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It’s the beginning of April, and that means many of you will be graduating from college shortly. Depending on how savvy of an undergrad you are, you’ve either milked the college thing for all it’s worth — i.e., you still live in a dorm and get a meal plan — or you haven’t, and you live in a disgusting apartment where a good day involves a fight with your roommate over the dishes.

If you’re the latter case, you’ve already experienced a taste of the depressing jolt of reality that leads people to write songs like “I Wish I Could Go Back to College.” But believe it or not, it gets worse.

See, once you’re out of college, all bets are off. Chances are, Mom and Dad were paying your rent in college; they’ll stop now. You’ll be expected to find a job — in one of the worst economic climates this country has ever seen. And you’ll be expected to take on responsibilities that you’ve never had before: some combination of electric bills, laundry, car insurance, health insurance, cooking, heat, and trash. Oh, you already pay car insurance? Good for you. Here are six more bills, and by the way, you’re in credit card debt.

One more thing: you won’t have friends anymore. Maybe a few of them will stick around, and maybe you’ll still go out drinking with them, but in general, get used to being a loser.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, I think it’s the perfect time to offer you some advice.

Go to grad school.

My senior year of college, I was intent on not going to graduate school. I spent four years worth of tuition on a screenwriting major, and I was determined that graduate school would only put off the inevitable: my immediate success in Hollywood. It was my time to unleash me into the world.

That was my first mistake: you want to put off the inevitable. At all costs. Because the true inevitable amounts to unemployment or, if you’re lucky and didn’t choose a B.S. major like I did, a job you have to get up at 7 a.m. for.  In grad school, you may have to find an apartment, but you’ll never have to get up at 7 a.m. unless you’re in business school.  You can even still schedule your own classes!  If you shun grad school, the days of deciding not to take three classes in a row because you like taking naps at 2 p.m. are over.  Forever.

If you won’t go to grad school, at least move in with your parents.

Welcome to easy street — and the only thing you need to give up in exchange is a little piece of your dignity.  Your mom and dad won’t really want you anymore, but they’ll take you — and cook for you, and take out your garbage, and pay all the utility bills.  You may have to make your bed or mow the lawn every once in a while — but that’s it.  The carefree days of high school are back.

You may have to move away from all your college buddies, but this way you can get back in touch with all those people who never left your hometown after graduation. Be nice to them, okay? You’re one of them now.

This scenario might sound like hell to you right now.  But I guarantee you, six months into the real world, it’s going to sound like paradise.

If you refuse to move in with your parents, at least get a female roommate.

If you have a girlfriend, move in with her. Afraid of commitment? Tough. When she’s doing your dishes, keeping your apartment from looking like a bomb went off, and keeping all the bills organized, you’ll thank me.

No girlfriend? Try to find a platonic female roommate. One of my old college buddies lived with a female friend for a year and it worked great because they created a system: he’d take out the trash if she’d do all the dishes. Naturally, the second job was way more time consuming and much worse, but since he could stand a sink full of dishes and she couldn’t, she was forced into it. That’s the kind of deal you need to make.

Whether you move in with your girlfriend or just a random girl, you won’t be getting laid nearly as much as you’re imagining, but at least in the second scenario it’ll be excusable.

If you can’t find a female roommate, go take a road trip, live in a hostel, backpack overseas, anything.

Don’t live alone or with a male roommate. For the sake of your sanity, don’t.  Living alone, your apartment will be messy, and to your horror you’ll find that you’re actually starting to care. You’ll have to pay all the bills yourself, including rent, and trust me, you can’t afford it. And you will go completely stir crazy. (Okay, one clear cut win here: you’ll have unparalleled masturbatory freedom. Unplug those headphones and open your bedroom door!)

A male roommate will split the costs and provide somebody to hang out with, right? Wrong. It was easy to get along in college because neither of you had to worry about anything in that tiny dorm room. Now you have to share a kitchen, and guess what? You’re about to get roaches. You’ll also have to split the cable bill, which is impossible: either you can never get the check from him, or he forgets to send it in on time, resulting in an absurdly large late fee. You’ll grow to slowly hate each other until you have thoughts about moving into your own place, but — remember? — you can’t afford it. Congratulations, you’re trapped.

Sell all your possessions and go live in a youth hostel instead. Trust me, it’s better. If you help out with stuff, chances are you can live there for pennies or for free. Or go on a road trip. Or convince your parents that you “just need a year to figure out what I want to do” and make them finance a trip to Europe. Maybe the recession will be over by the time you come back.

If all else fails, at least live near a relative.

Don’t underestimate free laundry and the occasional dinner invite.

As you might have heard, women who would have ordinarily never set foot in a strip club are now taking to the pole in never before seen numbers, as the failing economy makes finding work that doesn’t require degrading yourself to drunken fools more and more difficult. For you guys, that means your otherwise perfect girlfriends may now be having to do some very, um, questionable activities, just to pay her half of the rent. And stripping isn’t the only one. Here are the 10 Sexiest Recession-era Jobs You Don’t Want Your Girlfriend to Have. (more…)

This sucks.

I busted my ass, did well in school, made smart choices. Now, I am graduating after four years of college that I paid for all myself – not through selling my “virginity” – but through loans. Now what? There are no jobs in the major markets that are even marginally appealing to anyone. I am not lucky enough to have parents who can float me for a year. My dad is a construction worker, but no offense, I am not graduating cum laude to do construction – sorry. I am just not sure I have a choice. But here are the few choices for graduating seniors I could scrounge together:

1. Everyone and their little cheerleader sister are heading to grad school. They don’t even know what for, but they took their GRE, MCAT, GMAT and every other test acronym I can think of. The upside is a delay for entering reality and you can push loan repayment for another 3 years or so, but F&*$ THAT! I need a break from school. I would love to actually get out of the academic world for at least a brief stint. Not writing off grad school totally, but I need about 2 years to figure out what I want to do. That degree in Finance, with a concentration in structured finance, that I am about to get isn’t worth the paper it is printed on. Thanks to my academic adviser! Way to steer me into a stable high growth industry.

2. A couple of my friends are determined to enter the military. Right now, there are serious incentives for entering the military. $10,000 in cash, money for grad school, and they will repay a portion of your school loans. Not too shabby, but we are talking about the military. Let us be straight, the US Military is not the beloved treasure it once was. My brother was in the Army and said he would help repay my loans for me before I join the military. Though tempting, I can’t take him up on it. Even though it will TOTALLY suck, it buys me 3 – 5 years, travel (to a desert somewhere in the Middle East), and serious help with school loans. The other upside is that as college graduates, we jump 5 pay-grades to an E-6 (Staff Sergeant) after training. Obviously I am trying to talk myself into this one – but it just seems drastic.

3. My girlfriend wants to join the Peace Corp, but with the way people LOVE Americans right now, I feel like that is joining the military without being given a gun. I hear stories about people who serve in the Peace Corp and attacked in foreign countries…not cool. Albeit, two of the people I know attacked in Africa were girls – I am just leery of that whole system. There are good stories too. People who get to travel the world, gain different perspectives, and learn different languages. Also, loan deferment is good – but they pay next to nothing, and my family doesn’t have money to spot me. I almost feel like the PC is more for rich kids who don’t want to go into the family business just yet. Either way, language experience in Swahili or something like that is not exactly going to a huge resume builder.

4. So many people are now running to get certified with education credits so they can teach. I am not one of those. I can’t teach. I would want to bang hot high school schools and 6-year-olds annoy the piss out of me. Noble profession, just not for me.

5. The Priesthood or some other religious vocation? I will pick up the Rosetta Stone – Swahili edition before I do that. Again, don’t like 6-year-olds.

6. There is always the option to just suck it up. Suck it up, and try my luck out in the job market. The problem is that there are tons of people in there late 20s through their 50s competing for the same jobs. People with ridiculous experience right now. I read in FORTUNE that GE right now has 50-year-old former executives with MBAs and law degrees, applying for the same jobs as college graduates. One thing is for sure – I wouldn’t pick me.

Seriously though – if I missed an option, please let me know. Yes, the idea of porn star and circus performer did cross my mind, but again – trying to not waste the $70,000 I just spent on school.

We’ve all seen these ads in magazines, in newspapers, and on the Internet, to get rich quick. But who takes them seriously? They all seem like scams. That’s why I decided to try out a few to see which get rich schemes are scams to AVOID! (more…)

Jobs are important!  They give you a sense of self-worth In this day-and-age, everyone is concerned with keeping their job, I would like to give tips on how to do the opposite. Yes, I’ve been part of the workforce, but unlike most of you, my goal was to get fired—faster than you can say ”401k.” See, there’s an art to getting fired; especially within 3 hours or fewer.

So, here are a few job ground rules to get yourself off on a bad foot with a new employer: (more…)

When I came to college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my future. So, being young and naïve I decided to major in English. My thought process: an English degree can get me into any grad program and basically get me any job I would ever want.

Turns out, I made a big (HUGE) mistake.

According to recent stats by some important people at the Wall Street Journal, a major in liberal arts is…well, worthless.

OK, maybe not worthless, but definitely not nearly as valuable as majoring something a little more 21st century. Just check out these stats for first year earnings in various fields:

Accounting: $46,000
Consulting: $47,000
Aerospace: $54,000
Engineering: $49,000
Retail: $34,000
Education: $30,000
Journalism: $23,000

Depressing, right? Well, it doesn’t have to be. (more…)

It looks like you left something off that back-to-school list of yours in September, champ: money.

Whether it’s paying for tuition or a Bud Light at Cryan’s, you’re going to need cash. While some have the luxury of parental support or a paid internship, most only have three frightening options: prostitution, refund checks…or getting a job. With the first two being (sort of) out of the question, cash-strapped students actually need legitimate employment to suffice.

Now, note the legitimate and squash the wild ideas, because the following are not options: model, zookeeper, photographer, archaeologist (the fun, Indiana Jones variety), radio personality, novelist, video game tester, professional poker player and every possibility that involves the word “pirate” or “ninja.” It’s not happening, so don’t waste your money on the nunchucks. (more…)

The key to success? Be a nice guy. Seriously.

Obviously, be competent, smart and forward-thinking. But according to Tim Sanders, author of The Likeability Factor, your career success depends on having personal well-being and playing well with others.

‘The grim reality is that life is a popularity contest,’ says Sanders, a Loyola-Maramont graduate and former indie-rock musician. ‘There was a Harvard Business Review study about how people select who they want to work with. And you know what? Everyone would rather work for a likable fool than a competent jerk.’

Sanders is part of a new breed of managers who are looking for ‘emotional talent.’ rather than just physical and mental skills. Being a nice guy, he shared with us some tips to finding emotional satisfaction in our career, from finding a perfect job to loving the one you get. (more…)

Recently, I found myself strapped for cash and needed a way to supplement my income. Like most people, I decided to try nude modeling! The gigs were usually just a few hours, and they paid well above minimum wage. Why not?

I called a few local college art departments. “There’s a shortage of nude models,” I was told. So, career advice No. 1: find an in-demand job, and there’s no interview necessary. Also, nudity is often a deterrent.

During my first class, things started out fine. I walked in, disrobed, ignored the goosebumps forming on my skin (note to profs: turn up the heat) and walked on to a platform in the center of the room as the professor gave me instructions for my first pose. It was pretty simple: I just had to sit still for twenty minutes.

But then my legs started shaking. It dawned on me that I was the only naked person in the room! I looked out at the rows of students, who were busily sketching me while their instructor discussed the angles and shadows of ‘the figure’ and I realized I was just their subject for the day. That’s it. And I took a deep breath and relaxed. (more…)