Words (and Phrases) Only A Douchebag Uses

Although we all love slang, some words have just been run into the ground or should be removed from a guy’s vocabulary altogether. The next time you hear someone utter any of the following words, push them down a flight of stairs.

Bromance: We get it, two straight guys who are unusually close to the point where they are a couple. It was a lot better when bromances were more subtle like buddy cop movies and not so obvious and obligatory.

Man Cave: The sacred place for men to be, well, men. The man cave itself won’t lose its luster, but the more people talk about it, the more mainstream it will become.

No Homo: If you really weren’t homophobic, you wouldn’t have to say “No Homo” after every mundane interaction with another male.

Owned:

Epic Fail: We get it; someone added insult to injury and it spread like wildfire across YouTube.

GTL: You can thank the Italian, non-Italians from Jersey Shore for this one.

TFM: Nothing says “I am a preppy, trust-fund baby douche” than ending a sentence with Total Frat Move.

Tiger, Boss, Chief, Hoss, Sport, Ace: Of all the patronizing things you can call someone, especially in the gym, these are probably the worst to hear from someone who is a total stranger.

Brah/Brus/Broski/Broseph: These words deserve their own space because nothing else can match their douchiness.

While we’re at it, here are some overused phrases that most guys can’t stand hearing:

“I’d hit that”

“That’s how I roll”

“I’m funna…”

“Getting swole”

“Get on my level”

How To Get A Good Workout In A Bad Gym

Unless you go to some of the top sports schools in the country (insert something with the Florida Gators here) with multimillion dollar rec centers, chances are the gym in your dorm’s basement won’t have the best state-of-the art equipment, if any. A little imagination and good ol’ American stick-to-it-iveness can help you get a great workout even if your gym sucks.

Problem: You have no gym

Solution: Your body. You might not know it, but your body is one of the best pieces of fitness equipment that you have access to 24/7 /365. From push ups and pull ups to body weight squats and lunges, lifting your own body weight will get you fit and the best part is that you can do any of these exercises anywhere.

If you do have a gym, but it only has machines, stick to body weight exercises. Many machines in gyms today can cause more harm than good; check out these machines and exercises in the gym you should avoid.

Problem: No bench

Solution: Your chest is one of the largest groups of muscles in your body and can be worked out in a variety of ways.

With dumbbells, you can do the same chest exercises with a barbell and you’ll work your chest and triceps in a functional way. Don’t have dumbbells? There are a million variations of push ups you can do from incline, decline to even resistance from a partner.

Problem: No squat rack

Solution: Body weight squats, lunges or squats with or with dumbbells or kettlebells.

Even if you don’t have a barbell and squat rack, you can still do squats by holding a pair of dumbbells or kettlebells at your sides at arms length. Combine body weight squats with Tabata training (repetitively squat for 20 seconds, rest for 10 seconds, repeat for 4 minutes) to really get a sweat.

Problem: No curl bars or dumbbells

Solution: Pull ups and chin ups. Chin ups and pull ups work not only your biceps, but also build up your back and forearms. You’ll also make your biceps much stronger because you’re curling your body weight.

Problem: No spotter

Solution: Use your better judgment

There have been many gym accidents where someone lifted way too much weight than they could handle and it severely injured them. If you really need to max out or are trying to get that millionth rep, make sure you have safety rails on your bench or squat rack or just skip it for a day when you have a spotter. No matter what you’re trying to accomplish, your safety comes first.

Tricks to Getting Rid of that Beer Belly

A wise man once said, “Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat; it makes you lean… against bars, tables, chairs and poles.” Turns out the guy was half right. The college lifestyle of all-you-can eat dining halls, all night study sessions and partying Thursday to Sunday can quickly catch up to your waist line. For proof, check out 80 Epic Beer Bellies [PICS]. If you’ve recently discovered your gut and sides hanging over your pants like a muffin top, it might be time to cut back on the brewskis.

Cut the Cord

You may not want to hear it, but in addition to eating healthy and regularly exercising, you have to stop drinking if you want to lose that beer gut.

Alcohol  is nothing but empty calories, and when you drink, your body uses the calories from the alcohol for energy instead of fat. Any calories from alcohol that are not used for energy are stored as fat. This is how you gain weight from drinking.

Quitting the bottle to lose weight is especially hard to do when you consider that people drink at most social interactions from sporting events to parties to dates.

Beer or liquor… either way you lose

Some geniuses think, “I know, instead of beer, I’ll drink liquor instead! There’s no way liquor has as many calories as beer!”

Wrong choice, pal.

A shot of 80-proof liquor (40 percent alcohol by volume) has 100 calories per shot (1.5 ounces), or about 65 calories per ounce. What’s scarier is that a shot of 100-proof liquor (50 percent alcohol by volume) contains 130 calories, or 85 calories per ounce.

There are 7 calories per gram of alcohol so if you drink several Bacardi and Coke Zero cocktails, you’re still taking in a ton of calories especially if you get wasted.

If you still want to drink beer…

What’s that phrase about having your cake and eating it too? Why the hell would you have a cake if you weren’t going to eat it?

Anyway, light beers have fewer calories in them compared with darker, full-body beers. A 12-ounce bottle of Coors Light contains 102 calories, whereas a 12-ounce bottle of Guinness Extra Stout contains 153 calories. If you’re trying to lose the gut and still want to drink beer, light beers are probably your best option. One important thing to remember though is that those light beers quickly add up if you drink several of them, however you most likely won’t drink as many dark beers.

Less is More

If you’ve been drinking for a while, chances are it takes a lot of beer, and by extension a lot of money, to get you buzzed.

By reducing the amount of alcohol you drink, not only will you lose weight and take in fewer calories, but also your tolerance for alcohol will decrease. That means when you do decide to drink, you won’t have to drink as much to get a decent buzz and you won’t take in a million calories.

Aside from cutting back on the booze, here are some other behaviors you should probably stop doing.

The 10 Greatest Things The Internet Ever Gave Us

To say that the Internet has revolutionized our society would be the greatest understatement of all time. The Internet has monopolized our modern way of life and the “wired” generation has never known life without it.

This list counts off (in no particular order) the 10 greatest things the Internet ever gave us.

If we're not friends on every single one of these networks, it's OVER!

1. Social Media

Who would have thought the idea of keeping Harvard students connected would transform into a $1.1 billion business with more than 500 million users?

With the proliferation of blogs, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, LinkedIn and other websites, social media accounts for 11 percent of time spent online in the U.S. and has revolutionized the way people communicate. Although some will argue that social media has given the wired generation an exaggerated sense of self importance, it’s hard to argue against the benefits of connecting with people, expressing yourself and keeping up with the Joneses.

"I'm going as hard and as fast as I can go"

2. Porn

Say what you want about porn, it’s not going away any time soon. As old as civilization and recently bailed out by the government, porn is an annual $12.6 billion industry in the U.S.

With man’s never-ending desire to copulate and its accessibility from any computer anywhere in the world, the Internet and porn were made for each other.

See how it all started in the movie “Middle Men” out in theaters now.

Still failed Typing 101

3. Online degrees

Today, there’s no need to even set foot on a college campus — but that wouldn’t be any fun, now would it? — to obtain a college degree. With more universities offering degrees online, and whole universities such as the University of Phoenix, people who would never have the opportunity to go to college can become educated and pursue a better life.

i can haz free muzak?

4. Music through mp3s

How we listen to, acquire and share music dramatically changed with mp3 files and the advent of  and p2p services like Napster in 1999.

Radio websites like Pandora and programs such as iTunes got more people listening to more music now than any other time in history.

5. Searching

Can’t remember the name of that actor in the movie you just saw, or the book you need for class or just about anything you ever wanted to know? Search engines such as Google and Yahoo! and online encyclopedias such as Wikipedia — and every wiki spin off — made searching for anything and everything much easier.

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Similar to searching, the Internet definitely made researching that term paper or science project much easier without ever having to step foot in a library and open a book. Unfortunately it also made a lot of people lazier because plagiarizing material became as easy as control copy and control paste.

If GoodFellas were released today, the quote would be, "F*ck you, PayPal me"

7. E-commerce

Back in the days before the Internet, if you really liked something from a 8-bit Nintendo game to a VHS tape to a canned pumpkin, chances are you had to pull out the Yellow Pages or the classifieds page of the newspaper, find a store and call to see if it had the item in stock. Then you had to drive there and pay in cash.

The Internet made shopping so much easier in that you could find whatever you were looking for and have it delivered to your doorstep without ever leaving your chair.

Yeah, but you miss out on the fear in the teller's eyes. Priceless.

8. Online Banking

Before the Internet, balancing your checkbook was an endless hassle of checks, envelopes, postage and letters. And late charges. And then no electricity. And then bad credit.

The Internet made the entire process of paying bills from your mortgage to electricity to car insurance as easy as a couple of clicks and an e-mail notification.

With more secure methods of payment delivery such as PayPal, you can pay your bills instantly and even send money directly to people’s accounts and not have to worry about losing a check in the mail.

It’s hard to believe that in a not-so distant past, you actually had to talk to someone prior to withdrawing money from your bank account.

I can see you rolling your eyes.

9. Telecommuting

Today, you can work from the privacy of your own home using programs such as Skype and GoToMeeting to save tons of money in gasoline and wear and tear on your car. Not only do you save money, you save time and emotional wear and tear by not having to commute. With the exception of walking over to your boss’s or coworker’s office, there is nothing you can do at work that you cannot do at home through telecommuting.

10. Freelance Writing

Last, the Internet gave all of the unemployed journalists out there an opportunity to make some money. With numerous websites that publish freelance material, and the opportunity to make money off of it, all is not lost for journalists as newspapers and magazines face difficult times in an industry moving online.

WANNA BLOG FOR COED? SEND US AN EMAIL AT WRITERS@TEAMCOED.COM WITH THE FOLLOWING:

• 3 sample works

• A list of topics you’re interested in blogging about

• 5 favorite website

• 5 songs you’re currently listening to

College Freshman’s Guide to Laundry

Doing your own laundry, the official sign that you are now on your own and in college. Or maybe it’s the mountain of dirty laundry and lack of clean underwear. Either way, this quick guide will help you learn how to do laundry in college.

What You’ll Need

Detergent: Clothes won’t get clean with just water, so you need detergent. These days, detergents are highly concentrated, so you won’t need much detergent for several loads of laundry. Follow the directions on the detergent jug for how much to use.

Stain remover: Some stains won’t come out after one wash, so just to be sure, buy a bottle of Shout Stain Remover and apply it on stains. If you spilled something greasy on your clothes, like barbecue sauce, use the stain remover immediately and wash it as soon as you can. Also, buy Tide to Go sticks that usually come in three packs and keep them on you to get rid of stains right after they get on your clothes.

Dryer sheets: These Kleenex-looking tissues prevent your clothes from sticking together through static cling and  soften and add artificial fragrance when you dry them.

A bag to carry everything: If you live in a dorm, chances are you’ll have to make a trek to the laundry room, so bring a draw-string laundry bag or plastic basket to carry everything.

Quarters/school I.D. Most colleges offer an electronic declining balance for machines like washers and dryers, so don’t forget to bring your student I.D. and some quarters just in case your balance is low.

Not All Laundry Is Equally Washed

Before you dump all of your clothes in the same washer, you have to separate your laundry into three groups: Darks (blacks, dark grays, navy blues), lights (bright colors like blue) and whites.

If you wash any colors with whites, the colors will bleed through and ruin your clothes. For example, if you wash something red and something else white together, the result will be something pink.

Brrr, it’s cold!

If you’re worried about your clothes’ colors running through, wash your laundry with cold water. Your clothes will keep their color and you can wash darks and lights together in one load.

High and Dry

Before your clothes are finished washing, clean out the dryer’s lint filter and throw in a dryer sheet. Once the washing machine finishes, take your clothes and put them in the dryer and choose the appropriate dryer setting.

Some fabrics and clothes should not go in the dryer as the high heat will make them shrink, so just hang those clothes to air dry. Always look at the “how to wash” tag on your clothes before you wash and dry them the first time.

Final thoughts

Most dormitory washing and dryer machines have guides on how to sort laundry and what water temperature settings to use for which types of clothes. Remember to check your fabric labels and bring something to read as doing laundry is a monotonous and boring process, but clean and fresh clothes feel great and are one less thing to worry about.

7 Exercises to Avoid at All Costs

Think you’re hot stuff at the gym when you’re lifting heavy weights and rotating your body in every which way? Think again. A lot of popular gym exercises cause more harm than good to your body. The next time you’re in the gym, avoid these seven exercises like the plague — your ligaments and joints will thank you later.

Culprit 1: Upright Row

Why it sucks: This exercise involves “internal rotation” where the position of your shoulders makes the small tendon in your shoulder collide with bone every time you raise the weight. It may not hurt right now, but with added resistance over a long time, it can lead to rotator cuff tendinitis.

Instead: Try dumbbell presses, lateral raises, military presses, and clean and jerks to build up your shoulders.

Culprit 2: Any upper-body lift done behind the neck

Why it sucks: First, you have to be flexible as hell to reach a bar behind your neck. If you aren’t flexible, you can easily strain your neck. Second, any sort of lift behind the neck makes the rotator cuff do “external rotation,” which similar to the upright row, makes the small tendons in your shoulders grind against bone.

Instead: Try lat pull downs in front, chin ups or seated rows to work your back.

Culprit 3: Smith Machine Squat

Why it sucks: The Smith Machine, a device that looks like a towel rack, is one of the most dangerous ways to squat. When you squat with a barbell or any other free weights, you move down and back. On the machine, it only moves straight up and down, which does not take into account someone’s body shape and posture, and puts more stress on the knees and lower back.

Instead: Try regular squats with a barbell or hold dumbbells or kettlebells at your sides and squat.

Culprit 4: Oblique Rotation Machine

Why it sucks: Rotation machines twist your upper body while your pelvis is seated, which puts excessive stress on the lower back.

Instead: You can do twists to work your obliques as long as you don’t excessively twist your spine. When you twist, cradle a free weight like dumbbell or kettlebell above your abs and tighten them as if you would get punched in the gut. This works your abs harder and saves your spine from twisting too far.

Culprit 5: Always wearing a weight belt

Why it sucks: Ok, so wearing a belt is not an exercise that causes harm, but constantly wearing a weight belt, especially during lifts when you don’t need it, weakens your abs and lower back.

Instead: Wear a belt for when you actually need it, such as a one-rep max lift for squats, deadlifts or power cleans/clean and jerk.

Culprit 6: Sit-ups

Why they suck: Sit-ups from the floor put too much stress on your lower back and don’t work the abs in a functional way.  Instead of contracting and moving your abs, sit-ups make the hip flexors pull on your spine.

Instead: Try regular crunches and other ab exercises such as the pillar or plank and focus on compound exercises like squats that already engage your core.

Culprit 7: Chest Fly Machine

Why it sucks: Also known as the Pec Deck, the movement of this machine overstretches the front of your shoulder, which can make the ligaments permanently loose, and the muscles in the back of the shoulder stiffen to stabilize the shoulder.

Instead: Practice the tried-and-true methods of building your chest: Push-ups, barbell bench press and dumbbell bench press.

An Idiot’s Guide to Choosing Between Cologne and Aftershave

You’ve just finished a hot, clean shave and are ready to get dressed for the big event. You may have a hot date, a wedding, or maybe even a potential life-changing job interview. But there’s a problem: you have a cut on your face from shaving and don’t know what to do. And not only that, you also want to make a positive lasting impression, but don’t know what cologne to wear. Well we’re here to make sure that you never make the wrong decision again.

What is Aftershave?

Aftershave is, you guessed it, what you put on after you shave. When you shave, you’re dragging a piece of sharp metal across very sensitive skin pulling the hairs off your face and opening your pores. If your skin is dry, your razor is dull or if you are half asleep while shaving, you can end up with red bumps and a few nicks and cuts.

Aftershaves help close the pores of your skin to improve its appearance and fight infection if you cut yourself. Some aftershaves also contain moisturizer to help replenish lost oils in your skin after shaving. Aftershaves come in liquids, gels and balms/lotions and have fewer scented oils in them compared with colognes so their scent won’t last as long. The liquids usually have the highest alcohol content, which will sting if you put it on a cut like Macaulay Culkin from “Home Alone. For guys prone to oily skin and blackheads, liquid aftershaves will close your pores. If you have really dry or sensitive skin that is easily irritated, balms are your best choice, and aftershave gels are the best in-between option.

When do I use Aftershave?

- You cut yourself while shaving

- You have very oily skin with clogged pores and blackheads

- You have very dry skin or sensitive skin

What is Cologne?

Cologne on the other hand is a fragrance made to help you smell better. The word cologne is short for Eau de Cologne, a perfume that was created in Cologne, Germany. The assumption that perfume is for women and cologne is for men is actually false as both genders can wear either one. Colognes are activated by your body’s heat, so apply them to your skin and different pulse points — and not your clothes because the chemicals in the fragrance can ruin the fabric or stain your clothes. If you wear jewelry, put on your cologne first as the chemicals can create a milky film on your bling.

Cologne is only made to help you smell better so don’t use it if you cut yourself from shaving or need an antiperspirants. There’s nothing tackier than someone who wears too much cologne, so don’t be that guy from the commercial and have your cologne announce your arrival hours before you get there. Need a more advanced lesson? Check out the five rules on how to properly apply cologne before you decide to bathe in it.

When do I wear cologne?

- You want to smell better and have people remember you by your scent.

- You hate the smell of your B.O.

- You want to have a longer-lasting scent than your aftershave.

When do I NOT wear either?

The only time you wouldn’t want to wear cologne or scented aftershave is during  a job interview as wearing an overpowering fragrance could distract the interviewer. You also never know if your favorite cologne might be the same scent your interviewer’s ex or arch nemesis wore — which could give off a bad vibe even before you say anything. For a job interview, the less you smell, even if it smells good, the better.

Can I ever wear them both?

You can actually wear both aftershave and cologne as long as they are from the same fragrance line. Applying cologne on top of your aftershave will layer the scent and make it last longer. Also keep in mind that nowadays shampoo, conditioner, body wash and deodorant all have a scent of their own, so pick a cologne that won’t conflict with the other scents.

How to Bargain for Idiots

Make no mistake, the economy sucks right now.  With everyone trying to make a quick buck, learning how to bargain and bargain competitively will help you save a lot of money the next time you buy a  car or a smart phone or an escort. There’s no reason to get ripped off when you’re already broke.

What is up for bargaining?

A lot of times, people don’t know what exactly is up for bargaining so they never bother to do it in the first place.  Goods that lend themselves to bargaining include: Jewelry, electronics, furniture, and hotel and car rental rates. A lot of mom and pop stores and places where employees get commission are good places to bargain. That said, don’t bother bargaining in places like restaurants, grocery stores and bus depots because you’ll look like a giant tool.

Have a plan when you come in

The people who are trying to sell you something more times than not will want to sell it to you more than you probably want it. When you go in without a plan, you’re easy game to get screwed. So have an idea of what you want and how much you’re willing to pay for it. This is especially true with electronics as sales people will try to sell you something close to what you are looking for but will also offer a ton of extra options you don’t need.

Start at half

In places like flea markets and foreign markets, always start haggling by asking for half of what they are offering. Remember, when you state your best offer, you can only go up from there, so go as low as you can before agreeing on a price both sides will agree on.

Don’t feel bad for low-balling

The people trying to sell you anything from cars to phones to fake Oakley sunglasses are there for one reason: to make money off of you (and more than likely they get commission). So come in with a plan and drive a hard bargain, but be respectful. After all, it’s your money and if you get a good deal, it will help you sleep easier at night.

If all else fails, walk away

Walking away is a good tactic because you will either find another place that will give you the deal you want, or the salesperson will chase after you to come back and give you the price you originally wanted. Remember, bargaining is not just about saving money but also walking away satisfied with your purchase. Happy bargaining!

5 Simple Steps to Getting Shredded Abs

Now that summertime is here, guys everywhere are hitting the gym to get ripped for the beach. Of the many beach muscles guys train, the six-pack is one of the most sought-after fitness goals…and one of the hardest to achieve. Before you start crunching away to create your own “Situation,” read this blog to make sure you do it right and don’t waste your time on silly gimmicks and commercials.

1. Learn some basic ab-natomy

In men, the stomach is usually the first place the body stores extra fat and the last place they will lose it — that’s why you’ll see so many older guys with giant pot bellies but skinny limbs. When training to get cut abs, it’s important to know that ab muscles aren’t created, but already exist. Everyone has muscle cells in their abdomen — the front of your stomach is one large muscle called the rectus abdominus that runs from below your chest all the way down to your bladder. The sides of your abs are the obliques and the inner abs are known as the transverse abdominus, which is the body’s natural weight belt. Although everyone has muscle cells in their abdomen, most peoples’ abs are undeveloped and have a layer of fat covering them; which is generally the result of being a couch potato.

2. Forget spot reduction

The biggest mistake guys make when training to get a six-pack is only doing countless ab exercises like sit-ups. This practice is called spot reduction, or the act of doing specific exercises for specific body parts to lose fat. The reality behind spot reduction is that unless you’re training for a sit-up or crunching competition, doing countless ab exercises will strengthen your abs, but will leave you with the same amount of fat compared with when you started. The burning sensation you feel when doing continuous ab exercises, or any exercise in general, is the build up of lactic acid, not the depletion of fat. The only tried and true methods of getting a six-pack include cardiovascular exercise, eating properly, and strength training, in addition to ab exercises.

3. Do cardio

If you are already lean, ab exercises will help build muscle definition and improve the appearance of your midsection. Check out these ab exercises that will help develop your core. Unfortunately if you are more than 40 pounds overweight, ab exercises won’t do much more than make you sore as hell. Muscle and fat are completely different cells, so to get a six-pack you must burn your fat reserves and develop your muscles. To do this, you will have to do some serious cardiovascular exercise in addition to ab work. When doing cardio, find something you enjoy doing. There are plenty of cool alternatives to running like Mixed Martial Arts training that will blast fat while helping to build your core.

4. Drop the pizza and the Natty Light, frat boy

If you’re doing cardio and lifting weights several hours a week, you won’t do your body any favors if you eat an extra large greasy pizza and down a 12 pack of beer after your workout. To lose body fat, you have to eat healthier by avoiding fried foods and sugary beverages. You may not want to hear it, but alcohol is probably one of the first things that should go if you want a six-pack.

5. Pump it up

Muscle is more metabolically active than fat, so the more muscle you have, the more calories you will burn at rest. Believe it or not, you don’t have to do a ridiculous amount of ab work to build a six-pack when there are so many different compound exercises that indirectly work your core. Starting out, spend less time on directly training your abs and do more indirect training like pulldowns, chinups, squats and deadlifts.