10 Celebrity Sex Tapes That Should Have Made Millions

Ah the celebrity sex tape. Right now it seems that if you’ve never had a sex tape, you’ve never been famous. The speculation of celebrities with sex tapes reads like a who’s who of famous fornicators and the trend doesn’t seem to be stopping any time soon. So today I give you a list of what some of the most notable tapes should have made and why.

10.  The Gena Lee Nolin Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because of the fact that most of you are saying: Who the hell is Gena Lee Nolin…$950,000

Here’s why:

A C-list celeb (famous for her role in Baywatch definitely not her role in Sheena) rolling around on the floor and having less than spectacular sex with her husband doesn’t seem like much now, but in an age where voyeurs around the world were clamoring for anything they could get their hands on and internet connections were not yet conducive for attaining copious amounts of porn in mere seconds, this footage  is the little engine that could of celebrity sex tapes.

9. The Tonya Harding Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Subtract production costs and bail for Harding…probably about $1,565,000 domestic .

Here’s why:

In America, the only thing we like nearly as much as a good old-fashioned sex scandal is a good old-fashioned sex scandal that involves a once beloved budding star. Tonya Harding, mastermind of the most bizarre incident in ice skating history definitely fits the bill. An excerpt from IMDB user review describes it best:

“Gillooly[Harding's then husband] capture’s the chilling chemistry between the couple who plotted to injure Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan. Much like Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway in “Bonnie and Clyde,” the chillingness of their crimes is juxtaposed with the heat of their sexuality.” Sounds like a good watch to me.

8.  The Chyna (Joanie Lauer) Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because she was associated with one of the most badass wrestling groups of all time…$2,500,000

Heres why:

During my adolescent years, Chyna was one of the first women in wrestling to really show that she belonged with the boys. She was big and strong but also all woman. As an adult she showed me that she’s another in a long line of celebrities to prove that they’re unfathomably crazy. Watching her sex tape with the WWE’s X-Pac aka Sean Waltman is kind of like watching a freak show, you don’t want to look but it’s just so damn bizarre you have no choice. Oh, and they released the tape themselves as a publicity stunt.

7. The Scree…um I mean Dustin Diamond Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because everyone wants to know what kind of woman would allow Screech to act out of character…$2,780,031

Heres why:

Much like my number eight pick, this one rakes in the bucks due to its absurd nature. The ugliest kid from “Saved by The Bell” tries to shatter his dork image by (probably) paying some girls who hate their father to do some things that make the rest of the internet hate him. Sidenote: the tape includes a “Dirty Sanchez” so um, yeah…there’s that.

6.  The Colin Farrell Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because if it didn’t make a ton of money Colin Farrell would go to your grandma’s house and punch her in the face…$3,500,000

Heres why:

As per usual with my posts, this one kind of breaks the rules. After it’s release in January of 2006 the tape’s distribution was blocked by court ruling. Stupid on Farrell’s part if you ask me. Think  about it: It shows a movie star that has a penchant for making women drop their panties doing exactly what his audience wants to see him doing–the nasty. Oh and the woman he was with was no slouch either, it was model Nicole Narain. This tape can appeal to both male and female demographics making it a big sell…if not for that damn reasonable judge.

5. The Kid Rock & Scott Stapp Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

What ever it takes for Scott Stapp to stop making music. Let’s say…$4,500,761

Heres why:

Who wouldn’t want to see the man responsible for the obnoxious hits “Higher”, “Arms Wide Open” and “My sacrifice” (with the band Creed) spitting his probably equally obnoxious game to groupies on a tour bus with the king of trailer park rock?

4.  The Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

Because we all wonder what it’d be like to sleep with a Playboy Playmate…$8,500,000

Heres why:

Kendra, who has no problem posing nude for one of the most notable magazines of all time and who had no problem sharing an 80-year-old-man with two other women is embarrassed by the release of this tape so it must be good.

3.  The Kim Kardashian Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

More than Kendra but definitely less Paris lets say…$10,750,000

Heres why:

Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian? She’s the ideal woman and isn’t modest about it. We’re just waiting for her to release a montage of all her supersexy twitpics.

2.  One Night In Paris

My estimate of what it should have made:

I actually found preliminary evidence that this sex tape made at least 14 million dollars, that’s impressive.

Heres why:

When it comes down to it, some people find Ms. Hilton attractive, others find her a stuck up over-privelaged brat, so it’s only natural we’d want to see what she’s like in bed. Not surprisingly the tape shows her being the same image conscious, pretentious snob you’d think she’d be.

1.  The Pamela Anderson Tommy Lee Sex Tape

My estimate of what it should have made:

If Paris’ tape can make 14 million, the sky is the limit for the most famous buxom blonde of our era. My heart says to go with Avatar like numbers but I’ll say…near 2o million dollars.

Heres why:

It’s the grandaddy of all sex tapes, even if you hate sex and you hate tapes you’ve seen at least parts of this movie.

10 Sexy 90′s Babes Who Disappeared Off the Face of the Earth

I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for hopping back in time for an hour and reliving my youth.  So in honor of our adolescent years, this blog is dedicated to an issue that is pertinent to just about any warm-blooded heterosexual male who grew up in the 90′s and watched television or movies. Today I give you my top-ten list of hot female celebrities from the 90′s who have all but disappeared from our lives (but will be remembered fondly for their contributions to our fantasies).

10. Gillian Anderson: “People” magazine chose her as one of its 50 most beautiful people in 1997 and syndication  checks haven’t stopped rolling in since the T.V. series shut down in 2002. Minus a couple more X-Files movies and a role in 2006′s “Last King of Scotland” Anderson seems to be doing a great job of shedding the limelight. I could insert a cheap joke about being abducted by aliens here but I’m worried that if she ever reads this, a sloppy mistake  like that could cost me a date.

9. Danielle Fishel: I know, I know you’re thinking, “Who in the &$#@ is Danielle Fishel?” and that my friends is the point. Most people know her better as Topanga Lawerence of one my personal favorites of the decade, “Boy Meets World.” Fishel grew into her own during the show’s run and during her tenure she transformed from the crazy girl next door to the crazy-hot girlfriend of  Cory Matthews (Ben Savage). While all the viewers knew that frustratingly goofy Cory didn’t deserve the pristine piece of highschool-hottie that was Topanga, what we didn’t know is where Fishel would end up after the show ended.  The 29-year-old actress’ most notable role since 2000 has been either her one-episode stint on Yes Dear or her role as Marla in National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze.

8. Tatyana Ali: She played Ashley Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bellaire and provided us with something easy on the eyes to combat Carelton’s painful dancing and Uncle Phil’s less than flattering girth (Sorry guys, but someone had to say it right?). Often overshadowed by the genius that was Will Smith and the more involved storylines of secondary characters, somewhere along the line, Ali and the shows producers realized that the best way for a growing Ashley to get noticed was for her to get her grown woman on. It worked, She’ll forever be part of awkward teen fantasies but, as in the case of the rest of the actresses on this list, on-screen hotness just doesn’t guarantee career longevity.

7. Alicia Sliverstone: This one was a tough one for me because Silverstone played the cute klutz angle all to well in 1995′s Clueless which would mean that her “hottness” might not be radiating enough heat to make it on this list. But then reason prevailed when appealing to an unlikely source; 1997′s Batman and Robin.  Ok, so picture this: A lost and rebellious Barbara Wilson (Silverstone) strolls into Wayne Manor looking for guidance. Instead of going out and making a crappy movie with Chris O’Donnell — aka someone who shouldn’t be in this movie anyways — and a not yet good George Clooney, she wants to don her own leather costume and work up and nice sweat by sparring with you. No, that’s not how the movie goes, I know that…but a guy can dream right? And chances are you might be thinking about it too, which attests to Silverstone’s hottness and solidifies her as my number seven.

6. Stacy Dash: I’m going to be honest with you this might be a stretch since Dash, of Clueless fame, just had a stint on The Game (which isn’t a half bad show) in 2009. But do me a solid and lets throw that out for now. Dash is best known for her role as Dee in the Clueless Movie, alongside Silverstone, and on the T.V spin-off of the film.  None of those things have anything to do with Dash being on this list though. All I’m going to say is find a copy of the little known film Illegal in Blue to see more of Dash’s um…adventurous side. I suggest watching with the sound off because of horrid acting — and if your with friends, maybe a blanket so things don’t get, ah…weird.

5. Shannon Elizabeth: Bursting on the scene as European fire cracker Nadia in the first American Pie movie, Shannon Elizabeth seemed poised to make a run at becoming the newest actress to only be in movies because she shows her boobs, not that guys would be complaining too much. But after a not horrible role as Buffy in 200′s Scary Movie, a “blah”  reprise of her role in American Pie 2 and a forgettable part in 2003′s Love Actually (Wait, she was in Love Actually? For real?) Elizabeth was relegated to the realm of destitute T.V. shows because she wasn’t really willing to play into the often naked never intelligent roles that hollywood tried to force her into. Elizabeth tasted brief television success during a stint on Fox’s That 70′s show but was quickly thrust back into the bad movie abyss after her run on the show was over.

4. Sarah Michelle Geller: She kicked ass, she took names. Gellar had plenty of fan favorites (see: I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream 2, and Cruel intentions) in the 90′s and she was believable enough as a vampire-slaying badass in Buffy the Vampire slayer that her show ran from 1997-2003.  The Grudge 2, in 2006, was basically the last Sarah Michelle Gellar Movie with any sort of mass appeal and since the movies release Gellar’s most notable work has been on Seth Green’s Robot Chicken. Not a bad gig I suppose, but it can’t beat bludgeoning baddies to dust everyday.

3. Heather Locklear: Name the last show that Heather Locklear was in, I dare you…bet you can’t do it. Oddly enough it’s actually the same show she gained most of her fame from — Melrose Place. While she stepped back into her old role for eight episodes, Locklear has yet to reclaim the success that she made her one of the most hated yet most doable women on the planet during the 90′s. Now she does, a little bit of everything, it just so happens that none of it’s really sexy anymore. But hey, who wants to be a sex icon when you can have an one-episode arch on Hannah Montana right? Oh how the mighty have fallen.

2. Elizabeth Hurley: Despite not being as amazingly named as Fabiana Udenio character in 1997′s Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery and despite hooking up with Hugh Grant (Really? Hugh Grant?) Hurley emblazoned a place in our hearts with her  ”I’m a sexy british chick” motif  and her beyond sexy accent. Hurley’s popularity peaked soon after her second go around with the Austin Power’s series In ’99. Her next most notable movie is 2000′s Bedazzled and I still struggle to grasp the fact someone decided to take one of the hottest women in the world and put her in a movie with Brendan Fraser.  Despite a surprisingly short career this sizzling Brit definitely deserves to be your “Number 2″.

1. Tiffani Theissen: Oh Kelly Kapowski, what can we say that hasn’t already been said? Sure I personally hated Saved By The Bell, and no I was never a big fan of Beverly Hills 90210 but that doesn’t mean that we can’t rekindle our 90′s love affair…alright, I’m done. But I mean come on, the woman may or may not be a goddess banished to live amongst us mere mortals. Theissen wasn’t just hot to guys like me in the 90′s either, she was absolutely on fire in hollywood. She appeared on Married With Children, Step by Step, Blossom, Saved by the Bell, Beverly Hills 90210 and News Radio all in one decade. That’s impressive. Theissen then muddled through various low-budget tv and movie rolls before landing and role–and a potentially claim to relevancy–in 2009′s White Collar. To us though, she’ll always be smokin’ hot Kelly Kapowski and does it get more relevant than that?

10 Halfcourt Shots That Shouldn’t Look So Damn Easy

Being a pretty big sports fan I’ve seen my fair share of amazing moments. From Hail-a-Marys to Hat Tricks it seems like one of the most universal “Holy $%^#” moments come on the hardwood in the form of the half court shot. Now the half court shot isn’t amazing because of the athleticism that it takes to perform one, but really because of the sheer luck it usually takes to make a bucket of this magnitude. So for your viewing pleasure, I’ve compiled 10 half-court shots that seem too good and almost too easy to be true.

10. Evan Turner’s game winner against Michigan earlier this year. As far as college basketball miracle shots go, this one has just about everything a hoops fan could ask for. The only set back was that it was in the Big Ten Tournament, so really after about a week. “One Shining Moment” and annoying announcers overpowered the amazingness that is this shot. The only knock is that it isn’t quite half-court.

9. It is said that we Dr. James Naismith created basketball, he envisioned a day when one man would rise above the masses and change the way we see the game…That man is Lebron James. Ok so that’s not true, but if there was any sort of myth surrounding a basketball savior, it makes sense that Lebron James would be involved. You don’t think so? Think any ordinary human can do this?

8. Seems like ol’ “Vinsanity” should have added this shot to his bag of tricks earlier in career. It’d probably save his legs more than trying to dunk on everyone.

7. And that damn Dwight Howard just has to try to one-up everybody.

6. Ok, Those are all cool, but hitting a sick half-court shot during a game is a whole different story. The fans, the adrenaline, the defense. That’s why this shot jumps up the charts on my list.

5. So these aren’t all technically half court shots, but, these guys have been featured on ESPN’s Sports Nation numerous times for their sweet stroke.

4. I’m not really sure how to classify this next shot, but since it hits the jumbotron that hovers about half court, I’m going to call it a half-court shot.

3. The sheer fact that I’ve never heard of this happening before gets these two shots in the number three spot.

2. Plain and simple, this sucks for the other team.

1. If  you ever aspire to be a coach, you should learn one thing from this high school team and the previous clip and tell your team to “BOX THE #%*& OUT AFTER FREE THROW!”

So there you have it, sure some of these guys are ridiculously talented but hey, maybe if you work hard enough you can become the NBA’s first half court shot specialist! I mean, if there’s a place for Matt Barnes and JJ Redick in the league, then we all have a chance.

10 Things Lebron James Should Do Next Season Other Than Play Basketball

Will he leave? Will he stay? The courtship of Lebron James is in full throttle and sports fans across the nation are eagerly anticipating a hint as to where King James might be building his next castle. But the real question is, why the hell should he keep playing anywhere? Sure he doesn’t have any championships,  but LBJ does have ooddles of money — so why not give something else a go? In case my theory is right and James does leave hoops for good, here’s my list of the 10 things he should be doing next year instead of playing for any NBA team.

1. Buy his own team.

Being a sports fanatic and raking in at least 40 million dollars annually (according to Forbes) makes me think that the front office might be a great place for James. While attaining 100% ownership of his current team might be kind of hard — ESPN.com has the Clevaland Caviliers valued at $258 million–but he could feasibly buy an NHL team like the Edmonton($86 million) Oilers or maybe a baseball team like the Washington Nationals ($108 million).

2. Finance his own movie.

Also another legitimate avenue for Lebron to persue. He’s already had a feature film/documentary made about him so why not take the next step and make his own movie? Despite their sometimes monster budgets a good film doesn’t have to cost 100 million dollars to make, for example Jurassic Park only cost $63 million. I see James playing an outcast in a futuristic world where an evil regime, played by the entire Boston Celtics team, has destroyed the kingdom by pissing and moaning so much that everyone just begins killing themselves to make the noise stop.

3. Buy his own island and build a resort…no seriously, he could.

Vladiprivateislands.com lists a 500 acre piece of property in the Virgin Islands at a mere $45 million. James has enough to buy the land, build a resort, and make sure that every room has a golden statue cast in his likeness in it.

4. Finally go to college.

Lebron James makes $21,000 dollars an hour so by the time he’s done with his work week, he’s probably paid off your entire college tuition. So why not pull a Rodney Dangerfield and go back to school? Except, it’s going to be pretty hard to focus with legions of adoring fans mobbing him wherever he goes so it only makes sense that he buys his own college with full faculty and staff, but non of us pesky students.

5. Pay Joakim Noah to live in Cleveland for the rest of career.

During their playoff series, Joakim Noah had some choice words for the city of Cleveland. So why not show him exactly what makes the city so special by buying the rights to his contract and forcing him to play for the Cavs for the rest of his career? Downside: If the people of Cleveland didn’t hate him for abandoning them, they sure as hell will hate him for dumping another useless  seven footer within their city limits.

6. Re-shoot lost.

I for one thought the whole alternate reality thing was a bit of a cop out so what if King James did me a royal favor and just re-shot the whole final season of Lost? He’s got enough bank to pay the cast and crew and assuming he bought that island that we talk about before, all he needs is a camera and a writer, then poof! It’s like Jack never dies in that final episode (Sorry for spoiling it but really, if you haven’t seen it by now you were never going to anyways.)

7.  End Ke$ha’s career.

What if Lebron James paid this budding pop “artist” a years salary just to stop? The world would be a better place without the doe-eyed, incomprehensible stylings of the worlds most recent random musical success. And what if she doesn’t want to stop singing you ask? How about he just puts out a $40 million dollar bounty on her head and whatever happens, happens?

8.  Get rid of those awkward players who should just give up.

So Lebron’s out of the game, that doesn’t mean just any loser should be able to take his place. Lebron could take a year off and do the whole league a favor by buying out the contracts of the perenial bench warmers. Sick of seeing Brian Scalabrine be the first one to do something obnoxious after a Celtics win? Do you feel like Adam Morrison just doesn’t quite look right sitting on the Lakers’ bench in a suit during finals? No worries, James could take care of all the talentless hangers-on  with a simple stroke of a pen.

9.  Start his own sport.

Rob Dyrdek just started his own street skateboarding league, how hard could it be for a guy who makes $40 million a year to do the same thing? But being Lebron James comes with a certain amount of expectation, meaning people are going to want James to change the way we view sports. So why not just create a new one? I suggest a mesh between quiddich and slam ball. It can be every four years like the World Cup and besides winning the $100,000 purse, James will sign the winner’s body cast.

10. Nothing.

Let’s be real, the guy makes more in a month than most of us will ever see in a life time, he doesn’t have to do jack $#!*.

Regardless of whether or not Lebron does play next year, it’s important to note that even if you made $100,000 last year it would still take you 438 years to match the annual salary of James. It must be good to be the king.

10 Things in Porn That Don’t Translate to The Real World

Since adolescence, porn has been a wonderful escape into a sexual fantasy world for millions of people around the world. Few things are more exciting for a pre-teen than realizing that people are actually out there doing all those dirty things that you’re afraid mom and dad will find out you think about. As an adult, porn serves as a good old fashioned form of release (no pun intended). Porn detractors will say that pornography degrades women and is submerged in a fantasy world that can’t, or shouldn’t, be recreated in reality. I’m sure there’s a valid argument in there somewhere, but my biggest beef with porn is that porn sex is just too damn perfect. Here are ten porn fallacies that never quite translate to real sex.

1. Some of that @#$%  hurts

Sure Ron Jeremy might be able to work that reverse spider monkey position for hours on end, but in the real world, awkward positions can result in painful cramping. Now I’m all for porn looking as pristine and perfect as possible, but can a guy get a little disclaimer explaining that drilling for oil while my girlfriend is doing a handstand is going to make her neck and my back hurt for a while?

2. Awkward condom moments

In the rare occasion that a male porn star is actually wearing a condom, it’d be nice to see him struggle with opening the wrapper some of the time, or maybe having a hard time putting it on — it just adds a touch of humanity. As a guy, especially early on, it happens and while our partner may not see it, inside we’re feeling more pressure than a hostage situation negotiator to look cool.

3. There are no fluffers

Let’s say you’ve been partying pretty hard before hopping into bed with some lucky girl. Perfect night right? Sure, until that five dollar handle of whiskey you killed in under an hour comes back to haunt you and you can’t “get it up”. There’s nothing worse. In the porn world, while the embarrassment factor might still be there, there’d also be a buxom blonde ready and willing to keep you up and at ‘em for as long as necessary. In the real world all you have to look forward to is a penetrating glare of disdain and a guarantee that all of her friends will be hearing about this problem the next day.

4. It’s actually kind of weird to have sex in front of a large group of people.

Ever notice how in some porn the camera guy gets real up close and personal, only to have to actors bump the camera? It takes you out of the moment and makes you realize that it’s not just you and some of your closest, sluttiest friends, but rather them and a whole bunch of sweating, overworked and underpaid crew members. That’s one thing you’ll (probably) never have to deal with in real life. Except for the aspiring swingers and orgy-goers out there, it’s generally not a good sign if you’re stuck in a room with a group of guys filming your sexcapades.

5. Acrobats rarely exist outside of a circus tent

Chances are, you’re not going to be hooking up with a lot of people who like getting freaky while hanging upside-down on a stripper pole in reality. Oddly enough, the porn world seems to be filled with men and women who don’t mind getting mauled in the kitch sink or tossing a salad or two while bending backwards over a coffee table. As much as we might think it’s cool, that stuff is just uncomfortable. Kitchen table, absolutely. Back seat of a cramped car, sure why not. Face burried in carpet while hanging off the couch, not so much.

6. Real sex, real sounds

In porn there are really only two things you hear; bad dialogue and animalistic orgasms. What about all the awkward smacking, sucking, and slapping that goes on? Sure they’re a little bit off-putting at first, but hey it’s all part of the game right? As a youth I think I would have been far more prepared for some of the weird noises encountered during sex if I knew that someone like Jenna Jameson did it too.

7. Oh how could we forget the dialouge?

“I heard someone ordered a big sausage pizza”…Come on. Really porn writers? I just don’t get why porn dialogue is so bad most of the time. In porn you either get right to the nitty-gritty or you have to deal with 10 minutes of the worst scripted prose anyones ever heard. That’s not real life. Sometimes without scintillating conversation, things in the bedroom are doomed to fizzle, rather than produce fireworks.

8. Sweat isn’t as cool in the real world

Alright so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. Lezley Zen glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross. I’d like to have my hands other places than on my pillow wiping of your back sweat. And I’m sure all the girls out there could do without guys brow sweat momentarily blinding them while their men try to do their best Peter North impressions.

9. It’s not cool to destroy people’s stuff

Take note: women tend to pay a lot of money for their undergarments, so as cool as you think it is rip someone’s bra apart with your teeth or destroy a pair of panties, think twice. Unless you’re willing to part with some money to donate to your girlfriends “I need to go to Victoria’s Secret fund”.

10. ATM…

You know the scene in Clerks 2 where Rosaria Dawson’s character is talking about ass to mouth and how it’s only OK in the heat of the moment? Well if you ever find a girl who believes that, you should marry her, or get tested. An old staple by now in pornos around the world, ATM is rarer than a good Nicholas Sparks movie in the real world. First of  all think about you need to find someone who’s down for anal (not easy) and oral (easy) and then they have to be open enough (not to mention pretty care free when it comes to germs) to let you do both. Not an easy combination but more power to anyone who does it.

10 Ways To Impress A One Night Stand

The one-night stand. It’s a staple on college campuses all around the world and can easily be an ambitious student’s single greatest accomplishment — or the epitome of  embarrassment. The one-night stand, even when fueled by copious amounts of alcohol, can be a beautiful thing so it’s only natural that we would do anything we can to preserve its sanctity. While it’s inevitably an awkward experience in and of itself, there are ways to make sure that the awkwardness of a one-night stand stay at tolerable levels. Here are ten foolproof ways to impress your one-night stand so much that she’ll never look at you and be overcome with a sense of nausea, regret, and embarrassment.

Don’t get too drunk

As a guy, it doesn’t get much worse than having a ready and willing hottie ready and waiting for you and all you can do is flash one of those “I’m so sorry” looks. The one-night stand is a delicate animal and too much booze can ruin your one shot of getting a girl to do things that she’ll probably regret tomorrow. You don’t have to be sober, be buzzed — hell be hammered if the occasion calls for it – but don’t be blackout. Theres a 50/50 shot that you might actually want to remember what it is that’s about to happen between the sheets that night.

You Best Use Some Zest

“What’s that smell” should never be a phrase uttered pre-coitus, or during any romantic moment for that matter, so make sure you get you inner eighth-grader on and step your hygiene game up. Now “hygiene” and “college”  don’t necessarily go hand in hand (and it’s especially hard to keep things Kosher while beer guzzling, party hopping, and participating in  numerous other illegal activities) but it’s the little things that count. Gum is a must and never be afraid to tidy up whatever you have to in the bathroom before getting down. It’s not weird, it’s common courtesy.

Hold the Leather Please

Whips and chains might get you going, but they’ve got no place in a one-night stand. It’s kind of like a bad teen comedy where the guy is extra-amped  and that the girl from the frat party wants to take him home but once he gets there she’s got a torture wheel, a big spiky dildo, and no lube. I’d run too. Save the freaky stuff for a serious relationship, there are definitely people out there ready and willing to lick your boots while you tighten the nipple claps. Please don’t harm the unassuming girl or the girl just looking to get some.

If You Saw It In Porn, It Probably Won’t Work

A one-night stand is not the time to pretend you’re Lexington Steel or Jenna Jameson. Being creative and being too ambitious are two separate entities entirely. While most people will enjoy a signature move (maybe nibbling the ear or something special with the tongue), keep it simple because odds are you’ll never hook up again. What they won’t want is trying to do it reverse cowgirl while hanging over the balcony and trying to capture your misguided antics on camera. Keep it smooth, keep it simple.

Don’t Text During

I’ll admit I’ve become quite the texting whore over the years, but never could I imagine doing it during sex. I feel like that’s kind of like a doctor watching ESPN while doing invasive surgery. It’s an intensely important act so it’s probably good to devote your full attention to it. And seriously how much sex are you having that you would waste valuable time texting a buddy.

Know How Much Is Enough

Since we’re talking about communication, it’s important to note that too much dirty talk can be a  huge turn-off. While I think it’s hot that you have so many creative ways to tell me just how badly you want me, it stops being hot when you start telling I’m a dirty slut or when you start conversing about all the degrading things you want to do to me. If a scenario needs more than two or three dirty words to describe what you want, maybe you should save that one for your diary. Stick to the classics please.

Don’t Stay For Breakfast (Unless Offered Of Course)

You know that scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl share an  especially awkward breakfast after doing the dirty the night before? Yeah, don’t do that. Get in, do your thing, get out. It’s a one night stand, not a one-night stand and talk about your feelings. It’s kind of like practicing to be a Navy Seal, just treat it like a covert operation.

This One’s For The Boys

Okay,  so it’s the morning (or if you follow my Navy Seals game plan, 10 minutes after you’re done) and you need to get dressed. Now, while I believe that if you’re going to have sex you absolutely should be comfortable with your body, there is something that no man in is right mind should do: DO NOT BEND OVER IN FRONT OF A WOMAN. It’s gross, it’s awkward, it’s not a good look men. Girls can sometimes get away with it but for males it’s like a live action shot of the worst angle in porn. For the love of God spare her the emotional scaring and eventual vomiting that comes with getting a glimpse of “the angle”.

Um Yeah, don’t do this either…Don’t take a dump. There really isn’t much to say about this…let’s move on before things get weird.

And Last but not least

Don’t high-five afterward. You’re doing an adult act, so find an adult way to express your gratitude for a good romp. A simple “Oh man, that was great!” might suffice. You aren’t MVP of the Super Bowl, you didn’t just tell a good joke, and there’s a good chance that you aren’t forsaken to only be able to communicate through intimate hand to hand contact so find a better use for your digits. A high five after will all but seal the deal that you won’t be coming back for seconds.

5 Facebook Statuses to Avoid

Is there anything more unflattering than a person who uses their Facebook status inappropriately? While hanging out in the newsroom with my buddy Grant the other day, we began perusing Facebook to curb our boredom (and/or procrastinate doing any work). While doing so we noticed that a pattern emerged  amongst some of our friends; they were damn good at being really annoying. It seemed like every status update we came across just made navigating “The Book” more and more unbearable. Sadly, we couldn’t go through and tell each person why their crappy status was ruining our day so being nerds, we did the next best thing — came up with a biting list of the five worst kinds of status updates. Now all we have to do is make it our status and wait for everyone to take all our wonderful advice.

1. Tagging your baby

If you’ve just had a great date with the love of your life, doesn’t he or she already know about it? Is tagging him or her in your status really necessary? The answer is no, it’s not. That’s what your Facebook inbox is for, or phone calls, or God forbid, face-to-face conversation. Your friends should already know you’re happily in a relationship. Save me the trouble of cleaning the chunks off of my keyboard and keep sappy status updates to yourself, please.

2. Piling on drama

If you’re really upset about something or having a rough day, let’s be honest: you don’t want 800 of your least-closest friends to know about it, do you? No one likes a complainer. There’s no need to drag everyone else down with an obnoxious update. And since we’re being honest, is what just happened to you really that bad? People get speeding tickets every day. Professors can be jerks. Hangovers aren’t that bad. If you’re really going to “F” your “L” over any of these things, you aren’t mature enough to be part of Facebook or society in general. Statuses that do a poor job at being subtle also fall into this category. Yeah, we see all those Paramore lyrics you like to post. We also see that it’s a poor attempt to stick it to an ex who wronged you in hopes that he or she will see how badly you’re hurting. If you really want to stick it to him or her, write a letter detailing how you’re totally over the whole thing and don’t even think about your relationship anymore. Then put it in their locker. I mean it worked in eighth grade, so it probably still works now.

3. Begging for compliments

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you got the job. I’m glad you aced your test. Don’t ruin that by trying to guilt me into congratulating you. If I want to give you praise, I will do so on my own terms. There’s no need to make a special request for it. Plus, don’t you think my compliments might mean a little more if I can make them on my own terms? How am I supposed to genuinely wish you luck or applaud your efforts if you force me to before I even get the chance? There’s nothing like signing in and seeing that a handful of people liked your status or left a congratulatory comment, don’t ruin it by telling me I should be happy for you.

4.  Stating the obvious

When finals week rolls around at your  school, news feeds will be filled with statuses about how tough it  is. Talk about aggravating. Everyone is in the same boat. We’ve all had finals before, and many of us will have more next year. Why do some people deem it necessary to comment on them? I could not care less about how many presentations, essays and tests you have left. If you’re so busy, how do you have time to sit here and tell anyone who will listen that your world is so hard that you can’t handle it? In the time it takes you to figure out all the ways your life is so rough, you could probably publish your own self-help book and assist others people in the same downtrodden situation.

5. Stating the pointless

I don’t care that you’re at the gym. You’re going to bed? OK, good for you. Just get it over with and leave Facebook be. It’ll be there when you’re done. I really don’t need to know what you’re doing at every second of everyday. I like you; that’s why we’re friends, but honestly there comes a point where all you’re doing is breeding a crop Facebook stalkers with your obnoxious updates, stop.

I like Facebook just as much as the next person but please, for our sanity and yours, let’s strive to add a little significance to status updates. It just promotes a healthier atmosphere for us to do what we do best—creep.

Now Enjoy…Top 6 Hottest Pic Links On The Web!