5 Places On Campus You’ll Run Into A One-Night Stand (And How To Avoid Her)

As if the morning after wasn’t awkward enough, now you have to worry about running into the girl on campus. Whether it’s crossing the quad, grabbing a sandwich at the deli, or sitting in on the same 2 pm Intro to Psychology class, you do not want to make eye contact with the subject — let alone indulge in a conversation. Because really, what is there to talk about? What exactly happened that night? Did you make the move after the second tequila shot? Or was it during the third encore of “Don’t Stop Believin?” Do you remember her name? Did you ever know her name?

The Quad: So you’re walking to class and all of a sudden you see her. It’s like in “Homeward Bound” when Peter sees his dog Shadow bounding up the hill after a long journey away from home. Except this time, Shadow is angry and foaming at the mouth. Shadow has rabies. There’s no way to avoid passing right by her. So when you get close, you yell out to an imaginary friend, “HEY CHARLES!! YEAH!! CHARLES!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!!?? WAIT UP!” and run past her until you are out of sight.

In The Classroom: This is a tough one. Wearing a mask might be a bit too much, but you CAN disguise yourself in another way. Turn guido. Get a deep orangey, almost oompa-loompa like tan and puff your hair up with some vaseline/hairspray. Wear a shirt two sizes to small for you and throw on a fake gold chain. Talk like a bro and pump your fist every time your professor mentions Italy, bombs, or glowsticks. She probably won’t recognize you, and even if she does, she will never talk to you again.

A Bar or Party: Your school set up a small conference for your major and there she is, sitting right across from you. How could you know she would be here? How did you get invited to something like this? Well, the good thing about these functions is that there is unlimited wine. Use that to your advantage. Drink until you feel comfortable. And by comfortable, I mean unconscionable. Drink until you forget that she’s there. But, be careful. Don’t commit the same mistake you made that fateful night. You’d rather inhale an entire cigarette butt than have to repeat any of these steps ever again.

In The Deli: She’s in the deli, too? And next to you in line? Gotta think quick. Set your cell alarm to a minute later and pick up the phone when it rings. “Ohh…Hello. The results came back positive? Is that curable? It breaks out once or twice a month? Wow. And oral? Oh, ok. Thank you.” By the time you say “once or twice a month,” she should be gone. You will never see her again. If she doesn’t leave and instead turns around, smiles, and yells “Samesies!” Grab your sub and bag of cool ranch and make a bee-line for the infirmary.

At A Stop Light: She walks towards you to cross the main intersection connecting to campus. The light is green and cars are whizzing by in front of you. What’s your move? You could run back to the apartment, but you have a midterm today, and you’re already 5 minutes late. She’s getting closer. You can feel nerves popping up all over your body. A prickling fear only good people feel after they’ve done a very bad thing. You need to do it. Rather than face an extremely awkward conversation, you must risk death and cross the busy street. You flip on “What More Can I Say” by Jay-Z (because you really have nothing more to say) and make a run for it. Basically, you pull a Kobe.

5 Steps to Pwning in Beer Pong

Beer Pong. It doesn’t matter where you play it. It’s all about putting the ball in the cup.  It’s all about that liquid splash. To impress the ladies, get drunk and be THAT guy who won 8 games in a row at that Moustachio Bashio party during spring weekend, you need to know how to succeed at this timeless drinking game. Besides, who really likes to stand around at a party and “mingle?”  What are you going to talk about?  Who are you going to talk to?  A girl?  If you’re lucky, you’ll swoop in for a few Facebook tags that were never meant for you or stumble upon some half-eaten weed brownie.  If you’re lucky. But, most of the time, parties revolve around the pong table.  That’s where you want to be for the better part of the night.  Here are 5 ways to stay at the table.

1.  Lean With It.

Everyone does it a little and most of the time, no one will call you out (especially not these beer pong playing grannies).  They could be too drunk to notice or the music might be too loud for you to hear their cries.  Or you could be playing in a sorority house pong tournament where leaning is as common as HPV. So lean into that shot.  Maybe not on a full rack.  But definitely with 4 cups.  Maybe five.  Lean like Fat Joe.  Lean like Bill Withers.  Lean like a Florida palm tree in a hurricane.  You must remain at King Barfur’s table.

2.  ”Abba”-Cadabra-Distraction

Abba-”Dancing Queen.”  A song your mom listens to in the car with the windows down.  A song that reminds her of her 1970s love affairs.  A song that was covered by Jennifer Love Hewitt and used for the movie “Mamma Mia!”  An ultimate buzzkill. You need to find a way to get this party killing song blaring through the speakers.  Give a pong table hoverer a 5-spot and your iPod.  Tell him what needs to be done if he wants to get on this table within the next 10-15 minutes. He’ll quickly rush over to the sound system and plug in the party poison.  Both opponents should throw their hands up in the air in disgust.  ”What the f…?!!” One, maybe both, will walk over to change the song.  This is when you take out the micro-lax.  Slip some of the liquid into every cup.  Within about 15 minutes, the laxative should set in and the only splashes these boys hear will be coming from a toilet bowl.

3.  One-Two Step GF

A man’s weakness.  There’s more than just one.  Too many to count.  But I do know one very sensitive to the soul.  Seeing his wife or lady friend enjoying the company of another hombre. Find your opponent’s girlfriend!  Or hook-up.  Or lady boy.  Talk to her.  Hit on her.  Grind with her during some inappropriate songs.  Preferably “I Knew You Were Cheating” by Keith Sweat or any R. Kelly tune. These moves should throw your opponent’s shot off and mess with his head. Plus, you can actually make contact with a girl without using a roofie.

4.  No Beer Queer

I don’t know about you, but I cannot see through walls.  I cannot see through clothes.  I cannot see through those gigantic sunglasses/face masks the girls wear on Laguna Beach.  And I definitely cannot see through that deep, beautiful red that completely engulfs a beer pong solo cup. So don’t fill up your cups.  I mean, fill up some, but skip 4 in a 10 cup rack and 2 in a 6 cup rack.  If it’s a big party or the end of the night, teams will generally not come over and check the beer levels. If they do, just say in a drunken slur, “OOHHH MANN!!  What were we thinking?  Must’ve forgot!  HAHA!  So funny!” Then try one of the previous three steps. The less beer in your cups, the harder it is for the enemy to make a shot.  Beer pong 101.  Common sense you drunken buffoon.

5.  Secret Weapon

Sorry Gordon.  Sorry Eddie.  Sorry Greg “The Don” of Pong.  In order to win, you need to drop your best friend, roommate or even your twin brother. You need to seek out the pong master. You know what he looks like.  He’s the guy who’s been quietly sipping on his Natural Light bottle in the corner of the room.  He’s been watching the table out of the corner of his eye, while nodding his plump head to the infectious party music.  He’s the guy that cares about pretending not to care. He weighs more than your average 6 year-old grizzly bear and is just as hairy. He has short, stubby arms that can propel a ball with the perfect force/trajectory and recoil quickly enough to hide a lean. He can drink more beer than the grass can absorb and has the sense of humor to pull off any of these previous beer pong tricks.  He’s been playing pong since he was 7. Go and find him.  You may never lose.

10 Inventions Cooler than the iPad

The iPad. If you Google the word, you’ll come across terms like “laptop killer,” “Apple tablet,” and most interestingly, a young man named Ivor Padilla, who uses iPad for his Twitter account. Laptop killer? Do you really want to invest in something that may be involved in a murder?  And not just one murder. We’re talking genocide.  Buy a Taliban while you’re at it. Apple tablet? What does that even mean? Tablet feels very archaic. Possibly 5th, 6th century B.C. And Apple? Gotta be expensive. The device starts at a recession-ignorant price of $500. And what about poor Ivor? Who came first? iPad the man or iPad the thing? Think we might have a case of copyright infringement on our hands. Or even worse, a very angry Ivor.

Frankly, we’re not impressed. Here are 10 inventions that are much more worthwhile than the iPad:

1. Underground plumbing system

When you think of toilets, cool may not be the first word that comes to mind.  But where would we be without the intricate pipe systems we have in America to waste away our waste? We would be using outhouses, smelling feces everywhere we walked, and hating our lives. We would be living in a never-ending tailgate for a bull-riding rodeo.

2. The Martin Jetpack

It may be more expensive than the iPad, but how many of you have always dreamed of being “The Rocketeer?” Glenn Martin and his team have been working for 30 years on developing this revolutionary mode of transport. News broke on March 15th that a jetpack factory will be formed and these babies will be mass-produced. Right now, the pack can travel a total distance of 32 miles and rise to heights equaling 8,000 feet. It can move at a max speed of 63 mph. Imagine having this at college for those long trips across campus to your 9 pm night class. Who am I kidding? Not even jetpacks can motivate lazy, potheads.

3. Viagra

Need I say more?

4. McDonald’s Delivery

Again, let’s direct our attention to the lazy, potheads. What a concept. Almost as revolutionary as fire or clean water, and definitely just as necessary.  Those traffic-jammed drives to the town McDonalds, long waits in the drive-thru lines where nobody can understand anything the intercom spews out, and your awkward inability to line your car up for the perfect exchange of money/food at the 2nd window can now all be avoided. It would only be better if the delivery guys/gals showed up dressed as Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar.  Imagine these two skipping up to your doorway in broad daylight, smiling and singing. I might call the cops.

5. The Electric Toothbrush

One of the finest innovations of our time.  It was first introduced in 1959 by Bristol-Meyers Company.  Since then, it has re-invented itself as weapon (see Naked Gun 2 1/2), backscratcher, and whatever this is.  Looks like some type of extraterrestrial probing device. But for the most part, it’s still used for its original purpose, brushing teeth.  It eliminates the need for hard brushing and curtails any drastic finger movements.  As a result, cramps, callouses, and carpel tunnel syndrome are avoided.  Thank you Bristol-Meyers.

6. Steroids

Besides shriveling your scrotum and causing long-term heart problems, steroids are amazing.  These gym candies can transform you from a run of the mill joe schmo into a superhero.  A very rich superhero. You can hit a baseball 500 feet, throw a football 70 yards, and develop more acne than an entire chess club contingent; all while making millions of dollars. Yes, you may be dead by 40, but who cares?  Living the life of a superhero for 20 years has to be worth something.  C’mon.  Who doesn’t want to look like this guy?

7.  Cool Ranch Doritos

Have you ever tasted anything better?  The mix of cheesiness, coolness, ranch and spice combine to excite with every bite.  A simple touch to your tongue or smell of a newly opened bag can exude a wide array of emotions.  Love.  Lust.  Anger.  The addiction to Cool Ranch is a real, and sometimes frightening phenomenon.  Finishing an entire bag in one night is not a difficult task.  Cool Ranch in the mac and cheese?  Why not?  Cool Ranch and ketchup sandwich?  Absolutely.  Cool Ranch cologne?  Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?

8. Duck Hunt

Remember when this game first came out?  I don’t.  I wasn’t born yet.  But I do remember playing the game when I was 6 years old on Nintendo.  Such a simple concept that provided hours upon hours of entertainment.  No intricate puzzles to solve or incredibly difficult bosses to beat.  When a duck flies by, shoot it.  I also have no idea why they kept flying by.  They must have known I was there. I would also try out different shooting techniques.  I would hide behind my couch and pop and shoot when I heard a quack.  Sometimes I would shoot em’ up gangsta’ style.  Cock the orange rifle sideways and fire off a couple of rounds, laughing as the ducks fell from the sky. It was a hands-on game of little skill and ample gratification.  It was also one first-person shooting game that did not induce kids to go out and shoot their teachers.  Only birds.

9. HDTV

Who doesn’t like seeing the particles of sweat pour down Tiger Woods’ face as he apologizes to the world for being a man?  Who doesn’t love seeing the voluptuous curves of Haley Berry in “Swordfish” or the but her face body of Marisa Tomei in “The Wrestler” with such clarity? High Definition television can bring you into Fenway Park.  I sometimes find myself trying to catch the t-shirts that are launched into the stands in between innings, elbowing my sister in the face to grab the digital item.  Other times I respond to the hot dog guy “Hotdog Heaaahh!” However, sometimes HD is too real.  Cameron Diaz looks awful in HD.  She looks like she aged about 20 years –  I think that’s why she’s been doing so many Pixar films. But that’s also what’s good about High-Def.  It brings many of the stars down to your level, making you feel more comfortable with yourself and your own appalling features.

10. Chinese Finger Traps

Oh, man!  They’re stuck again! The thing about Chinese finger traps is that you never think your fingers are going to get stuck.  The trap isn’t that small.  Your fingers aren’t that big.  But every time, without fail, your fingers get stuck.  And once they’re trapped, there’s no telling how much time will pass until they’re free again.  Once you are free, you stick your fingers back in, hoping to beat your previous time.  Sometimes it depends on how much you fight against the paper pinky prison, and other times it depends on the person.  How can your fingers seem eternally imprisoned at one point, and so ambulatory at another?  These go along with those other questions regarding China that will never be resolved.  Why does China support North Korea?  What is in an egg roll? Shhhh….Annncient Chineeese Secrets.