Thank You, Baseball Gods!

Let me get started by saying that I’ve been a New York Mets fan since I was old enough to be dressed in a Mets uniform for my grandparents’ amusement. Mets fans have three favorite teams: the Mets (duh!), anyone who plays the Yankees and anyone who plays the Phillies. Needless to say, the past couple years have been tough for all of us.

Two years ago, it was the Phillies who won the World Series and although they lost it last year, it was at the hands of the hated Yankees. The only thing worse for a Mets fan than a World Series that includes either of those disgusting teams is one that includes both of them, and this year it was looking like a repeat of my worst baseball related nightmare. However, there were two little-known heroes that would emerge victorious against the larger, more powerful villains.

The Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants, two small market teams not even expected to make it to the 2nd Round, each knocked out the past two World Series Champions in six decisive games. Cliff Lee, the former Phillie and the pitcher the Yankees narrowly missed out on at the trade deadline, was dominant and the powerful Phillies lineup had no answer to the Giants entire pitching staff (or former Marlin, Cody Ross). To make it even more priceless, A-Rod and Ryan Howard, the big money choking sluggers, both struck out to end their respective series.

The Rangers and Giants, heroes to every Mets fan for sending two of our most hated teams in all of sports home to cry for the winter, will battle for the ultimate prize. I really don’t care who wins, just as long as the Yankees and Phillies don’t have a chance to.

Pros vs. Cons…err…Cons vs. Cons: The Ultimate Prison Football Team

No sport seems to have as many athletes in trouble with the law as the National Football League does, so here is an “All-Star” team of sorts, compiled of 11 former and current NFL players that either have been, or are currently incarcerated.

QB – Michael Vick

Stats: Conspiracy; Dog Fighting; Animal Cruelty. Sentenced to 23 months.

Although overrated in the NFL, Vick would shine under the hot sun in the yard as the team’s starting QB. His elusiveness on the field should help prevent him from getting shived, I mean sacked, and his strong left arm could definitely get the ball downfield. Now, hitting the target is another issue altogether. By now we all know the cowardness that is Michael Vick who came into the league with an oversized ego.

After some minor brushes with the law (suspicious water bottle at an airport) and the league (double one-fingered salute to his own fans), it all came to a head when a search warrant for a drug investigation involving his cousin revealed evidence of illegal dog fighting on his property. As more and more details surfaced, it became evident that Vick had his hands deep in some despicable actions. One stipulation I’d like to see included in his contract: getting electrocuted each time he throws an interception.

RB – Orenthal James “O.J.” Simpson

Stats: Criminal Conspiracy; Kidnapping; Assault; Robbery; Use of a Deadly Weapon; and to those of us with a brain…Murder (though found not-guilty). Sentenced to 33 years with a possible parole after 9 years.

The former Heisman Trophy winner is a perfect addition to the backfield. The first running back ever to eclipse the 2,000 yard mark in a single season, the Juice will put pressure on the defense while hitting the holes with ease like a white Ford Bronco on a freeway.

After buying a “not guilty” charge for the murder of his wife and friend, O.J.’s been in and out of trouble, finally hitting the wall in Las Vegas, where he led a group of men into a hotel room and robbed sports memorabilia allegedly belonging to him at gun point. The plus of having O.J. as the starting running back: he can run. Negative: he’s bound to get caught.

RB – Lawrence Phillips

Stats: Assault with a Deadly Weapon; Assault with Great Bodily Injury (separate incident); Making a Criminal Threat; Auto Theft. Sentenced to 31 years.

One of the biggest draft busts in the past 15 years, Phillips never came close to his college success during his brief pro career, but his off-the-field stats cement his place as the second running back on our team. A drawback is his rather weak “opponent” history. Case in point, he A.) drove a car into 3 teenagers following a dispute with them over a pick-up football game…when he was 30 years old! and B.) assaulted his girlfriend on two accounts, once choking her to the point of unconsciousness. The sad thing is Phillips isn’t even the biggest coward on the team.

WR – Rae Carruth

Stats: Conspiracy to Commit Murder; Shooting into an Occupied Vehicle; Using an Instrument to Destroy an Unborn Child. Sentenced to 18-24 years.

The biggest coward on the team, Carruth conspired to have his pregnant girlfriend murdered. Why, you ask? So, he wouldn’t have to pay child support. The pathetic thing is  he hired someone else to do the dirty deed done dirt cheap.

Not even a great wide receiver, his lack of sack would definitely have his knees shaking at the thought of crossing the middle, but his brief pro experience, and the fact he’d be under contract for the next couple decades, earns Carruth a roster spot.

WR – Plaxico Burress

Stats: Criminal Possession of a Weapon; Reckless Endangerment. Sentenced to 2 years.

Although Plaxico is in jail for being more stupid than anything, he still deserves a spot on the team, seeing as he’s arguably the best receiver available, as well as one of the few Super Bowl champions on the team. One potential problem with Plaxico, though, is if ‘ish goes down on the yard, I’d worry about him shiving himself.

WR – Donte Stallworth

Stats: DUI Manslaughter. Sentenced to 30 days.

Seeing as he was only eligible for 24 days out of his 30 day sentence, Donte’s a hot commodity. The real reason Stallworth made the team and is considered the preseason MVP is because, seriously, who gets to kill someone while driving drunk and only have to spend 24 days behind bars? Donte Stallworth…that’s who! Plaxico, are you taking notes?

OL – Nate Newton

Stats: Drug Trafficking; Conspiracy to Distribute; Possession with Intent to Distribute. Sentenced to 7 ½ years from 2 separate convictions.

Someone’s gonna need to block the dogs from sacking Michael Vick. Enter Nate Newton, All-Pro, three time Super Bowl champion guard who got caught with close to 400 pounds of marijuana on two separate occasions. He only served 2 ½ years of his sentence and now speaks to children about his past. However, he makes the team for his great run blocking and because of the high number of snacks he keeps in his locker.

DE – Robert Rozier

Stats: Multiple Homicide; Check Kiting. Sentenced to 22 years for the homicide and 25 years to life for the check kiting (go figure).

Talk about a bad bad man. Robert Rozier, aka “Neariah Israel”, is by far the toughest man on our team. After leaving the NFL, Rozier joined “The Brotherhood”, a Black Supremacist cult founded by Yahweh ben Yahweh, in which he was required to murder a “white devil” and  bring back a body part to join. Eventually, Rozier admitted to killing seven white people, but then testified against “The Brotherhood”, allowing his release from prison after only 10 years.

Three years later, he was arrested for writing a bad check, and due to the third strike law…and 29 bounced checks, was sentenced to 25 years to life. It’s crazy how our justice system works. “I know, right!” screams Plaxico.

DE – Dexter Manley

Stats: Drug Possession; Evidence Tampering. Sentenced to 6 years total over two offenses.

After being banned by the NFL for failing four different drug tests, Dexter found his way into the prison system after a string of drug arrests. A self-admitted drug addict, as well as being functionally illiterate, Manly makes the team because of his dominant pass rush, which earned him the nickname, “Secretary of Defense”, which was also the type of attorney he would later need. Zing!

LB – Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

Stats: Drug Possession; Sexual Assault; Bribery. Sentenced to 4 ½ years.

Inspiring the great Lawrence Taylor to wear jersey number 56, “Hollywood” Henderson was an uber-athletic linebacker in the late ’70s, whose career was cut short due to a flamboyant and destructive lifestyle. Known to use cocaine on the sidelines as a member of the Cowboys, Hollywood’s out-of-control lifestyle caught up with him in 1983 when he was arrested for smoking crack with two teenage girls, threatening them with a gun, and sexually assaulting them. Apparently, every story has a silver lining because in 2000, Henderson won a $28 million jackpot from the Texas lottery.

CB – Darryl Henley

Stats: Drug Trafficking; Attempted Conspiracy to Commit Murder. Sentenced to 41 years.

Arguably the best cornerback available, Henley played 5 years for the then Los Angeles Rams when he met one of the team’s cheerleaders who eventually got caught at an airport with twelve kilos of cocaine in her luggage, which allegedly belonged to Henley.

She testified against him and three others, sending them all to prison. Fourteen months after his conviction, Henley was caught on tape using a cell phone — from his prison cell — to contract the murders of his “girlfriend” cheerleader and the federal judge of his trial. More bars in more places, right, AT&T?

15 Actors Who Should Star In The Expendables 2

After the early success of The Expendables, it’s only natural that word of a sequel is already out. Everyone will have their speculations as to what actors should join the greatest action ensemble ever, including me. Although there are numerous unknowns who’ve cut their teeth in dozens of action flicks, The Expendables 2 deserves more household names and faces to share the explosions and fighting that gave every man with a pair a grin from ear to ear. Hopefully Arnold (if politically possible) and Bruce will get more screen time in the sequel, but the following actors should definitely be considered for major roles regardless.

15. Tony Jaa

The stunt man turned actor is best known for his role in the Ong-Bak films. Jaa is highly skilled in martial arts and swordplay and does his own stunts without the use of wires. Although he is young and hasn’t appeared in many films, he would surely give any of the veterans a run for their money in the sequel.

14. Vinnie Jones

The tall and mysterious actor has been the tough guy in action flicks Snatch, Gone in 60 Seconds, Swordfish and X-Men: The Last Stand. He doesn’t need to say much to have an impact on the screen and can easily fit into the sequel as a villainous henchman that can kick a little butt.

13. Bolo Yeung

Bolo is the complete opposite of Tony Jaa, in that he is currently 73 years old and has appeared in over a hundred projects, mostly in Asia. He is best known in America for his work in Enter the Dragon and Bloodsport. A bodybuilder, and former martial arts student of Bruce Lee, the Beast of the East would fit right into the sequel as a member of any villain team Sly could come up with.

12. Sigourney Weaver

Women can be badasses too and few are tougher than Sigourney Weaver, who proved herself over the course of four Alien movies. At 61 years old, she is still going strong and can play a high ranking military officer that used to train with The Expendables. She might not have the fighting skills of Maggie Q or Milla Jovovich, but she can handle a weapon and know how to use it.

11. Chuck Norris

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. No one can deny that Chuck Norris can kick some serious butt and although the 70 year old has gotten away from violent action, there’s no doubt he’d be a great contributor to The Expendables 2. Even if it’s just a minor cameo similar to what Arnold did, having Chuck Norris in the sequel would be a big deal, especially if he was to throw in a roundhouse kick.

10. Linda Hamilton

After she blew us away with her unforgettable performance in Terminator 2, Linda Hamilton shied away from action so she wouldn’t be typecast as a tough chick. Fair enough to the talented actress, but what better way to pay homage to the genre that made you a star than to shoot em up in The Expendables 2? She is so versatile that she can play a hero, a villain, a soldier or a CIA agent. No matter the role, fans would be stoked to see Linda Hamilton once again with a shotgun in hand.

9. Michael Jai White

The man best known for playing Spawn is a legitimate martial artist, having earned black belts in seven martial arts styles. Appearing alongside action legends in Universal Soldier: The Return and Exit Wounds, Michael Jai White would fit the cast perfectly, probably best as a villain. A fight scene against Jason Statham would be violent and entertaining to say the least. White can also be seen as Jax in the dark and mysterious trailer/short film for a hopefully upcoming Mortal Kombat movie.

8. Carl Weathers

It only seems natural that Apollo Creed should join Rocky and Captain Ivan Drago for another moment on the big screen, this time trading in fists for guns…and still fists I guess. Although it’s been a while since Carl Weathers has been in an action film, his 1980′s highlights, which include The Predator and Action Jackson, are more than enough to qualify this former professional football player a part in the inevitable sequel.

7. Michael Madsen

Michael Madsen is best known for his psychotic portrayal of Mr. Blonde in Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs. I think he would be the perfect villain in The Expendables 2 as the leader of a group of drug smugglers or American terrorists or whoever Sly’s got in mind for the bad guy. He’s played his fare share of tough guys and has proven with Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill that he can stand out in an ensemble cast.

6. Mr. T

I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T wouldn’t be an amazing addition to The Expendables 2. Clubber Lang back on screen with Rocky (and possibly Apollo) would be fun. I see Mr. T as a good guy, maybe a former member of the group or a similar type character to what Mickey Rourke played. Being in The Expendables 2 would make up for his lack of a cameo in the A-Team movie and give the film another former action legend a shot at resurrecting his career.

5. Cyril Raffaelli

You might not know the name, but if you’ve seen Kiss of the Dragon or Live Free or Die Hard then you definitely know the face and what this martial artist and stuntman can do. He has done stunts in numerous action movies, including Hitman, Ronin and The Transporter 1 and 2. He is a graceful fighter who makes ridiculous stunts seem effortless and would no doubt be an excellent addition to The Expendables 2, especially as a villain.

4. Dwayne Johnson

The man will always be “The Rock” to me and no matter how many cheesy family movies he makes, he’ll always be a badass. Although he’ll be the baby of the group (he wasn’t even born when Sly started his acting career), he’d still fit in whether it’s as a villain or a hero. A fight against Terry Crews would be awesome and if they can find a place for him on the good team, might as well get Triple H to be the villain so they can rekindle some epic battles. Stone Cold vs. Randy Couture was cool but Triple H vs. The Rock would be classic…literally!

3. Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes, a 5th Degree Black Belt in Shotokan karate, was originally approached by Stallone for a role in The Expendables, but couldn’t do it because of his legal tax issues. If the law and scheduling can work out, hopefully Snipes can join his Demolition Man co-star for the sequel. He can play a hero or villain equally as good so I’m sure there could be a spot for him somewhere in the cast.

2. Jean-Claude Van Damm

Many people thought that of all the people left out of The Expendables, JCVD was the biggest omission. It wasn’t for lack of trying, as Sylvester Stallone offered Van Damm a role in the film, but Van Damm turned it down when Sly didn’t pitch his character particularly well…and by that I mean not at all. Now that the film’s been done, I’m sure JCVD got to see that some of the characters had depth and that the action wasn’t completely mindless (ha!) and is hopefully itching to jump into the sequel. I seem him as a villain or possibly a rogue assassin that rides solo and doesn’t take a side.

1. Steven Seagal

Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked For Death, Out For Justice, Under Siege and On Deadly Ground. These are Steven Seagal’s first six movies. All are great and all display the 7th Degree Akido master’s ass kicking ability. Although he was asked to be in The Expendables, he turned it down due to a conflict with the producer Avi Lerner. Hopefully they can patch up whatever conflict they have so this action legend can mix it up in the sequel. I think I speak for every man who loves action movies when I say, get Steven Seagal for the sequel and let him fight Jet Li.

7 Cocky Douches That Guys Love to Hate

Guys love to hate celebrities for one stupid reason or another. Sometimes it’s because our wives or girlfriends have a crush on them or sometimes it’s because they’re overrated, untalented nobodies who people obsesses over for no reason. Either way, we can all agree that cocky douchebags are the worst celebrities of them all, well, other than the non-celebrity celebrities (I’m talking to you, Jersey Shore). Here’s a list of the cocky douches that we love to hate.

7. Criss Angel

This guy cracks me up. I know magicians are supposed to put on an act, but the “Mindfreak” is so obnoxiously overboard that it’s funny. He has his friends, family, and crew on camera, wearing Criss Angel shirts, talking about how crazy and talented Criss Angel is. His creepy whisper of “Mindfreak”, followed by the awkward breathing onto the lens before apparently deep throating the camera is borderline nauseating. Sure, the ladies love it, but us guys see it as a lame attempt to be sexy.

6. Alex Rodriguez

I can say I’ve hated A-Rod since even before 2000, when he turned down a $250 million deal with the New York Mets to sign a $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers — handicapping that now bankrupt franchise for most of the decade. His smug look and arrogant persona was overshadowed by fans as he ran with the perception of being the non-steroid answer to Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire. Then there was the interview where he “admitted” to doing steroids, saying he was naive to it in a clubhouse that had more steroid users than poor plot twists in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.  Yeah, ok. He’d be higher on the list if he was still ringless or if the Yankees still needed to have paramedics on standby during every big at bat because they knew he’d choke.

5. LeBron James

It’s crazy what a simple decision can do to change ones image. It wasn’t long ago that the self-proclaimed “King” was the face of the NBA, loved by fans around the world, and favored to take over Kobe’s throne. This summer, as arguably the biggest Free Agent in the history of sports, LeBron used the stage to show us who he really is, with a self-indulged, egotistical one-hour special to stab his hometown fans in the back by announcing he was taking his talents to a South Beach slumber party with his BFF’s (I believe Paris Hilton has done something similar, but didn’t need a TV special to do so). His arrogance made him believe everyone would always like him, no matter the decision. Mr. James should know that Kings wear rings by leading their country to victory. I’m just saying, Leonidas didn’t jump onto Xerxes’ team.

4. Wilmer Valderrama

Attention ladies: God’s gift to sexy just walked through the door! That’s basically what Wilmer thinks every morning when he wakes up. Funny thing for a cocky douche though when no one knows who you are. “Big Wil”, as he calls himself, was on TV the other day and I had no clue who the smug-looking tool was until someone told me it was that dork from That 70′s Show. Partying and celebrity dating with women far more successful than you sure can turn a little nerd into a cocky douche, but not even Ashton Kutcher has ever been considered cocky and we all actually know who he is.

3. Noah and Liam Gallagher

I know what you’re thinking: Who? Noah and Liam are the douchey brother team that brought us the God-awful band, Oasis. These guys think that they’re the center of the Universe, even though their egos are so big that they don’t even like each other. The Big-Headed Brits have said enough douchebag quotes to fill a book, but here are some that stand out: “We are the biggest band in Britain of all time, ever.” (uh, the Beatles anyone?). “I respect the Stones but their songs are a pile of crap.” (I guess they never heard an Oasis CD). “Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don’t get it.” (no, we just don’t get how boring,  stupid looking douches with punchable faces and a bad attitude can think they’re bigger than music itself).

2. John Mayer

If Wilmer Valderrama is God’s gift to sexy, then John Mayer is God’s gift to women. This guy oozes douche like a group of dudes wearing sunglasses inside…at night. He started off innocent enough, writing songs that mirrored a sunset on a private beach, but as his fame grew, so did his ego. After numerous celebrity relationships and tabloid covers, John Mayer believes he is every woman’s dream and every man’s inspiration. How does someone think he’s so cool (and a badass) when he plays such sissy music?! John Mayer will probably tell you the answer without thinking twice about the words that vomit out his mouth. Anyone want to guess who’s gonna follow in this guy’s footsteps? I’ll take Justin Bieber, whoever the hell that is!

1. Kanye West

“I’m the #1 artist in the world right now…I am the #1 human being in music.” It doesn’t matter when this quote was said by Mr. Overrated, it was never the case. Was there any question who the cockiest douche is? Kanye is so full of himself, I would bet that he buys a million of his own CD’s just so his sales are up. Does anyone really take this guy seriously? Even though he claimed that being called a gay fish on television set him straight, a few months later he pulled the infamous stunt at the MTV Video Music Awards. This guy’s a cocky douche no matter what he does or says. So step on up Kanye, and accept an award meant for you, one that you actually deserve: Cockiest Douche Guys Love to Hate!

Surefire Tips to Win Your Fantasy Football League

The dog days of summer have always been a downtime for sports fans. With LeBron’s “Decision” finally past us, ESPN will turn its focus to Brett Favre’s “Decision” (take 5), but since it is now August, only one thing matters: Fantasy Football and your draft day decisions! I have gone undefeated over the last six fantasy leagues I’ve been a part of, including football, baseball and basketball, and want to share some helpful tips I use during each draft with the COED Community, as well as giving you my sure pick and sleeper pick for each position.  So grab your cheat sheets and mock drafts, add this list to the pile, and good luck!

5. Dual Eligibility

Now, I’ll admit it, dual eligibility isn’t as vital in Fantasy Football as it is in basketball and baseball, but it is still an important tip to have in the back of your mind. Whenever a player can get you multiple positions, it is always a plus and if this was baseball or basketball, dual eligibility would be ranked top two. In most football leagues, the defense and special teams are considered one. Therefore, if the league you’re in rewards more points for special teams (return yardage), it doesn’t necessarily mean the best defense is the smartest pick. Chances are, if a team puts up big return numbers in the special teams, it means they’re returning a lot of kickoffs, which means their defense is giving up a lot of scores. See?

Defense/Special Teams Sure Pick: NY Jets

Defense/Special Teams Sleeper Pick: Houston Texans

4. Bye Weeks

Before the draft, make sure you know which teams have which bye weeks. Similar to dual eligibility, but more important when it comes to Fantasy Football, making sure you know the bye weeks can guarantee you fill every slot each and every week. Missed games are worse than a bad game from your best player, because missed games obviously get you zero points, which is never a good thing. So use the bye week knowledge to your advantage when drafting, even if it means going deeper on the depth chart than you’d like, just to be sure you can get players that can actually get you points when others are off.

Tight End Sure Pick: Dallas Clark

Tight End Sleeper Pick: Dustin Keller

3. The Bench

In order to win in fantasy sports, just like real sports, you must secure your bench. Bench players fill the spots left open by injuries, bye weeks, rest and suspensions. Going back to the previous two tips, the goal is to have every roster spot filled each and every week. Also, proper planning in the draft can help in multiple ways when it comes to your bench. It all depends on the league you’re in as to how many bench spots you have, so plan accordingly. It is important to have an above average bench player for your top point getting positions. For example, if your league is point heavy for running backs, and you’re allowed two RB’s to start and three total bench players, it would be wise to draft three or even four running backs before even selecting a defense, kicker or even tight end. Not only will you have backups for the most injury prone position, but you can take better talent away from your competitors and have good trade chips in case you want to make a deal.

Wide Receiver Sure Pick: Andre Johnson

Wide Receiver Sleeper Pick: Santana Moss

2. Transactions

Each league will have its own rules on transactions, so make sure you know them going into the season. Transactions are a good way to improve your team during the season, as long as you use them wisely. Don’t jump the gun on an available player because he had a good game. My biggest tip to a successful transaction is to go by average points. You want consistency on your team, so if a decent player goes off on a particular week, which happens, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will produce over the entire season. Also, don’t blow your transactions in the first few weeks. Save as many as you can just in case you need them when it gets closer to the playoffs. You never know when a key player will go down with an injury so its best to save your transactions until you absolutely need them.

Running Back Sure Pick: Chris Johnson

Running Back Sleeper Pick: Cedric Benson

1. Gut Instinct

It’s pretty basic, but using your gut instinct is vital to a successful Fantasy Football franchise. Don’t get too caught up in last years numbers or the hype around some big name players. Top players, running backs especially, seem to differ from year to year. Of course you have the Peyton Manning’s, Drew Brees’s and Tom Brady’s who will consistently put up great numbers each year, but you can’t just count on ESPN’s Draft Kit to bring home the championship. If you know a player is in a contract year (Cedric Benson), is on a new team (Terrell Owens) or has new players surrounding him (Santana Moss), don’t be afraid to take a chance on him even if he’s lower on the depth chart. Just don’t use your number one pick on him. It can work the other way too. The new team might not fit the player’s skills as previous teams where he succeeded (Terrell Owens in Buffalo). This all comes down to your gut instinct. If your draft takes place before Brett Favre’s “Decision”, but you feel he’s coming back, don’t be afraid to take a chance on him or the Minnesota Viking’s receiving corps in the later rounds.

Quarterback Sure Pick: Drew Brees

Quarterback Sleeper Pick: Chad Henne

So there you have it! Hopefully these tips can help you beatdown your friends, classmates or coworkers during the upcoming football season. Oh, there ‘s one more pick: the all important kicker (sarcasm for most leagues).

Kicker Sure Pick: Stephen Gostkowski

Kicker Sleeper Pick: Garrett Hartley

Remembering Bo Jackson’s Greatness

Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Bo has always known a lot, as evidenced by this famous commercial. There’s never a wrong time to remember the greatness that is Bo, and wonder why the man responsible for the blast that rocked the ’89 All-Star Game is still not in the Hall of Fame, baseball or football…or even this Tecmo Bowl Throwback. What’s up with that? Not even Bo knows. Maybe Denver Dream’s Skyler can provide some answers.

What Her Drink Really Says About Her

If you’re a guy that hits up bars or parties trying to date girls out of your league, or perhaps some girls gone too wild, you should definitely know what her drink really says about her. It wouldn’t hurt to know what your drink says about you either. Even if you’re a Hollywood assclown just looking to get some ass, learning how to create the ultimate bachelor pad can also guarantee you’ll be looking at drunk girls kissing and motorboating for years to come!

10 Pre-2000′s Movies Every Guy Must See

Sequels, Remakes, Reboots and “Reimaginationings” have been Hollywood’s bread and butter over the past decade, however movies like 2008′s Rambo and Alien vs. Predator wouldn’t exist without the original classics from the decades before it. If you’re a guy and haven’t seen these movies, you better speed, shoot, fight or explode yourself to your local Blockbuster, add them to your Netflix Queue or find them on eBay because they’re all must-sees.

10. Bloodsport

Released: 1988

Based on true events from the late 70′s, Bloodsport is a martial arts classic and can be credited as being the movie that jump-started Jean-Claude Van Damme’s career (thanks?). It also featured some of the best fighting from around the world and pit Van Damme against bodybuilder and kung-fu legend, Bolo Yeung in an illegal, and sometimes deadly, martial arts tournament. Not for the faint of heart, Bloodsport is like the Karate Kid, only pissed off, violent and for men.

9. Top Gun

Released: 1986

Whenever I feel the need, the need for speed, I’ll inject my DVD player with the Tom Cruise action classic, Top Gun. Any guy who’s dreamed of flying mach speeds in fighter jets, while shooting enemies out of the sky like video games can appreciate the genius behind Top Gun. Released nearly 25 years ago, it remains the best fighter pilot movie out there. It has an all-star cast, unforgettable scenes and most importantly, given guys around the world call signs like “Maverick”, “Goose”, “Viper” and “Iceman” to call themselves as they speed around the city with their friends (or was I the only one?).

8. RoboCop

Released: 1987

This futuristic, crime filled action movie combines all the elements that make a flawless guy movie: guns, explosions, robots and the unrealistic. You can’t go wrong with that combo and RoboCop delivers. Originally given an X Rating, RoboCop does not shy away from violence, with the execution of Officer Alex Murphy as one of the most bloody and violent scenes ever shot on film. RoboCop is an icon in the world of guy movies and has spawned numerous sequels, comic books, action figures and cartoons, with word of a RoboCop reboot for release within the next couple years. Gun slinging robots, violent crime lords and hilarious in-film commercials make RoboCop a must see for any guy.

7. Goodfellas

Released: 1990

With all due respect to Godfather and Scarface, classic gangster movies that rank up with the all time greats in the film industry, the must-see gangster movie for any man walking this earth is Goodfellas. Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta are at the top of their games in this Martin Scorsese mafia film about the real life Henry Hill. Every guy wants to be in the mob at least once in his life and Goodfellas does a great job of taking you on that journey. Money and power and women and power and money. Add some violence, bad language and Joe Pesci’s comic relief and you have a must see for any guy who wants to be Tony Soprano.

6. Cobra

Released: 1986

When you think of Sylvester Stallone , Rocky and Rambo immediately come to mind. Not many people reference Lieutenant Marion ” Cobra” Cobretti when talking about the action legend, however, every guy needs to know who Cobra is. An officer with the LAPD’s “Zombie Squad” division, Cobra is a total badass that takes on the worst kind of criminals in this uber-cliche 80′s action thriller. Explosions, gunfights and slick one liners make Cobra a classic guy film. Seriously, the poster is even tough looking. Next time you’re forced to go grocery shopping with the misses, come home and put some Cobra on. You’ll see why.

5. Reservoir Dogs

Released: 1992

Two years before there was Pulp Fiction, there was Reservoir Dogs, birthing Quentin Tarantino’s uniquely jumbled timelines, ultra violent, character driven films. Reservoir Dogs gets the heart racing and the mind twisting in every direction with anticipation, as we follow a group of criminal strangers who get together for a mega heist. In true Quentin fashion, there are some bumps in the road, guns, witty dialogue, more guns, more witty dialogue and a plot that will have everyone guessing. Plus, Michael Madsen, one of the ultimate guy movie actors, is at his absolute best.

4. Full Metal Jacket

Released: 1987

Unforgettable quotes, abusive military training, the Vietnam War and dark comedy make Full Metal Jacket a cult classic among guys everywhere. R. Lee Ermey is at his absolute best as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman as he tortures and demoralizes recruits for the U.S. Marine Corps. Whether you’ve seen the movie or not, you have surely heard some of its memorable quotes in your dorm, at work or at a bar. Although it’s about the military and the Vietnam War, its hard to consider it a “war” movie, but consider it a must-see for any guy.

3. Animal House

Released: 1978

Not just an ultimate guy movie, but the quintessential college movie of all time, National Lampoon’s Animal House is the story of partying, mischief, immaturity and irresponsible behavior at the Delta House. John Belushi is a guy’s hero as “Bluto”, who is at the middle of the shenanigans and the memorable Toga Party, as well as delivering one of the most inspiring speeches in film history. “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” Watch this classic to find out.

2. Predator

Released: 1987

What guy’s movie list could be complete without including an Arnold classic? None. That’s why Predator comes in at number two. What makes Predator so great is that Arnie and his team don’t know anything about the Predator, but are on a rescue mission to find a team that’s gone missing after their helicopter was shot down. In the middle of the forest, the team realizes that they are being hunted by the ultimate killing machine. Predator is action packed with actors fit for guy roles and enough fire power that will make any Predator, or forest, run for cover. Who am I kidding? Predators don’t run for cover…and neither does Arnold. This is a classic movie that’s still fun to watch.

1. Die Hard

Released: 1988

Was there any doubt? If you’re a guy and you haven’t seen Die Hard, you need to go get checked between the legs…and then you need to go get Die Hard on your way home. Bruce Willis is flawless as the likable John McClane, the average man who always seems to be stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. While visiting his estranged wife at her Christmas party in Los Angeles, New York Police Officer McClane is able to disappear as a group of terrorists led by the toughest named villain in action movie history, Hans Gruber, take the party-goers hostage, his wife included. Safe to say John McClane isn’t just going to hide in a closet until they leave, which makes him such a favorite among guys everywhere. He’s tough, witty and always overcomes the odds. The ending is classic so if you haven’t seen it, I won’t ruin it, but you better see it before you’re done reading this article.

Honorable Mention and still Must Sees: Scarface (1983), The Godfather (1972), First Blood (1982), The Warriors (1979), The Outsiders (1983)

Baseball’s Greatest and Most Bizarro Batting Stances

If you’ve ever watched a baseball game on TV or visited 30 stadiums in 30 days, chances are you’ve seen him. The batter with the bizarro batting stance, where it looks like he’s trying to get back to the locker room to drop a deuce. Perhaps he’s wanting to coerce the pitcher into a brawl or is so anxious for his next “hit” that he can’t stand still. Even the most hilarious fans can appreciate and celebrate their uniquely bizarro batting stances.

Ranking (and Predicting) the 2010 NBA Free Agent Class

Over the past two years, the talk around the NBA has centered around where LeBron James will play in 2010. Finally, that time is near. After July 1, LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and many other top superstars will potentially be changing zip codes. Although some players such as Dirk Nowitzki, Amare Stoudemire, and Paul Pierce have Early Termination Options (ETO) and are likely to remain with their respective teams, they’re included on this list in case they do opt out, which will only add to the biggest free agent class in the history of sports.

10. Rudy Gay – SF

An athletic, multi-dimensional forward, Gay has spent his first 4 seasons with the Memphis Grizzlies and is the only Restricted Free Agent on this list, meaning Memphis can match any offer Gay receives if they so chose.

Where I think he should go: Memphis Grizzlies

The Griz are a player or two away from being a perennial playoff team only if they find a way to keep Rudy Gay, however, it’s unlikely that the small-market Grizzlies will be able to match any offer.

Where I think he will go: Miami Heat

This will count on Pat Riley finding a taker for Michael Beasley, perhaps in a sign and trade with Memphis for Gay. I think Miami’s the best fit for Gay, providing they can resign Dwyane Wade, as well as get a top tier big man like Chris Bosh or Amare.

9. David Lee – C/PF

One of the best young big men in the league, David Lee and his ability to rebound and hit the mid-range jumper, will be a great pick up for any team.

Where I think he should go: Atlanta Hawks

Assuming Joe Johnson leaves, the Hawks can easily fill his starting spot with Sixth Man of the Year Winner, Jamal Crawford. Atlanta has struggled the past couple years with their Power Forward position. If they can find a taker for Marvin Williams (or he agrees to come off the bench), it would leave the door open for the versatile Lee, who would be a good fit on the front line with Al Horford and Josh Smith.

Where I think he will go: New York Knicks

Although the Knicks have made more boneheaded moves than Sideshow Mel, I do believe they’ll do the right thing and resign David Lee. If they want any chance of landing LeBron, they’ll need to surround him with talent, and the young Lee can be a very integral part of their future.

8. Carlos Boozer – PF

A tough veteran, Carlos Boozer’s strong low post game will add power inside for any team looking to pay him. Although he’s on point with Deron Williams, he’s largely ineffective against the Lakers and with Paul Millsap waiting in the wings, it’s highly unlikely that the Utah Jazz spend the money to keep Boozer.

Where I think he should go: Chicago Bulls

I know the focus of the Bulls this summer is to sign LeBron James, so the reality of Boozer joining them is slim, however, if the Bulls were to sign James and have some money left over, both the Bulls and Boozer would be silly not to join forces, where he can play alongside Joakim Noah down low.

Where I think he will go: Miami Heat

For the past two years, every trade rumor involving Boozer had the Miami Heat’s name involved, so now that he’s an unrestricted free agent, it is only fitting that he goes to the city where he spends every off season. It’d be a perfect fit, which I’ll explain why a little further down.

7. Joe Johnson – SG

Safe to say that after his no-show in this years playoffs, Joe Johnson’s stock has definitely fallen. However, he still ranks as the second best 2 guard on the market.

Where I think he should go: Dallas Mavericks

Every year Dallas is “one player away” and every year Mark Cuban tries to find that player, whether it’s Jason Kidd, Shawn Marion or Caron Butler. Well this summer, it’s Joe Johnson. All the other pieces are in place for the Mavs, yet the one thing they truly lack is a number two option so that Dirk Nowitzki doesn’t have to score 40 points for them to have the chance to win. Jason Terry tries to be that guy, but he is somewhat inconsistent off the bench. Johnson would give them a legitimate 20 point scorer and the opportunity to give Kidd some rest during the long season.

Where I think he will go: New York Knicks

Spolier Alert: I don’t think LeBron will be going to New York. Sorry Knicks fans, but Joe Johnson is your consolation prize. The bright spot would be that the Knicks will finally have a consistent scorer and someone who should benefit from Mike D’Antoni’s offense. The negative (other than losing the LeSweepstakes) is they’ll still lack a proven playoff performer.

6. Paul Pierce – SF

One of only two World Champions on the list, Pierce has the Early Termination Option, and although a few months ago I thought he might exercise said option, the Celtics’ recent resurgence and deep playoff run have put that thought on hold.

Where I think he should go: Los Angeles Clippers

Yep, I said the Clippers. I’ll give you two reasons why. First, he grew up in L.A., and although he routed for them, he wouldn’t dare play for the hated Lakers. Second, the Clippers have a young and promising team (as they seem to every year) who can use a veteran like Pierce who’s won in the playoffs.

Where I think he will go: Boston Celtics

You’d be crazy (which I am) to think Paul Pierce would finish his career anywhere other than Boston. He’s up there with Larry Bird and Bill Russell when it comes to Celtic legacy.

5. Amare Stoudemire – PF/C

Also with the ETO, I would be surprised if Stoudemire chooses to stay with Phoenix because of the fact they have repeatedly thrown his name out there in trade talks and he’s expressed his annoyances with that. If he does leave, he will provide any team with a low post scoring threat that has added a lethal mid-range jumper, however his defense is still beyond suspect.

Where I think he should go: New York Knicks

The Knicks need someone who can sell tickets and I’m not totally sure that Stoudemire can do that on his own, however, he is an uber athletic Power Forward that can score at will and reuniting with Mike D’Antoni would provide Stoudemire with a spark. David Lee can shift to center and grab the rebounds that Amare has shown he’s sometimes unwilling to get.

Where I think he will go: New York Knicks

Whether they land LeBron or not, Stoudemire is a good fit in New York for the above reasons I just named. As teams in the West look to match up with the Lakers, guys like Stoudemire and Boozer, who can’t match up with the Lakers bigs, are likely to shift conferences. David Lee, Amare Stoudemire and Joe Johnson sure aren’t LeBron and Bosh, but they should be good enough to get the Knicks back into the playoffs in the East.

4. Chris Bosh – PF/C

A skilled Power Forward/Center, Chris Bosh has averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds over his career and is hands down the best second option available and will make a great running rate with LeBron or Wade.

Where I think he should go: Miami Heat

If Pat Riley hopes to keep Dwyane Wade, he’s going to have to pull out all the stops. Not only will he have to rejoin Wade on the bench, but he will need to pick up another superstar to play down low. Chris Bosh is the perfect fit for Miami because of his unselfish play, his rebounding tenacity and the fact him and Wade are friends, draft classmen and Olympic teammates.  To me, this is a no brainer.

Where I think he will go: Miami Heat

If Chris Bosh wants a legitimate shot at a championship, other than a rumored trade to the Lakers, teaming up with Dwyane Wade is a must. Bosh knows it. Wade knows it. Riley knows it. Like I said, no brainer.

3. Dirk Nowitzki – PF

After yet another disappointing early playoff exit, Nowitzki let his emotions run free when he said that he might be willing to opt out of his contract with the Dallas Mavericks. Most people believe he said it in the heat of the moment, if he was to opt out like the rumors say, it would change every team’s free agent approach.

Where I think he should go: Phoenix Suns

Dirk would be an upgrade over Amare, although they’ve both averaged nearly the same numbers over their respective careers, he has been a more consistent player who stays relatively healthy and has been known to put up big numbers in the playoffs. Dallas’ playoff struggles really can’t be blamed on Dirk (26/11 career playoff averages). Not only would he reunite with his best friend, Steve Nash, but his ability to create shots, hit the long range jumpers and beat defenders off the dribble will add some more firepower to the best offense in the league.

Where I think he will go: Dallas Mavericks

No way Mark Cuban allows Dirk to walk. He would probably strip the entire team and start over than to let the greatest Dallas Maverick of all time go to another team, especially a Western Conference rival. Luckily for Dirk, Mark Cuban is that type of owner who won’t just sit by. He’s got deep pockets and a dedication to winning so I’m sure he will do whatever it takes to keep Dirk and to add one more piece to that team. My opinion is a scoring 2 guard. Joe Johnson, anyone? Unless…and that’s a pretty big unless, they can get Dwyane Wade.

2. LeBron James – SF

LeBron James number 2?! Am I insane? Yes…and no. I understand that the focus of this entire summer is centered around LeBron. I understand that many believe he is the greatest basketball player in the world (I’m still picking Kobe for that title). I understand he’s coming off back to back MVP’s. However, and I truly believe this, he can’t be the leader of a championship team. At least not now. This has already been proven in back to back years in Cleveland where the best record in the league hasn’t even been able to get a Finals appearance.

Where I think he should go: Chicago Bulls

Although the pressure to win will be high wherever he goes, no doubt it would be highest if LeBron decides to step into the shadow of his hero, which I’m not sure he’s willing to do. However, the fact he already changed his number, the chance to play with Derrick Rose and the possibility of returning the Bulls to greatness could give LeBron added motivation. I personally think that of all the teams with money to sign him, Chicago is the best destination. It’s just a question if LeBron wants to burden the responsibility of bringing Chicago a title.

Where I think he will go: Chicago Bulls

Let’s run down the list. Cleveland? Nope. He essentially quit on his team, the city and his fans against the Celtics. Time for a fresh start. New Jersey? No way. Although their new owner is loaded, they will be playing in Newark over the next 3 seasons. Miami? Nah. Dwyane Wade needs a low post guy and we all know LeBron has a weak low post game. L.A. Clippers? Definitely not. Although they have a strong young core, LeBron doesn’t want to go to a city where he’ll already be second fiddle. New York Knicks? Maybe. LeBron’s favorite city and favorite arena, however they need too many pieces. Other teams have been linked in sign and trades most notably Dallas and the Lakers, however I doubt that. Chicago has the pieces in place and is ready to regain the powerhouse stature it held in the 90′s when Michael Jordan was running things.

1. Dwyane Wade – SG

Dwyane Wade is number 1 for this reason: he’s a champion. Anytime you can add an explosive superstar with a Championship and a Finals MVP, you should put him tops on the list. I think that if Dwyane Wade was on the Cavs this year in place of LeBron James, Cleveland would be representing the East in the Finals. No way he quits like that.

Where I think he should go: Miami Heat

If Pat Riley steps up and surrounds Wade with the right caliber of players, he would be foolish not to resign with the Heat. (Note to Pat Riley: trade Michael Beasley). I know Wade grew up in Chicago and there’s been rumors he might want to join the Bulls, and I feel that if this was last summer, he probably would’ve. But I think Riley will add some key pieces and come back down to the bench to show Wade that Miami is serious at another title run. Also, the Miami fans love the guy, as evident from this.

Where I think he will go: Miami Heat

Now for my explanation on why Carlos Boozer, Rudy Gay and Chris Bosh will join Dwyane Wade in Miami. The Heat have so much cap space it’s crazy. They only have three players under contract for next season, one of which is Michael Beasley, who must be traded for this to work out. Then they’d have Bosh at Center, Boozer at PF, Gay at SF and Wade at SG. That’s a pretty good top four that would work. Wade would still be the Alpha Male and he’d now have two very good big men and an athletic wing man, none of which are known to be “ball-hogs”. Note: If Pat Riley sits on his hands and LeBron doesn’t go to the Bulls, Wade will.

The 10 Most Badass Women of Hollywood

How to Extend Your 15 Minutes of Fame

Everyone with a webcam or a knack for having sex with married celebrities can get their fifteen minutes of fame. But only the truly talented can extend those 15 minutes into an interview on 20/20, a Playboy contract, and a television series. We’ve put together a handy guide on turning your 15 minutes of fame into a a lifelong career of book signings, national news mugshot cameos, and late-career sex tape success.

5. Get arrested

When Paris Hilton, someone who seriously has no business being a celebrity in the first place, got arrested in early 2007, I thought all hell was about to break loose. Word of her arrest, and subsequent “prison sentence” littered the news stations and magazines. There were polls and debates whether or not she should serve time, and everyone from my little sister to CNN had something to say about it. Paris has continued to do whatever it takes to stay in the spotlight — including starring in the indie comedy, House of Wax. So kids, remember, after that sex tape leaks, make sure you get arrested!

4. Have a baby

Americans are suckers for a cute, wide-eyed baby. Attach that baby to someone we’ve heard about in the news and we all go gaga for infants. Kourtney Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, and Nicole Ritchie are just a few of the “celebrities” who’ve recently popped one of these paparazzi magnets out after most of us have forgotten that they even existed. Not only does it guarantee you a magazine cover, but it also guarantees you that you’ll be back in the spotlight in 15 years or so when your precious little baby has her first sex scandal, drug rehab stint, or affair with a married man.

3. Cheat or divorce your more successful spouse

This one goes out to you Jesse James and Kevin Federline, who have taken this tip to all new heights. No one even knew who K-Fat was before his highly publicized divorce with Britney Spears and the ongoing custody battle that ensued. The same pretty much goes with Jesse James, who got his 15 minutes of fame because he makes motorcycles look like…motorcycles. After some low-profile marriages and divorces, James somehow managed to marry Sandra Bullock, and proceeded to royally eff it all up by having numerous sexcapades while she was out filming blockbuster movies. If you happen to land a spouse that’s more successful than you, and feel like it’s taking away from your fifteen minutes, divorce them…or cheat on them and then get divorced.

2. Make a movie, CD, clothing line, perfume etc.

Breaking into a business that you have no business being in is a sure-fire way to keep your name in the spotlight. No one has been better at this than Paris Hilton, who has appeared in a hand-full of movies, released her CD called, you guessed it…”Paris”, on her record label (seriously), Heiress Records, launched a clothing line and a fragrance, and has also released two books. Other “celebs” who’ve used this tip to their advantage are Tila Tequila, (famous for having a bunch of friends on myspace) who released 3 singles, an EP and a book. The Kardashians, with a clothing line and rumors of a Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s movie (kill me now), and the Jersey Shore cast, who announced plans to release a book… although that’s probably just to prove they’re not illiterate.

1. Get a reality show

It seems as if every week a new reality show pops up starring some random person most of us have never heard of in our lives. I’m pretty sure any of us can get a reality show at Wal-Mart or maybe even 7-11. Either way, getting your own reality show is the Number 1 way to extend those fifteen minutes of fame you surely earned in the first place. What makes this concept so simple is that there are so many different ways to go about it. Looking for love? Tila Tequila, who I guess couldn’t find love on myspace, starred in two seasons of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila (yack!), New York (no, not the state), featured herself looking for love in I love New York after she failed twice to win Flavor Flav’s heart, Ray J, Brandy’s brother and the man on the Kim Kardashian sex tape, starred on For the Love of Ray J (I guess his audition tape wasn’t good enough) and there are rumors out there saying that Jersey Shore favorite Snooki could be looking for love as well.

Top 6 Hottest Pic Links On The Web!

5 Hollywood Directors That Need to be Fired

We all love to go to the movies, but there are still those times when you  finish a movie and think to yourself, “what the hell just happened and how can I get the last 2 hours of my life back?” Then the credits start to roll and you see that it was directed by the same guy that has already made 14 other horrible films. Now you’re thinking, “how the hell is that guy still making movies?” These directors are on the list for different reasons, from being overrated to constantly ruining franchises to making the same ridiculous movie over and over. They must be stopped!

5. Eli Roth

Resume: Cabin Fever; Hostel; Hostel 2

Eli Roth suffers mostly from a little term I like to call Over-Hypeness-Syndrome (actually, I just made that up). He’s just a basic, generic director that has absolutely nothing to offer but some blood and guts. However, when Quentin Tarantino speaks, people listen. Although Quentin has always been one of my favorite filmmakers, he deeply disappointed me (and other real horror fans) when he described Roth as “the future of horror.”  This officially led to Roth being the trendy, hot, new horror director. Even though I must admit that I do like Cabin Fever, it is hardly horror. It’s more campy comedy than scary and neither Hostel film, although they had their moments, was able to make a fourteen year old girl scream bloody murder. Gory and gross? Yes. The worst European vacation promo video ever? Yes. Horror? Not even close.

4. Brett Ratner

Resume: Rush Hour Trilogy; X-Men: The Last Stand; After the Sunset; Red Dragon

Although Ratner’s movies aren’t really that bad, he’s on the list for his unwarranted cockiness as well as his butchering of the X-Men franchise. Seriously, who let this guy direct the Last Stand?! If I was able to feel bad, I’d feel bad for Ratner, who had to follow up Bryan Singer’s successful start-up with X-Men and his amazing job with X2, but I’m not a feeling bad kinda guy. Although X-Men: The Last Stand wasn’t the worst movie in the world it was more of a joke than anything considering it had the most potential with 2 successful films before it. Yet Ratner found a way to not only ruin the franchise, but ultimately end it, by killing off half the characters. Not to mention, the continuity goofs, especially the ridiculous ending fight sequence where it turns from day to night in the matter of seconds. The Rush Hour movies were what they were, although the world would’ve been better if there were 2 less of them. The only good thing Ratner did was playing himself on Entourage, as an egotistical, self-absorbed brat.

3. Stephen Sommers

Resume: The Mummy; The Mummy Returns; Van Helsing; G.I. Joe

Need a classic story turned into a CGI crapfest? Enter Stephen Sommers, who must own a a lot of stock in CGI since it pollutes his movies like none other. The worst part is that it’s bad CGI. Its one thing to use CGI as a tool, but to have it infect the screen, looking like it was done by a 16 year old kid experimenting with it on his mom’s laptop, is unacceptable and insultingly cheesy. Now I will admit I did like G.I. Joe, seeing as I had negative expectations going in (although Cobra Commander’s mask angered me with how terrible it looked).

2. Uwe Boll

Resume: House of the Dead; Alone in the Dark; Bloodrayne

When news that the popular video game, House of the Dead, was being made into a movie, my friends and I were very excited since we’d spend hours at the arcade shooting up zombies. It took all of about fifteen minutes for me to forever hate Uwe Boll. After happily walking out of the theater and swearing off the name Uwe Boll, I made the unfortunate mistake of going back to the theater for Alone in the Dark (I did not know Boll was directing…I have only myself to blame). I would’ve again loved to walk out but I was asleep before I had the chance. I woke up just in time for the ridiculous ending and was more furious that this idiot was allowed to make another movie. Maybe in Germany movies can suck worse than a snaggle-toothed hooker and lose more money than I’ve lost playing the Goldfish slots in Vegas, but I’d hope for better standards in America. Sure, there’s been plenty of American filmmakers who’ve put out garbage like its bulk-trash day, but none that have been as unsuccessful as Boll ever get another chance at a major release.

1. M. Night Shyamalan

Resume: Unbreakable; The Village; Lady In the Water; The Happening

The reason M. Night is ahead of Uwe Boll for the top spot is because for some reason, people STILL go watch his movies. Maybe everyone is still waiting for a half-decent twist…finally. The Village is easily one of the  top 5 worst movies I’ve ever seen and the twist ending was so ridiculously terrible, I’m surprised anyone wants to see his new movies!  Opinion or not, M. Night has one single formula for all his movies: an unbelievable idea based on what some people would consider creepy, add some mood and (attempted) suspense, which all lead up to an anti-climactic, revealing twist ending. Bravo, Mr. Shyamalan. Now all I need is a 5^th Grade class (for ideas) and a couple million bucks and I can make an M. Night original. Luckily, the rest of the world is coming around to see what I’ve seen four movies ago. Critics are on to his thin plot ideas and cop out twists.

The 5 Best Bets for Your 2010 MLB Steroid Pool

As a new baseball season is upon us, its time to make your bets on the next MLB Player to get caught with his hand in the needle jar. Similar to the growingly popular Celebrity Death Pool, this is a game I like to call the Steroid Pool (Roger Clemens just ran to get his bathing suit). Here are some safe bets that can have you cleaning out your friends’ piggy banks.

5. Jorge Posada – New York Yankees

Career Home Runs: 243

Now although Jorge has never been known for his power, there are two key factors to consider. One, he plays for the Yankees, the Mr. Brownstone of steroids. Two,  his home run average during the years when steroids were at their high (2000-2005) was 23 per year, as opposed to 15 per year every other year he’s been in the league. Not a sure thing, but definitely a safe bet.

4. Andruw Jones – Chicago White Sox

Career Home Runs: 388

Andruw Jones has been in the league for 14 years. Save for his rookie season and an injury plagued 2008, Jones has averaged 29 home runs for ten of his twelve full seasons. In the other two, 2005 & 2006, he averaged 46 home runs per season. That’s not even to mention his obvious weight gain and puffy face.

3. Carlos Pena – Tampa Bay Rays

Career Home Runs: 202

Carlos Pena, the Wild Card on the list, bounced around for 6 seasons before finally finding a home in Tampa Bay. During those first six seasons, he hit 86 home runs. But since arriving at Tampa, he has hit 116 home runs in just three seasons. To be fair, he only averaged 85 games per season before becoming a Ray, where he’s since averaged 141 games.  However, he is now hitting a home run once every 13 at bats, as opposed to every 20 at bats in his first six seasons. There is one glaring fact that cannot be overlooked. He came into the league with the Texas Rangers in 2001, the same team with known steroid lovers, Alex Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez and Ken Caminiti. Where there’s smoke…

2. Albert Pujols – St. Louis Cardinals

Career Home Runs: 366

Averaging a ridiculous 41 home runs per season over his 9 year career, Pujols has (so far) successfully avoided being linked to steroids. His name has only come up in speculation, and he has never had a substantial allegation against him, but we all know that it’s the quiet ones you need to watch out for. There have been too many players over the past ten years that we all thought were in no way affiliated with steroids, yet time and time again have been proven wrong. Why would Pujols be any different?

1. Mark Teixeira – New York Yankees

Career Home Runs: 242

If the Yankees are the Mr. Brownstone of steroids, the Texas Rangers are the Dr. Feelgoods. Teixeira played 4 ½ seasons with the Rangers, before a series of trades and free agency landed him with the Yankees. Although Teixeira has been a constant slugger, belting an average of 35 home runs a year, the fact he’s played for both the Rangers and Yankees is hard to overlook. Notable players who’ve played for both teams: Alex Rodriguez, Alfonso Soriano, Kenny Rogers, Kevin Brown and Ivan Rodriguez. The common denominator: all have been heavily linked to steroids.

Also safe bets: Miguel Cabrera, Ryan Howard, Adam Dunn