Decoding Girl Talk [Renata's Recommendations]

Everyone knows that girls are crazy.  Granted, it’s in varying degrees, but still – for the most part – crazy. They say things that they don’t mean. They infer things that they don’t outright say. It’s a mess. Compounding the chaos is that even after centuries of male/female interaction, you boys still don’t seem to pick up on our verbal fake outs, no matter how obvious. But if you know the secret meaning behind some of our go-to phrases, it’s as good as having a decoder ring for the female mind. What you do with that knowledge once you have it is up to you. All I can promise is to provide you with this handy dandy breakdown of some of our most notorious miscommunications.

“This doesn’t change anything”

Whether she’s referring to the recently acquired knowledge that you slept with a night light until you were 15, were a male cheerleader in high school or you’ve just suffered performance anxiety in bed, this one’s pretty clear; not only does whatever happened change things, but she now looks at you differently. Really differently. Sorry to be unsympathetic here guys, but I promised I’d give it to you straight.

“I really like you as a person”

Much like the commonly-used male standby, this one means either “I’m not attracted to you” or “I think I can/already have found someone hotter than you.” Either way she might as well have patted you on the head. Ouch.

“We can keep it casual”

She either isn’t very serious about you and is multi-tasking you, too or she secretly hates the idea that she doesn’t have your undivided attention and is actively shopping for your replacement. Most girls aren’t huge fans of being another notch on your belt – and if she’s OK with that you should seriously wonder why.

“It’s fine,” “I’m fine,” or anything with the word “fine”

Universal girl speak for “F*ck you.” Simple as that.

“I’m pretty tired” (insert forced yawn here)”

This means, “Take me home. Now.” And it also probably means you’re not getting any.

“Nothing…”

If she gives you the silent treatment, on a scale of 1 to bad, this one’s the hands down worst. Unlike fighting, being ignored by a girl means she no longer cares enough to even give you any more of her time (or she wants you to believe that). Either way – game over, boys. Thanks for playing.

I should  be careful not to give the impression that everything we say is a trick, or that everything we say has a negative undertone. This is just a jumping off point of blatant falsehoods. It rarely applies to people serious enough about each other to actually (gasp!) talk, and playing relationship Mad Libs can be avoided if you really try. Unlike guys, who would rather lay down in traffic than talk about anything at length – some girls are actually forthcoming about what’s in their heads. If you’re smart enough to ask, you might just score a straight answer. And if you still can’t read between the lines, there’s always that decoder ring…

Email your questions/comments to Renata at renataswriting@gmail.com or hit her up on Twitter (@upswinggirl)

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How To Pick Up Chicks At A Bar [Renata's Recommendations]

Bars are awesome places to pick up girls. Everyone looks his or her best – or at least presentable, one assumes. The lighting is sexy. Drinks are flowing. And women are on their way to a boozy state of euphoria where you are A) better looking and B) more charming/witty. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel – or at least it should be. But, if you’ve tried to approach the female species in her natural environment, you know that it’s also very easy to scare us off and humiliate yourselves in the process. So if you’ve ever watched your pick up lines fail spectacularly in front of strangers – or left solo after last call – this guide to the dos and don’ts of bar flirting is a must read.

DON’Ts

*Pretend you know us from somewhere.

Really, dude? Are you that unoriginal? Unless you actually do have the good fortune of having some affiliation with the hottie across the bar, please do not roll up on us asking if we went to X school or know X person. It’s an immediate sign that this is the best you’ve got – and it isn’t much.

*Try to dazzle us with parlor tricks.

True story: I’ve seen guys do magic twice in the past three months to impress girls. I don’t know if you boys haven’t gotten the memo yet, but unless your name is David Blaine, Criss Angel or Merlin the frigging Magician, no girl is going to be wooed by handkerchief acrobatics, coins behind our ears or slight of hand. The only trick she’ll want to see is you making yourself disappear. Immediately.

*Lead off with what you do for a living.

“Hi, I’m (fill in the blank WASP name), I work for Goldman Sachs (or fill in the blank financial firm), what do you do?” You know what we do? We gag. You’ve just told us you A) think we’re shallow and gold digging enough to be won over simply by your job title and B) are most likely a D-bag. Disclaimer: while I have many a kick ass guy friend who works in finance/banking/hedge funds, etc. not all of that crop of guys is known for being the most loyal boyfriends. So, play that card at your own risk and please stop reinforcing the stereotype.

*Check out other girls over our shoulder.

While it’s pretty obvious what you’re after if you’re hitting on chicks in bars anyway, stealing glances at that nice rack walking by will not win you points, and will almost certainly ensure that the bar stool next to you remains empty for the rest of the night.

*Utilize any known pickup line in any way, shape or form.

If we’ve heard it – no matter how clever – you’re pretty much dead where you stand. Fact.

*Tell us we have nice eyes, a beautiful smile or compliment our shirt.

They’re called cliches, and unless we’ve known you for long enough to believe that you might actually mean it, you’re going to come off like a sleaze ball for using a played out line.

DOs

Be normal. And yourself. If what caught your eye is that a girl is really pretty and you wanted to come over and introduce yourself, just say that. Another nice opening line? “Hi.” Yup, just…hi. If that line is accompanied by you chatting us up about how hard it is to get the bartender’s attention to order a drink, or apologizing for bumping into her (read: not intentionally colliding into her) this is also a seemingly benign way to approach girls.

The only method that I have ever been personally responsive to was the you-seem-cool-how-do-I-get-some-more-of-your-time-to-get-to-know-you? approach. Even then, it was after engaging in a disarming and non-creepy conversation with said harmless boy – and it is a rarity. The bar scene “meet market” can be fun, but just be prepared for any worthy girl to have her guard up and her friends at the ready to rescue her. After all, women still know what you’re after, but if we don’t think you’ll be shameless in the process, you just might get it. If not, all I can promise is that the only thing you’ll be picking up at the end of the night is your tab.

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How To Avoid The Friend Zone [RENATA'S RECOS]
5 Things Men Do That You Didn’t Know Women Hate [RENATA'S RECOMMENDATIONS]

5 Things Men Do That You Didn’t Know Women Hate [RENATA'S RECOMMENDATIONS]

Guys have some of the most fickle pet peeves. But, newsflash boys: So do we. Whether it’s something little like OD’ing on cheap cologne or something more substantial (manners and texting etiquette, anyone?), you may not even realize we’re paying attention – but we are. While male and female game killers are admittedly worlds apart, the idea of C-blocking yourself before you even get out of the gate isn’t. Here are some pitfalls to avoid, if you know what’s good for you.

Over Man-scape The Body

That’s right, I said it. Just like girls don’t want to feel like they’re bushwhacking through a jungle of your chest hair (I won’t even mention other places because I’m a lady) we also don’t want to wonder how many times a week you shave or wax until every last hair is off of your body. Different strokes for different female folks, but please find a middle ground between “looks like he’s wearing a sweater but he’s shirtless” action and completely hairless shiny bodybuilder physique.

Over Pluck The Eyebrows

While we’re on the topic of body hair, let me add that overly sculpted eyebrows are a no no. No girl wants to date a man who looks like the missing link, but we also don’t find freshly waxed brows particularly manly, either. Please find a happy medium between Geico caveman and Gotti brothers, thanks.

Flake Out

If you hooked up with a girl, took her out on a date (people do that?) or generally enjoy her company but then wait a week or more to follow up with a text/call, this does not bode well. Don’t worry about seeming overeager, most of us prefer you drop the game playing and make your feelings known (in a non-stalkerish overly clingy kind of way). If you’re not into her, disregard this suggestion and do the faze out, but if you want to stay in the game don’t be M.I.A.

Over Text

Likewise, solely relying on text messaging us (as opposed to calling or – God forbid – face time) is equally annoying. This is fine if you’re dealing with a casual booty call or established girlfriend, but not for meaningful exchanges and should not replace actual conversations. Get out from behind your mobile devices and man up.

Dress Horribly

I know I’ve touched on this before, but I neglected to emphasize the importance of things like fit and footwear. First of all – tight is not hot, so if your jeans are clingy or your shirt could looks like you found it in the 4-6X boys department, please revise. I’ve also known females to complain about “pilgrim shoes,” (i.e. pointy or box-toed loafers) so if your shoes make you look like you just stepped off the Mayflower, perhaps leave them behind. Or throw them overboard.

To be sure, this is only a superficial list of niggling issues. Major turnoffs like lying, cheating or comparing us to your ex-girlfriends pretty much go without saying – at least we hope. Guys may complain about these guidelines, but in the end A) we know you’re even pickier than we are and B) karma’s a b*tch, deal with it. You can still land a girl if you commit a faux pas or two…just as long as you’re not a repeat offender.

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5 Things Girls Want You To Do Without Asking [RENATA'S RECOS]
How To Avoid The Friend Zone [RENATA'S RECOS]
Top 10 Warning Signs She’s Miss Wrong [RENATA'S RECOS]

How To NOT Screw Up Valentine’s Day [RENATA'S RECOMMENDATIONS]

Girls like romance. Fact. And nothing says “overly commercialized holiday” like stores bombarding us with Valentine’s Day swag starting the day after New Years. But there’s a fine line between being a sappy cheese ball and totally blowing it with your beloved on the 14th. Even girls who hate the big V (not that one – get your minds out of the gutter) still want to feel the love, so long as it’s done in a tactful way. So if you’re at all concerned that cupid’s arrows may miss the mark this year, then keep reading.

Go big, but not too big

Sweeping gestures are great…except when they involve skywriting, jumbo-trons or anything else that screams, “I’m trying too hard.” We like it when a guy shows he’s into us, just as long as it doesn’t come with a heavy dose of public embarrassment (read: organizing a flash mob that spells her name is only a good idea if she’s quirky like that).

Think outside the (chocolate-filled) box

Personally, I hate the idea of a guy giving me a box of sugary temptation almost as much as I hate the additional hours of cardio required to counteract it. Plus, it’s just plain unoriginal. Maybe your girl is really into Swedish fish, or Pinkberry. Hell, maybe she really likes tacos. Whatever her treat of choice, perhaps it’s a better idea to put that into rotation and remove the Valentine’s cliches from the roster.

Don’t ignore it altogether

Even if your girlfriend says she hates everything Valentine’s Day stands for and doesn’t want to acknowledge it, do yourselves a favor and ignore her. There are girls who have spent many a holiday happily paired off (and thus have no reason to be sour towards it) who sometimes still shun it – present company included. This doesn’t mean she wants you to blow off any sign of affection, it just means she won’t won’t dock you points for not getting a reservation at Chateau Prix Fixe with the rest of the world. Bring her flowers or a card regardless – or else.

Know her style

Not every female wants three dozen long-stems and a gaggle of balloons delivered to her in front of her coworkers, friends or classmates. If she seems more low key, heed the message and adjust accordingly. If she always has fresh daisies in her apartment or prefers watching a game on date night, then maybe that’s your cue for gift ideas. Likewise, if she prefers wearing cotton and you buy her lace thigh-highs and a garter belt, this probably won’t go over well. Bucking the norm and showing her you’ve paid attention will score you more points.

Get creative

“It’s the thought that counts,” isn’t always a kiss off, sometimes girls actually mean it. Making us something with your own two hands shows that you put some forethought into it. Plus, if you happen to be really artistic, good with a guitar, or are a fabulous cook, this could be a great way for you to showcase your talents. Note: this shouldn’t include arts and crafts of the macaroni necklace variety (unless you met at summer camp). Attempting to get crafty could also backfire if your final product looks like a third grader made it or if you’re generally tight with money. Cheap isn’t romantic, dude.

Whether your Valentine is a new crush or a long-time partner, it’s safe to say that following these guidelines will serve you well. Unless of course you eff it up by referencing past Valentines (ahem, ex-girlfriends). Never a good idea. However you play it, just remember to wear your heart on your sleeve, boys. And make sure that sleeve’s attached to a clean shirt.

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How To Avoid The Friend Zone [RENATA'S RECOS]
Top 10 Warning Signs She’s Miss Wrong [RENATA'S RECOS]

Why Do Girls Like Jerks? [RENATA'S RECOMMENDATIONS]

Girls love dating A-holes, it’s a fact. DISCLAIMER: not ALL girls like guys who treat them badly – I myself have long since abandoned the bad boy prototype. But that doesn’t change the fact that at some point you’ve probably come across a chick you wanted to date (hook up with, whatever) who lacked interest in what you had to offer in favor of a grade A, certified D-bag. I’m not condoning her behavior, but I can at least shed some female insight into why some girls just can’t help but reinforce the idea that nice guys always finish last.

She sees him as a project

If this sounds bad, it’s because it is. Girls recognize that any guy they date will probably need some…tweaking in the behavior category. Some chicks thrive on the idea that they could be the one who gets a notorious womanizer-slash-jerk to finally see the error of his ways and settle down. These girls think if he’s into her enough he’ll reform. Newsflash: if he and the rest of his Outsiders like cruising around town, no amount of polish you put on him will turn that player into an altar boy.

She’s cool with being a doormat

This one’s equally pathetic, though entirely on the other end of the confidence spectrum, because it means she has no self-esteem. The girl who stays with a guy who walks all over her either has severe Daddy issues or doesn’t think she deserves any better. Either way, you don’t want her – trust me.

It’s purely physical

Hey, don’t think you guys are the only ones who tolerate BS from a girl because she’s smokin’ hot. Girls are the same way. If he’s insanely good looking or very talented in the bedroom, that’s enough to keep some girls hooked indefinitely.

He’s a baller

Power is an aphrodisiac for some ladies (cough*shallow broads*cough), so if he’s captain of the baseball team, big man on campus, has a pimp job – not to be confused with a job AS a pimp – or is the heir to a financial empire, she’ll take his abuse. Sad but true, boys.

She’s addicted to drama

For some reason that I’ve yet to pin down, some girls just looooove the constant roller coaster of a drama-filled relationship.  They need that chase. Sure, she’ll probably never get bored with him, but she’ll also lose her sanity, sense of judgment and the respect of her peers while she rides it out. The object of the game, boys, should be to find the chick who is allergic to game playing. If you find her, marry her.

FOOTNOTE

The footnote to this whole thing is that, while most girls at some point in their lives tangle with a jerk, they usually grow out of it. If the girl you’re into is still chasing after a slime ball well into her twenties (or later, yikes) you should A- tell her to stop whining and B- be glad you’re not the one dating her. After all, you only get treated the way you let people treat you. Words to live by.

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Top 10 Warning Signs She’s Miss Wrong [RENATA'S RECOS]
How To Avoid The Friend Zone [RENATA'S RECOS]
Clothes Make The Man, These Make Us Vomit [RENATA'S RECOS]

Girlfriend-Approved Porn Sites & Red Flags [RENATA'S RECOMMENDATIONS]

I recently had a conversation with some guy friends about the website Red Tube. Being female, I’d never heard of this site, so I decided to do a little research. It got me thinking… as much as guys love porn sites, their wives and/or girlfriends hate them. But what’s all the fuss really about, ladies?

So, I decided to sacrifice my search history and my eyesight (you cannot un-see this stuff, after all) for all the girlfriends out there to break down the good, the bad and the hideously ugly of porn sites. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Sites that weren’t, by comparison, as horrific as some of their counterparts (DISCLAIMER: ALL LINKS ARE NSFW OBVIOUSLY, CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!):

Red Tube

Free Porn

Hustlertube

Porn.com

Let me be clear…these sites were FAR from classy. This is my knee-jerk reaction to what I saw on the homepage. I didn’t (and couldn’t) fully navigate the entire site so I can’t be held accountable for what other videos the site hosts.

Rather than listing red flag sites that your boyfriend might be surfing (there are WAY too many out there) it’s better to list things that will make any reasonable female lose all respect for a guy for viewing.

RED FLAGS:

Underage Girls

If the girls look like they’re in middle school or still have braces on (I’m talking about you, Empflix), this reflects some seriously pedophilic tendencies. Girls generally don’t dig this.

Fetishes

Some fetishes are fine, i.e. Asian girls, little people (face it – it’s funny) or women in uniform. Some are not, i.e. anything having to do with pregnant women or bodily functions. I will not elaborate any further than that, I’m still traumatized by some of what I stumbled upon.

Animals Other Than 18+ Humans

If you get aroused by the pic above, seek therapy ASAP.

Forced or Rape-like Situations

For obvious reasons this would disturb most girls. I’m not talking about your regulation bondage sites, I’m talking about anything that simulates an actual crime. Yikes. Still want that D&G purse, ladies?

Premium Memberships (to any site)

If you are willing to pay money for a membership to get HD-quality video that you can stream on your television, this may signal an unnatural fixation with porn. Don’t be surprised if your girlfriend is unnerved that your level of commitment to sex sites is greater than your commitment to your actual relationship.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:

And that’s the basic rundown. I will give a dishonorable mention shout out to sites like Deviant Clip and All Giggles for making me wince – as opposed to the usual level of “Dear God I didn’t even know that was possible” reaction that most other sites gave me.

FINAL NOTE TO THE GUYS:

If your girlfriend still resists your penchant for porn, be willing to at least turn the mirror on yourself. Maybe she’s anti because your past behavior (ahem, cheating) only reinforces that you’re not-so-trustworthy. Or maybe she’s just really modest in this area. Whatever it is, it’s worthy of a conversation at the very least.

FINAL NOTE TO THE GIRLS:

Don’t fret. Most things are alright in moderation, and virtual promiscuity is better than real-life deviance. Use your judgment but recognize that garden variety porn site-surfing is pretty harmless for most guys. Just as long as it’s not creepy.

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5 Things Girls Want You To Do Without Asking [RENATA'S RECOS]
Clothes Make The Man, These Make Us Vomit [RENATA'S RECOS]

5 Things Girls Want You To Do Without Asking [RENATA'S RECOS]

Why do girls get annoyed that their man didn’t do something they wanted them to…even though they never actually spelled it out? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that guys are the furthest things from psychic – which is a problem for girls who want you boys to read their minds. Say one thing, mean another, expect you to read between the (completely unfair) lines. Bad idea. So, if you’ve failed at playing Houdini one too many times, or stared dumbfounded into the face of a disgusted girl, this list is dedicated to you.

5. Stop trying to fix it and let us vent

I know it goes against everything you guys stand for to hear a problem and not try to fix it or suggest a solution, but sometimes that’s the wrong answer. Sometimes we want you to be supportive, stop talking and just (brace yourselves here…) listen.

Is she having friend drama? Office turmoil? School issues? Zip it, boys, and just be a good listener while we get it off our chests. We just may appreciate you more if you say less.

4. Be willing to miss out on bro time once in a rare while

STOP RIGHT THERE – I know this sounds like, “ditch your friends and be whipped” but that’s not the message. Sometimes girls are crazy and tell you to go out with the guys instead of (insert an undesirable thing they want you to do here), but they’re lying. What they really want is for you to realize that if she says it’s OK, what she really means is, “I’m going to make your life miserable for this.” What she hoped was that you’d be considerate enough to at least be willing to forego said cooler plans. So if you feel like it’s a trap, it probably is – better to play it safe and ask if she wants you to stick by her side. Even if you still land a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, she’ll at least appreciate the offer – and you won’t get frozen out.

3. Do something thoughtful and unsolicited

It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but sometimes it’s nice to be sweet just because. You don’t have to buy her a dozen roses (that’s pretty unoriginal actually), it could be something small like bringing her caffeine when she’s hung over or letting her pick the movie this time. You guys have a tendency to give gifts that are less about us and more about you (lingerie and sports tickets are only altruistic if you’re dating Carmen Electra or Marv Albert), so showing us your thoughtful side could score you major points. Especially if we don’t have to ask.

2. Respect our right to be girly

Chicks don’t always wake up at our prettiest or look hot after a long night in a sweaty bar, so every so often we reserve the right to obsess over our appearance and do some major damage control.

If this requires us to be stealth and freshen up, please pretend like you don’t notice.

Call us crazy, but most of us would like to remain cute in your eyes at all times. OK fine…most of the time.

1. Know when to step up and when to step back

Times when you should keep a low profile: in family matters, girl issues or when doing anything that could get you arrested. It’s nice to defend our honor if some guy hits on us, just don’t start a brawl over it (bailing you out of the clink is not sexy). But there are times when we’d like you to take some initiative, and we may not always spell it out. Never make a girl make the first move, open her own car door or introduce herself to your friends/family/coworkers. That’s your job, boys. Don’t forget it.

Alas, you may never hone your psychic powers, but the trick is to find the girl who says what she means *most* of the time. And if you can’t find her, at least do the opposite of what she asks fifty percent of the time and you’re bound to get it right at some point.

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How To Lose Your Job At The Office Holiday Party [RENATA'S RECOS]
Clothes Make The Man, These Make Us Vomit [RENATA'S RECOS]

Top 10 Warning Signs She’s Miss Wrong [RENATA'S RECOS]

You know the drill, guys: meet a girl, think she might be fun to hang out with (read: get into bed), she seems cool for a little while and then out of nowhere BAM! – she turns into “that girl” and you’re back at square one. So here’s a list of indicators that Miss Right is going to turn into Miss “What Was I Thinking?” so you can spot her early and save yourself the time and effort of deleting her from Facebook and wiping her digits from her phone. You’re welcome.

10. She gives you a mushy nickname (that she says in front of other people) and/or talks in a baby voice with you more often than not. Why is this bad? Because she’s the girl who used to have the Kitten on a Tree Branch poster in her locker and she’ll turn into the girl who talks incessantly about her “princess wedding.” Run, boys, run.

9. She tries to make you go to a chick flick, shopping with her or to Sunday brunch with the girls. Any sane girl knows that guys don’t really want to see the Sex and the City movie, that shopping is right up there with dental work in men’s eyes, and that Sundays are for football and napping – end of story. Plus, guys don’t appreciate being emasculated in public, so any girl that ignores that fact should stay home and watch Lifetime Women’s Television on her own time.

8. She hits on your friends. It’s one thing to be mildly flirty, but if she’s wearing the shortest skirt in the room and sitting on your buddy’s lap, that should be a deal breaker. Any girl who disrespects you like that wants male attention more than the pleasure of your company, so write her number on the men’s room wall and drop her like a bad habit.

7. She never puts her hand in her pocket. I’m all for old-fashioned chivalry where guys pay for dinner, pull out chairs and buy girls flowers for no reason, but if she’s never once attempted to pay – or at least go dutch – then take it from Kanye, she’s a gold digger. Once the money’s gone, she will be too.

6. She texts or calls you a thousand times a day. Two words: restraining order. Ever since the advent of caller ID, even mildly crazy girls realize that this type of behavior will make them look off-the-charts psycho, so if she still doesn’t care and your phone blows up at 15 minute intervals all day long, she either doesn’t trust you or she’s a Stage 4 Clinger.

5. She wants you two to wear matching clothing or color-coordinate in any way. Do I even have to explain this one guys? See #10.

4. She makes man-hating or uber-feminist comments often. Don’t get this confused with girls who occasionally guy bash, because at some point all of us have. But if she blames everything in life on “worthless male pigs” or reminds you that men can be replaced, you might want to opt out. These chicks are easy to spot – they’re usually wearing Crocs, a Lillith Fair shirt or a combination of both.

3. She constantly talks about her ex boyfriends, past relationships or crazy family history. This tells you she has major issues and baggage, and unless you’re prepared to be a third party in your relationship, get out while the getting’s good.

2. She doesn’t respond to your texts, calls you by the wrong name or generally acts like she’s playing REALLY hard to get. Newsflash: guys aren’t the only ones who are players – girls can do it too. And if she’s acting like she’s not that into you, she might actually just NOT be into you. We know you like a chase, but this girl may not want you to follow her.

1. She’s not so much the life of the party as the party favor. If she can drink you and your friends under the table, or frequently wakes up post-parties on the pool table with beer in her hair and her bra missing, this is a very bad sign. No man wants to look at the girl standing across from him on his wedding day and wonder how many of the males in the audience have had a turn with her. She’s what’s called a lay-up, guys, and anything that’s that easy to get usually isn’t worth having in the first place.

Those are the facts – or rather, the red flags. I realize that any girl who displays any of these habits but happens to be Megan Fox-hot or has a smokin’ body will cause you to ignore these behaviors, but don’t say you haven’t at least been warned.

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How To Be The Best Wingman Ever
6 Pick-Up ‘Negs’ Every Guy Needs To Be Aware Of