COED Previews Upcoming Playstation Move Games

Sony invited us to play a bunch of titles they’re releasing for its new Playstation Move platform, which is their answer to The Nintendo Wii-mote. For those of you  unfamiliar with The Move, it’s a set of accessories that can be used with your PS3 that includes a video camera and several motion sensor controllers. As a result, gameplay is drastically different than your typical PS3 games, involving sweeping, exaggerated movements.

Given its much more impressive graphics, there really isn’t much competition for The Move.  As you will see from the screenshots below, Sony produced some visually stunning games that will greatly entertain both the portions of the PS3 and Wii crowds that don’t overlap.

These are some of the stand-out titles that we got to try.

The Fight: Lights Out

The game we are most excited about, the Fight, is set in a number of dingy under-world sort of Fight Club scenes and involves nothing more than pummeling your opponent until 3-D blood spurts from their wounds and you are proclaimed the victor. Or the loser, as was the case with us. But despite being vanquished, we can say we never had so much fun being bitch-slapped into a virtual bloody heap. We got to play it in 3-D, and the realism factor is disturbing, not to mention that motion detection is very accurate, making “bob and weave” a necessity for keeping the lights from going out. But as you see bloody fists coming out of the screen at you, ducking will be reflexive. Practice getting an upper cut in there afterwards and you can be a champ.

Sports Champions

Providing 6 different sporting events, 10 different opponents, 3 game modes, and the ability to upload photos of yourself to Facebook (not to mention some beautifully tonned and tanned legs), Sports Champions will actually whip you into shape while you’re busy pnwing your friends. But that isnt even why we’ll end up spending hours on end playing Beach Volleyball, dueling, and hammering ping pong balls. We’ll lose track of time because the graphics are so amazing, the motion controls are so freaking real that it actually feels like we’re playing each of the sports, and the online leader boards present constant challenges.

The Shoot

Utilizing the Gun controller, The Shoot depicts five different stylized Hollywood movie set themes in which you are the lead actor attempting to please the director of the flick by shooting all the cut-out bad guy targets and occassionally blowing the hell out of the whole set by shooting TNT. The different themes include a Wild West, Alien Robot Invaders, Underwater, Mob, and Haunted House scenarios. The attitude of the game is more humor than drama, compared to similar shooters like Time Crisis, which will likely make this more appealing to the wider range. We only got to play the Wild West “Outlaws” theme, but greatly enjoyed the target practice and can’t wait to try the others.

Sing Star Dance

Karaoke as experienced in the back room lounge of the local Lucky Panda Chinese restaurant is a travesty of decency, taste, and the American Way. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Case in point: SingStar Dance, karaoke living up to its full potential and gleefully adding crazy dance moves to the mix. Seeing as we can neither sing nor dance, we decided to have mercy upon the other attendees of this event and simply watch others try this one out. We have to admit it looked kinda fun, with a wide range of song choices including songs such as ”Hey Ya”, “I Like Big Butts”, “Push It”, a bunch of Pink songs, and a 17 year old Britney Spears. Break this out at a party along with stiff drinks and then black mail your friends the next day with the resulting music videos created via the Move camera. Hilarity ensues, we promise.

5 WTF Things That Used To Be Legal

Before man created laws, everything was legal. Or to put it more accurately: nothing was illegal. But as we became civilized, or rather, as we became less cave-man like, the smarter amongst us deemed Laws to be necessary and good. Since then things may have gotten a bit out of hand with the whole law-making business (laws are typically hundreds of pages long now), but one has to admit that they serve a purpose. And this is best illustrated by looking at some things that today are illegal, but in the past were not.

5. Drinking and Driving - While driving while intoxicated has been illegal for decades, driving while actually consuming alcohol was not necessarily so. Increasing numbers of states began enacting “Open Container Laws” and the federal government requires states to have open container laws as of 1998 (TEA-21), however. Prior to this law, driving while chugging your favorite malt beverage was perfectly cool, as long as you could recite the alphabet backwards and walk in a straight line. Although if you’re drinking malt liquor you probably can’t do that anyways, so you’d be SOL either way.

4. Child abuse – As the story goes, the very first case of child abuse was prosecuted under animal abuse laws in 1874, because there was no law against beating one’s children. This is not quite accurate, however, being based largely on newspaper reports of the time that over-played the involvement of a private citizen who was involved with an animal rights organization. The fact is the first woman charged in a child-abuse case was found guilty of Felonious Assault, not any sort of animal cruelty. What this case did do, however, was make people aware that beating children is definitely not cool. And legislation slowly followed.

3. Lobotomies – Up until the 1960′s it was not only legal to lobotomize people against their will, but considered reasonable treatment for mental illness. These days many people prefer to spend their days in a daze, for all purposes lobotomizing themselves with excessive drink and drugs, but this is a personal choice and does have the specific benefit of recovery. If you can be said to ever truly recover from those behaviors. The research is inconclusive.

2. Murder – There have been, in fact, many instances in the past in which it was perfectly legal to murder another human being. For instance, for a time during the late 1800′s in the “Wild West”, it was not only legal to kill Native Americans, but was in fact encouraged with a monetary reward. And before that, in the days of slavery, slave owners could do whatever they wanted with their property including murder, the only consequence being the financial loss of said property.

1. Marrying thy Cousin – This was disturbingly common practice within royal families in previous centuries. Although it may in fact still be common practice in some unnamed Appalachian states, we sure aren’t going to go looking for a Deliverance sort of experience to find out. Lets just say that Marrying your first cousin is no longer legal in any state, for very good reason. And that reason is not that you’re cousin resembles a hedgehog.

8 Films That Will Save 2010 From Being The Worst Movie Year Ever

The 2010 summer blockbuster season hosted a slew of disappointing flicks, prompting critics and film-goers to crown 2010 “The Worst Movie Year Ever” by mid-July. This verdict is understandable given the mega-flops of the early summer (Robin Hood, A-Team), but it’s a bit premature. When 2010 comes to a close, these 8 films might just save the year from being the worst ever.

©2010 Universal

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Serious film critics are not going to find Scott Pilgrim a very compelling character, but guys under the age of 40 are going to find him authentic, hilarious, and sympathetic. Presenting a world that could be best characterized as a nightmare in which you’re stuck in a comic-strip or a video game, it is entirely novel, unique, and fascinating. This is a guy’s movie that will be watched and rewatched for many years to come.

©2010 Warner Brothers

Inception

A mind-bender that will leave you wondering if you’re dreaming or dreaming that you’re dreaming, Inception is going to take on a life of its own in our cultural imagination, leaving an imprint greater than any other movie this year. And 2010 owns all rights, so take that 2011!

©2010 lionsgate films

Kick Ass

Another super-hero spoof to add to a long list, but this one  possesses more than a touch of Tarantino, so you can expect violence, profanity, and a heavy dose of funny. Critics have been generally favorable , but don’t fully appreciate its poetry as much as they would have had it come from a Tarantino script. It combines the super-hero spoof comedy and deadly edge of Reservoir Dogs with a whole new flavor, and does so brilliantly.

©2010 20th Century Fox

Machete

Cheech Marin as a dual shotgun wielding priest; Jessica Alba as a (hot) immigration officer; Robert DeNiro as a (not so hot) corrupt Texas Senator; Lindsay Lohan as a (hopefully hot) rich suburban brat/gunslinger; Steven Seagal as a Mexican Drug lord/martial arts master/Steven Seagal; Michelle Rodriquez as a one-eyed taco-making hottie bad-ass; and of course, Danny Trejo as the angry super human, death-dealing illegal immigrant maestro of blades, Machete. Check out this trailer and tell me Machete is not gonna be the most insanely killer movie ever. I dare you.

The American

George Clooney is one of the rare actors that can appeal to both men and women, and especially so in just the right roles. We suspect his role as a “okay, one last hit and then I retire” hitman hiding out in Italy will be one of the better examples of this type of brooding, violent, super-cool Clooney. There is already some Oscar buzz about this flick and all signs suggest The American will help 2010 end well.

©2010 Disney Pictures

Tron: Legacy

This remake of the 1982 film could go either way, but we are betting its going to be good if it’s starring Jeff Bridges. It’s also going to be in 3-D, which should be awesome, but a word of caution: it’s a Walt Disney joint. So it’ll really be anybody’s guess right up until December 17th, when it’s released in the US. But we’ve got our fingers crossed.

©2010 Paramount Pictures

True Grit

The Coen brothers are the closest that Hollywood will ever come to the Divine. And when they get together with Josh Brolin, Jeff Bridges, and Matt Damon to make a Western, you know it’s going to make you cringe and squirm. It’s also going to make you laugh at inappropriate moments and be one of the best damn Westerns in the history of film to boot. Pretty sure John Wayne would approve.

©2010 Paramount Pictures

The Fighter

Word is that Christian Bale is Oscar-worthy as supporting actor in this movie, making him an early favorite. No matter who wins, The Fighter promises to be solid, featuring Marky Mark Wahlberg and Amy “unbelievably gorgeous” Adams alongside Christian “So-Much-More-Than-Batman” Bale. These guys never go half-ass and this flick will provide just the platform to allow them to kick serious ass.

8 Things You Do Everyday That Will Kill You Dead

The world is a dangerous place. Ever day thousands of people are killed by car wrecks, war, earthquakes, tsunamis, and boring celebrity gossip shows. But there are also plenty of things that we do every day that put us at risk or nudge us just slightly closer to death. Why do we continue to do dangerous stuff that we know shortens our life span? Because we are a brilliant, rational, logical species that always acts smart, that’s why. And in case you weren’t aware, we will help educate you on the shit you do every day that’s gonna kill you, so hopefully you will stop doing it, and continue to come back to COED.

1. Sitting on the couch – That’s right: not exercising can give you cancer. Exercising for 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week will greatly reduce your risk of cancer, not to mention all the other illnesses associated with being over weight, out of shape, and a generally unattractive slob. So get out there and walk for 30 minutes, because it doesn’t even have to be that strenuous! Plus, regular exercise greatly improves mood as well.

2. Eating crap – This one may actually be a greater danger than smoking, as the related illnesses are numerous and compounding: heart disease, diabetes, cholesterol, blood pressure, strokes, and cancer. 61% of Americans are overweight and a full 25% are clinically obese, and of these, 300,000 die each year, simply from being fat. It aint pretty.

3. Drinking – There is much confusion concerning the health effects of drinking, as numerous studies have shown that daily alcohol consumption can improve health. The critical piece that is often overlooked is that the rate of consumption is minor: at most 2 glasses per day. Anything beyond that and alcohol greatly worsens whatever condition it might have helped. Liver disease, high blood pressure, and accidents resulting from incredibly stupid drunken behavior are the main causes of alcohol related deaths, of which there are 100,000 in the U.S.

4. Driving like an idiot/teenager – We were all teenagers at one point and we were all susceptible to the flawed judgement characteristic of the age. Some people grow out of it, and others do not. Continuing to act like an adolescent male who is attempting to assert Alpha-male dominance and impress the females is recipe for a firey death. Unfortunately, the driver isn’t the only one at risk, which makes this especially dangerous. More than 100 people die every single day in car accidents in the U.S. Don’t be an idiot.

5. Smoking – Everybody knows smoking is bad for you. The days when tobacco companies attempted to convince us that cigarettes were safe are long gone, and yet, a significant portion of the world continues to suck on those deadly little sticks (which, coincidentally, also make you smell really bad, thus lowering the chance of matting and producing off spring). The commonly accepted mortality rate of cigarettes is 33%. That means if smoke, you have a 1 in 3 chance of dying young from smoking related illness. That adds up to almost 450,000 Americans each year.

6. Hang around people who smoke – Yah, you don’t even have to smoke yourself to be treated to the feast of smoking related diseases: 50,000 Americans die each year from second-hand smoke.  So don’t feel bad by asking somebody to not smoke, or to leave if somebody is. Killing themselves is one thing, killing you is just plain insulting.

7. Tanning – over a million Americans are diagnosed with skin cancer every year. Ironically, many of these people go to tanning booths rather than sitting out in the sun, thinking the tanning booths are safer. Wrong wrong wrong: UVA rays from tanning booths are two to three times more powerful than UVA rays from the sun. More than 10,000 Americans die every year from skin cancer. And they look a lot older than they really are when they do, too, because UV exposure destroys your skin, making it leathery and ugly. Oh the irony.

8. Pissing off a gun owner – It’s not guns that kill people, people kill people, right? Sure. But guns make it a whole lot easier. in 2007 there were almost 17,000 murders, but over 12,000 of those were via firearm. And yes, those 12,000 murdered by guns may have been assaulted with some other form of weapon if a gun wasn’t handy, but the fact is that guns have a higher fatality rate than any other weapon. Why else would gun owners, cops, the military etc carry guns? Because they are very effective at killing, that’s why. And the best estimate is that there are over 350 million guns in the US, so be nice. You never know who is packing.

5 Classic Adult Films That Made History

Pornography used to be illegal in the United States. Hard to imagine, but true. Like a world without flowers, pretty birds, or Megan Fox, the world without porn was a cold and ugly place. But thankfully something happened to change that: millions of stoned hippies getting naked, annihilating cultural taboos, and initiating a sexual revolution that some would say culminated in the 1970′s when feature pornos were actually taken as serious cinema. This phenomenon was referred to as Porno Chic and for the continuing education of our readers, we offer you the 5 most noteworthy classics of that era.

1. Deep Throat – The tender story of a woman plagued with a rare medical condition: her clitoris is located in the back of her throat! Although her doctor thinks it’s strange, he doesn’t hesitate to give her a remedy. He decides the obvious treatment is for her to perform fellatio as much as possible. Makes sense to us. It also made sense to hundreds of thousands of other people and it is credited with being the number one grossing porno of all time. It was also funded with Mob money, which could partly account for the large piles of cash that would get laundered through the Mob run theatres.

2. Debbie Does Dallas – One of the best known adult movies of all time, Debbie Does Dallas is misnamed, as Debbie does not do anybody named Dallas or anybody in the city of Dallas. Or in all of Texas, for that matter. As the story goes, Debbie’s cheerleading squad are trying to raise money to pay for Debbie’s trip to Dallas so she can try out for the “Dallas Cowgirls” squad. They swear off sex, but soon discover the oldest profession is also the easiest. And quickest. And quite convenient since they are having sex with everybody anyways. But despite all the sex and money changing hands for various favors, the girls never set foot Texas.

3. Behind the Green Door – Possibly the first psychedelic porn movie, Behind the Green Door featured some trippy cinematography, including a 7 minute slow-motion spooge-in-air sequence as well as the first real focus on ”Money Shots.’ A recent movie telling the story of the makers of the film, the Mitchell brothers, stars brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez (“X-Rated”, 2000). Overall, Behind The Green Door grossed over 25 million dollars in sales, making it one of the most popular adult films of all time. And, it was even screened at the Cannes Film Festival.

4. The Devil in Miss Jones – One of the more serious attempts at film, The Devil in Miss Jones begins with a suicide: Miss Jones, a lonely spinster is seen laying in a bathtub with slit wrists. Not the start of your typical porn. Miss Jones is then confronted by some sort of angel that tells her since she committed suicide, she will not be able to enter Heaven, but will instead spend all eternity in Purgatory/Limbo. Naturally, she thinks that kind of sucks and so begs the angel to allow her to earn her place in hell. The angel consents, and Miss Jones returns to earth, commits numerous and wonderful sins, and eventually reaches hell. Hilarity ensues.

5. Mona the Virgin Nymph – If the US porn industry were its own nation, as previously suggested, then Mona The Virgin Nymph would be its declaration of independence because it is credited as being the first pornographic film to receive “wide theatrical release” in the US. It is somewhat shorter in length and thinner in plot than the other films on this list, but earns its place as being the  film that saved the world. In a way.

Snoop Dogg Gets a Sneak Peek at Mafia II

If you are a gamer then you are certainly aware that Mafia II’s release date is August 24th. You’ve seen the ads and you may have even  down loaded the Demo. That is, of course, if you are not Snoop Doggy Dogg, because as a result of his being unbelievably cool, he gets to do stuff the rest of us don’t, like blow up Armored Trucks and play video games months before they’re released. As is the case with Mafia II. And here is a photo of Snoop playing Mafia II back in 1999, before the PS3 was even thought of.

Okay so it wasnt that long ago, but he did recently get to blow up an Armored Truck. So when we at COED were invited to preview Mafia II a while back, we realized that we must be as cool as Snoop because, well, we got to sit in the same chair he did and play the same game he did before the billboards advertising the game’s release were even up!

And that is a pretty good feeling.

But to make a needlessly long story a whole bunch shorter, let us summarize by saying that Mafia II is pretty damned awesome.

For starters, the world of Mafia II, Empire City, is simply stunning. The detail is beyond anything we have seen in similar games up to this point, including the most recent releases. These photos don’t even do it justice, though they give you an idea.

The attention to detail goes beyond simple graphics, too, to include 100 original songs from the era as well as a new physics engine that provides an unmatched degree of environmental effects, like dirt particles, smoke, and life-like expressions. The result is a world that looks and feels almost real, like you are really experiencing the life of a mobster in the 50′s.

The playable map covers 10 square miles of open world opportunities for mischief and mayhem, and to indulge your penchant for mayhem, Mafia II includes a number of WWII weapons like the MG-42 that will greatly add to your destructive abilities.

Another cool feature Mafia II has added is an improved cover-fire/crouch ability which is superior to anything that has been implemented in any previous 3rd person type of game like this, which makes it feel more like a Rainbow-6 style first person shooter.

Needless to say, perhaps, the gun battles are epic and horribly satisfying, way beyond what we have the right to expect outside of the latest generation of FPS franchises. But the guys at 2k aim to please, and so they have.

Mafia II promises to be one of the best releases of the year and we fully expect to be glued to the TV from August 24th through most of September. We’ve got some sick days saved up, and man, I can already feel a cold coming on.

I suggest you get sick too.

Happy gaming!

10 Ways You’ll Mess Up the First Day of Work

The first day at a new job is typically a nerve-racking combination of excitement, anxiety, and often, puke. You feel your stomach churning, trying to remember if the bathroom was down the hall to the left or down the hall to the right as you jump up and narrowly avoid knocking over the cute receptionist as you run through the corridor spewing chunks all down the wall. Or maybe not. But that is one way to screw up your first day at work, and as if you weren’t already nervous enough,  here are 10 more ways that you are going to make a horrible impression, cause massive amounts of damage, or flush your career down the toilet.

1. Under dress – We hope this is the worst mistake you make, but it will still make you feel uncomfortable enough that you might never totally recover, always feeling like the office slob, rookie, or idiot. Because really, who is dumb enough to wear jeans on the first day when everybody else is in a shirt and slacks? Hopefully not you. But then again, if that was your only sin on the first day, you may count yourself lucky.

2. Arrive late - Even if you have a valid excuse, i.e a horrendous accident on the highway, your wife went into labor, you went into labor, or you got car-jacked, you still are to blame because you should have left early enough to account for all possible scenarios.

3. Make a bad joke – While trying to fit in and get to know people, you tell a joke that you realize, just as you utter the punch line, is totally sexist, racist, or just plain stupid. You get polite chuckles at best, but more likely cold stares and a “that’s really not appropriate” from the HR director who has control over all your benefits. Smooth move x-lax.

4. Get caught checking Facebook/email - You were unemployed for several months and became accustomed to checking your email ever other minute and playing mafia wars all day long — and so you really struggled all morning to not log on. But during the afternoon, as you enter the 6th hour of “reading” the employee manual and the 5 thousand page tome of Policies and Procedures, you decide to indulge yourself. Naturally, the office snitch walks by just as you open up mafia wars and now you’ve cemented your status as a slacker.

5. Forget your new boss’s name – You interviewed with him/her twice, spoke with him/her on the phone several times, and wrote down his/her name several more times. You know his/her name, and yet, you still screw it up and call him/her “Mr. Schmlph.” Several times. Way to make a good impression.

6. Not asking enough questions (then screwing something up because of it) – The first day at work usually involves information overload. You are told to read all kinds of super exciting orientation material, are shown how to log in to your email account, and how send mail. And of course, most of this goes sailing right on by you but do you ask any questions? Of course not, and as a result, you end up mailing the schematics of the companies super-secret prototype gizmo to the Chinese consulate. You sure know how to make a difference in the world.

7. Asking too many questions – The only thing worse than not asking enough questions and screwing stuff up, is asking too many questions. Seriously! Give it a rest, you’ll figure it all out in time. Just don’t blow up the building or pass off state secrets and you should be fine.

8. Make a pass at coworker – You may be excited, thrilled about the new job and feeling super confident, but do yourself a favor and keep it in your pants. Start coming on to the hotie in the cubicle next to you before you know anything about her, the office, or her super angry super buff boyfriend who has been training for the UFC for 9 years, and you’re in super hot water.

9. Complain about a coworker – Much like the danger of making passes before knowing the lay of the land, you want to keep your mouth shut before you know who you can trust, who is the office suck-up, and who needs to be sabotaged via clever scheming. Say something disparaging to the wrong person about the wrong person, and your days are numbered. So again, smile, be polite, and keep your mouth shut.

10. Break the copier/coffee maker/fax machine/building – You’re probably going to mess something up. Its just the way things go. Just try not to start a fire or download a virus. If the Copier isn’t working, have the receptionist show you again. Otherwise you’re sure to bust the broken down piece of crap and you really don’t want to start your new job already 6 paychecks in the hole. Play it safe and don’t touch anything. Not even a pencil.

GOOD LUCK!

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World FTW!

We didn’t get to attend Comic-con, but we still heard all the buzz about Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World here in NYC. Earlier this week COED was lucky enough to attend a screening of Scott Pilgrim, however, and we must admit that the buzz isn’t just hype: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is pure pop-culture cinematic bliss.

From the first scene, Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead) displays a total dedication to the original work and creates the most mind-bending film portrayal of a graphic novel ever seen, with the only possible exception being Sin City (2005). suffice to say, the world that Scott (Michael Cera) inhabits conforms not to the laws of physics but to the laws of video games and comic-books. Serious film critics who have never picked up a controller may find this hard to swallow, but that isn’t to say that only gamers and fanboys will enjoy Scott Pilgrim. It is a cinematic wonder to behold, with fresh surprises and novel effects in nearly every scene. It is, in fact, not like any other film you have ever seen.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is a psychedelic comic book video game roller coaster romance for dudes of our generation who grew up defeating video game villains to save video game princesses. And lets not forget the princess: Ramona, Scott’s love interest, is played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead (#92 on Maxim’s Hot list 2007, #88 on FHM’s list ’09), who we couldnt help but notice is more than worthy of battling The League of Evil Exes for. Here too we have to give Michael Cera some serious props: he reportedly trained every day for 2 hours with a martial arts instructor for the numerous Mortal Kombat-like fight sequences, and he does look pretty badass. Don’t believe it? We don’t blame you. We are well aware of how weird it is to say ”Michael Cera” and “badass” in the same sentence without “is anything but a” in between, but seriously, the guy picked up some impressive moves reminiscent of Chuck Norris (and we’re not just talking about the hair).

The other inhabitants of Scott’s bizarre comic book video game acid trip world are a strange and varied bunch of twenty-somethings that each provide their own distinct flair for the absurd and the comedic. From his puckish gay room-mate (Kieran Culkin), to his 17 year old platonic “girlfriend” played by painfully cute newbie Ellen Wong and the other members of his garage band “Sex Bob-omb”, there is no shortage of peculiarities and quirkyness.

Other notable appearances include Brie Larson as his bitchy ex-girlfriend turned sultry mega-bitch rock-star who gives a devastating musical performance that left us thinking “damn, I really need to get this soundtrack,” and Anna Kendrick (Up in The Air, Twilight) as Scott’s sexy little sister, Stacey. Oh, and did we mention Jason Schwartzman is the evil boss character Gideon? Yes, and he is perfect. Gideon sports a disquietingly fiendish grin that more than hints at ulterior motives despite pledges of warmth, and the final showdown is truly epic.

Scott’s world is crazy, beautiful, and filled with haunting melodies as well as side-splitting hilarity. It shouldn’t be missed by anyone and is worth springing the extra cash to see in theatre. So mark your calendars for August 13th people, and join Scott Pilgrim in his fight to save the world! Or at least to get a date with a Maxim hottie. Now we can all relate to that can’t we?

The Truth About Size (and 5 Other Fun Penis Facts)

The Penis is a marvelous organ, possibly the single most important instrument in all of the universe. It is the Penis, after all, that makes us who we are, and yet there is much that you probably don’t know about your penis.

1. Size – Many studies have attempted to determine the average penis size. All fall within the approximate range of 5 to 6.4 inches (which is a pretty large range really), but the average of all these averages put the average penis at just over 5 inches, erect. But most guys are actually less than this average because the average is skewed by bastards like Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, and Screech from Saved By the Bell. The truth is, even though size does matter in that a wider girth gives a woman more sensation, it is not the most important aspect of sex: only 6% of women rated their man’s Johnson as less than average! As it turns out, for all the talk about size, women are focused on other stuff. Like cunnilingus, we imagine.

2. The Bone that isn’t a bone can actually break – While an erect penis is inaccurately termed a “boner”, it can in fact “break” despite having not a single bone. And it is not pretty, painless, or funny, in any way. It is so horrible, in fact, that we dare not show any photos because the risk of causing widespread panic and trauma is so great. It happens most often during intercourse in any sort of “woman on top” position. Which is not to say you shouldn’t engage in these positions, only that you should be careful while doing so. And if you happen to hear a loud pop or snap, sudden pain, and your penis becomes unusually large and purple, go the ER immediately. You need surgery, and you don’t want to mess around. If you enjoy having stiffies anyways.

3. Smoking can shorten it – As if you didn’t have enough reasons to quit smoking, now you now that smoking will actually make your erection shorter! No freakin’ joke here man: smoking reduces blood flow through out your body. And what is an erection? Blood pumping like crazy through your wang. Smoking reduces blood flow there too and so shortens your hard-on by up to half an inch. Not to mention that if you’re dead you wont get any erections at all. So do yourself a favor and toss the smokes.

4. Stretching can lengthen it – Seriously! Forget the “herbal” solutions and the surgery that cuts the tendons. You actually can lengthen your penis slowly over time by stretching it. Certain tribes in Africa have been doing this for centuries, as have certain biker gangs in the US. One reported favorite strategy of bikers that was offered in a long-ago issue of Playboy Magazine involved tying a roll of quarters to the end of your schlong and letting it hang down one of your pant legs. Over time, this reportedly can lengthen your little guy by as much as 3 inches! But I can only imagine this strategy poses some dangers and requires caution. You don’t want to yank the whole thing off, after all.

5. Men have an average of 11 erections per day – and 9 at night – Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

6. Orgasm without ejaculation - Yes. It is not only possible, but amazingly powerful. Let me repeat this one so as to be crystal clear: it is possible to cum, to have an orgasm, to shoot your load etc, without actually shooting your load. Why would you want to do that? Because, to reiterate: it is insanely powerful. To achieve this feat, do as follows: wrap your hand around your organ so that your thumb is on top at the base of the shaft and your fingers are underneath your scrotum. When you’re hard you will be able to feel that your erection actually extends for several inches within your body. Now, when you are about to cum, press that spot hard and it basically closes off the canal through which your cum comes. The semen is reabsorbed in to your body and you are very, very happy. Just don’t try this while driving.

5 Steps to Joining the Mile High Club

Have you heard stories of people “joining the mile high club,” but always wondered how they do it? As it turns out, gaining membership into this club is really not all that difficult as long as you plan ahead and use caution. Which is exactly what 99% of young American men don’t do. But if you want to join the club, you’re going to have to learn quickly, because since 9/11 you simply don’t mess around on a plane unless you want to get sentenced to 20 years in prison.

Step 1. Book a flight with a willing partner. In general, your chances of success are much improved if you bring along a partner who has the same goals as you. Plan ahead, wear clothes with easy access (skirts for ladies are a must), and be clear on the plan.

Step 2. Get warmed up. You’re going to be heading to the lavatory to do the actual deed, but you want to get warmed up before heading back there so you don’t have to waste time on foreplay. This isnt about romance. This is a mission. So use a blanket or coat and cover your laps while you, you know, get the equipment ready.

Step 3. Wait for the right moment. You are going to want to use the rear bathrooms, and you also want to wait until the airline personnel are not standing around in the back. Your best bet is when they are serving drinks or food. Most passengers are also staying in their seats at this point, making the entrance/exit easier. Have one of you enter first, the other will wait to make sure nobody is looking, and then enter when its clear.

Step 4. Position. Once you both get in there, the lady (assuming man/woman action here) needs to sit on the sink and rap her legs around the guy. Don’t attempt anything more complicated, because there really isn’t enough space or time. Keep it simple.

Step 5. Quick and quiet. You don’t want anybody else knowing what you’re doing, so you want to be quick, quiet, and discreet. Don’t yell, don’t kick, and don’t linger in the afterglow. Do it and get the hell out. Exit one at a time, just like when you entered: the first person leaves, the second person locks the door quickly and waits for a little bit, then leaves also. If you’ve gotten to this point without anybody pounding on the door, you are in the clear and the newest member of the Mile High Club. Congratulations.

10 Things Guys Waste Money On

Are you sitting at home at the end of every month wondering how you blew your entire paycheck again? All you did was eat, sleep, and drink insane amounts of alcohol so there’s really no explanation for where all your money went. Or is there? Guys, just like you, are wasting your money on stupid things every single day. Try to just cut one of these out of your life and you’ll be able to actually put a few dollars into some kind of savings account.

1. Porn – There is so much free porn out there that there is absolutely no good reason to pay for it, yet, we all do. Are we paying for convenience? So we don’t have to search through the mountains of free images and videos to get the one with the ___ doing ____ to a ____ with a _____ ? Convenience is nice, but it also isn’t cheap.

2. Gadgets – Do we really need all these electronics? Yes. undoubtedly we, as guys, need to have the latest fanciest shiniest fastest coolest thingie doohikie with the hugest hard drive. Even though the previous model is now only 6 months old and costs about one quarter of what the new one does, we still spend the dough we really can’t afford to spend on the item we really don’t need to have. Sigh.

3. Phone Service -  Whether it be cell or land line, 90% of us are paying too much. Want to test that theory? Call up your phone and ask to cancel service because it’s too expensive. Nine times out ten you will suddenly become “eligible” for some super new low rate program. Coincidence? Yah, sure it is. And my name is Hugh Hefner.

4. Fast Food – The super huge meal deal may seem cheap, but in truth it is hugely expensive. And not just because it costs more than it would cost to make the same meal at home. It will also clog your arteries, raise your risk of heart attack, shorten your life expectancy, and cost you buckets of cash in medical pills (cholesterol meds aren’t cheap).

5. Booze – We all know we spend way too much on booze. It really isn’t an option though, so we just accept this one.

6. Late fees, over-draft fees – Pay your freaking bills on time! And don’t mess with your bank! They will charge you a fee anything they can think of, and they are creative. So watch your bank statements and question extra fees. Often times you can get them removed if you fight it. If you can’t, think seriously about changing banks. Also be sure to tell them you are doing so.

7. Strip clubs – Okay, this one may seem like a requirement too, just like item #5, but come on guys, do you really need to stuff a dollar bill in the g-string every time she looks at you? What does it really matter if she is looking at you or the guy next to you? Your view is pretty much the same either way. Save your money and spend it on your girlfriend. She, after all, can legally have sex with you after receiving it.

8. TV – Like cell phones and bank charges, cost of TV is extremely inflated. And why the hell do you need thirty channels of ESPN? Not to mention the twenty channels of home shopping and 15 channels of “news.” Look at your options with the TV company and ask yourself what you really need. Chances are you can trim down the service and get exactly what you want, for a lot less.

9. Collectibles – Human beings have a tendency to hoard. This habit is nowhere so perversely displayed as with the millions of idiotic items we collect: baseball cards? beer bottles? trinkets? Porn? okay, porn doesn’t count, but you get the point. You are not going to be happier simply because you have 500 collectible Budweiser trinkets hanging on your wall. Try selling it on eBay to some other loser who thinks it will make him happy.

10. New Car – We love getting in a brand new car that is all ours. It’s a great feeling. It’s also a feeling that lasts about 20 minutes and costs you 5-10 thousand dollars. Is it worth it? Hell no. Just think about all the kinky stuff your girlfriend will do to you if you spent that on her.

Beginner’s Guide to Making Money Playing Poker Online

Poker is a lot like sex: do it right, and it’s the best feeling ever. Do it wrong, and you’re howling in pain rather than screaming in ecstasy. Also like sex, you can either make a great deal of money doing it or spend a great deal of money doing it — and there are a many more people spending the money than making the money. So the key is, obviously, to be one of the minority who takes money from the fools who can’t help but lose it. This principle goes for online poker as well as traditional face-to-face games. But online play provides several benefits over the face to face game that will pad your wallet and leave you with that sloppy grin on your face. You just have to know what you’re doing.

How online poker is different

When you’re playing online you get significantly less information about the other person than you do when you’re sitting across from them. This works both ways of course, as your opponents can’t see you either. As a result, this lack of information really isn’t a handicap any more than you allow it be. It simply changes the way you would play online as compared to real life, if only a tiny little bit.

Another key difference is the rate of play: different types of online games can end up seeing hundreds of hands per hour as opposed to maybe 30 hands per hour at a home game. This means that for winning players, the hourly rate is going to be several times greater online at the same blind level. In fact, hourly rate of play is so much higher online that you can play much more cautiously and still make more money than you would at the Casino.

But this isn’t the only way online pays more.

Show me the (bonus) Money

Online poker is a huge business. We’re talking billions of dollars. And you know where this money comes from? All the guys who think they are hot stuff because they win at their home game. These guys  jump online and try to dominate and bully every table they sit down at, which is a recipe for brokeness and celibacy (women don’t generally like guys who spend their on other guys, rather than on them). But since these guys tend to blow their bank roles relatively quickly and then stop playing, poker sites need to actively recruit new victims. To do this they offer cash bonuses for depositing money to their sites. The size of bonuses vary greatly, but every site has one, and since there are hundreds of sites, this is a ton of money for you. The only requirement of keeping the cash is “playing through” the bonus amount: you earn the bonus money as you play. The rate that you earn it back also varies greatly between different sites but it is usually still possible to earn the whole bonus even at the low/micro limit tables. Every site will have some sort of first time deposit bonus, so look for it before depositing.

Relieving the Maniacs of Their Cash

As previously noted, poker sites need to attract new blood constantly because most people lose what they deposited and then give up. Your only goal is to not be one of those guys. Even if you don’t make any money at the table, you will still be cashing in on the bonuses, so all you have to do is not lose money. Easier said than done, right? Sure. But if you have even a shred of self-discipline and play “tight aggressive”, you will be able to make money.

“Tight aggressive” means you play only good hands in good position (somewhere around 15-20%), and play them aggressively. Be very careful, however, because the “aggressive” is what gets people in trouble. You still have to read the other players and determine if you have them beat. Being tight does not mean you push all-in every time you play a hand. It just means you are playing only good hands, and so are usually (but not always) able to bet with confidence.

Flop it or Fold it

This concept is pretty simple: if on the flop you don’t have anything, fold to any bet, unless you have a draw (only need one more card to complete a flush or straight). If everybody has checked around to you and you are the last person to act in the round, then feel free to put out a small bet. This does two things: it gives you a chance to win if everybody folds, which happens often, and it will give you a better idea of what the other players are thinking. But above all, avoid betting aggressively when you have nothing. Sure, this will win you quite a few pots, but it will also get you deep into trouble more often than you would think. So unless you like being broke and woman-less, remember: “flop it or fold it.”

Be Patient, Be Smart

Poker is a simple game. Or at least it seems simple when you first learn it. The truth is, it is vastly more complex than anybody can accurately capture, which is evidenced by the sheer number of books that are written on all different aspects of the game. If you have been playing online full-time (40+ hours a week) for a year, you are still a beginner. You may be a winner, but you are still a novice. It takes years of serious play to come any where close to mastering the game. This doesn’t mean that you can’t make money during your first month or year however. All you need to do is be strategic in the sense of playing only when you are earning bonuses and being patient. Play tight, be aware of your position relative to the blinds, and don’t bet unless you are in a position in which to bet. There are plenty of guys out there who are not cautious, and while they will steal many pots, they usually will lose their whole stack (and all those pots they stole) when some other guy traps them. Be that guy.

Do this, and you too can fulfill your life long dream of making a living while playing games and drinking beer. I guarantee it.

8 Conversation Topics That Will Make You Sound Smarter

There will be times when you run out of dumb stories, jokes, and the other random crap that you talk about when you meet a woman you’re interested in. You are probably very familiar with that feeling, that increasing anxiety and nervousness as your mind goes blank and her eyes begin to wander. You need to grab her attention, and fast! So what do you do? Shotgun a beer? Punch her in the shoulder? Throw up? No, you talk about something that makes you interesting and memorable. And to help you out, we are providing you with some material that will demonstrate how you are not just some ignorant beer-swilling, skank-chasing, ass-grabbing, sports-obsessed, macho douche bag just like all the others. You are, in fact, interesting, educated, thoughtful, appreciative, and if not intellectual then at least intelligent.

1. Van Gogh – Probably the most well-known painter in history.  You likely would recognize Starry Night as well as Self-portrait, if not many others. He was of the impressionist school, and is well-known on elementary school playgrounds for having cut off his own ear. Check out his paintings and be able to name at least one other. Describe what you like about it and you’ll be irresistible.

2. Jack Kerouac – An American writer best known for writing about drugs, travel, and the bohemian lifestyle. You’d actaully probably enjoy reading him. Try On The Road (1957) or The Dharma Bums (1958). Then get high and wander across the countryside Kerouac style.

3. Nietzsche – An 19th century philosopher and writer, his name is pronounced like Knee – Chug, but drop the G at the end of Chug. If you don’t say it this way, any philosophy major within a hundred yards will instantly correct you. Kneechu is best known for critiques of religion (“God is Dead”) and the philosophy of existentialism. Heavy, controversial, and hotly debated still. Be careful to avoid getting into an argument about Nietzsche, and just  remember: “I just find his ideas to be thought-provoking.”

4. Tibet – Tibet was invaded by China in 1950, and China has controlled Tibet every since — often times with an iron fist resulting in dead protesters. This is why you believe that Tibet should be freed. Free Tibet. Just chant it over and over.

5. Robert Frost - One of the best known American poets. You should memorize at least one of his poems, and don’t worry, they aren’t very long. You should know at least some of The Road Not Taken as well as Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.

6. Jackson Pollock – a 20th century American painter best known for splattering canvas with paint like a monkey would. Seriously. But don’t critique his work, instead say something like “I really don’t understand it, but I find it quite fascinating.”

7. Kafka – Kafka was a government clerk who wrote during his spare time and was completely unknown prior to his death. Only then were his books published and he became recognized as one of the most creative writers in history. Read Metamorphosis, a short story about a guy who turns into a bug. Feel free to say that some thing or event was “kafka-esque.” That simply means it was as weird as a guy turning into a giant bug. But it sounds cooler.

8. Salvador Dali – One of the craziest artists in modern history, you are probably very familiar with his melting-clocks painting called The Persistence of Memory. Dali also did sculptures, photography, movies, and books, all of which seemed to be inspired by psychosis. Ever wondered what it would be like to have Schizophrenia? Drop acid and immerse yourself in Dali’s films and paintings.

The Proper Way to Perform a Roundhouse Kick

There are somethings that every single guy should know how to do – just in case. While I would never ever ever recommend you attempt a roundhouse kick in a crowded place like a bar, I would say it wouldn’t hurt to be able to in case you needed to defend yourself (or start a drunken fight). But please, don’t embarrass yourself, and make sure to only practice at home.

Variety is the Spice of Violence

The basic idea behind the roundhouse kick is pretty simple: you place the instep of your foot or your shin across the side of your target’s head. But different martial arts styles do it differently. For example, Tae Kwon Do often instructs you to use your front leg, while in Kick Boxing you would switch your feet so that you are never using your front leg for this kick. Also, Tae Kwon Do typically uses the instep of the foot, while in MMA and Muy Thai you will most often be striking with your shin.

This guy clearly demonstrates the different types of round and roundhouse kicks which are usually all referred to with the same name. This illustrates the great variations on the same basic kick and how it can be used to very different ends.

Rule #1: Don’t Fall Over

As you will quickly discover while practicing this move, the pros in the videos make it look a lot easier than it actually is. The main benefits they have over you, are 1. they are much more flexible, and 2. they have practiced this kick 5 million times. And they have probably fallen over a few times themselves when they were first starting out, which is perfectly okay when training, but not so much when actually sparring or fighting. So this is a move you want to practice millions of times before you ever think about attempting a knock-out roundhouse to the head of some fool who is attacking you. Low-kicks, which are basically roundhouse kicks to the thigh, can be very useful even early on in training, however. This is because this kick does not require as much flexibility and balance, and is a great way to cause pain without causing real damage.

The Low Kick

Despite the varieties of round house kicks, I would recommend you keep it simple. The version of this kick that is most likely going to be useful for you is the low-kick to the thigh. This kick can be incredibly painful and will not get you in trouble for inflicting injury to your opponent, while a roundhouse to the head or ribs easily could.

Start in a fighting stance, with your left foot forward (for righties) and your right foot back and to the right. Take a small step with your left foot, pointing your left foot out, and then use your hips to swing your right leg around like a baseball bat, aiming for your opponent’s thigh. Make sense? Watch this video a couple times and pay close attention to his front foot (in this case he is a leftie, so if you are right handed you are going to be mirroring this guy).

Practice Self Defense

But don’t practice on strangers on the street. We here at Coed in no way encourage the use of violence or recommend you use these techniques to solve problems. But if you are attacked on a dark street in the middle of the night, you should know how to defend yourself, and defending against a roundhouse kick is probably even more important than knowing how to do one. So to that end, study this video illustrating how to defend against an attacker who is kicking.