Pro Wrestling’s Worst Finishers Of All-Time [POLL]

This week, we paid tribute to Hulk Hogan for his birthday. While the man is arguably the most iconic wrestler of all-time, many fans thought he was all shtick and no substance. If you really sit back and take a look at his arsenal of weaponry, it’s kind of a joke. So, it got us thinking, what are some of the worst finishers in wrestling history? We know there are a MILLION of them that could fill up a library’s worth of sh*tty books. Since we’ve already shown you the best finishers it’s time to take a look at the absolute worst. Check out our slideshow then vote in our poll below.

Wrestling’s Top 10 Submission Finishers Of All-Time! [VIDEOS]

WWE’s Extreme Rules took place in Tampa, Florida last night.  The big winner was John Cena who defeated The Miz and John Morrison in the Steel Cage Triple Threat championship match. Afterwards, Cena relayed the news of Osama bin Laden’s death to the crowd, which got a huge reaction from the crowd. Cena’s STF (stepover toehold facelock) is pretty bad-ass. For me, the best kind of wrestling has to be good ol’ down and dirty submission wrestling. While it doesn’t have the appeal of a perfect shooting star press, it’s still effective and damn fun to watch. Over the years, we’ve seen some great submission holds develop, but which ones are truly the best? Review our list and vote in our poll below.

10) The Sleeper Hold

This may be the oldest and most effective wrestling hold ever; the only one that may be older is the bear hug. The first person to ever use it was the last “real” professional wrestler, Ed “Strangler” Lewis. When he would go overseas and beat champions over in Europe and Asia, people had never seen the hold before – with some thinking he was literally strangling his opponent. The premise of the hold is simple: cut off blood flow to your opponent’s brain and “put them to sleep.” While Ed may have been the innovator, there have been a ton of wrestlers through the ages who have used it, including Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and most recently WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler.

9) The Gogoplata

The Undertaker is a well-known MMA fan and as such, he has tried to incorporate some of the stuff he sees watching UFC or Strikeforce into his game. It started with a simple arm bar that was taking people out left and right, but it soon evolved into one of Taker’s signature moves. Basically, the move calls for you to be on your back in the guard position. First, Taker traps one of his opponent’s arms. Then, he puts his own legs in the shape of a 4, locking underfoot in the bend of his opposite knee. Finally, Taker grabs the head of his opponent and pushes the opponent’s throat into his shin, choking him. In a way, it’s like the sleeper since it’s used to cut off blood flow, but you can get a lot more pressure on the throat using this maneuver – as well as causing massive damage to your opponent’s vocal chords.

8) The Texas Cloverleaf

This is basically a modified “Sharpshooter/Scorpion Deathlock.” It’s a reverse figure 4 with a lot more leverage applied to not only the knee but the back as well. The “Texas Cloverleaf” was, as usual, done in Japan first, but was brought to the states by “The Man Of 1000 Holds,” Dean Malenko – when he was in the ECW and later the WCW dominating the cruiserweight division. In that same time period, Chris Jericho started using the hold and called it the “Canadian Maple Leaf”; purely a stroke of genius from one of the greatest wrestling icons in history. The only other semi-big name to ever use the hold was Trevor Murdoch, a guy who was in wrestling for a minute and held the meaningless WWE Tag Team titles with Shawn Michaels’ pupil Lance Cade.

7) The Dragon Sleeper

Another move that originates from the MMA and was used most recently by the Undertaker. It originated in Japan, like a lot of great moves are, and was popularized by one of the greatest Japanese pro wrestlers, The Ultimo Dragon. It was first seen in the states when he showed up on WCW Monday Nitro and had his run in the cruiserweight division. The move declined in popularity in mainstream wrestling, but found a resurgence on the indie circuit. But the Undertaker – the WWE’s resident MMA fanatic – used it, along with an armbar, when he was in his “Big Evil” character. Currently, it sees more use in sparring, but with the appearance of Daniel Bryan in the WWE, there’s a great chance it could come back to prominence.

6) The Million Dollar Dream/Cobra Clutch

This move is another variation of a sleeper, only this time you use your own opponents arm to essentially choke him. It’s actually a pretty innovative move, even to this day, as it’s a hybrid of the half nelson and the sleeper. The move was pretty much nonexistent as a finisher, save for the Million Dollar Man and Sgt. Slaughter incorporating it into their wrestling repertoire . When the WWE wanted to tie their new blue chip star, Steve Austin, to his manager, Ted DiBiase, Austin adopted the move for a bit. But when the Rattlesnake came out, the dream went away.

5)  The Ankle Lock

Yet another move in the long list of those taken from MMA. This time, however, it was brought into the ring from someone who was actually in the octagon. When Ken Shamrock burst onto the scene in the “Attitude Era,” he was a mainstay because of his very sound fighting and wrestling background. His finisher, the ankle lock, was one of the more realistic moves in the business at the time. Later on, the man who combined the same skill at wrestling with a tremendous amount of charisma, Kurt Angle, made the ankle lock one of the most popular and recognized moves in the sport – thanks to classic matches with the Undertaker, Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels. The move still lives on as Angle is still kicking ass and taking names in TNA, but the WWE’s next legitimate athlete, Jack Swagger, uses it as one of his finishers.

4) The Figure 4 Leg Lock

This is probably the world’s most recognizable submission finisher, outside of maybe the sleeper hold. As a kid, my friends and I really had no idea who Ric Flair was, but we sure as sh*t knew how to slap a figure 4 on each other, or our younger siblings (yeah, I put it on my little sister, sue me!). This move gives the recipient the ability to be pretty theatrical, which is a reason I think it went over so well. I remember vividly there were times where Flair would get it slapped on him and he’d make you think he was DYING of pain! It really made you think “Sh*t, man, he’s going to break his leg!”

3) The Sharpshooter/Scorpion Death Lock

This was my favorite move to slap on as a kid, being that I idolized Bret “The Hitman” Hart. I loved how back in the day announcers would talk about how this move puts so much pressure on the legs when it’s clearly a fancier looking Boston Crab. There was always a debate amongst us wrestling nerds about who did the move better: Sting or Bret. It was really a push in my opinion. If anything, Bret liked to wrench back a bit more to make it look like it hurt, where as Sting didn’t do it as much. But that’s a small difference. What it really came down to was who do you like more.

2) The Walls Of Jericho/Boston Crab

I can’t name the number of people who have used this move, or a modified version of it, but I can tell you who perfected it: Chris Jericho. Sure, there’s a chance he saw someone else elevate it like he did in WCW, but as far as I’m concerned he’s the innovator. The way he’d slap the Wall on someone (or the “Liontamer” as it was called back then), I legitimately thought Jericho was going to break someone’s neck. It’s a shame he was forced to remodify it for the WWE in the latter stages of his career. It looked so lame, and so did he, when he was forced to do a pedestrian Boston Crab. Rick Martel could do that, great, but only Jericho could perform the move flawlessly!

1)  The Crippler Crossface/Lebell Lock

I guess I might be showing my bias here, but I love this move! As far as realism goes, if you can get this move on someone, there isn’t a submission that looks like it hurts more. I was shocked that Vince allowed HBK, HHH and now Daniel Bryan to use this move as I was pretty sure the WWE would like us all to forget Chris Benoit ever existed. My most vivid memory of this move was a match between Raven and Chris Benoit where Benoit applied this move to Raven for agonizing minutes, but he – regardless of the pain – would not tap. He instead kept laughing until he eventually couldn’t stand it and passed out; a sick sight to see, yes.

The other really great thing about this move, other than that it looks cool, is that Benoit put it on from anywhere. It made his matches so exciting because you never knew when he was going to lock on and make his opponent squeal like a pig!

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Pro Wrestling’s 10 Greatest Finishing Moves Of All Time: Attacks & Throws

Finishers used to mean a lot more in pro wrestling, and that’s not to say they’re meaningless now. However, there’s something to be said for the fact that since an epic match between Stone Cold and The Rock at Wrestlemania, everyone seems to kick out of everyone else’s finisher, thus degrading their value. Nonetheless, they are still a vital part of the storyline in the ring. When used in the right place, they’re the explosive exclamation point to a climactic ending.

You’ll notice some of the flashier moves aren’t on here, namely that piece of sh*t move the Canadian Destroyer. I’ll say it here and now, that move is garbage and is a reason so many people hate wrestling nowadays. That move LOOKS fake, therefore it makes the rest of the match look fake as well. No, in the context of the match, these are the most believable (non-aerial or non-submission) finishers there are, or at least that’s what gave some of these moves and edge over others.

10. The GTS

This is CM Punk‘s finisher. I don’t know if he invented it, but I know he’s the only mainstream wrestler who uses it. I’ve read in a few places that some don’t like this move as they think it’s merely as devastating as a kick to the face. To them, I say let a trained martial artist kick you in the face and then watch him be able to pin you for at least three seconds. If this move had been around longer, I’d have ranked it much higher, it’s that good, mostly because unless the guy receiving it obviously blocks or botches it, it looks like it’s one of the most painful moves in wrestling history. It’s a product of the semi-stiff style wrestling has adopted in the past 10 years. People want something with a little more impact and this provides it in spades.

9. The Spear

Okay, so, technically The Spear is Goldberg‘s move BEFORE his finishing move, which is the Jackhammer, but w/o The Spear, the Jackhammer isn’t as effective. I’m a big fan of huge guys throwing hands in the ring, and invariably, someone is going to throw a spear in there as well. When it’s done bad, it looks like complete garbage, but when it’s done well (and sold well) they look devastating. I think Goldberg had the best spear in his heyday in WCW. It could have been the countless jobbers he was running through that just sold it really well, but I’m pretty sure his experience in the NFL had a little to do with it. Rhino had a great spear – errr – GORE, mostly because he was able to perfect it so well during his time on the indies and in ECW. Edge is the master of the modern spear as he has turned it into one of the most deadly finishers in the WWE today, taking out everyone from John Cena to the Undertaker to the now departed HBK. And his best spear? Wrestlemania 2000 when he speared a hanging Jeff Hardy to the ground and nearly killed himself.

8. The F-5

Unless there is some wrestler on the indies that I don’t know about using this move, this is a maneuver used exclusively by the biggest flash in the pan in pro wrestling history, Brock Lesnar. He was pretty much a freak, something and someone the business had never seen before, but he just didn’t have what it took to deal with the grueling tour schedule of the WWE. But this is one of his contributions to the business (that and allowing John Cena to get over since he cut and run). I remember the exact moment I saw this man and this move for the first time, and it was impressive as hell. The crux of it is “I’m going to pick you up and I’m just going to throw you down as hard as I can”. That’s kinda what you might do in a fight. Sure you wouldn’t put someone in a fireman’s carry, but you get the idea.

7. The Rock Bottom

I know for a fact The Rock wasn’t the inventor of the move, hell, the way he did it was sloppy sometimes, but he sure as hell popularized it. The Urinagi is basically a move, kind of like the F-5 where you get picked up and thrown down. Sometimes the recipient is thrown down from a standing position, a la Sheamus, making it look more like a chokeslam, but The Rock and others followed through, driving the opponent into the mat, making it look more theatrical as opposed to making it look stiff. It’s really crappy when a smaller wrestler tries to do it as it looks a lot less impressive.

6. The Tombstone

The piledriver was originally one of the most devastating moves in professional wrestling, brought to us by Jerry “The King” Lawler. The Undertaker took this move and turned it on its head, literally. The Tombstone is one of the most popular moves in wrestling history because of its inventor and his popularity. I remember seeing the big kids trying to do this to little kids all the time when I was younger. Hell, I still see it now with the little kids who are still into pro wrestling. Sorry WWE, no matter how many times you warn kids, they still want to be the Undertaker and will still try and drop someone on their head.

5. The Chokeslam

This is a move used by generic big men all over the sport, but when it’s done well, it’s one of the best moves in the business. Personally, I think Kane has the best chokeslam. He seems to have a great snap on the end, actually throwing the opponent into the mat. Undertaker and Sid Vicious come in second and Big Show in a distant third as he takes a lot of precaution with his opponent, most of the time making the move look kinda fake. The worst chokeslam HAS to go to Hurricane, as it looked more like a Rock Bottom when he did it, or that waste of space The Great Khali. Khali had zero form and just really did nothing for the move at all. One of the worst chokeslams I’d ever seen was when old man Hogan and slightly less old man ‘Taker were going at it in the WWE. ‘Taker did everything to protect Hogan from breaking a hip and it just looked sloppy and almost looked like Taker tripped Hogan as opposed to chokeslamming him.

4. The Powerbomb

This is another move used by generic big men because it’s relatively easy to pull off if you’re strong enough to do it. It’s also another move that has been butchered by a lot of people. I think the best one was done by Sid Vicious. Not only did he slam you down with authority, he also launched your ass half way across the ring. ‘Taker’s “Last Ride” is fun to watch as well as he does that thing where he tries to pick his opponent up JUUUUUUUUUUST a little higher before driving them into the mat. Of course Kevin Nash had a great Jackknife and even Scott Hall’s Razor’s Edge is a variation of a powerbomb with a little theatrics thrown in. I love this move because of the sound it makes when the recipient hits the mat. It shakes the ring and you can almost feel it at home.

3. The Stone Cold Stunner

I doubt Austin invented this move, but the move will never be associated with anyone but him. There really isn’t a funner move to watch than the Stunner when sold correctly. I think the appeal is that it’s a quick SNAP. The Rock sold the sh*t out of it, too.  This is a move I actually did on someone at a bar and while I didn’t break his neck, I sure did stun him for a while. I don’t know if anyone will ever use it again. I think it’s a respect thing to the man who single handedly ushered in the most popular era for wrestling, EVER.

2. The RKO/Diamond Cutter

This move is pretty similar to the stunner, at least in terms of what it’s supposed to hurt (the head/neck), but this move is a lot more devastating. The man who popularized it, Diamond Dallas Page (“DDP”), made it that way. A student of the game, DDP worked relentlessly at his craft, and as such he found a million different ways to hit that move. I’ve seen him hit it from all turnbuckles, through tables, from the middle of a chokeslam, from a powerbomb position; the guy was a freak. Now the move has been adopted by the quick striking “viper” Randy Orton. It’s great for him because the move IS a quick strike. He’s also hit it from a lot of different directions, though there is this one time I saw him try and hit it on Chris Jericho on a Raw and he COMPLETELY WHIFFED. The most recent memory of him hitting it was on a diving Evan Bourne as he was in the middle of a shooting star press. It was a sight to behold and a moment that will be etched in peoples memories forever.

1. The Superkick

Can you think about this move and NOT think of HBK anymore? I mean an assload of people have used it, but this man made it devastating. Everyone has taken “Sweet Chin Music” at one point and unless your name is “Hulk Hogan” it’s lights out. The best thing about this move is when HBK slaps his leg when he hits it. That POP is awesome to hear because it makes it so realistic. It’s also the most lights out move because, other than an uppercut, a kick is the quickest move that can be applied. Granted he can’t hit it from a prone state like an RKO, but the move has been thrown in anywhere and everywhere. Ask Shelton Benjamin, Kurt Angle, and Rey Mysterio about how they liked being the recipients of airborne SCM. That one kick on a springboarding Shelton will live on, probably forever, in the annals of wrestling history because it was perfect move. It was timed perfectly, everyone was in the right spot, and the spot itself was in the perfect point of the match.

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15 Best Booze-Related Inventions

They say of all the great inventions man’s ever created, alcohol could be the best. So, it’s no wonder humanity’s greatest minds would invent bigger, bolder, and better ways to enjoy man’s greatest invention. From the flabongo to the morning after pill, we present to you the 15 best booze-related inventions.

15. The Koozie

A classic, and maybe one of the first booze accessories, the coozy exists for one reason, to keep your hand warm and your drink (preferably beer) cold. This may not matter all that much when you live in the South, Cali, Florida, or the South West, but in the rest of the country, we party outside, even in the winter, and it’s a pain in the ass to stand outside on a porch in the cold, and have your hand freeze from the air AND the cold.

Check out our photo gallery featuring the Koobzie (aka “Boob Koozie”).

14. The Breathalyzer

These have become a lot more fashionable at parties recently. There’s no better way to measure your alcoholic dick than by constantly taking your blood alcohol level. Be careful though, you may think it’s fun to do, but you have to blow for a relatively long time to get an accurate reading. So while it may be cool to see your trail .90, you may pass out before you get there, and not from the alcohol.

13. Bottle Opener

Because some beer companies just HAVE to distinguish themselves from their unwashed low brow brethren who have twist off caps; these modern marvels are still necessary. The best place to keep one is on your keychain as it’s usually the most handy thing around you at all times. They are also a great way to start a conversation with a chick.

12. Beer Hat/Helmet

This is more of a classic piece of drinking history than the rest as most people don’t use these anymore. Most of the time, the stereotypical NASCAR fan or redneck has these at a sporting event, but if you want to have a little attention shined on you while you’re getting wasted, this will do the trick.

11. Chug A Jug

Kind of like our last innovation, with a more modern and sexier twist. Two prosthetic breasts are strapped to your shoulders with two straws coming out of the side go up to your mouth and you can chug away. Fun to wear if you’re a girl, and if you’re secure enough as a guy you can wear them as well. But don’t let your friends get too drunk around you, the guys might start groping you, beer goggles are a hell of a thing.

Check out the Chug a Jug and other Bizarre Boob Inventions here.

10. Stadium Pal

How many times have you been in the middle of a game and you need to take a piss, but it’s a tight game and you can’t leave your seat? What you need is a Stadium Pal. Sure, you’ll be carrying warm bags of urine attached to your leg or your thigh, but hey, YOU’RE ALL ABOUT TEAM!

9. The Ice Jacket

Great for outdoor parties in the summer. What this is, basically, is a jacket for your large bottles of alcohol. It’s filled with that gel stuff you find in reusable icepacks so you can have one that will last you for a long time.

8. Drinking Board Games

“Shots And Ladders”, “Shot Tac Toe”, “Drunkopoly”, all of these are fun games and great ways to get wasted. It’s fun to sit back and pound em with your buds or your girls, but sometimes, when you have a small party going, you can bust these guys out and have a lot of fun while getting hammered. Some other favorites of mine are “Battleshot”, “Blotto”, and “Sudz”.

7. Beer Holster

Saddle up partner!! With this great invention, you can carry around six beers right around your waste. I’ve seen them a lot with Dallas Cowboy fans, long trench coat, 10 gallon hate, and this baby. A fun game I’ve seen played is a quick draw of who can slam one or all of the beers the quickest. A cool old West way to get fucked up.

6. Rapid Beverage/Wine Chiller

For your more upscale drinkers, you have this great invention. It’s basically a mini cooler for one large bottle. If all you’re going to drink is one bottle of wine or vodka or whatever, this is a great way to keep your stuff cool. It cools your alcohol 30x faster than any fridge or freezer. And for you smokers, there’s a tailgate lighter plug in.

5. Booze Shotgun

Combining booze and shooting, WHAT COULD GO WRONG?! This is actually made only for hard liquor as you can only get an ounce of liquid out at a time, and who wants to drink your beer one ounce at a time!? Make sure you use it on yourself, or the guy who’s shooting at you has great aim, because catching 1oz of pure grain Everclear in the eye is going to sting like a motherfuck.

4. Cruzin Cooler

A great and convenient thing to have on campus or on your way to tailgating. It’s a scooter with a cooler. As long as you don’t have to go too far, you’ll have more than enough power to get around campus or the parking lot. The motor gives you a chance to go 12 miles an hour, but let’s face it, if you go any faster, you might get caught with a DWI. And if you want to attach another cooler to it and drag it with you, there’s a trailer hitch. Plug in, have fun.

3. The Beer Bong

Never has something so awesome been invented for the college kid. For the 1% of you who don’t know, this is a super fast alcohol delivery system. It’s basically a hose attached to a funnel that you can shotgun 1, 2, 3, or even 4 (hell I’ve seen 7) beers at once. There basically two types of bongs, a single, a double, or an octo bong. There’s also a “mile high” one which is really fun and is mostly used in two or three story frat houses. You have one guy stand out on the balcony or hang the bong out a window, and have someone on the very bottom take a hit.

Check out our photo gallery of 133 Beer Bong Babes.

2. The Stateroom Bar

How many times have you been dragging a cooler with you to a game or to a party when you go “You know, I wish I had a full bar with me right now!?” Well ok, maybe you don’t say that, but with this beauty, you can take a bar with you pretty much everywhere you go. Sure, it’s 23 x 24 x 58, and sure, it ways north of a few hundred pounds; but hey it’s got wheels, so how hard could it be to get around? It’s got a nice sized mirror, an actual brass bar, drawers and shelves for standing and sitting bottles and, best of all, a removable game board. Sadly, unless you’re a millionaire, or at least have some good credit, you’re SOL as this thing costs just over $2,000.

1. The Arkeg

This may be the greatest invention known to man. If there’s one thing that everyone loves to do while drunk, it’s play video games. But underneath the screen is, you guessed it, a space for a keg of beer and the tap is right on the side. No quarters, no paying for refills; if this thing had a pair of tits it would satisfy your every need!! It’s equipped with a 24 inch LCD screen, 2.1 surround w/ woofer, and a 5lb aluminum CO2 tank. If you can get your favorite beer in a skinny keg, you’re all set and the cooling system keeps your beer cold for weeks at a time. Here are a few of the classic games that come programmed into the game…Mortal Kombat 1, 2, and 3, Smash TV, Street Fighter, Paperboy, Arch Rivals, Marble Maddness, Pong, Primal Rage, and Pitfall. But, much like our Stateroom Bar; it’s pricey. This one, just under $4,000.

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The 5 Greatest Kings Of The Ring

The Royal Rumble is today, January 30th. It’s a battle royale that often grants the winner a shot at the title. Another battle royale tournament, The King Of The Ring, came around and eventually was discontinued. There have been a slew of “Kings Of The Ring” over the past three decades, so we decided to take a look at the greatest blue bloods to ever don the crown.

5. Owen Hart

Sometimes, a wrestler will win the title of “king” and he won’t embrace it. Edge won the tournament and barely acknowledged it, but Owen was one of those who fully embraced the title. Longing to jump out of his brother’s shadow, Owen Hart won the KOTR the year after his brother won. With the help of his brother-in-law Jim “Anvil” Neidhart, “The King Of Hearts” enjoyed the most success he’d ever seen, almost capturing the WWF Championship from his older brother Bret and solidifying himself in the memories of wrestling fans the world over not only with great matches, but with the great character he played, the Cain to Bret’s Abel.

4. Booker T

Probably the most over the top king in the history of the WWE. “King Bookah” was able to meld his street wise hip modern character seamlessly with a character of blue blood. Anyone who remembers him remembers Booker T changing characters mid promo from olde English (with accent) to the street vernacular that made him one of the most popular faces in WCW and in the WWE. After Booker won the tourament (which by this time had been moved to free TV and was taking place over a matter of weeks, not just one night), the king assembled a mighty “court” including “Queen Sharmell” (his real life wife), William Regal, and Finlay. With their help, Booker was able to win the World Heavyweight Title. The “court” disbanded soon after (with the exception of his queen) and King Booker held onto his title for some time, even becoming the “champion of champions” after beating ECW Champion The Big Show and WWE Champion John Cena in a triple threat match. He did eventually lose the title to Batista, and shortly after was taken out by the Undertaker. The king then made a return to Raw and feuded with the “king of kings” HHH and eventually dropped the moniker after being soundly defeated.

3. Bret Hart

While Bret didn’t really take on the persona of a king like the rest of the guys on this list, the 1993 KOTR winner had barely won the tournament when the king of Memphis, TN; Jerry “The King” Lawler, attacked him from behind, setting off a feud and a series of matches that ended up being some of the most memorable in the history of the WWE. It started with a match at Summerslam where Lawler ducked out, saying he had a bad knee, only to challenge Bret to a match after his “royal jester” Doink The Clown gave Bret one of the hardest matches he’s ever had. Bret ended up winning in the end, however, but only morally as Bret actually did destroy Lawler’s knee that night, to the point where Jerry had to be taken out on a stretcher. The feud continued with “Kiss My Foot” matches and even with Jerry Lawler going out and getting his own personal dentist (a man who would later become WWE’s Kane) to beat the tar out of Bret. Great stuff.

2. Jerry Lawler

And speaking of the King, he’s number two on our list. Lawler has been King for over 40 years now. When he was active in the AWA back in the 80s, The King took on the best of the best, including Harley Race, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Andre The Giant, and countless others. But his most memorable feud was with a young comedian named Andy Kaufman. It was so good, and so real, they fooled everyone from David Letterman to the guys they were working with at the time! Through it all, Jerry never lost his crown (and if he did, he got it back shortly thereafter) and he has always, and will always be recognized as “The King”.

1. “Macho King” Randy Savage

This is no disrespect to Jerry Lawler, but no one played a better “king” than Randy Savage. Hell, before he even became “king” he had a very “regal” (not Steven or William) sounding entrance theme. For a guy who was as nuts as he was, he made that music work somehow with his character. He and Sensational “Queen” Sherri were a tour de force in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Macho King came out with servants carrying him to the ring on a makeshift throne, he had a huge gold crown, he had a scepter, he even had gold glasses he’d wear from time to time. He was “IT” as far as kings went. He beat “King” Hacksaw Jim Duggan for the moniker in 1989 and tore ass trough the WWF, mainly focusing his hatred on the exact polar opposite of a king, “the common man”, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. The culmination of his time as king came at Wrestlemania 7 when he faced the most dominant wrestler the WWF had seen at that point, The Ultimate Warrior. A very vivid memory I have of their feud was at the 1991 Royal Rumble when Savage sprinted to the ring and cracked Warrior over the head with a scepter that I swear shattered into a million pieces. The match was a career ending one that he did end up losing. To his credit, though, Randy Savage may have put on one of the greatest Wrestlemania matches of all time with a guy who’s skill set was slightly above that of a box of dumbells. Their match is in my top 3 of all time, and it was almost all due to the strong character and workrate of one “Macho King” Randy Savage.

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30 Indie Albums of 2010 You Need To Hear

It’s that time of year again, when we look back on the year and recount our favorite memories. Our favorite movies, our favorite TV shows, and even our favorite music, and this year, we had a lot of great albums. But don’t worry, I won’t be going on and on about how great the new Kanye album is, nor will try and debate with you Pinkerton loving elitists how great the new Weezer albums were because it’d be like talking to a brick wall. What I will do, however, is tell you about the 30 indie albums from this year you need to hear.

NOTE: Click on the links to buy the album!

“Gone for Good” by My Jerusalem

“Crazy for You” by Best Coast

“Odd Blood” by Yeasayer

“Live From The Tape Deck” by Skyzoo & Illmind

“Up From Below” by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

“Gas Mask” by The Left

“Monitor” by Titus Andronicus

“Sisterworld” by Liars

“The ArchAndroid” by Janelle Monáe

“High Violet” by The National

“Broken Bells” by Broken Bells

“American Ghetto” by Portugal. The Man

“Infinite Arms” by Band of Horses

“Go” by Jonsi

“Sigh No More” by Mumford and Sons

“Sea of Cowards” by The Dead Weather

“Gorilla Manor” by Local Natives

“Heartland” by Owen Pallett

“Technicolor” by Vinyl Rescue

“Immersion” by Pendulum

“Teen Dream” by Beach House

“Born To Ruin” by Crazy Arm

“Before Today” by Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

“Treats” by Sleigh Bells

“Total Life Forever” by Foals

“Cotes D’Armor” by Kevin Max

“American Slang” by Gaslight Anthem

“Independent Hustlin” by Mav

“Savages” by The Gay Blades

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The Ultimate Christmas Music Playlist (1984-2010)

One of the best things about Christmas time is the music. It’s bright, colorful, and warm; just what you need to get through the cold winter months. I, being a young angry man, have the punk rock attitude of going a bit against the grain. While I do appreciate the likes of Burl Ives, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, and even the wholly depressing “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” by John Lennon, I prefer my diet of Christmas music to be a bit more modern. So today I bring to you, some of my favorite modern Christmas tunes. Enjoy!!

“Oi To The World” – The Vandals (1996)

This song gives me the warm and fuzzies because it has a great message stuffed into a simple and effective song. Essentially it’s about two groups of people who don’t like each other, end up fighting; but at the end of it all, the two leaders realize the true meaning of the season and make up over few shots of bourbon. Great stuff.

“Christmas Eve / Sarajevo 12/24″ – Trans-Siberian Orchestra (1996)

This one’s an instrumental medley of “Carol of the Bells” and “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” first released on the Savatage album Dead Winter Dead in 1995 as “Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24).” It was then re-released by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, a side project of several Savatage members, on TSO’s 1996 debut album “Christmas Eve and Other Stories”. The piece describes a lone cello player playing a forgotten Christmas carol in war-torn Sarajevo. The word “epic” comes to mind. Makes you want to conquer a small village or battle aliens. More sex tapes need to have this soundtrack.

“I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” – Blink 182 (2002)

Changing over to something that’s a bit more lighthearted, we have Blink 182′s take on Christmas. It’s a piss take on how fake some people can be to others they probably hate just because it’s Christmas season. There are times I kinda feel the sentiment, but it’s hard for me to get pissed off about anything around this time of year. But it’s a fun song none the less.

“I’ve Got A Boner For Christmas” – Nerf Herder (2000)

This song is dirty, filthy, and disgusting, and that’s why I love it. Just a nice punk rock take on the season, juxtaposing a boner with the holiest of holidays. The only way this could be more punk is if it was “I’ve got a boner for Easter.” It’s another really fun song to listen to that never gets old. I can’t wait to expose my children to this wonderful piece of musical and Christmas mastery!!

“Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town” – Bruce Springsteen & the E-Street Band (1985)

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce! Some would actually prefer Mr. Springsteen would come to town over Saint Nick. The Boss is ordering you to stop pouting. No? Okay, you’re fired. The original was written by J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie, and was first sung on Eddie Cantor’s radio show in November 1934. It sold more than 400,000 copies by Christmas. Anything Bruce does rocks our skulls but the 1985 version of SCICTT rules all versions.

“Christmas With the Devil” – Spinal Tap (1984)

Fictional rock band Spinal Tap re-released their seminal 1984 album “This Is Spinal Tap” with this bonus track in 2000. Band member Nigel Tufnel, David St. Hubbins, and Derek Smalls are played by actor-comedians Christopher Guest (Best In Show, A Mighty Wind, married to Jamie Lee Curtis), Michael McKean (Coneheads, Airheads, SNL alum), and Harry Shearer (The Simpsons, Wayne’s World 2, also SNL alum). There’s nothing we’d like more than spending Xmas with Bezelbub and a big bottom.

“It’s the Holidaze” Westside Connection (2002)

Westside Connection is made up of WC, Ice Cube, and Mack 10. Their debut album “Bow Down” went platinum, reaching #2 on the Billboard 200 in 1996 while their sophomore album, “Terrorist Threats” reached #16 and went gold. This dope track was on the Friday After Next soundtrack released in November 2002. Play this and you’ll have hot young white chicks throwing gang signs in your crib in no time. Did everyone lose respect for Cube when he starred in “Are We There Yet?”

“I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas Is Gonna Stink for Me)” The Little Stinkers (1998)

This future Music Hall of Fame shoo-in dropped the stinkiest of Christmas singles in ’98 but it didn’t get much play until 2002 when it briefly charted on Billboard’s Hot 100 Singles sales chart.

“Last Christmas” – Wham! (1984)

We’ll be completely honest. We originally wanted to do the past 25 years but that would mean leaving off this gem. No way were we gonna let that happen. Written by George Michael and released in ’84 off the album Music From The Edge of Heaven, “Last Christmas” is New Wave Holiday Heaven and is a killer break up song to boot. Seriously, lady, GM gave you his F***ING HEART and you threw it away. It’s non-recyclable, you bitch!

“Christmas in Hollis” Run DMC (1987)

Produced by the band with help from Rick Rubin, this ’87 rap joint was released on the thoroughly awesome “A Very Special Christmas” and reached #78 on the Billboard Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart … in 2000?!?! You might’ve also heard it in 1988′s Die Hard (which is on our Christmas Movies That Never Get Old list), 1996′s Jingle All The Way (which WOULD be on our Christmas Movies That Immediately Get Old list if we had one), The Office, and The Simpsons.  This track makes us want to walk this way and get tricky on some sucker MCs with Peter Piper. What!

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” – U2 (1987)

We’re telling you, that “A Very Special Christmas” album released in ’87 is the sh*t. This is another track off that compilation. Much like Bruce’s version of Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town, U2′s version of this classic Christmas track is far superior to all others. If you say Mariah Carey’s was better, you’re immediately banned from the site. Originally sung by Darlene Love in November ’63, Rolling Stone placed this #1 on their list of Greatest Rock and Roll Christmas songs. It was later included on U2′s 2004 album “Unreleased & Rare”. What an ironic album on which to include this song.

“Christmas in Hollywood” – Hollywood Undead

This rock rap band is comprised of members Charlie Scene, Da Kurlzz, Funny Man, J-Dog, and Johnny 3 Tears. You can hear some of their singles on Madden ’09, UFC 2009 Undisputed, Rock Band 2, GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, Velvet Assassin, and Law & Order: Los Angeles. “Meet me under the mistletoe, let’s f***” is THE pick up line of Xmas 2010.

“Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” – The Ramones (1989)

As soon as you start to see the tempers rise and hear the voices rise, crank this bad boy to 11, place it on lock, and bail.

“The Night Santa Went Crazy” – Weird Al Yankovic (1996)

I’ve long considered Al the master of parody and comedy in music, and this is one of my favorite songs. It’s not a parody of any song specifically, but a style parody. This is a completely original Christmas song telling of, well the night Santa went crazy. It’s a great wholesome story of a man who’s been oppressed by the children of the world, being forced to eat cookies and milk for life; finally snapping and taking out his frustrations on everyone from his deer to his elves, only to end up….well…let’s just say Santa had a lot more red around him after it was all over than green.

“I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” - Standstill

And I’ll round out the list with another cover, and another punk cover at that. But these guys didn’t write this song. It was, in fact, written decades ago when society was getting a bit more progressive, but they just punked it up. It’s a about a kid who, as the title says, sees dad kissing Santa and thinks his dad might be “further in the closet than my toys”. Just hilarious. In the original, the kid finds out it’s mommy dressed up as Santa, but in this version, Santa, mommy, and daddy have a three way which, while disturbing, gives the kid some hope that he might get some better toys this year since mom and dad are WORKING for it!

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