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You know I love ice hockey. I think cheese is the one thing I love more than ice hockey. I loved it so much as a kid, I even enjoyed getting up at 4AM on Saturday mornings, giving up my cartoon time, for hockey practices. And I was a fat kid too. Hockey is not a friendly game to the fats.

I can understand when the fatter kids play soccer or basketball or are automatically a catcher in little league - but hockey is different. I have never seen a fat kid playing ice hockey. It is just unnatural, like sex after 60. You are constantly moving, you have about 20lbs of equipment on and you have to wear a restricting helmet with a mouth piece, which obstructs the wheezing. People could die.

What I have also never seen is an Asian hockey player. I know that black people have made great strides this past decade in their pursuit of dominating another American sport, but never an Asian. I think we Americans should make a conscious effort to get more Asians into hockey. There are many Asian-Americans in this country, so why not recruit them to one of the nation’s fondest sports?

I think this could work. By 2010, expect a brand new National Hockey Reague.

The Freckled Finger is an amazing site… check it out when you get a shot!

Amy Winehouse turned her Grammy into a makeshift crack pipe on Monday afternoon and was caught smoking out the prestigious music award.*

The artist’s depiction shows what it may have looked like if this incident was caught on camera.

I think things have gone far enough, Ms. Winehouse.

We get it, you are on crack… congratulations. We all know the Grammys are a joke, but to do this is a little much. I have seen some pretty resilient druggies in my day doing whatever it takes to get that high. Sharing needles, selling off their children for a hit - but smoking crack out of a Grammy Award? Come on! Get some standards, woman.

I can’t wait to see an Oscar winner take the trophy, find a plump vein and enjoy the sweet, tender caress of Lady H. (If Tilda Swinton wins, this may actually happen.)

*This satire is brought to you by COED. Don’t sue us or take us too seriously.

So you fancy your downloaded music? Well, guess what, you pirating son of a beyotch: the Man’s gonna getcha. Believe me - I know firsthand.

One moment, I was floating through the web, using Kazaa and Limewire to download my favorite Ace of Base songs, then BOOM! I’m doin’ time (well not really, but you’ll see).

Let’s backtrack a bit. I had just persuaded my mother to bring my desktop to the fraternity house. Let the guiltless hiding-of-the-porn-in-a-separate-folder, illegal downloading free-for-all commence! An album here, a movie there - it was cooler than penguin sh*t, which is way cool. My roommate wanted in. “Do you mind if I download this new song I love?” Read More »

Thanksgiving is literally right around the corner - and you know what that means! Awkward family dinners where everyone asks you prying questions about your college career! Yay!

Sure, you want to answer Grandma with the truth: “I get drunk every night by 9PM, by 2:30AM I’m high off 3 bong rips and by sunrise I usually have sex three times with the overweight alcoholic girl down the hall.” Your poor Grandma would go into cardiac arrest if you said all of that, so you stick with the fail-safe, “College is great! I’m learning a lot!”

The only problem is when the alcohol gets flowing things can slip. Bringing up your promiscuous sexual history might be a shocker at first, but don’t forget that it’s your family after all - time will heal the wounds. But be warned: if you say anything from the list below and you might need to start looking for a new last name. Read More »

Tailgating. It has become the most popular ‘ritual before the actual ritual’ ritual. It takes the term ‘pre-gaming’ to a whole different level. Whether it’s before a concert, graduation, Baptism, a job or even a funeral, it all has the same universal goal, laid out very simply in this sentence: “Drink to get drunk before you drink, you drunk!â€? In other words, it’s the process of getting a nice buzz going before the actual main event, in this week’s case, Opening Sunday of the NFL.

If you are one of the unfortunate cities to not have an NFL team … well, you will most likely have a less awesome time than those tailgating… unless your doing your own thing, like drinking. If you are drinking, don’t drive, unless you’re driving an SUV of course… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, drinking to get drunk before you drink, you drunk.

Depending on where you are from and the type of fans the team has will decide what kind of tailgate will be had. Bears fans from the windy city and Patriot fans holding their beers with gloves on up in the Northeast, usually have a really super tailgate… judging by the heaviness of their male population: fat people drink and eat more!

The severely deprived fans of Philadelphia have their own little slogan, “Drink to get drunk before being disappointed.â€? These fans know their teams will ultimately shit the bed, so the Philadelphia tailgate usually starts a good 7 hours before kickoff, if you are running late. Read More »

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Tone Loc - the hoarse-voiced artist formally known for his hits “Wild Thing” and “Funky Cold Medina”, has committed a terrible crime… Yes, the crime being he stopped making music. These three songs, the only songs anyone has ever heard from this artist, use almost the same exact beat (which he stole the beat from Van Halen’s ‘Jaime’s Cryin, but was never sued) but with different, awful lyrics. Though, to the dismay of his 31 fans, Tone Loc decided to make the jump to movies where he discovered mere success. We remember him in such gems as ‘Surf Ninjas’, ‘Ace Venture: Pet detective’ and of course, ‘Blank Check‘. Producers, directors and critics all cringed at his acting but noticed his voice and quickly made the move for him to do voice over work. You can now see Tone Loc at any of Vegas’ premiere casinos. Nope, not performing but playing cards… Obviously Disney doesn’t pay their voice-over actors too well. One thing to remember about this article: “It’s the 80’s and Loc’s down wit da ladies!” Read More »

So you fancy your downloaded music? Well, guess what, you pirating son of a bitch: the Man’s gonna getcha. Believe me; I know firsthand. One moment, I was floating through the web, using Kazaa and Limewire to download my favorite Ace of Base songs, then BOOM! I’m doin’ time. Well, not really, but you’ll see. Let’s backtrack a bit. I had just persuaded my mother to bring my desktop to the fraternity house. Let the guiltless hiding-of-the-porn-in-a-separate-folder, illegal downloading free-for-all commence! An album here, a movie there, it was cooler than penguin shit. My roommate wanted in. “Do you mind if I download this new song I love?”

“Sure,” I said confidently, feeling like Jesus Himself, feeding the masses with fish and bread, well, username and login, in this case. Read More »

In honor of the All Star events coming up, starting tonight with the home run derby, here are some awesome videos of America’s favorite past time…. the videos you don’t see everyday.

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This weekend marked the kickoff of this years annual ‘Running of The Bulls’ in Pamplona Spain. So far, after only the 2nd of 8 bull runs scheduled for this year’s San Fermin Festival, things have already lived up to the brutal reputation. Already two have been gored and at least 7 people have been crushed in Sunday’s run. Thousands of people head out to Spain every year at this time to run for two minutes, and only 800 yards down the narrow cobblestone street, just to say, “I ran with the bulls.â€?

I spent a little over a month in Spain during the time of this tradition, but an ankle injury and poor planning left me still yet a man in this rite of passage for Spaniards. In layman-terms: I am still a vagina, or ‘yo soy a vagina’. But I will yet be a man, I have already started to plan to be there next year to get myself gored and have it poorly stitched up in a local Pamplona hospital… I have just decided to swim with Great Whites down in South Africa before. Read More »

One of two things is happening: Either America is getting dumber as the seasons change or America has an overwhelming desire to be on a game show. Whatever the answer is, the end result is the worst American television since the damn thing has been invented. For instance, like tonight, it’s a Thursday and because it’s summer, it is a little less wild than during the school year, so you may be in watching tube tonight. You have some options, so pick one of these two diddies: the season premiere of ‘Big Brother 8’ or ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader?’ Good God. I got an idea, instead of watching either of these shows, take a stick, preferably one thicker than your shins, and just hit your face until you commence to bleed. Read More »