How To Make a Sex Tape (and Not Get Caught)

So you’ve made a sex tape. Let me be the first to say “I tremble in awe at your overwhelming alpha male-ness”. Now for the bad news: a sex tape is like having your own personal Octomom… it’s weirder than you initially thought, it’s intriguing to watch, and it can pop out more copies than a Tim Burton plot. The last thing you want to do is give any dude the option of “making stomach pancakes” to an online video of yourself, not to mention the fact that no girl is going to touch a guy who has literally gone viral. Of course, this shouldn’t deter you from getting out your tripod (that’s what she said), hitting the record button, and choosing from the long list of Brazzers plots you want to recreate. So unleash your inner Spielberg and take a crash course in sex-taping 101 – cause the only red carpet you want to be going down is her’s. Zing!

Rule 1: Technology is not your Friend.

Have you ever watched porn in HD? If not, let me assure you that erotica was not meant to be a1080p experience. Some porn stars refuse to be shot in HD, and these people screw on camera for a living, so what makes you think that you’ll look anything less than ridiculous on your flatscreen. New video cameras are mostly flash drive based which is dangerous considering the ease with which the video can be transferred, copied, and posted on sites like youporn or xvideos. Stick with an old MiniDV camcorder, and not only will it take some serious effort for someone with malintent to digitize it , but you won’t have to see every excruciating detail in future screenings.

Rule 2: One is the Loneliest Number

This is the simplest but perhaps the most important rule in making a sex tape; never, I repeat NEVER make a copy. Unless you are a socialite with daddy issues, a rock star, or a D-list reality television celebrity desperately clinging onto a moment in time when they were more socially relevant, a sex tape is not going to be beneficial for your career… and by career I mean the possibility of ever getting laid again. The world is a dangerous place; you’ve got vengeful ex’s, friends who love pranks, and coitus connoisseurs just itching for their next hit of amateur x-rated recordings. All of whom are one click away from forcefully inserting you into a new profession. And while your first instinct may be to shout “Everyone look at me, I just had sex, and taped it!!” from a mountain top, or fashion a rudimentary sex tape parade in your honor, these public displays will backfire worse than an ill-advised experimentation with anal beads.

Rule 3: Butter Face

The epic fail of the Butter Face plays out like a Shakespearean tragedy. Boy gets drunk, boy meets girl with slammin’ body, girl sleeps with drunk boy, boy wakes up only to realize that his copulatory concubine is an 8 from the neck down, and a double bagger from the neck up – one bag on her face and one on yours in case hers falls off. There are two lessons that we can learn from this tale of woe and horror; 1. Stock up on bags, because you’re probably going to keep check-mating the occasional harpy, plus doggy style was invented for the butter face, and 2. If you never see her face then she remains as hot as her boobs will let her. While certainly taking some of the fun out of you’re silver screen sexin’, if you never show either of your faces then deniability is yours.

Rule 4: The Best Rule Everrrrrr!

Mix 1 part American Pyscho with 2 parts Game Theory and infinity parts Awesome, and you will have constructed your very own Light saber of studliness. Here’s how I see it: If you make a sex tape with a girl and you break up, one of you is going to be in possession of said sex tape, and if the break up went poorly who knows what could happen to it. If the sex tape is of you having a “Holy crap I can’t believe this is actually happening” threesome with her and her best friend then you can sit back comfortably with the knowledge that the only way it could possibly make its way onto the public forum is if you wanted it to. You have all the power. You also owe it to the rest of mankind to tell us how you managed to pull it off.

25 Things You’ll Wish You Tried If You Died at 25

You’re 24 and invincible right? No amount of drugs or alcohol is going to kill such a fantastic young man. Wrong. Anyone can die at anytime — including the upstanding readers of COED. So stop sitting around acting like you’re going to live forever. Life is short and only getting shorter every time you click on NSFW material on your work computer.  Print out this list and get cracking on completing on these 25 things before you die. But wait, before you get started and begin live-tweeting your adventures, keep in mind that you won’t be getting a reality show or a book deal out of it. MTV’s Buried Life already took that honor away from every single guy hoping to turn his bucket list adventures into a profitable media deal.

1. Climb a mountain

2. Travel to Amsterdam, and then make your way to…wait…what?… Stay in Amsterdam.

3. High roll in Vegas.

4. Hedonism III. Look it up…no seriously.

5. Go to Japan: Sounds lame? No, you’re totally right, it’s definitely not going to be frickin’ splendiferous when you enter a country where the average height is 3 inches shorter, American looks are idealized, the food is strangely delicious, and their porn would make even Ava Devine blush. Sounds terrible.

1. Look directly into a solar eclipse.

2. Start a fight club.

3. Take ecstasy and take Viagra and see what happens.

4. Say “I love you”… don’t mean it… continue the relationship for 10 years while maintaining a stable of hussies on the side. Plan out an elaborate, month long scavenger hunt whilst dropping hints to her friends that you are thinking of proposing. When she finally gets to the last item on the hunt, lead her to a high-wasted midget dressed in a count chocula costume, who pulls out a toy gun and fires it at her. A flag comes out of the gun that says “Surprise… Maximus Steele Slagathor Johnson… wants to break up.”

5. Change your name to Maximus Steele Slagathor Johnson.

1. Cross country road trip with your buddies.

2. 3-some. No, a drunken “Wobbly-H” with your bro and some chick who hates her dad doesn’t count.

3. Skydive.

4. Rent a Ferrari and drive on the Autobahn.

5. Go scuba diving in shark infested waters. Maybe it’s best to save this one for old age, but still, what better way to prove your own badassery than to have ‘bath time’ with Piscine tubes of teeth, and death. Best case scenario: you survive and say that you went swimming with an apex predator. Worst case scenario: you get eaten and as result have a head stone that Jason Statham would be jealous of: “Here lies Maximus Steele Slagathor Johnson, he was eaten by sharks…after he swam up to one and bit it”

1. Try the best beer in the world: Trappist westvleteren 12

2. Go to the best restaurant in the world: Noma in Denmark

3. Do a Wendy’s Home Run in one sitting: Classic single, classic double, classic triple, spicy Baconator. You hero.

4. Eat a deep fried twinkie: or don’t if you have an overwhelming phobia of time-bending, reality shifting, mouth-gasm stimulating, deliciousness.

5. With your best friends open a high interest savings account that you each put $50 a month into until the last one of you gets married. Assuming 4 friends and 15 years total, you’ve got at least 50k with interest. Proceed to buy a bottle of The Macallan Fine and Rare Collection, 1926 scotch ($38,000), Gurkha’s premier cigar, His Majesty’s Reserve ($750/ cigar), some super cheap hookers, and have the best night ever.

1. Go on a Zero gravity flight.

2. Covert Ops: Think ‘Total Recall’ except there is no possibility of running into a chick with three boobs…or is there?

3. Get an Arch-enemy. It doesn’t really matter how you do it; craigslist, softball league, impromptu bar fight, but a hero is only as cool as his villain so get one ASAP. Cape optional.

4. Enter a candy store and drop a $100 dollar bill on the ground. Seems silly, but imagine being 6 years old and suddenly having access to every diabetes causing snack on the planet. You’ve just become a legend.

5. Rent a low flying hot air balloon. Grow a mustachio. Wear a tuxedo with a top hat, cane, and monocle. Bring a telescope and spend a day hovering over a suburban town, shouting judgements from your ivory tower, laughing maniacally, and showering the townsfolk in fake gold coins. Rest assured that people will never forget you.

How To: Have Sex In A Car

Nothing says “I love you” like a sweat-stained, back-scratched, toe-curled, romp in your Dads Hummer. Perhaps more accurately, car sex says “I can’t wait to get back to the dorm so why don’t we just get it on here” or my personal favorite “let me assure you that this, whatever this is, is not turning into a relationship”. Backseat ugly bumping has some serious advantages over your more typical coitus locations, and describing the reasons why you would want to engage in four-wheeled fornication is akin to asking Scrooge Mcduck why he loves diving into a pool of his own gold doubloons; because he can.

Whatever your reason for wanting some Toyota Torpedoing (insert “can’t stop” joke here), there is no denying that sex in any public place poses its problems for the randy philanderer. Worry no more, because here at COED magazine we sympathize with your plight, and offer you the following rules for making sure that your next Ford Fusion doesn’t crash and burn.

1. Location, Location, Location

While your grandparents may have had a ‘swell ol’ time” up at Lookout Point, the truth of the matter is that unless there is some risk of getting caught you might as well be having sex in a locked bedroom. Abandoned camp grounds, empty streets, and your own driveway, do not offer the adrenaline fueled anxiety that is necessary for the perfect quickie. For those who are just beginning their foray into the automotive, I would recommend the crowded parking lot. It offers just enough fear of getting caught to intensify the moment, as well as the safety and comfort of being surrounded by other cars. A mid-range enthusiast might enjoy the octane proximity of the break-down lane on the highway — high risk, high reward. To the Volvo veteran who is just looking for his next car sex fix there is but one option, the “Charlie Sheen” i.e The hottest car Chase scene in history.

2. Screw going Green, go SUV

You look over at her with a knowing glance, she unclasps her hand from yours and scratches your arm, hinting at both of your desires. Oh no, your Prius is only getting 45 mpg’s, better take this baby back up to 55. A scene out of the weirdest romance novel ever? Maybe, but the truth is that if you are crammed into a nature loving, eco micro-machine, the only thing you are conserving is your own fruity-ness. Ditch the ‘save the planet’ attitude for one evening and get into an automobile that extends your options (trunk, backseat, front seat), not limits them (masturbating at home, crying, and eating a ham sandwich… at the same time).

3. Weather Report: Avoiding a Cold Front

What does the weather have to do with your Mini Cooper going full throttle with her Gelandewagen? More than you think. If it’s cold outside when you start heating it up, your windows are going to fog up and create the perfect perspiration shield for your nasty deed, or your shot for shot remake of that weird scene in Titanic. Of course, if the temp gets too hot inside and you happen to have a leather interior, you’re going to run into some movement binding sweat friction which could upset your Daewoo darling. Keep the A/C on low and you’ll be sure to keep your rpm’s at their most optimal.

4. Get Creative

What’s the point of having sex in a transportation vehicle, if you’re only transporting her the to back seat for some uninspired missionary. You’ve got some serious tools at your disposal so don’t be afraid to use them. The front seats have adjustment buttons on the side which can and should be your best friend during the act, giving you the ability to change positions without doing any work.- go from reclined to upright in a matter of moments without any awkward limb shifting. If you’ve got a centrally located shifter, then you are in possession of the greatest mobile sex toy on the planet. Put the car in neutral and you will notice that the drive shifter is vibrating. Put the back of your forearm on top of this…you are now the proud owner of a Manual Stimulant the likes of which her second-drawer down vibrator has never seen. Congratulations.

5. Quick shot: Fear not

Sex in the car should be like a Lamborghini; superior handling, unsurpassed luxury, but above all Fast and Furious. Don’t worry about lasting forever because I promise you, she’s not. You’re having a quickie, and that’s exactly what it should be. Bedroom heroics are best saved for the bedroom, and this fact should make car sex that much more enticing. There isn’t any pressure to ‘go all night’ because if you did, the chances of getting caught by Joe-Lawmaker would be all but assured. Get in, and get out, just make sure that you take a moment to realize how mind-numbingly cool you are for taking part in this decades old top gear tradition.

And, there you have it, the most important advice I can give you before your sloppy jalopy journey. While this list may enhance your sexual auto undertakings, having a girl who is excited about this prospect is a pretty essential part of the process, and if you found her hold on tight, because it’s going to be a wild ride.