Top 3 CIA Torture Techniques Besides Waterboarding

Now that the President has shown everyone in the world what $8 Billion worth of military and interrogation research can yield, it is time we ponder where the money was best spent. Yeah, yeah, yeah – waterboarding seems to  get top billing, but if the 9/11 mastermind can withstand over 200 sessions, the alternates should really get a chance in the limelight.

The goal of these ‘interrogation techniques’ is, after all, to establish a ‘baseline,’ a state in which the detainee has accepted that they have absolutely no control over basic human needs – similar to living in West Virginia or being a fat stripper. The three basic techniques are: nudity, sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation, but when combined with other particular activities, our friends at the CIA have found some of the most valuable combinations for interrogation.

1. “Dick in a Box” – (CIA terms: Hyper-spatial Excrement-induced Dehydration)

Once sleep deprivation has hit the 180-hour limit, and Richard Q. Terrorist is still not talkative – you put Dick in a box. A box large enough to support the “seated fetal position.” Now insert said terrorist with nothing on but a diaper…yes…a diaper. When he/she are hungry, they will find a little tube inserted at the top of box where liquid nourishment is provided. This liquid has all of the yummy nutrients any growing jihadist needs, except in most cases one extra ingredient is added – a diarrhetic. Ah yes, we all like the scent of our brand, but after 180 hours of uncontrollable spewing of liquid pooping in a poorly ventilated box – I imagine I might be willing to talk about almost anything.

2. “Say Hello to my Little Friend” – (CIA terms – Hyper-spatial Phobia-induced Shock)

The box seemed like a lot of fun – so let’s see how we can expand upon that. After much evaluation, we can find some things that terrify our friend Richard. Most common things, according to the CIA, are rodents, bugs and snakes. I always thought circus clowns should have been on that list as well, but I guess the logistics of sticking a naked, diapered, clown in the box with you teeters on every violation imaginable. Anyway, the other three seemed to work well enough for them. The protocol is forcing the detainee to observe the feared animal/insect from a distance, but no more than 6 feet away. The observed threat should preferably be of a poisonous nature: bees, a rattlesnake, a large hungry rat. After about 48 hours of observation and sleep deprivation, “LET’S HEAD TO THE BOX!” Keep in mind, there needs to be absolute darkness in the box. Once our detainee is in the box, insert the animal/insect – but not the same one that he/she has been looking at. Insert a non-lethal version, i.e. – large flies, a hamster or a garner snake with a well designed rattle attachment. Hijinx ensue.

3. “I Piss on You…Drip Drip Drip” – (CIA terms: Stress Positioning with Water Reinforcement)

Water has many more uses than just the waterboard. I mean, REALLY! It is not just a one-trick-pony. Let’s say you have been drinking poop-inducing shakes for days, just standing around with a blinding hood over head. In most cases, this would be relaxing, but not when you are with the top CIA interrogators. At this point, you are forced to hold an uncomfortable or straining position for up to 180 hours while they spray you with water. This is sometimes accompanied with ‘walling,’ but let’s just stick with the water for now. While in this position, being sprayed, the water will vary from balls-cold to colder-than-balls to lastly, balls-have-retreated-back-into-my-body-cold. The result is such complete muscle failure, that bodily functions cease to work naturally. As if being tired was not enough, having non-functional sphincter control seems like that last natural defense of complete humiliation.

After all of these techniques are used, the CIA is convinced that Richard Q. Terrorist will feel so endeared towards you that he will tell you anything. Favorite color, likes/dislikes, even his Facebook password. BFF.

Idol Girls Before They Were Wor”Sheep”ed

First Performances From When they were Just everyday Girls

American Idol is in full swing again, and that means a bunch of dumbasses making fools of themselves on national television. Good times, all around. But while many of the people that show up for the audition are about as talented as a nut sack, some of them truly rocked the house . . .and were a major score if you heard that singing – albeit without actual lyrics – in your bedroom (I would especially defile Ms. Clarkson.)

So to remember the few to pass through the audition gauntlet unscathed by Simon Cowel’s “bullocks-headed-ness”, we’ve put together a video compilation of all the first auditions of the notable acts to come out of the American Idol star-machine. This is the first time America ever got a glimpse of these talented individuals, before the PR machine took over and your grandmother started wearing screen-printed sweatshirts of their faces. Read more

Don’t Cologne It a Comeback!

In the 70s, the mainstreaming of pungent odors like Old Spice and Hai Karate delivered a boost to masculinity that could only be rivaled by Viagra. Things were good. The ladies loved the hairy chest, man-scent and musk ruled supreme. The 80s came along and brought with it ET and the growth of androgynous boy-like sex icons – aka Johnny Depp and Kevin Bacon. It was getting scary. Davidoff and Cool Water made some feel like there was an inside joke going around that not everyone was privy to.

Then it happened; a 90s scenting-schism of theological proportion took hold with the dawn of odors like Drakkar, Joop and CK One. This coincided with the resurgence of patchouli, as many scent-conscious males would rather have smelled like a hippie-vegan-douche, than wear any of the aforementioned fragrances.

Today, we witnessing the age of enlightenment when it comes to proper scenting. Over-fragranced body washes are great if you are a stripper in a developing nation, but a little obnoxious if we are sharing a slow elevator to the 10th floor. If you are still wearing any of the above “colognes,” you need to stop now and keep reading.

No man needs a library of colognes, but every man should have at least one good standby, something for the ladies-type cologne. We have compiled a couple of list of essential haves and have-nots when it comes to proper straight male scenting.

HUGO Element is the closest thing to a wing man smell as you can find. It is reliable. Element is like that friend that promised he wouldn’t drink, so you could party. On the Something For the Ladies (SFL) scale, it will consistently push you a half-level out of your league. If you follow the link, you can score a sample. One bottle should last you a year to a year and half. If you go through the bottle in less time, you need to ease up and read about ‘diminishing marginal utility.’

If you want confuse women as to whether or not you are into dudes, FIERCE by Abercrombie and Fitch is for you. It will tell people, “I may be bi-curious, but I am definitely a Tyra fan!” Don’t get me wrong, Abercrombie is the shopping mall haven for rich jailbait – but when it comes to SFL scale, FIERCE will take to you automatic androgeny.

Sometimes, you just want to be alone. You want to live by yourself, eating frozen dinners and watching old Discovery Channel specials. We have all been there. If by chance, you are a good looking, charming guy – you’ll find that alone time is hard to come by. That’s ok – we have 2 scenting for you. The first, and harder to come by, is hopping on a flight to Hoth, killing a TaunTaun and then crawling into its body cavity. The other option, is Drakkar Noir.

South Park’s (Too Many Minorities) Not My Water Park [Video & Lyrics]

Out of the myriad of things wrong with today’s society, we need to thank Matt and Trey for calling attention to one of the greatest underlying causes of racial tension in the United States. Urination etiquette is of course the underlying issue, but as we all learned last night – there are just too many minorities in our waterparks. (To be fair though, there are a growing number of fat white people wearing t-shirts in the pool as well.)

(Check Out The Full Episode Here)

Not My Water Park – Lyrics

What has happened to this place
I don’t recognize it anymore
It used to be so fun and special
What is life worth living for

The dream is dead
Our land is gone
There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t go on

There are too many minorities (minorities)
At my water park (my water park)
This was our land, our dream (our dream)
and they’ve taken it all away

They just keep coming and coming (minorities)
I tried to go and tell the police
But even the authorities
Are minorities (are minorities)
At my water park

There’s no place for me to sit anymore
And the lines just keep getting crazier
There are Mexicans all around me
The lazy river has never been lazier

It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide
And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!)

There are too many minorities (too many)
At my water park (somebody do something)
Where did they all come from
Why can’t they leave this land alone

And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying)
We looked the other way too long
We’ve got to change our priorities
And get all these minorities
Out of my water park

(Minorities) Mexicans and Asians
Black people
I think I even saw Native Americans (gross)

God I’m asking please
Get all of these minorities
Out of my water park (my water park)

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Shogun Robbed by Machida at UFC 104

I am not sure who Lyoto Machida has naked pictures of, but the karate kid got sodomized by Shogun Rua tonight – and somehow walked out with the title.

The Staples Center crowd showered down a chorus of boos as Machida retained the UFC Light Heavyweight title. Retained is a loose phrasing. They put the belt back on his waist, but from this point forward – it is a joke.

Shogun “I Have No Conditioning” Rua quite literally kicked the sh*t out of him. Machida’s legs and body were as red as a baboon’s ass, but whatever he had on the UFC was enough for him to hold onto the title. I could see if Tiger Shulman’s was a sponsor or something, but it was sad.

Josh Barnett Pulled From Fight with Fedor Emelianenko

Affliction officials confirm, “He tested positive for a banned substance (2a-methyl-5a-androstan-3a-ol-17-one). The athletic commission will not reinstate his license.”

With a “no comment” when asked about a Sherdog report that Vitor Belfort and Bobby Lashley were the two potential opponents for Fedor on August 1. Also, no one would speculate on whether a deal could be worked out to have Fabricio Werdum, whose August 15 fight with Alistair Overeem was canceled yesterday, might be Fedor’s opponent.

When asked what he’d like to say to MMA fans, Tom Atencio answered, “Just look for updates… I’m working on getting the best replacement possible.”

This could be a BIG blow for Affliction, who was looking for the Fedor/Barnett fight to match the buzz of the now infamous Mir/Lesnar fight. We know that everyone wants Bobby Lashley to be fed the title like Lesnar was, but to throw him to Fedor too soon could be killing the potential cash cow.

The Ultimate Fighter Season 10 Cast

It is time for “Black-on-Black” violence in The Ultimate Fighter, as Rampage Jackson so eloquently put it. The upcoming season will be one of the highest rated ever, with the cast listing that has been put together.

Sure, it features Rashaad Evans and Rampage as the coaches. Hopefully this time around, Rampage can keep from starting a high-speed car chase in his custom truck with his face and sponsors plastered on the side.

Unlike Brock Lesnar and his inability to grasp hype from his fragile little ego, however, the smack talk between Rampage and Rashaad is OBVIOUSLY part of the show. Rashaad throws out legit smack and then Rampage says something that just makes you laugh. They look like 2 guys who get in each others’ face, and then one of them cracks up causing both to laugh their asses to the bank.

The cast list for season 10 is pretty brilliant, with some standing out a little better than others. The obvious Kimbo Slice, but others more of a snicker than a gasp.

• Zak Jensen: Standout wrestler at Augsburg College (I don’t know where that is either)
• Marcus Jones: Former 1^st round NFL draft pick who had a six-year career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Scott Junk: Division II All-American football player at Southwest Oklahoma State and fought in UFC 76.
• James McSweeney: Former international kickboxing and Muay Thai champion (International Bad Ass)
• John Madsen: Defeated Brock Lesnar in a high school wrestling match (Yeah…too bad we aren’t still in high school)
• Matt Mitrione: Played for New York Giants and Minnesota Vikings
• Roy Nelson: Former IFL Heavyweight Champion
• Demico Rogers: High school football and wrestling star
• Brendan Schaub: Played for Buffalo Bills and Arena Football’s Utah Blaze
• Darrill Schoonover: Decorated Army veteran (Will be rooting for this dude, but doesn’t have much of a chance)
• Wes Shivers: Former member of the Tennessee Titans and Atlanta Falcons
• Wes Sims: Fought two heated battles with former UFC champ Frank Mir at UFC 43 and UFC 46
• Kimbo Slice: Former EliteXC heavyweight contender (Press release says “YouTube Sensation,” but I had to cut that out)
• Abe Wagner: Played linebacker at Michigan Tech and has a degree in mechanical engineering (If the house has electrical issues, he will be the man)
• Mike Wessel: UFC veteran and former strength and conditioning coach at University of Arkansas
• Justin Wren: All-American high school wrestler

Brock Lesnar Acted Like a Classless Punk

Brock beat up Frank Mir something pretty bad.

He THEN proceeded to: threaten ring security, flip off the crowd, curse and scream at his defeated opponent, and yell “F@$k you in the ass” to Frank Mir’s family. Even in the interview, as he received loud boos for being EVERYTHING that the MMA sport has worked to prevent, we kept saying that he loved the boos.

Hey Brock, you are not in the WWE anymore. You are not fighting Papa Shongo. You, in one night, set the MMA world back 10 years. Brock is everything that no one wanted to see in MMA, a big burly white trash over-steroided douchebag who has no respect for the discipline and sport of martial arts.

Go home Brock. Bang your 50 year old-looking wanna-be stripper wife, and go back to WWE. You are going to ruin a sport that has worked too hard to get where it is. Even Kimbo had better ring generalship and respect for the sport.

Please go ride your Harley without a helmet. I never thought I would say this, but hopefully Kimbo gets through TUF and brings some class back to the heavy weights.

UPDATE:

By now, everyone has had time to cool off, yours truly included. It is important to note several things. Brock has apologized, though half-hearted and a little more of a business apology than a personal one. We also received a phone call claiming potential defamation from Brock Lesnar’s people. Charming.

The facts are plain and simple. Before every fight, the participants are asked inflammatory interview questions. It is designed to inspire the casual MMA fan to fork over $44 USD for the PPV broadcast. No fight, could have POSSIBLY had badder blood than more smack than the last Tito Ortiz/Ken Shamrock fight. Hands down, no arguments. At the end of that fight, after some mild showmanship from Tito – nothing campared to Brock’s hissy fit, Tito and Ken hugged and spoke well of each other. Whatever drama the Lesnar camp is referring to, when they speak of Frank Mir’s comments, can only shadow in comparison in the aforementioned press sh*t-show. Frank Mir made comments and Brock Lesnar made comments. Brock won by face-smashing. The other facts are that Brock would note touch gloves at the beginning of the fight – ok I guess. At the end of the fight, Brock: flipped off the crowd, violated sponsorship agreements, got in Mir’s bloody face and yelled at his family. These are facts.

To flip off a crowd that paid money to see you fight and to get in your downed opponent’s face – is unsportsmanlike and classless.

To act like a spoiled child (though a 300lb child) and stomp around the ring because you “aren’t getting the respect you deserve” – makes you a punk.

Respect is earned. Yes Brock Lesnar, you hold the title. You have also fought under 10 fights. At 10 fights, you can make the respect argument. In the meantime, wave to the crowd, please the sponsors, shake hands and kiss Dana White’s ass for handing you the UFC Heavyweight title. You have defended well so far, but wait for 10 fights and respect will come.

Oh yeah, threats for calling you a classless punk when it is justified…not a good start.

Catholic Priest Bangs Hot Chick, Gets Fired [Photos]

Just in case you thought that Catholics weren’t bat-sh!t insane enough, here is another sign that the end is near. Father Alberto Cutié, who we will now refer to as Alberto, was kicked out of St. Francis de Sales parish on Miami Beach the same day photos of Alberto getting sexy with a 26-year-old woman hit the public. Read more

Communication After the “Technology Apocalypse”

At this point, we have all heard of the pending technological apocalypse that will be delivered by the last source we ever thought. Not Apple, Microsoft, or the Peoples Democratic Republic of Korea, but rather – the sun.

Oh yes! Screw what the hippies say, the sun is  public enemy #1. If we could, we should blow it up…or at least try…like Superman-IV-style. The sun is not trying to kill us yet, but it is trying something worse. The sun, the giver of light and life (sorry creationists), is trying to destroy our entire technological infrastructure. Imagine more than a million people without power, the distribution of drinkable water disrupted, transportation, communication and banking upset. In short, trillions of dollars in damage that everyone thought would come with Y2K. Read more

Graduation is Looming in May, Now What?

This sucks.

I busted my ass, did well in school, made smart choices. Now, I am graduating after four years of college that I paid for all myself – not through selling my “virginity” – but through loans. Now what? There are no jobs in the major markets that are even marginally appealing to anyone. I am not lucky enough to have parents who can float me for a year. My dad is a construction worker, but no offense, I am not graduating cum laude to do construction – sorry. I am just not sure I have a choice. But here are the few choices for graduating seniors I could scrounge together:

1. Everyone and their little cheerleader sister are heading to grad school. They don’t even know what for, but they took their GRE, MCAT, GMAT and every other test acronym I can think of. The upside is a delay for entering reality and you can push loan repayment for another 3 years or so, but F&*$ THAT! I need a break from school. I would love to actually get out of the academic world for at least a brief stint. Not writing off grad school totally, but I need about 2 years to figure out what I want to do. That degree in Finance, with a concentration in structured finance, that I am about to get isn’t worth the paper it is printed on. Thanks to my academic adviser! Way to steer me into a stable high growth industry.

2. A couple of my friends are determined to enter the military. Right now, there are serious incentives for entering the military. $10,000 in cash, money for grad school, and they will repay a portion of your school loans. Not too shabby, but we are talking about the military. Let us be straight, the US Military is not the beloved treasure it once was. My brother was in the Army and said he would help repay my loans for me before I join the military. Though tempting, I can’t take him up on it. Even though it will TOTALLY suck, it buys me 3 – 5 years, travel (to a desert somewhere in the Middle East), and serious help with school loans. The other upside is that as college graduates, we jump 5 pay-grades to an E-6 (Staff Sergeant) after training. Obviously I am trying to talk myself into this one – but it just seems drastic.

3. My girlfriend wants to join the Peace Corp, but with the way people LOVE Americans right now, I feel like that is joining the military without being given a gun. I hear stories about people who serve in the Peace Corp and attacked in foreign countries…not cool. Albeit, two of the people I know attacked in Africa were girls – I am just leery of that whole system. There are good stories too. People who get to travel the world, gain different perspectives, and learn different languages. Also, loan deferment is good – but they pay next to nothing, and my family doesn’t have money to spot me. I almost feel like the PC is more for rich kids who don’t want to go into the family business just yet. Either way, language experience in Swahili or something like that is not exactly going to a huge resume builder.

4. So many people are now running to get certified with education credits so they can teach. I am not one of those. I can’t teach. I would want to bang hot high school schools and 6-year-olds annoy the piss out of me. Noble profession, just not for me.

5. The Priesthood or some other religious vocation? I will pick up the Rosetta Stone – Swahili edition before I do that. Again, don’t like 6-year-olds.

6. There is always the option to just suck it up. Suck it up, and try my luck out in the job market. The problem is that there are tons of people in there late 20s through their 50s competing for the same jobs. People with ridiculous experience right now. I read in FORTUNE that GE right now has 50-year-old former executives with MBAs and law degrees, applying for the same jobs as college graduates. One thing is for sure – I wouldn’t pick me.

Seriously though – if I missed an option, please let me know. Yes, the idea of porn star and circus performer did cross my mind, but again – trying to not waste the $70,000 I just spent on school.

4 Sure-Fire Ways to End Up on the Terrorist Watch List

As the days of “fear” and “terror” being the only sellable news stories increase, we have all heard stories of people named “Johnson” and “Smith” at the top of the terrorist watch list. No matter how many 60 Minutes specials or Dateline exclusives, I can’t help but wonder how in the hell it happens.

The obvious reasons are that some “terrorists” have created false identities that just happen to be the same as ordinary citizens. It makes sense to me and, after all, what rational and reasonable government agent would put an innocent person on the most debilitating international list since Schindler’s?

In reality, this simple list of the potential troublemakers was designed to be a secret intel tool for investigation purposes. Unfortunately, it has morphed into a symbol of governmental inefficiency. Because people are inherently lazy, in leiu of doing any kind of elementary investigation, circumstantial evidence has become the norm for placement on this list.

Accordingly, there are several ways that an average joe can find himself on this list without even knowing it. That is, until they decide to buy a car, get on a plane, go to the grocery store or get a credit card (to start with).

1. Search at Your Own Risk

Compliments of the Patriot Act, several government agencies have the ability to track your internet search habits. Being that there are so many searches performed an hour, these agencies log keywords and look for combinations that they think are tied to you being a “terrorist.” For example, at risk search terms include “Anarchists Cookbook,” “bomb making,” “airport security,” and  “homemade plastic.” The days of Googling keywords out of inane curiosity are over.

Be careful what you search, how often you search it, and the combination of terms that you are searching. I think common sense will prevail, in that, if you THINK you shouldn’t be searching for something – it’s not worth it.

2. Last Minute Flights

If you are a frequent traveler, you are better traveling in patterns. Meaning, if you travel a lot to San Fran for work or a girlfriend, you are set. Last minute flights, however, are a sure-fire red flag. You can look forward to getting the dreaded “SSSS” on your boarding pass, which every now and then, is nothing but a hindrance that will delay your sitting in the terminal for an hour while your flight is delayed anyway.

It is important to note, patterns being what they are, after 12 – 15 instances you are officially red-flagged as a potential threat. At this point, you are dancing a fine line and should start planning your trips a little farther ahead of time because you will get a special security search tag every time you travel.

3. Don’t get Cute with names!

People are into have multiple name, like Ann Marie Madison Smith and other cute WASP-y sounding names. Unfortunately having multiple names is not a traditionally “American” tradition, at least that is what the government thinks. It would appear that terrorists like Abdul Mohammad Ishmael Zacowie have ruined it for the rest of us.

Having 2 first names or even worse, 2 first names and a middle as part of your “proper” name, increases your risk by a double digit percentage. The TWL system looks for multiple names and automatically raises a flag. Being cute-sy is not worth not it! Embrace being boring!

4. Email is not secure, don’t be a smartass!

To think that you are too unimportant for someone to scan you email might have been true 10 years ago. Alas, those days are gone. Many smartasses, especially around Spring Break time, think it will be unique to email friends with messages like, “If the F*&KING plane gets delayed like last year, just yell BOMB or FIRE so we can all get off and drink…”

Of course, on the level, any idiot with common sense will see it as frat banter. Unfortunately, the people overseeing are above average idiots and all they see on their screen is PLANE, BOMB, DELAYED, FIRE. Yeeeaaahhh…not pretty.

ObamaBerry: The Sectera Edge

NSA approved and about the size of an 1980′s calculator – it is as close to a BlackBerry as President Obama is going to get!

After a bunch of phone calls to the Ontario-based Research in Motion Ltd., they would neither confirm nor deny the type of phone “the Obama” is using. However, they sent us a price listing of the only PDAs that are NSA approved…and the list had one phone on it. I am not the smartest dude at COED, but even I can figure that one out.

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Fedor Emelianenko KOs Andre Arlovski

Speechless.

Arlovski had 4 inches in height, 10 lbs in weight, and a 3 inch reach advantage. Arlovski had speed and did a solid job, that helped him dominated the first minute and a half of the first round.

Within those first 90 seconds, Andre Arlovski got stoned. Soon after, he decided to try a flying knee (with his hands down) while Fedor was coming off the rope. The moment I saw the knee coming, the world stopped. Even Tito Ortiz, who could go down as the WORST ring announcer in the world, said, “Don’t do it!” Ironically, the next on the list for Fedor is Josh Barnett. If you don’t know who he is, he was a former UFC champion, and the next dude to get sodomized by Fedor Emelianenko in about 6 months.

Overall, these M1/Affliction events have the production value of a high school A/V club video. They have the wierdest F*$CKING annoucers in the world. Some dude from OZ, who couldn’t get a job in the Sopranos, and some other dude who sounds like Harvey Firestein – walking around the arena interviewing fans, is not my idea of informational reporting. I will take Joe Rogan over Tito Ortiz as an announcer, any day of the week.