Out of the myriad of things wrong with today’s society, we need to thank Matt and Trey for calling attention to one of the greatest underlying causes of racial tension in the United States. Urination etiquette is of course the underlying issue, but as we all learned last night – there are just too many minorities in our waterparks. (To be fair though, there are a growing number of fat white people wearing t-shirts in the pool as well.)

(Check Out The Full Episode Here)

Not My Water Park – Lyrics

What has happened to this place
I don’t recognize it anymore
It used to be so fun and special
What is life worth living for

The dream is dead
Our land is gone
There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t go on

There are too many minorities (minorities)
At my water park (my water park)
This was our land, our dream (our dream)
and they’ve taken it all away

They just keep coming and coming (minorities)
I tried to go and tell the police
But even the authorities
Are minorities (are minorities)
At my water park

There’s no place for me to sit anymore
And the lines just keep getting crazier
There are Mexicans all around me
The lazy river has never been lazier

It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide
And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!)

There are too many minorities (too many)
At my water park (somebody do something)
Where did they all come from
Why can’t they leave this land alone

And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying)
We looked the other way too long
We’ve got to change our priorities
And get all these minorities
Out of my water park

(Minorities) Mexicans and Asians
Black people
I think I even saw Native Americans (gross)

God I’m asking please
Get all of these minorities
Out of my water park (my water park)

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I am not sure who Lyoto Machida has naked pictures of, but the karate kid got sodomized by Shogun Rua tonight – and somehow walked out with the title.

The Staples Center crowd showered down a chorus of boos as Machida retained the UFC Light Heavyweight title. Retained is a loose phrasing. They put the belt back on his waist, but from this point forward – it is a joke.

Shogun “I Have No Conditioning” Rua quite literally kicked the sh*t out of him. Machida’s legs and body were as red as a baboon’s ass, but whatever he had on the UFC was enough for him to hold onto the title. I could see if Tiger Shulman’s was a sponsor or something, but it was sad.

Nothing gets a girl hotter than a sharp, trendsetter in the know on the latest Hip Sips . . .ok maybe a set of washboard abs and a Black Amex Card, but neither of those is readily available for under $50 bucks at the local corner liquor shop. So when you’re done cranking out crunches, and listing the bullsh*t jobs (ahem) I mean – “Valuable Work Experience” on your resume, run down to your nearest booze peddler, hold him down and force him to order these brands for your home bar. (more…)

Affliction officials confirm, “He tested positive for a banned substance (2a-methyl-5a-androstan-3a-ol-17-one). The athletic commission will not reinstate his license.”

With a “no comment” when asked about a Sherdog report that Vitor Belfort and Bobby Lashley were the two potential opponents for Fedor on August 1. Also, no one would speculate on whether a deal could be worked out to have Fabricio Werdum, whose August 15 fight with Alistair Overeem was canceled yesterday, might be Fedor’s opponent.

When asked what he’d like to say to MMA fans, Tom Atencio answered, “Just look for updates… I’m working on getting the best replacement possible.”

This could be a BIG blow for Affliction, who was looking for the Fedor/Barnett fight to match the buzz of the now infamous Mir/Lesnar fight. We know that everyone wants Bobby Lashley to be fed the title like Lesnar was, but to throw him to Fedor too soon could be killing the potential cash cow.

It is time for “Black-on-Black” violence in The Ultimate Fighter, as Rampage Jackson so eloquently put it. The upcoming season will be one of the highest rated ever, with the cast listing that has been put together.

Sure, it features Rashaad Evans and Rampage as the coaches. Hopefully this time around, Rampage can keep from starting a high-speed car chase in his custom truck with his face and sponsors plastered on the side.

Unlike Brock Lesnar and his inability to grasp hype from his fragile little ego, however, the smack talk between Rampage and Rashaad is OBVIOUSLY part of the show. Rashaad throws out legit smack and then Rampage says something that just makes you laugh. They look like 2 guys who get in each others’ face, and then one of them cracks up causing both to laugh their asses to the bank.

The cast list for season 10 is pretty brilliant, with some standing out a little better than others. The obvious Kimbo Slice, but others more of a snicker than a gasp.

• Zak Jensen: Standout wrestler at Augsburg College (I don’t know where that is either)
• Marcus Jones: Former 1^st round NFL draft pick who had a six-year career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Scott Junk: Division II All-American football player at Southwest Oklahoma State and fought in UFC 76.
• James McSweeney: Former international kickboxing and Muay Thai champion (International Bad Ass)
• John Madsen: Defeated Brock Lesnar in a high school wrestling match (Yeah…too bad we aren’t still in high school)
• Matt Mitrione: Played for New York Giants and Minnesota Vikings
• Roy Nelson: Former IFL Heavyweight Champion
• Demico Rogers: High school football and wrestling star
• Brendan Schaub: Played for Buffalo Bills and Arena Football’s Utah Blaze
• Darrill Schoonover: Decorated Army veteran (Will be rooting for this dude, but doesn’t have much of a chance)
• Wes Shivers: Former member of the Tennessee Titans and Atlanta Falcons
• Wes Sims: Fought two heated battles with former UFC champ Frank Mir at UFC 43 and UFC 46
• Kimbo Slice: Former EliteXC heavyweight contender (Press release says “YouTube Sensation,” but I had to cut that out)
• Abe Wagner: Played linebacker at Michigan Tech and has a degree in mechanical engineering (If the house has electrical issues, he will be the man)
• Mike Wessel: UFC veteran and former strength and conditioning coach at University of Arkansas
• Justin Wren: All-American high school wrestler

Brock beat up Frank Mir something pretty bad.

He THEN proceeded to: threaten ring security, flip off the crowd, curse and scream at his defeated opponent, and yell “F@$k you in the ass” to Frank Mir’s family. Even in the interview, as he received loud boos for being EVERYTHING that the MMA sport has worked to prevent, we kept saying that he loved the boos.

Hey Brock, you are not in the WWE anymore. You are not fighting Papa Shongo. You, in one night, set the MMA world back 10 years. Brock is everything that no one wanted to see in MMA, a big burly white trash over-steroided douchebag who has no respect for the discipline and sport of martial arts.

Go home Brock. Bang your 50 year old-looking wanna-be stripper wife, and go back to WWE. You are going to ruin a sport that has worked too hard to get where it is. Even Kimbo had better ring generalship and respect for the sport.

Please go ride your Harley without a helmet. I never thought I would say this, but hopefully Kimbo gets through TUF and brings some class back to the heavy weights.

UPDATE:

By now, everyone has had time to cool off, yours truly included. It is important to note several things. Brock has apologized, though half-hearted and a little more of a business apology than a personal one. We also received a phone call claiming potential defamation from Brock Lesnar’s people. Charming.

The facts are plain and simple. Before every fight, the participants are asked inflammatory interview questions. It is designed to inspire the casual MMA fan to fork over $44 USD for the PPV broadcast. No fight, could have POSSIBLY had badder blood than more smack than the last Tito Ortiz/Ken Shamrock fight. Hands down, no arguments. At the end of that fight, after some mild showmanship from Tito – nothing campared to Brock’s hissy fit, Tito and Ken hugged and spoke well of each other. Whatever drama the Lesnar camp is referring to, when they speak of Frank Mir’s comments, can only shadow in comparison in the aforementioned press sh*t-show. Frank Mir made comments and Brock Lesnar made comments. Brock won by face-smashing. The other facts are that Brock would note touch gloves at the beginning of the fight – ok I guess. At the end of the fight, Brock: flipped off the crowd, violated sponsorship agreements, got in Mir’s bloody face and yelled at his family. These are facts.

To flip off a crowd that paid money to see you fight and to get in your downed opponent’s face – is unsportsmanlike and classless.

To act like a spoiled child (though a 300lb child) and stomp around the ring because you “aren’t getting the respect you deserve” – makes you a punk.

Respect is earned. Yes Brock Lesnar, you hold the title. You have also fought under 10 fights. At 10 fights, you can make the respect argument. In the meantime, wave to the crowd, please the sponsors, shake hands and kiss Dana White’s ass for handing you the UFC Heavyweight title. You have defended well so far, but wait for 10 fights and respect will come.

Oh yeah, threats for calling you a classless punk when it is justified…not a good start.

Just in case you thought that Catholics weren’t bat-sh!t insane enough, here is another sign that the end is near. Father Alberto Cutié, who we will now refer to as Alberto, was kicked out of St. Francis de Sales parish on Miami Beach the same day photos of Alberto getting sexy with a 26-year-old woman hit the public. (more…)

At this point, we have all heard of the pending technological apocalypse that will be delivered by the last source we ever thought. Not Apple, Microsoft, or the Peoples Democratic Republic of Korea, but rather – the sun.

Oh yes! Screw what the hippies say, the sun is  public enemy #1. If we could, we should blow it up…or at least try…like Superman-IV-style. The sun is not trying to kill us yet, but it is trying something worse. The sun, the giver of light and life (sorry creationists), is trying to destroy our entire technological infrastructure. Imagine more than a million people without power, the distribution of drinkable water disrupted, transportation, communication and banking upset. In short, trillions of dollars in damage that everyone thought would come with Y2K. (more…)

Now that the President has shown everyone in the world what $8 Billion worth of military and interrogation research can yield, it is time we ponder where the money was best spent. Yeah, yeah, yeah – waterboarding seems to  get top billing, but if the 9/11 mastermind can withstand over 200 sessions, the alternates should really get a chance in the limelight.

The goal of these ‘interrogation techniques’ is, after all, to establish a ‘baseline,’ a state in which the detainee has accepted that they have absolutely no control over basic human needs – similar to living in West Virginia or being a fat stripper. The three basic techniques are: nudity, sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation, but when combined with other particular activities, our friends at the CIA have found some of the most valuable combinations for interrogation.

1. “Dick in a Box” – (CIA terms: Hyper-spatial Excrement-induced Dehydration)

Once sleep deprivation has hit the 180-hour limit, and Richard Q. Terrorist is still not talkative – you put Dick in a box. A box large enough to support the “seated fetal position.” Now insert said terrorist with nothing on but a diaper…yes…a diaper. When he/she are hungry, they will find a little tube inserted at the top of box where liquid nourishment is provided. This liquid has all of the yummy nutrients any growing jihadist needs, except in most cases one extra ingredient is added – a diarrhetic. Ah yes, we all like the scent of our brand, but after 180 hours of uncontrollable spewing of liquid pooping in a poorly ventilated box – I imagine I might be willing to talk about almost anything.

2. “Say Hello to my Little Friend” – (CIA terms – Hyper-spatial Phobia-induced Shock)

The box seemed like a lot of fun – so let’s see how we can expand upon that. After much evaluation, we can find some things that terrify our friend Richard. Most common things, according to the CIA, are rodents, bugs and snakes. I always thought circus clowns should have been on that list as well, but I guess the logistics of sticking a naked, diapered, clown in the box with you teeters on every violation imaginable. Anyway, the other three seemed to work well enough for them. The protocol is forcing the detainee to observe the feared animal/insect from a distance, but no more than 6 feet away. The observed threat should preferably be of a poisonous nature: bees, a rattlesnake, a large hungry rat. After about 48 hours of observation and sleep deprivation, “LET’S HEAD TO THE BOX!” Keep in mind, there needs to be absolute darkness in the box. Once our detainee is in the box, insert the animal/insect – but not the same one that he/she has been looking at. Insert a non-lethal version, i.e. – large flies, a hamster or a garner snake with a well designed rattle attachment. Hijinx ensue.

3. “I Piss on You…Drip Drip Drip” – (CIA terms: Stress Positioning with Water Reinforcement)

Water has many more uses than just the waterboard. I mean, REALLY! It is not just a one-trick-pony. Let’s say you have been drinking poop-inducing shakes for days, just standing around with a blinding hood over head. In most cases, this would be relaxing, but not when you are with the top CIA interrogators. At this point, you are forced to hold an uncomfortable or straining position for up to 180 hours while they spray you with water. This is sometimes accompanied with ‘walling,’ but let’s just stick with the water for now. While in this position, being sprayed, the water will vary from balls-cold to colder-than-balls to lastly, balls-have-retreated-back-into-my-body-cold. The result is such complete muscle failure, that bodily functions cease to work naturally. As if being tired was not enough, having non-functional sphincter control seems like that last natural defense of complete humiliation.

After all of these techniques are used, the CIA is convinced that Richard Q. Terrorist will feel so endeared towards you that he will tell you anything. Favorite color, likes/dislikes, even his Facebook password. BFF.

This sucks.

I busted my ass, did well in school, made smart choices. Now, I am graduating after four years of college that I paid for all myself – not through selling my “virginity” – but through loans. Now what? There are no jobs in the major markets that are even marginally appealing to anyone. I am not lucky enough to have parents who can float me for a year. My dad is a construction worker, but no offense, I am not graduating cum laude to do construction – sorry. I am just not sure I have a choice. But here are the few choices for graduating seniors I could scrounge together:

1. Everyone and their little cheerleader sister are heading to grad school. They don’t even know what for, but they took their GRE, MCAT, GMAT and every other test acronym I can think of. The upside is a delay for entering reality and you can push loan repayment for another 3 years or so, but F&*$ THAT! I need a break from school. I would love to actually get out of the academic world for at least a brief stint. Not writing off grad school totally, but I need about 2 years to figure out what I want to do. That degree in Finance, with a concentration in structured finance, that I am about to get isn’t worth the paper it is printed on. Thanks to my academic adviser! Way to steer me into a stable high growth industry.

2. A couple of my friends are determined to enter the military. Right now, there are serious incentives for entering the military. $10,000 in cash, money for grad school, and they will repay a portion of your school loans. Not too shabby, but we are talking about the military. Let us be straight, the US Military is not the beloved treasure it once was. My brother was in the Army and said he would help repay my loans for me before I join the military. Though tempting, I can’t take him up on it. Even though it will TOTALLY suck, it buys me 3 – 5 years, travel (to a desert somewhere in the Middle East), and serious help with school loans. The other upside is that as college graduates, we jump 5 pay-grades to an E-6 (Staff Sergeant) after training. Obviously I am trying to talk myself into this one – but it just seems drastic.

3. My girlfriend wants to join the Peace Corp, but with the way people LOVE Americans right now, I feel like that is joining the military without being given a gun. I hear stories about people who serve in the Peace Corp and attacked in foreign countries…not cool. Albeit, two of the people I know attacked in Africa were girls – I am just leery of that whole system. There are good stories too. People who get to travel the world, gain different perspectives, and learn different languages. Also, loan deferment is good – but they pay next to nothing, and my family doesn’t have money to spot me. I almost feel like the PC is more for rich kids who don’t want to go into the family business just yet. Either way, language experience in Swahili or something like that is not exactly going to a huge resume builder.

4. So many people are now running to get certified with education credits so they can teach. I am not one of those. I can’t teach. I would want to bang hot high school schools and 6-year-olds annoy the piss out of me. Noble profession, just not for me.

5. The Priesthood or some other religious vocation? I will pick up the Rosetta Stone – Swahili edition before I do that. Again, don’t like 6-year-olds.

6. There is always the option to just suck it up. Suck it up, and try my luck out in the job market. The problem is that there are tons of people in there late 20s through their 50s competing for the same jobs. People with ridiculous experience right now. I read in FORTUNE that GE right now has 50-year-old former executives with MBAs and law degrees, applying for the same jobs as college graduates. One thing is for sure – I wouldn’t pick me.

Seriously though – if I missed an option, please let me know. Yes, the idea of porn star and circus performer did cross my mind, but again – trying to not waste the $70,000 I just spent on school.