap a D**k to Me” and proprietor of Leggylana.com, Lana Cox for advice on how to woo the women of our late night fantasies. (more…)

It’s the beginning of April, and that means many of you will be graduating from college shortly. Depending on how savvy of an undergrad you are, you’ve either milked the college thing for all it’s worth — i.e., you still live in a dorm and get a meal plan — or you haven’t, and you live in a disgusting apartment where a good day involves a fight with your roommate over the dishes.

If you’re the latter case, you’ve already experienced a taste of the depressing jolt of reality that leads people to write songs like “I Wish I Could Go Back to College.” But believe it or not, it gets worse.

See, once you’re out of college, all bets are off. Chances are, Mom and Dad were paying your rent in college; they’ll stop now. You’ll be expected to find a job — in one of the worst economic climates this country has ever seen. And you’ll be expected to take on responsibilities that you’ve never had before: some combination of electric bills, laundry, car insurance, health insurance, cooking, heat, and trash. Oh, you already pay car insurance? Good for you. Here are six more bills, and by the way, you’re in credit card debt.

One more thing: you won’t have friends anymore. Maybe a few of them will stick around, and maybe you’ll still go out drinking with them, but in general, get used to being a loser.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, I think it’s the perfect time to offer you some advice.

Go to grad school.

My senior year of college, I was intent on not going to graduate school. I spent four years worth of tuition on a screenwriting major, and I was determined that graduate school would only put off the inevitable: my immediate success in Hollywood. It was my time to unleash me into the world.

That was my first mistake: you want to put off the inevitable. At all costs. Because the true inevitable amounts to unemployment or, if you’re lucky and didn’t choose a B.S. major like I did, a job you have to get up at 7 a.m. for.  In grad school, you may have to find an apartment, but you’ll never have to get up at 7 a.m. unless you’re in business school.  You can even still schedule your own classes!  If you shun grad school, the days of deciding not to take three classes in a row because you like taking naps at 2 p.m. are over.  Forever.

If you won’t go to grad school, at least move in with your parents.

Welcome to easy street — and the only thing you need to give up in exchange is a little piece of your dignity.  Your mom and dad won’t really want you anymore, but they’ll take you — and cook for you, and take out your garbage, and pay all the utility bills.  You may have to make your bed or mow the lawn every once in a while — but that’s it.  The carefree days of high school are back.

You may have to move away from all your college buddies, but this way you can get back in touch with all those people who never left your hometown after graduation. Be nice to them, okay? You’re one of them now.

This scenario might sound like hell to you right now.  But I guarantee you, six months into the real world, it’s going to sound like paradise.

If you refuse to move in with your parents, at least get a female roommate.

If you have a girlfriend, move in with her. Afraid of commitment? Tough. When she’s doing your dishes, keeping your apartment from looking like a bomb went off, and keeping all the bills organized, you’ll thank me.

No girlfriend? Try to find a platonic female roommate. One of my old college buddies lived with a female friend for a year and it worked great because they created a system: he’d take out the trash if she’d do all the dishes. Naturally, the second job was way more time consuming and much worse, but since he could stand a sink full of dishes and she couldn’t, she was forced into it. That’s the kind of deal you need to make.

Whether you move in with your girlfriend or just a random girl, you won’t be getting laid nearly as much as you’re imagining, but at least in the second scenario it’ll be excusable.

If you can’t find a female roommate, go take a road trip, live in a hostel, backpack overseas, anything.

Don’t live alone or with a male roommate. For the sake of your sanity, don’t.  Living alone, your apartment will be messy, and to your horror you’ll find that you’re actually starting to care. You’ll have to pay all the bills yourself, including rent, and trust me, you can’t afford it. And you will go completely stir crazy. (Okay, one clear cut win here: you’ll have unparalleled masturbatory freedom. Unplug those headphones and open your bedroom door!)

A male roommate will split the costs and provide somebody to hang out with, right? Wrong. It was easy to get along in college because neither of you had to worry about anything in that tiny dorm room. Now you have to share a kitchen, and guess what? You’re about to get roaches. You’ll also have to split the cable bill, which is impossible: either you can never get the check from him, or he forgets to send it in on time, resulting in an absurdly large late fee. You’ll grow to slowly hate each other until you have thoughts about moving into your own place, but — remember? — you can’t afford it. Congratulations, you’re trapped.

Sell all your possessions and go live in a youth hostel instead. Trust me, it’s better. If you help out with stuff, chances are you can live there for pennies or for free. Or go on a road trip. Or convince your parents that you “just need a year to figure out what I want to do” and make them finance a trip to Europe. Maybe the recession will be over by the time you come back.

If all else fails, at least live near a relative.

Don’t underestimate free laundry and the occasional dinner invite.

A Green Card is your ticket to working the land of Tom Cruise and Coca Cola. Many have risked their lives crossing the U.S. border just to get the chance to work and make minimum wage on our shores.

The counterfeit Green Card boom kicked off in 1986 when the Federal law required all employers to verify legal status before hiring an employee. This put a crimp on the illegal work force, if immigrants couldn’t present a Green Card that equaled no job!

So why not massively speed up the process? Why not get a black market Green Card. It’s easier than you think. (more…)

Facebook made big news this week after reports came out of a new user agreement that basically makes it possible for Facebook to turn your wall posts into a g*ddamn coffee table book (or do whatever else they want to try to make money off of your life).

Well, needless to say, everyone freaked the hell out out. And after two days of protest, Facebook decided to revert back to their previous terms of service. (more…)

I conned my way into being lovable PeaNUT, the team mascot for the minor league baseball team, the Modesto A’s. Yes, for one inning they allowed me to don an elephant outfit and be the lovable team mascot PeaNUT. During that one-inning of glory I learned many sports team mascot tips which I love to pass on: (more…)

When one thinks of carnies, what springs to mind is missing teeth, crystal meth, small hands, and the smell of cabbage. These are stereotypes. Like old west outlaws, their freewheeling, nomadic lifestyle—moving from town-to-town—lends itself to a life wholly outside of mainstream society, speaking a language entirely all their own, in a world filled with hardened, scary, scary people.

But I went undercover and became a carny at the 162 Gibson County Fairgrounds in rural Indiana, where not only did I sleep in a trailer behind the Tilt-a-Whirl, but I also learned secrets to the legendary carnie games!

CARNY TIP: In the Basketball game, the balls are over-inflated, and neither the ball nor the hoop is regulation size. Forget shooting off the backboard or rim; the key is to drop the ball straight down in an alley-oop shot

CARNY TIP: The key to knocking over the milk jugs with a baseball is to try and hit it at the base of the bottom two, and not where the three jugs intersect.

CARNY TIP: How hard could it be to pop a balloon with a dart? The darts are dull and the balloons are so limp they barely holding their shape. Arc the dart so that it hits the board on a steep downward trajectory, thus using the weight of the dart to pop the balloon.

CARNY TIP: To win at the Ring Toss Game, snap your wrist as you throw the ring to achieve the most spin possible, this will stabilize the ring making it easier to land cleanly on your target.

CARNI TIP: The highly insular nature of carny society has fostered popular suspicions of inbreeding, supposedly manifested by a tendency towards small hands or thumbs.

Harmon Leon is the author of The American Dream

Jackie Chan is a complete puss! Well…. not really….. but I thought that would make a real eye-catchy opening sentence for a blog about professional stuntman school. These high-falling, dragged-by-car, set-on-fire, roughens are the one’s who take the punch and blows so precious actors like Tom Cruise walk away unscathed. Stuntmen are the cowboys of the film industry. Most importantly these buccaneers really love what they do. Why? Because it’s a f**king cool job!

Here are a few things I learned at professional stunt man school: (more…)

I go to the public library sometimes to use the free Internet. So does a guy that likes to watch porn. There I am, checking my email and whatnot, when all of a sudden I glance over to a face full of ass and balls. It doesn’t really bother me – I visit PrettyFatAndNaked.com all the time. However, unlike this guy, I have a healthy amount of shame that prohibits me from doing so in public. If you’re a normal guy like me (and I use the term loosely), you don’t like people finding out about your porn habits.

Unlike some of my friends, I’ve never been caught with my pants down. They claim I’m lucky, but luck has nothing to do with. I have system, and after you read this article, you will too. Here’s how to watch Internet porn and not get caught: (more…)

In Las Vegas, escorts are advertised EVERYWHERE – rolling billboards, cabbies handing bound photo books with pictures and phone numbers, newspaper machines filled with catalogs, dozens of illegal Mexicans handing out business cards on every street corner. And for about $250, you can get pretty much anything you want.

During a recent bachelor party trip to Sin City, my friends and I decided call some escorts and see what the deal was. After calling around to a few promising looking ads, we soon realized that, unlike other cities where the escorts are completely different than the girls who are advertised, the escorts in Las Vegas are refundable – meaning if what you see when the girls show up doesn’t match your taste or what you requested you can send them packing without having to pay a dime.

Because of this fantastic hooker return policy, my friends and I came up with the best game in Vegas – Escort Idol. It’s just like American Idol, but instead of auditioning sucky singers who perform lame songs, you have hot hookers show you all their sexiest moves. And if you don’t like ‘em, just send them on their way.

Here’s a quick run-down of how to play: (more…)