Ask A Chick: Fingering, Ryan Gosling, Pot vs. Coke vs. Booze

What’s the deal with Ryan Gosling? Why do girls get all wet whenever his name is mentioned?

Have you seen “The Notebook”?! Or the pictures of him with his dog?!! Or for that matter, any picture of him at all?!?! The man is a living God; he’s GQ meets Prince Charming. Women see in him a man that’s sensitive but edgy, charismatic but mysterious, beautiful but not pretty. He always looks clean and put together, even when he’s rocking scruff, and he never has any trashy drama circulating the tabloids. Whenever life faces you with a choice, whether it’s getting dressed in the morning or how to handle a relationship problem, ask yourself “What would Ryan Gosling do?” Your sex life will prosper.

Gun to your head – would you rather date an alcoholic, pothead, or cokehead? You have to pick one.

Provided he doesn’t have violent tendencies and get whiskey dick, I’d probably chose the alcoholic. It’d be like keeping a piece of college with me forever. But if he’s emotionally or erectionally dysfunctional, I’d choose the pothead. He’d be a chill boyfriend and would always be down to watch movies. I would never date the cokehead because I’d be angry that he was spending so much money on coke when he could be using that money to buy me gifts. Also, cocaine is just tacky. I don’t care how popular it’s made Charlie Sheen, he’s a #loser.

Guys prefer BJs over handjobs, why don’t women prefer getting eaten out over getting fingered?

We do - when it’s done right. For guys, it’s hard to get a non-pleasurable ‘job unless there’s tooth action or she blue balls you. But for women, it’s all about the technique. There are two key factors to good head: patience and dexterity. Unless a guy is steadily hooking up with or dating the girl, they don’t realize the time they need to put in down there. This is not an easy task one can speed their way through, which is why patience is key. The other key to good head is the combination of hand and mouth placement. The union between fingering and mouthwork is similar to patting your head and rubbing your stomach. All I can say is: become good at multitasking.

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Ask A Chick: Facial Hair, Hang Out vs. Hook Up, Second Date ‘Raincoat’

What are your thoughts on facial hair? Do I need to keep it groomed? – Wallace

Attention male readers: Just because you can grow facial hair doesn’t mean you should. However, on the right man there is nothing sexier than scruff. If your facial hair doesn’t grow in wispy, light blond, patches then by all means, grow some stubble! However, no one wants to fuck the Zach Galifianakis doppelganger at the bar, so keep that shit tame. We don’t care if it’s no-shave November; if you don’t keep your hair maintained, neither will we. Get the picture? Good.

Would you think it weird if you learned that I brought out a condom with me on our second date? – Graham

Yes. I would be extremely put off. However, if things start to escalate after dinner and you aren’t prepared that would be bad too. Keep the condom out of sight, be it in your glove compartment, some hidden pocket deep within your jacket, anywhere that she won’t accidentally see it. And equally importantly, when you guys are getting hot and heavy after the date, DO NOT pull out the condom before she makes it 100% clear that she’s DTF. If she says/moans something along the lines of “I wish you had a condom,” use your best acting performance to “double check” that you don’t have one lying around, then act surprised when you miraculously “find” one.

I’m trying to have fun this weekend but also hang out with this girl I haven’t hooked up with yet. If I bring her out with my friends as we get wild and crazy, do I stand any chance of getting any? – Pat

If you just want to hook up with her, yes. The combination of alcohol and the people around you getting wild will pretty much guarantee you’ll be getting some. Especially if she brings her friends along and they’re down to get drunk and crazy too (that’s pretty much your ‘checkmate’ in the game of hooking up). But, if you actually like this girl and want to be suave, charming, debonair, etc. when you finally hook up with her, don’t bring her around you and your wasted buddies. Being sloppy with your friends around the girl you like is the quickest way to hook up with her once then never have her return your calls on the basis that you’re “exactly like every frat boy she ever made the mistake of dating in college.”

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Ask A Chick: Fingering Numbers, Bringin’ Sextin’ Back, Spilling Secrets

Why do you never sext me back?

Do you understand how often girls read each others texts? As a girl, if you’re dumb enough not to bring your phone to the bathroom with you, be prepared to walk back into the room with all of your friends knowing every conversation you had in the past two weeks. Not only that, but as girls we have fantastic peripheral vision which we use to read texts our friends write from under the table. However, if you try to sext us during hours when you know we’re alone, we’re not sexting back because we don’t trust you enough not to show all of your friends our inner freak.

How often do women masturbate?

There’s not really a concrete range for how frequently women masturbate like there is for how often men do. Some women masturbate three times a week, whereas others masturbate three times a month. Regardless, it’s significantly less than men do. Also, because women don’t get boners and blue balls (duh), they don’t necessarily need to reach orgasm every time they masturbate. This is also the reason why when you bring a girl back to your apartment you’re DTF but she’s DTSpoon.

Exactly how much do you tell your friends about our relationship?

We tell our friends when you something cute for us, buy us something nice, tell us you want to introduce us to your parents. And when we’re in a fight, we tell them we don’t wanna talk about it, but all they need to know is that you were in the wrong. However, we tell our one absolute best friend everything. Like, if you trim the hedges, position play-by-plays, and not only a word for word account of the fight we had last night but also a Danielle Steel-esque description of the following make-up sex. However, not even Al-Qaeda could torture that information out of our bestie, so it’s honestly not something to be self-conscious of. However, our casual friends will be quick to notify your next girlfriend that while you gave her jewelry from Macy’s for your anniversary, you bought me Tiffany’s for ours.

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Ask A Chick: Handjob Feedback, Rebound Hound, Nail ‘n’ Bail

Photo by Sean Cliver / Paramount Pictures

How do I tell her that she sucks at handjobs? – Dario

Okay, listen carefully: you have to tell her while her hand is on your job. Instead of saying what she’s doing wrong, tell her what you want her to do. For example, instead of “you’re going too slow,” say “faster.” You can even put your hand over hers and make her hand do what you want it to, kind of like “The Miracle Worker.” The important thing is that you don’t tell her what she’s doing wrong, you tell her how to do it right, and this is easiest when you two are in the moment.

If I’m hooking up with a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, am I the rebound? – Rafi

Not necessarily. Some girls like being in relationships and will happily go from boyfriend to boyfriend with no impulse to have a meaningless rebound fling. Other girls will take the opposite route which involves hooking up with as many guys in a drunken rebellion until she inevitably gets back together with the ex-boyfriend that she’s clearly not over. However, the latter type of girl is all about sheer numbers, so if you’re steadily hooking up with a newly single girl, she’s probably the first type.

via Getty Images

How do I hook up with a girl and then ask her not to spend the night? Does that make me a dick? – Donald

Seriously? God, I want to punch you in the face so badly! You have to let her spend the night. It’s bad enough when guys don’t cuddle the girl sleeping over! By hooking up with a girl and then asking her not to spend the night, you’re basically degrading her into being a pro bono prostitute. The very least you can do is let her sleep over then set a bogus alarm for 7 am and tell her she’s got to leave because you have to go to church. God will hate you, but at least the girl, her protective older brothers, and her entire sorority won’t.

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Ask A Chick: Raw Doggin’, Spoonin’, How To Get A B-day 3-Way

PHOTO CREDIT: (c) Dacian Groza

Do you really expect me to wrap it up all the time? – Todd

Okay, we’re going to take a little quiz:

1. Have you both been tested? (Yes: +1. No: +0)
2. Did either of you test positive for any STD? (Yes: +0. No: +1. However, +1 if you received the proper treatment)
3. Is your partner on birth control? (Yes: +1. No: +0)
4. If she’s not on birth control or she realizes she forgot to take her pill that morning, are you willing to help her split the cost of that super pricey morning after pill? (Yes: +1. No: +0)

If you scored a 4, congratulations! We will have sex with you sans condom!! If, for some reason, you scored less than a 4, you either need to get tested ASAP or you need to respect your woman’s choice for not being on oral contraceptives.

Why do girls get to be the little spoon every time? You realize that it’s pretty uncomfortable, right? – Wyatt

While we’re on the subject of things that are uncomfortable: high heels, skin-tight dresses, cleavage-maximizing bras, and here’s the kicker, suppressing your gag reflex. Get the picture? You’re going to have to suck it up if you want us to, quite literally, do the same.

From a normal girl’s perspective, is there any way that I can convince my girlfriend to have a three-way? Like with two girls and me. – Sven

I’m not saying this will be impossible, but you’re going to need a good game plan. Here’s how you’re going to play this: you’re going to get her a really expensive and tasteful piece of jewelry for her birthday. She’s going to love it and try relentlessly to repay you in fantastical sexual favors, but don’t let her and don’t mention the threesome. Wait it out until the weeks leading up to your birthday and when she asks you what you want, casually mention the threesome. If she acts hesitant, you need to say that since you got her something special for her birthday, you thought she could do something special for you on your birthday. It’s imperative that you say this without angrily guilt tripping her. That will only piss her off and make her think that her birthday was all part of some mastermind plot to have a threesome (smart girl.) Instead, you need to act mildly disappointed then immediately drop the subject. This will cause her to obsess about it for days to come and eventually give in. And those are the steps to achieving every straight man’s dream.

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Ask A Chick: Halloween-er Costume, Eat Out For Oral, GF’s Friends Suck

How important is it for me to actually have a Halloween costume? I never have good ideas so I usually just fore-go the holiday altogether. Is the girl that I have a crush on going to think I’m lame? – Lee

Taylor Says: I know it’s harder for guys to come up with costume ideas since they can’t just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears, but come on man! It doesn’t really matter what you dress up as, it’s just important that you dress up. Think of it this way: if she sees you didn’t try at all for your costume, it’s not entirely unreasonable for her to think you won’t really try when you’re hooking up. It’s like when kids go trick or treating in regular clothes and people don’t give them candy, only this type of candy is less sweet yet equally satisfying.

If you really can’t think of anything just do the ‘d*ck in a box’ costume. Easy and straight to the point.

Is it a bad idea to go down on a girl first? I feel like if I start doing that, she won’t feel that she needs to reciprocate. She does, right? – Thad

Taylor Says: No. In fact, I don’t know if you could find a better way to get a girl to go down on you, unless you find a way to come Diet Coke. Girls are not wired the same way guys are, meaning we don’t feel the need to roll onto our stomachs and pass out once we’ve received oral. By going down on a girl she’ll most likely feel the need to reciprocate, just like how all girls inevitably have that one girl at their birthday dinner that she only invited because she was invited to theirs.

I really f*cking hate my girlfriend’s friends. How can I tell her she chooses to hang around total losers (not me, of course) without hurting her feelings? – Jeremy

Taylor Says: I hate to break it to you (actually, no I don’t), but this is a battle you will not win. If you don’t want to hang out with her friends, you don’t have to, but there’s no way you can dispose of them completely. In turn, your girlfriend probably doesn’t care for your videogames, but she’s not going to make you throw away your Gameboy (or whatever it’s called). You might as well schedule your gaming time during her girl time.

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