How To Lose Your Job At The Office Holiday Party [RENATA'S RECOS]

The office holiday party was originally intended to reward employees for a year of hard work, or to distract them from the fact no one’s getting a cash bonus. Since most people can see through this little ploy by upper management, it’s gone from an evening brimming with holiday cheer to a boozy night overflowing with alcohol-fueled antics. So, if you had a little too much fun at your company holiday party this year, here are some tell-tale signs that perhaps you should seek work elsewhere now, or enter witness protection.

10. You decided to try and drink your weight in free cocktails as retribution for being overworked and underpaid all year. Newsflash: it might’ve seemed like a good way to “stick it to the man,” but really all it did was ensure you woke up with a killer hangover.

9. You told Gary the I.T. guy that his fiancee is a “butter face.” Sure, you intended to compliment the fat bastard for dating up – he’s lucky he got a girl with a hot body at least – but all you did was make sure your browsing history will be reviewed and your personal emails will be reported to HR.

8. You told your coworkers that you were going to bring your girlfriend to the party, “but she knows how much I hate you pathetic losers so she bowed out.”

7. After landing yourself 8 beers deep, you destroyed company property (think Ron Livingston in “Office Space”) like a one-man wrecking ball and/or made inappropriate photo copies of your junk. And you emailed scanned photos of said junk to your coworkers and boss.

6. You admitted that you’re the *sshole who eats other people’s lunches out of the fridge – especially the ones marked with their names and “Do Not Eat” – and routinely heats up foul-smelling food in the break room.

5. While waiting outside for car service home you puked on your CEO’s shoes and/or all over the sidewalk.

4. While waiting outside for car service home you screamed at the top of your lungs, “I HATE THIS JOB!!!!!” within earshot of half of your department. Sounds ridiculous? I know people who have done it.

3. You made out sloppily with that hot chick in Accounting (or maybe she wasn’t that hot) while high-fiving your work buddies and slurring that you’ve been wanting to “tap that” for a while now.

2. You told your supervisor that you’re so glad your office has such a liberal policy about surfing soft porn sites and Internet gambling on company computers. This was met by his look of disgust and the sound of crickets…

1. While speaking to your boss’ boss, you fail to realize that his 15-year-older wife is, in fact, his wife. You came to this conclusion after commenting on how nice it was that he “brought his mother with him tonight.” Then, in an attempt to smooth things over, you compliment her on her “sweet ass” and say that she must be really good in the sack. Awesome.

If you managed to get out of your company holiday party without doing any of these things, you’re probably in the clear. You may still be the office idiot, but at least you don’t have to look for a new job elsewhere. But if not, don’t be surprised if you come in the next day, your email account is deactivated and you get a phone call from the head of HR.

Happy holidays everyone!

If you have any funny office holiday party stories, send them to tips@teamcoed.com.

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Clothes Make The Man, These Make Us Vomit [RENATA'S RECOS]

True story: I saw a guy getting off the subway recently wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.” After I finished vomiting in my mouth, I laughed and thought – he definitely doesn’t have a mirror. Or a girlfriend. But, it got me thinking about the things that no male should ever have in his wardrobe and I thought I’d pass along my female wisdom to help some brothas out. For your sake. No – that’s a lie, for our sake. We’re the ones who have to be seen with you in public after all.

9. Man Jewelry

That’s right, I said it, man jewelry. Most girls don’t like guys who wear more accessories than we do (unless you count those who flock to guys like The Situation and Pauly D, in which case bling away, my friend). Chicks don’t want to see you wearing chains, bracelets or rings that don’t come with a marriage license. Is your name Liberace? No? Then put down the baubles, boys, it’s not helping you get any action.

8. Studded Belts

Unless you’re the lead singer of The Strokes or play drums in Vampire Weekend this look is probably too indie rock for you to pull off. And speaking of rock stars….

7. Skinny Jeans

Call me crazy, but hooking up with a guy who either A) wears a smaller jean size than I do or B) needs nail polish remover to get his pants off because they’re practically painted on is a turn off. And it’s probably bad for your junk, too. If you’re on a record label, girls will probably make an exception to this rule, though.

6. Ironic T-shirts (see above)

A noteworthy addendum is that even fraternity tees can be deemed creepy if worn past age 30. Who wants to date the guy with the receding hairline wearing a shirt from the “Show us your panties” Greek Week event 2002? Not this girl.

5. Ripped Denim

There’s only one guy who ever got away with this and he was on TV with his sister named Blossom. Whoa!

4. Fedora Hats

Strictly reserved for anyone with the surname Jonas or Timberlake. Plus, they only work when accompanied by a pinstripe suit – and if you’re not Dick Tracy or wearing a Super Bowl ring this counts you out.

3. White Shoes

The Godfather of all male fashion flubs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, unless you’re a deckhand on the Love Boat, this is not acceptable footwear. You’re a man, damnit, act like one.

2. Red/Pastel/Plaid Pants or Loafers with no socks

Girls associate these things with guys who sip single-malt whiskey and have “the 3^rd” after their names *shudder*.

1. Tube socks with flip-flops

I never understood this. I mean, were you halfway towards putting your sneakers on and just gave up? Flip flops were meant to air out your feet. You’re totally defeating the purpose by covering them in socks.

Keep in mind, these are just my recommendations. You don’t have to follow them, just remember to walk 10 feet away from us in public if you don’t.

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How To NOT Get Laid At A Wedding [RENATA'S RECOS]

Want to better understand the female mind? Want to improve your chances of getting laid? Want to take a break from staring at boobies? Then we highly recommend checking out “Renata’s Recos” (as in Recommendations).

Who’s Renata?

She’s a single, sarcastic smartass who knows guys are a little stupid and girls are crazy. She likes guys who make her laugh, girls who don’t make other girls look bad, bars where girls can drink bottled beer without getting dirty looks and anyone who makes more pop culture references than she does.

Her inaugural post focuses on how to act at a wedding if you DON’T want to get laid. Enjoy!

Guys, if you’re looking to roll up on girls who are already half in the bag, wearing cleavage-y dresses and trying to forget they’re miles away from walking down the aisle themselves, a wedding is your perfect chance. If you play your cards right, it should be like shooting fish in a barrel. But since that’s a big should, the opportunity for things to go awry is heightened, so here’s what you should definitely NOT do. Ever. Under any circumstances.

1. Loudly ask the bride which one of her friends is most likely to “put out” at the wedding.

Chances are the trampy friends will be revealed after a few glasses of Chardonnay, it’s not like they’re going to raise their hands and identify themselves to you. At least I hope not.

2. Ogle, fondle or anything else ending with “le” any female generous enough to dance with you.

That’s assault, brotha, and to most of us it’s a turn off.

3. Forget her name.

Maybe it’s because I have the most ambiguously ethnic name ever, or just because boys have the memory retention skills of a Skittle, but once you’ve narrowed down which female you’d like to take down, I mean woo with your charm, you should at the very least remember her name. Even the most laid back chick among us will recoil if you mess up basic biographical information.

4. Attempt the old bait-and-switch.

Read: don’t roll up on one of our friends and make out with them by the coat check somewhere and then try to change your target and come after us a few beers later. Unless girl #2 is either a) blackout drunk or b) has major daddy issues this type of behavior will either get you a kick in the junk or a drink in the face, trust me.

5. Pout if you go home alone.

Seriously – if you’ve spent part of the night investing your time into tricking some girl into thinking you actually care what she’s saying, only to turn around and go all “belligerent Neanderthal” on us when your advances are rebuked, then you’ve made a grievous error. If you keep your cool and depart like a gentleman, you may actually have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting somewhere with her on the second date. Wait a second, who am I kidding, second date? Nevermind, moving right along…

THE REMAINING RECO: BE YOURSELF

I know, I sound like a bad after school special and I’m about one sweater vest away from being Danny Tanner on Full House, but it’s true. Whether you’re a nerd, a dumbass, Prince Charming, a criminal or the biggest d-bag in the room, there’s probably a girl out there who’s into that. Seriously, there is.  And when you find that elusive girl who actually likes you because of that thing – not despite it – hold onto her with both hands. And whatever you do, don’t forget her name.

Have questions for Renata? Send them to neal@teamcoed.com.

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