5 Ways Tiger Can Win Back Elin

As far as celebrity scandals go the Tiger Woods’ “Sexcapades” are at the top of the list.  Unlike other celebrities (with the exception of Dennis Rodman who was found in bed with two women by his wife – Carmen Electra) Tiger didn’t just cheat with one woman but with a multiple of ten.  There are probably some women who have yet to surface.  This scandal is like the gift that kept giving to the tabloids, but what about the shattered marriage that Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren now need to work on?  As Tiger breaks his silence here are five ways he can win Elin back.

1)      Be more inclusive – Clearly Elin feels betrayed by all the lying, but she would feel so much better if Tiger included her in his sexcapades.  Next time Tiger steps out on the marriage, ask Elin to join in.  She wouldn’t feel left in the dark, and Tiger would be in bed with two women or as the French call it, “A good time”.

2)      Bring home a porn star – We have all heard how Tiger had sex with a porn star.  Maybe Elin doesn’t feel she can compete with someone of that sexual caliber.  Tiger could use his connections to bring home a porn star who could show Elin a few “tricks” of the trade. (I know it’s a dumb idea, but any chance you have to try to nab a threesome I say, “Take it”)

3)      Pay her – Their prenuptial agreement called for Elin to receive $20 million after 10 years of marriage.  They say Tiger could have become the one athlete to gross one billion dollars.  Just write her a check for a few hundred million, it will be a lot more than she was making as a nanny.

4)      Tell her he was thinking of her – Even through all the affairs and lying just tell Elin that no matter what you were doing or who you were doing it with, you were always thinking of her.

5)      Buy her a diamond ring – When Kobe Bryant was busted for cheating on his wife Vanessa he bought her a $4 million 8 carat purple diamond ring.  Now look at that happy couple.  They could be on brochures advertising Disney World.

Canadian Olympic Team Will Win Gold or No Beer

To say that Canada loves hockey is as big an understatement as saying Charlie Sheen likes whores.  Kids are raised believing that hockey is the greatest sport and that if you don’t play it you will be labeled a loser in high school, never get a date, and be forced to take your sister to prom.  So the upcoming Vancouver Olympics present a scary dilemma for the Canucks, what if Team Canada does not win the gold medal?  Steve Yzerman, the Executive Director, has put his trust in his roster and from the looks of it, there is only one foe standing in their way.

Crosby

The Canadian roster is looking pretty solid.  They’ve managed to pair experience like Scott Niedermayer, Martin Brodeur and Chris Pronger with a younger force in Jonathan Toews, Sidney Crosby, and Drew Doughty.  Their goal scoring is top notch with Crosby, Dany Heatley, and Rick Nash.  But like the Americans proved in 1980, it is possible to beat the best.  What if that happens?

http://www.hockeycanada.ca/index.php/ci_id/69669/la_id/1.htm

Nash

If Canada does not win hockey gold there will be a big drop in beer sales.  The only thing Canadians love more than hockey is their beer, and if you combine the two together it’s like hooking up with sisters on the same night.  There will be much beer consumed during the games but if Team Canada doesn’t win gold there won’t be any celebrating.  Canadians need beer to toast their team and the (hopeful) gold medal.  No gold medal means no toasts and no reason to get drunk.  Let’s be honest, without beer and hockey Canada doesn’t have much going for it.  Sure, they have socialized medicine and a lower crime rate but Canadians take that for granted.

The one team that poses some challenge for the Canadians is the Russian team.  With Alex Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin, and Ilya Kovalchuk, this team is so good they could all play by skating on only one leg and still barrel through most of the competition.  That final gold medal game between the Russians and Canadians will be one for the ages.  Here’s hoping the Canucks can pull out a win because without it they really have nothing to live for (until the NHL starts back up in March).

Spidey’s Smaller Bulge

After much back and forth between Sony and Sam Raimi the studio has decided to pull the plug on Spider-Man 4 in 2011 and instead reboot the series.  Rebooting sounds like a bad sex game involving Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket, but Sony intends to relaunch the Spidey series in 2012 with Marc Webb directing.  You might know Webb from the other blockbuster he directed, (500 Days) Of Summer.  That’s called sarcasm folks, because other than a few Green Day videos Marc hasn’t shot anything more expensive than his own wedding video.

The studio is counting on Webb’s ability to get in touch with the younger crowd, because the reboot involves Peter Parker heading back to high school when his manhood hasn’t fully developed yet and turned him into Spider-Man.  In fact, Amy Pascal Sony’s Chairman of Motion Pictures said “We wanted someone who could capture the awe of being in Peter’s shoes so the audience could experience his sense of discovery while giving real heart to the emotion, anxiety and recklessness of that age”.  It’s a good thing no one is making a movie about my “sense of discovery” in high school, it would be awfully lonely.

So in 2012 there will be a Spider-Man film that shows how Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man.  Didn’t I just see that in 2002?  And it was a pretty good film with a pretty good cast.  I get rebooting a failed film like The Hulk, but I don’t understand remaking a hugely successful film a mere ten years after it was released.  To make things even more interesting, Marvel comics had launched a whole new series where the characters were taken back to their origins called Ultimate Marvel.  But Ultimate Spider-Man was cancelled back in July 2009.  So the guys who created the character were not feeling the origin story anymore but the studio that paid them for the rights to the character is feeling it (again).

It’s too bad someone doesn’t call James Cameron and ask him to dust off his old treatment from the early nineties.  It probably doesn’t have any blue people in it, but I guarantee you there would be some sequences that would make a Na’vi tail stand at attention.  I’m not very excited about remaking a Spidey film I still remember and that had effects which still hold up today, but if Sony wants to bring Peter Parker back to high school and give him a little less bulge in the tights that’s their prerogative.