AIG’s Top 5 Retreat Sites for 2009

As we all know, modern business is defined by rewarding failure. From the economic bailout plan to golden parachutes, nothing says “Congratulations on the gross misuse of the public’s trust” like extravagant rewards. In all of my research, I have found that only this industry rewards creative abuses with equally creative excess.

Taking full advantage of my creativity and propensity for excess, I have decided to start my job a little early. Keeping AIG’s corporate culture and leadership goals in mind, the following list contains the next 5 destination retreat sites for 2009 that are sure to piss of Congress even more than the others.

Please be sure, that when the American government is footing the bill, it is important to spare no expense!

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3 Reasons Barack Obama is No Keanu Reeves

With trailers popping up for his new movie The Day the Earth Stood Still pending release on December 12, we are reminded that in the movies Keanu Reeves is the answer. And at the same time, all over the news and in the media, Barack Obama is being touted as the new Keanu Reeves, capable of solving all our problems with some fantastical superpower. But please heed this warning: Barack Obama is not Keanu Reeves. This world is not the Matrix, or The Day… and Barack is not Neo or Klatuu. Read more

5 Ways DC Comics will Bring Bruce Wayne Back From the Dead (SPOILERS)

There are few absolute truths in the DC comic book universe. Superman can’t be around kryptonite, OA is the source of the Green Lanterns’ power, Wonder Woman hates most men, and Batman is Bruce Wayne. Everything else can be cured by a simple “crisis,” of varying levels of finality.

In the newest twist of comic book fate, a line has been crossed. When Doomsday killed Superman and Marvel killed off Captain America (Steve Rogers), I had trust and faith that everything would recover and those responsible would see the err of their ways. But in this newest turn, the unthinkable has been thought. Not only is Dr. Thomas Wayne alive, but he is really Simon Hurt – the leader of the Black Glove organization. As if that wasn’t enough of a WTF, he kills his son Bruce Wayne/Batman. And he is dead, like dead-dead, like no kryponian trance or Bat-droid or Skrull pretending to be Batman in some inter-universal conspiracy.

Writer Grant Morrison has been quoted as saying, “This is the end of Bruce Wayne as Batman. Batman will live on though, with another character filling his Batsuit.” Reading the subtext correctly, Bruce Wayne will be back – but not as Batman. The question is, what silly-ass vehicle will they use to bring him back.

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No Sympathy For Detroit’s Collapse

I have an economics professor that is such a hippie-liberal-douche, it pains me to hear him speak. Every now and then, though, he says something completely uncharacteristic that I agree with. Being that it is my 8am class on Tu/Th, it leaves me with the rest of the day to ponder.

We give the Detroit Big 3 a ton of crap for being slow in transitioning to fuel efficient and alternative fuel automobiles. They still make trucks and SUVs like they did in the prime of the 90′s waste, F-THAT! Good luck with your losses…right? After some poking around after class, I ran across a fun stat – the same Big 3 spends $25B a quarter or over $8B a MONTH in pension benefits.

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Drunk Girls Kissing

Sometimes, it’s the simplest things that affect you the most–meeting the love of your life, seeing your first born child for the first time, near-death experiences, finding Jesus–and pretty much anytime two chicks start making out.

It’s awesome. So awesome, it stops any dude in his tracks, drops his heart down to his balls, and turns on a blood rushing, animalistic furry of lust capable of taking down a full-grown rhinoceros. So grab onto something bolted to the floor, and get ready for hottest thing this side of Megan Fox.

Check out this SFW gallery after the jump.
You know, “SFW” unless you work someplace lame… Read more

Florida is Determined to F-up the Election…AGAIN

I don’t get it.

Having proven that the State of Florida cannot handle relatively simple tasks, as was the case in the last Presidential Election, Florida’s Broward and Miami-Dade counties have announced that they will buck the state’s recommendations for handling voters flagged by the controversial Florida Voter Verification Law. I am not exactly sure who they think this will benefit, but it is ultimately bad for America.

When the election of the President of the United State becomes a political game and a pawn for either party, we have taken a serious step backwards in the upholding of our most cherished freedom. Whether you choose to “Vote or Die” or whatever dumb-sh*t anthem Hollywood will be chanting next week, the problem is real.

How can one state’s political system decide to jeapardize the voice of the whole country? Not that it will, but given the electoral college’s power, a screw-up in Florida could mean the difference between who controls one of the most influential countries in the world. These are the same people who screwed up the “butterfly ballot” and most of which have no idea how to work their TiVos. My grandmother lives in Florida and calls me every week when House is on so that she can record it and watch it the next day – so she can fast-forward through the commercials.

Oh yeah – these people are going to screw it up again…just watch!

Please Come Down To The Office, You Have AIDS!

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.

Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed, but the district is consulting with national AIDS organizations as it tries to minimize the fallout and prevent the infection from spreading. So to help do that, the school district is saying nothing…to anyone…even those who now might have HIV.

“There’s potential for stigma for all students regardless of whether they’re positive or negative,” Normandy School District spokesman Doug Hochstedler said Thursday. “The board wants to be sure all children are fully educated.” A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school’s football team initially balked at playing Normandy’s 8-0 team, and not to be a douche, but why shouldn’t they?

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Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac: Do you get it?

Let us begin in the beginning…

Freddie Mac’s full legal name is the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation and Fannie Mae is the Federal National Mortgage Association.

Fannie Mae was created in 1938, under President Franklin D. Roosevelt, at a time when millions of families could not become homeowners, or risked losing their homes, for lack of a consistent supply of mortgage funds across America. The government established Fannie Mae in order to expand the flow of mortgage funds in all communities, at all times, under all economic conditions, and to help lower the costs to buy a home. In 1968, Fannie Mae was re-chartered by Congress as a shareholder-owned company, funded solely with private capital raised from investors on Wall Street and around the world. Freddie Mac was created in 1970 to support the same operations as Fannie Mae.

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Hadron Collider is On and We are Still Here!

…Dammit…

I was hoping for a large gaping black hole that would only suck up Creationists and whiny hippies bitching about the collider’s affect on global warming and the f*cking manatee. At the very least, it should suck up the French right? Alas, no such luck.

The Large Hadron Collider – a $9 billion particle accelerator designed to simulate conditions of the Big Bang that created the physical Universe – was switched on at 0732 GMT to cheers and applause from experts gathered to witness the event. Read more

Obama Speech: Any Fair and Balanced Left in the News?

If so, I can’t find it.

So Obama is done giving his speech, and I am flipping between MSNBC with Chris Matthews/Keith Oberman and FOX.

If Matthews and Oberman were any more up Obama’s ass – they would have been covered in sh*t. FOX on the otherhand, might has well have been burning pictures of Obama and were tearing apart every vocal inflection he made.

What ever happened to impartial news reporting? I remember growing up and feeling that I could believe anything the news people reported, because there was this integrity of impartial news reporting. Those days are gone.

If you were to flip, as I am right now, you would think the reporters watched 2 completely different speeches. You can’t argue the fact that Obama is a great public speaker, but why not simply highlight the points he made? No, of course not. Everyone needs to give their 2 cents as to what they took away from him.

But Keith Oberman? Really? Dude, you were on SportsCenter…please stop. Tell me what you think about Favre moving to the Jets, don’t interpret political language and positioning.

That was exhausting just to watch.

Joke 6

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
A: Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until after he’s thirteen.

Joke 3

Q: What is the best part about having sex with a 5 year old?

A: Their hand makes your d–k look bigger!

BONUS:

Q: What is the worst part about having sex with a 5 year old?

A: Getting the blood off of your clown suit.

Joke 2

Q: A man walks into the bar and sees a sign:

Handjob: $5
Cheese sandwich: $2

He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,

“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said.

A: “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

Joke 1

Q: A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. “Sally,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.” “I didn’t mom,” Sally replied.

A: “I was giving a bl@wjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me.”