How To Get Laid At A House Party

Undergrad Americana- a lukewarm beer, a house full of college kids, wearing your favorite t-shirt, and bleach blondes dumping their rum-filled solo cups on your favorite t-shirt. What’s the matter Don Juan, “I lost my number, can I have yours” not cutting it anymore? Never fear, COED’s got some tips to avoid the self-cockblocking mine fields that are drunken house parties.

Rule #1: Dress To Impress

Ditch the molestache and the mutton chop-sideburn combo you’ve been trying to grow for the last four months- it makes you look less like Russel Brand than a guy who will filet you into a skin suit. Come to think of it, Russel Brand looks exactly like the kind of guy who would carve ladies into lampshades.

Sorry to drop a catch-22 on you, dear virginal readers, but you can’t look too normal, either. The only thing scarier than Freddy Kreuger is Patrick Bateman, so do your best to not to look like that nice guy who will walk you home, kiss you on the forehead and then murder you with a hacksaw. (Hint: that guy wears a lot of Hollister.)

Rule #2: Location, Location, Location

Look. The guy standing at the keg is desperate. The dude squatting the pong table all night is boring. And the moody guy drinking straight whiskey on the roof is either Johnny Cash or some douchebag re-enacting an episode of True Blood he saw one time but his sister made him watch it he doesn’t like vampires alright man that’s totally gay.

Try the couch or a wall, and always have a bro or two at your side so you’re not “Dude, did anyone even invite that guy?” guy. Just make sure your wingmen know to bail when a lady approaches. But COED, you ask, why would a lady approach me?

Rule #3: Differentiate Yourself, Be Interesting, Have Personality

House parties bring out the booze-loving, libido-driven, poorly-dancing bro out of every guy. This is fine, and in fact encouraged. Otherwise all parties would be delightful victorian tea parties where everyone quipped Oscar Wilde quotes at each other. There’s a time and a place, English majors, and ABC parties are not that place.

Once you’re intoxicated to the point where your inner monologue is reduced to “Tits. Tits. Tits. Beer? Tits” you need only make one conscious mental effort to succeed in holding a female’s attention for longer than twenty seconds- be a person. Like things. Dislike things. Mention you’ve seen a movie recently. Perhaps you watch televison? I bet you like television. I bet you even have a funny comment about that one episode of How I Met Your Mother you saw the other day.

Get the picture? Talk about things that aren’t the party, the weather, or your major ( environmental science is bullshit and everyone knows it anyway.) Do a magic trick if you have to. Get drunk, be interesting.

Rule #4: It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint

Know how you’re turned off by that girl who’s too drunk and clearly has vomit on her dress while she stands on the couch singing along with a song that isn’t the one currently playing on the stereo? You know what’s even worse than that girl? A guy doing the exact same thing.

Especially if he’s wearing a dress.

Moderation, dumbass. “Whiskey dick” can apply to your personality, too.

Rule #5: Make A Move, Dude

Here’s a Discovery Channel voiceover you’ll never hear: “The jaguar, having already caught and killed the gazelle, decided she wasn’t that hot and he had class tomorrow anyway, and decided someone else could eat his gazelle because hey not everyone hits a home run every time.”

If you have succeeded in flirting with a girl for more than ten minutes, she probably thinks you’re cute. In fact, making past the two-minute mark is a pretty sure thing. It doesn’t matter if your idea of making a move is awkwardly slipping her your number or drunkenly inviting her back to your dorm for a roll in your oh-so-suave extra-long single bed, as long as you make some sort of move.

Some jaguars are faster than others. Some are stronger or have sharper claws or better senses of smell. But the reason those oversized housecats are smarter than you is simple. No jaguar ever left a catch uneaten because of some self-esteem issues or because someone was lighting a bowl. Prioritize. And it’s probably best if you don’t tell her she’s a gazelle.

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7 Easy Steps To Becoming A Superhero

Everyone wants to be a superhero. The powers, the gadgets, the crazy chicks with White Knight complexes – what’s not to love? As an alternative to your ultra-glamorous retail job or that useless PhD you’re working towards (come on man, a podiatrist isn’t even a real doctor-give it up already), let COED show you how to become a superhero and immediately start living a more awesome, cell-shaded life.

Step 1: Tragic Past

No one ever strapped on tights and a polyester cape because they were emotionally stable. If you want to fight crime, you need a tragic past.

What if your parents are still alive? What if you aren’t at fault for your uncle’s murder, or your middle school girlfriend’s blindness? Then start taking your loved ones on long walks through the worst parts of town, or perhaps on a long vacation to a war-torn third-world nation. We guarantee results!

Step 2: Fixate Like Mad. Literally.

Now that your mother’s been killed by a bizarre black-market ring of kidney thieves in one-piece pajamas (yes, the kind with footies), you must never stop thinking about how your mother was killed by that ring of onsie-wearing organ traffickers. Ever. Focus on this one fact for, at minimum, your entire childhood.

To go above and beyond, it would help if you developed a mild for of a serious mental illness while this happened. Schizophrenia’s always in season, and paranoia’s a classic everyone wears well! Just make sure the fabric of your sanity’s been frayed, so when you

Step 3: Decide You Are A God

It makes total sense to you and only you. This is the first real superhero part of our 7-step program. In the case of our protagonist whose mother was killed by surgeons in pajamas, declare yourself Dialysis Man or the Kidney Kaper. Become the thing you hate most, as long as you can make a bitchin’ costume out of it (all the money’s in the action figures, kids.)

Then declare yourself above the law and vow revenge, preferably while standing on a rooftop. Silhouetting yourself by the light of the moon is optional. Encouraged, but optional.

Step 4: Acquiring Powers

Now that you have an awesome costume and insatiable, righteous bloodlust, you need the tools to carry out your vengeance. Places where superhuman abilities are frequently obtained include, but are not limited to: Nuclear power plants, atomic power plants, research facilities conducting medical experiments, sewers and sewage systems, museums dealing with the occult, weapon testing fields, and anywhere science is conducted on purpose.

Hang around until something goes horribly awry. You may think a reactor meltdown would obliterate you and the better part of the hemisphere, but that’s why you’re not a superhero yet and instead spend your time dicking around on the Internet. Close the window for Starcraft Robot Unicorn Tetris Assault Attack and focus, nerd: catastrophic events will not kill you. They will give you magic powers.

Or they’ll make you really lame, like Gear from Static Shock. But mostly they’ll give you powers.

(also see Step 4A: Being Rich Instead)

Step 5: Execute Vengeance

Congratulations! You can fly, you have laser vision, and for some reason you make amazing panninis. Now it’s time to satisfy your murderous instincts and kill the pajama wearing weirdos who dissected and killed your mother.

Wow. They’re all dead, huh? That was easy.

Now what?

Step 6: Vow To Protect The Good

Your life, while enhanced by two and a half awesome superpowers, is now utterly devoid of meaning. Way to go there Bruce, you’re a shell of a human being. A shell wrapped in spandex and a utility belt. What is there left to do, logically, besides arrest and murder every other scumbag within a thirty mile radius of you? It’s the only morally correct decision on your part, considering how close to godhood you are and all, right? Plus, with marriage vows being a total joke these days considering the high divorce rate, no one will get that pissed when you don’t follow through on yours to protect Aunt May. She had it coming anyway.

Step 7: Kill Everyone Anyway

There comes a time in every fledgling superhero’s life where his moral compass goes on the fritz and he goes berserk on the guy selling hotdogs on street corners. That comes right after you avenge your past, and immediately before you get your act together and start fighting for good. Anti-heroic as it might be, this final step is AWESOME (and can be seen in every Punisher comic ever).

Think of it as your angsty superhero adolescence, but instead of acne and blogging you kill some innocent bystanders and use your powers for your personal gain while humming Linkin Park songs to yourself.

After you’ve completed this irresponsible final step, you’re officially a superhero! And yes, those tights do make you look fat.

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