3 Tips for Convincing Her You’re A Good Guy

For whatever reason, younger women gravitate towards dicks. Well, inevitably, after four years of college most women begin to realize that careless guys aren’t worth wasting a box of Kleenex (and Trojans) on.  They start looking for that “nice, down to earth guy who, above all, will treat them with respect.” So, where does that leave the insensitive womanizer?  He becomes obsolete..unless he can learn how to slip on that nice guy jacket and wear it convincingly.  Accordingly, if you are that guy, here are a quick three suggestions for convincing a girl that you’re that good guy whom she has been endlessly looking to date.

1.  Collect girl-friends – The”best wing man” trophy rests upon a woman’s mantle.  You want to get laid?  Make friends that are girls.  Why?  Because when a girl sees that you are valuable to other women, then you become potentially valuable to her.  However, avoid any pillow play with said girl-friends so as not to complicate their opinion of you.  You need girls who respect you and are willing to guide your cock, not block it.

2.  Be playful, but not a dick – Once you meet a girl, there’s nothing wrong with orchestrating a few laughs.  You can be almost a douche, but not quite.  Douches typically make jokes at a girl’s expense and, eventually, girls decide that they will no longer put up with this.  So, make her laugh, but don’t make her cry.

3.  Let her have a little dirt on you – This might be the most important item on the list.  For any personal relationship to truly work, one human being has to trust the other human being.  And, for any kind of trust to develop between two people, they need a little dirt on each other.  Ironically, in order to trust someone, you have to be aware that they aren’t trustworthy.  Obviously, you don’t want her aware that you’re just looking for your next female fix.  However, if she straight up asks if you’re, say, a cheating bastard and you admit to having made a few prick moves on girls in the past, she may appreciate your honesty…well, your partial honesty, that is.

The 5 Waspiest Sports on Earth…Bro!

Having once been a golfer myself and having, dare I say it, worn a polo, I could no longer pass up the opportunity to kick myself in the junk.  We’re going to give you a rundown on the five waspiest sports in existence. You know, the sports that will get you a seat at your local country club, but won’t get you laid.

1.  Golf - Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass.  Polos, khakis, dockers; all items are the last things one would wear while playing a competitive sport.  90% of golf is walking from one spot to the next and 95% of golfers absolutely suck ass at playing it (seriously, go play a round and just watch some people tee-off).  Nonetheless, I’ll admit that there are three cool things about golf, 1) its professional players have phenomenal hand-eye coordination, 2) it’s the only sport where you can drink beer while playing it, and 3) if you’re a professional, it’s easy to get away with bagging hundreds of mistresses because, once again, no one is expecting you to get laid.

2.  Croquet - This one is even worse than golf because, not only does croquet’s attire match that of golf, but it’s an even lazier sport.  Croquet is a lawn game.  Yes, 90% of time spent playing croquet consists of you holding up your thumb, tilting it sideways, and inserting it into your anus.  You use a mallet to bump plastic balls through hoops on the grass.  That’s it.  And people who play croquet lift their noses far too high to drink beer.  They sip red wine and eat cheese.  Not only is croquet a lazy sport, but it’s the only one where you’re fat rolls can actually multiply while playing it.

3.  Racquetball - Racquetball is a developer of hotshit motor reflexes, one hell of a workout, and overall just a damn fun sport.  I really wouldn’t knock on racquetball if the wasps that play it didn’t absolutely and unquestionably deserve my closed fist.  Sweat-stained polos (occasionally with collars popped), ball-sap smeared white shorts, socks jacked up like a cock, strap-goggles that have no place in sports, and the headbands…those damn headbands.  And, worst of all, racquetball is a lunch break game played at the ‘club.’  Just watch Wall Street.

4.  Polo - Basically, croquet with horses.  Four players on a team wield a mallet and whack a small plastic or wooden ball down a 300 yard field and into the other team’s goal.  Polo is slightly more badass than the rest of these sports being that players dangle themselves from an 850 pound animal while swinging at a flying ball slightly larger than a pair of testicles.  Difficult is an understatement.  Well, what with the polo-shirts and suede helmets it’s surprising that such a waspy sport is actually rooted in Persian tradition.  Before the First Century AD, wartribes played with as many as 100 people on one polo team in a two-team match, making the game a bite-sized battle.  Leave it to us Westerners to suck the utter awesomeness out of everything that we borrow from another culture.

5.  Tennis - Like racquetball, tennis is one gas-burner of a workout.  Additionally, tennis is probably the most enjoyable sport on this list.  I love tennis.  It’s a sweat-breaker, it’s excellent for the hand-eye coordination, and tennis chicks sport plenty of under-ass in their little tennis skirts.  I can’t complain about that.  But, then again, tennis is one of those sports that loaded sugardaddies pay a pro to teach to their gold-digger housewives…Actually, I can’t blame a sugardaddy for wanting to keep his trophy wife in pristine physical shape.  He sure as hell didn’t marry the woman for her personality.

5 Movie Characters Who Would Make Kickass Wingmen

We do not always get the best wingman.  But, just for the hell of it, imagine that we did get the wingman that we deserve.  Imagine that things could happen like they do in the movies.  Hell, I would be lying if I told you that I never imagined any one of the following movie characters stepping in to save my ass that lonely night at the party.  Here are five film characters that would make absolutely kickass wingmen (ranked in order of kickassness):

5.  “Jules” (Samuel L. Jackson) from Pulp Fiction.  Character dialogue in Quentin Tarantino’s films (Reservoir Dogs, Inglourious Basterds) can last literally up to twenty minutes and we, the audience, are unflinchingly invested in his characters’ every damn word.  Make no mistake, if Tarantino’s characters were to step into our reality, they would be no less interesting.  So who better to have your back on the battlefield than Tarantino’s finest creation, Jules Winnifield?  Fearless, intelligent, and witty, Jules is almost everything you could ask for in a wingman.  Most importantly, at the end of Pulp Fiction Jules is a born again, charitable do-gooder.  Therefore, in the spirit of charity, Jules will damn sure help a buddy seal the deal with a lady friend.  The man could sing your praises for hours to a girl and she would be eating up every ounce of it.  Nonetheless, due to the risk that your lady friend might be able to sniff out a former bad mofo hitman, Jules sits at the bottom of this list.

4.  “Beanie” (Vince Vaughn) from Old School.  If Beanie were not married then ass would be stacking up on his doorstep like a pile of old newspapers.  A fellow dude can’t help but respect that man’s game.  However, the fact remains that Beanie is indeed married and his doorstep is quite lonely…but that’s why I like him.  Devoted to his wife, Beanie is absolutely incapable of cock-blocking you.  Additionally, as I said before, the man does have some serious game.  Hell, Beanie built Speaker City from the ground up and he can barely read.  If a man can build a $2 million (that the government knows about) business without a first-grade education then you can sure as hell bet that he’ll do a favor for a buddy and convince a chick that you are absolutely worth an early morning walk of shame.

3. “Alpa Chino” (Brandon T. Jackson) from Tropic Thunder. Being a famous rap-star, an actor in a blockbuster film, and the face of “Booty Sweat,” Alpa Chino will no doubt have the attention of the ladies.  As a friend of Alpa Chino, your social status immediately reaches stud-cock status.  Additionally, Alpa Chino poses absolutely no threat of becoming your competition.  He’s gay.

2. “Frodo Baggins” (Elijah Wood) from The Lord of the Rings.  Frodo is the kind of wingman you need when your lady friend has  brought along her own company.  If your prospect has brought a girlfriend along, you absolutely must keep said friend occupied because girlfriends typically don’t leave each other out to dry.  Basically, if one isn’t getting any, then the other sure as hell isn’t giving any.  Enter Frodo Baggins.  Sure, Frodo isn’t the most attractive dude.  He’s a bite-sized hobbit with feet that grow pubes on them.  Regardless, Frodo’s shortcomings are irrelevant.  Why?  The Precious.  The moment Frodo whips out that ring it’s game over for the girlfriend your prospect brought along.  Said girlfriend is immediately occupied for eternity, leaving you free to close the deal on the other chick.

1. “Gloria” (Isla Fisher) from The Wedding Crashers.  Ladies, I applaud you.  Females are undoubtedly the best wingmen a guy could ask for (well, for the most part they are).  If another girl endorses you, then you certainly have a head start in proving yourself to be worthy.  However, a girl like Gloria is most effective when you have some male competition.  You need to get the competing dude out of the picture immediately.  People typically stop being a problem when they have what they want.  Your competition clearly wants a woman all to himself for the night…so give him what he wants.  As a favor to you, ask Gloria to take one for the team by pouncing on the dude and jumping his bones.  By the end of the night your competition won’t have any bodily fluids left in him, automatically neutralizing the threat of you not losing some of your own bodily fluids.

Ultimately, what you should get out of reading this is that you need to be aware of the type of company that you keep.  You need a friend to guide your cock…not block it.  Otherwise, you’ll end up like I did the morning after that party, waking up to an empty, cold spot next to me in bed.

10 Movies That Will Get You Laid

Having a girl over to watch a movie — it really is an ancient knob on the door leading into the ecstasy of sex.  I can’t exactly say for a fact that 100% of you have watched a movie with a chick in order to get your stick wet; however, I am willing to claim that 99% of you have.  And about 99% of the times that I have had a chick over to watch a movie I have at least gotten something.  A cliché strategy?  Sure it is.  But why fix it when it ain’t broke?

Unfortunately, that 1% of the times that my balls ended up feeling blue, most likely I had just picked the wrong movie to watch with her.  I’m guessing that, with the exception of the S & M freaks, most of you do not enjoy blue balls.  Therefore, here is a list of ten movies that will do anything but blue your balls.  In fact, they will most likely get you laid.

1.  Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000) - A dumb girl will do for this one.  She’ll do just fine.  Dude, Where’s My Car? is so damn dumb that even a chick as mindless as this film will be checking her watch twenty minutes into the movie.  And you want the girl to be bored enough to need a little something (scratch that, a big something hopefully) to occupy her.  You want the kind of girl who goes for a ride when she is bored.  You want the kind of girl who is looking for an excuse to splice sex cells, so…dude, where’s my porn star?

2.  Bound (1996)- You’ve heard of The Wachowski Brothers, right?  Yes, you have.  They wrote and directed The Matrix and its sequels.  Well, have you ever seen the movie that they did before The Matrix?  Bound is it.  And this is the kind of film that you need to watch when you are attempting to score a threesome.  Jennifer Tilly (Liar, Liar) and Gina Gershon (Face/Off) share an unbelievably hot lesbian sex scene in Bound.  And, I am telling you, there is no girl in the world who would not want to be number three in that dyke duo.  So, heed my words.  Get two females together, watch Bound, and make yourself that number three.

3.  Interview With the Vampire (1994) – Did you know that a vampire biting the neck was originally intended as a metaphor for giving head?  Enough said.

4.  Borat (2006) - I have no idea why but Borat once worked for me.  Seriously.  After that borderline sex scene with Borat and Azamat, one would think a girl’s snatch would be arid enough for a sandstorm.  A dry desert.  Apparently not.  Maybe it’s because laughter is an aphrodisiac.  Or, just maybe, for some reason every girl’s vagina hangs like sleave of wizard after watching Borat.  Very nice!

5.  Avatar (2009) – No, the Na’vi love scene in Avatar is not hot.  But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  I’m here to talk about money.  Lots and lots of money.  James Cameron’s Avatar is now the highest grossing film of all time (domestically and internationally).  So, after watching Avatar with a girl, express your inner film critic.  Tell her what worked in the movie and why what worked in Avatar led it to a worldwide gross of almost $3 billion at the box office.  Consequentially, she’ll know why one day your name will follow the words “a film by.”  She’ll know that you will be the next director to count his hundreds of millions…and his hundreds of women.  That will give her some initiative.

6.  Eyes Wide Shut (1999) - I don’t have any angles to suggest for using this movie as a lubricant.  No subtext.  No puns.  Nothing elaborate.  Eyes Wide Shut is one of those films that will get you laid simply because of the sheer amount of hot, steamy sex in the movie.  There are far too many insanely hot people inside of other insanely hot people in this film for the sex not to be contagious.  Having sex after watching this film is like you’re jumping off a bridge just because someone else does it too.  But you’re falling into a vagina instead of water.

7.  The Graduate (1967) - This is a fun one.  And you need a hot girl to watch this movie with.  The hot ones almost always have the lowest self-esteem.  And young, hot girls absolutely hate cougars.  Why?  Because they know that young guys have a thing for hot, older women.  It’s on every one of our bucket lists, ladies.  Therefore, make sure you throw out some crude comments about the original cougar Mrs. Robinson to get the girl jealous.  By the end of the movie the girl will feel absolutely obligated to sleep with you…because she knows that her mom could pop your milf cherry first.

8.  Requiem for A Dream (2000) - Yes, this is an odd choice.  Far too disturbing a film to be an aphrodisiac?  Not exactly.  This strategy is probably the most shallow of the list but it could certainly work.  Requiem for A Dream is by far one of the most disturbing films that I have ever seen.  It’s depressing.  But the girl will be far too turned off by drugs at the end of this movie to pop a Xanax for the depression.  So what’s another great remedy for a girl’s depression?  A cock, of course.

9.  Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) - Girls like celebrities.  Girls really like Johnny Depp.  They love Captain Jack Sparrow.  Fortunately, on the screen Mr. Depp is out of their reach so she’ll just have to settle for you.  Hey, getting laid is getting laid.  Forget the reason why.

10.  Mulholland Drive (2001) - Like Bound, this movie has a ridiculously hot lesbian sex scene in it.  I’m willing to bet several women have gone lesbo after watching Mulholland Drive.  Nonetheless, the most important thing about this movie that makes it an aphrodisiac is its dreamlike quality.  It is the closest that a movie has ever come to being an ecstasy trip.  And what does ecstasy produce first and foremost?  Uncontrollable horniness.

Robin Hood’s 7 Sexiest Maid Marians

For the eighth time now Robin Hood has taken aim and shot an arrow through the hearts of beloved movie-goers.  This weekend, director Ridley Scott (Alien, Gladiator) and tempermental buddy Russell Crowe release their latest collaboration, which revolves around the infamous, mythical hero who stole from the spoiled and gave to the bums.  And, like every Robin Hood movie before now, at the heart of the latest Robin Hood tale is the love story surrounding Robin Hood (Russell Crowe) and his Maid Marion (Cate Blanchett).

With so many cinematic Robin Hood incarnations, who else has slipped into Maid Marion’s dress, and where the hell are they now?

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7.  Amy Yasbeck (Robin Hood: Men In Tights)- One of the least attractive Maid Marion’s, this ginger cringer played the character in Mel Brooks’s 1993 spoof that starred Cary Elwes (Glory, Saw) as the infamous archer.  Aside from Men In Tights, the only films of note that Yasbeck made herself useful in were 1990′s Problem Child and the 1994 Jim Carrey film The Mask.

Fun Fact:  Yasbeck was married to the late John Ritter, whose talent she clearly didn’t absorb.

What is she doing now?  Nothing at all.  The last thing she acted in was a who-the-hell-has-ever-heard-of-that-show called Worst Week in 2008.  In one episode.

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6.  Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) - MEM played Maid Marion alongside Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood in this 1991 hit.  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is certainly one of the better Robin Hood installments, especially because of its talented cast which includes Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman, and Christian Slater.

Fun Fact:  MEM’s most famous role is probably that of “Gina” in Brian DePalma’s Scarface, Tony Montana’s (Al Pacino) slutty, coke-snorting sister and polar opposite of the innocent Maid Marion.

What is she doing now?  MEM most recently acted briefly in television’s Without a Trace and Law and Order: Criminal Intent. But at the moment she is probably wondering how the hell an Oscar-nominee like herself could end up as a second-rate television actress.

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5.  Lucy Griffiths (2006 Robin Hood Television Series) - Lucy Griffiths starred in the short-lived BBC Robin Hood television series alongside Jonas Armstrong as Robin Hood.  While not a series of dramatic depth, this Robin Hood outing was supposedly great fun and a nice departure from the more recent Robin Hood trainwrecks.

Fun Fact:  Lucy lied in order to get the role of Marian.  During the audition, she claimed that she was a good horse rider.  Bullshit.  She eventually took lessons and did just fine on the show nonetheless.

What is she doing now?  Lucy last starred in the 2009 British mini-series Collision. Although, I expect that at this moment she is either stirring her tea, pouring malt vinegar on her fish and chips, or watching the ‘footie’ game.

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4.  Uma Thurman (Robin Hood Made For Television Movie) - Uma is about the only reason that I would ever watch this DTV film (although, I don’t plan on it).  In this outing, Robin Hood was played by Patrick Bergin, whose only other films that I recognize are Patriot Games and Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace.  And I doubt that most of you have even heard of the first Lawnmower Man.

Fun Fact:  Despite her amazing talent for acting, Uma also has an extreme talent for picking scripts that require her to do anything but act.  Aside from her terrific roles in Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, about 98% of Uma’s films have crashed and burned at the box office.  Seriously.

What is she doing now?  Starring in two upcoming films called Bel Ami and Ceremony.  She is also rumoured to eventually reprise her role as “The Bride” in Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill: Volume 3.

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3.  Cate Blanchett (Robin Hood) - Australian native Cate Blanchett plays Maid Marion opposite Russel Crowe as Robin Hood in the latest film outing centering on the legendary hero.  Next to Audrey Hepburn, Blanchett is easily the most famous actress to play Maid Marion (and probably the best actress).  And, with support from an insanely talented cast which includes Max von Sydow, William Hurt, Mark Strong, Oscar Isaac, Danny Huston, Kevin Durand, and Matthew Macfadyen, Blanchett’s Robin Hood is sure to be a box-office hit.

Fun fact:  She won an Oscar for her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn, a famous actress with the same last name as another actress who played Maid Marian.

What is she doing now?  Starring in three upcoming films, preparing her next Oscar acceptance speech, and drinking plenty of Foster’s beer.

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2.  Audrey Hepburn (Robin and Marian) - In her later years, Oscar-winner Audrey Hepburn starred in this film about an aging Robin Hood and his one last shot at bedding Maid Marion after he returns from The Crusades.  Sean Connery starred as Robin Hood in this one, no doubt making zero effort to cover up his Scottish accent as usual.

Fun Fact:  Audrey Hepburn sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to John F. Kennedy at his final birthday celebration in 1963.  Eerie.

What is she doing now?  Kneeling before the Almighty, dancing with the Devil, or haunting Dan Ackroyd I expect.  She is dead.

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1.  Kate Moss (Blackadder Back and Forth) - Someone felt it necessary that supermodel Kate Moss should attempt to act in this television pilot.  Clearly, the producers paid the price as researching this article is the only reason that I’ve even heard of this obscure British show.  In this film, Moss played Maid Marion to Rik Mayall’s Robin Hood.  No doubt, shit went south for Kate afterwards as she only has one subsequent acting credit (in a straight to video, suspiciously porno-sounding film named The 4 Dreams of Miss X) to her name.

Fun Fact:  Kate Moss is one of those rare super-models suspected to have an eating disorder.  And she was once engaged to Johnny Depp.

What is she doing now?  Not acting (or eating).  That’s for sure.

The 10 Weirdest Fetishes in the World

I must not be adventurous enough…or maybe I’m just not lucky enough to know anyone who is prepared to take kinky to whole new level.  Then again, maybe I’m speaking too soon. I did once know someone who made his  girlfriend hold his junk when he took a leak.  While there’s no name for the firefighter-esque peeing routine, there are names out there are all the weird fetishes you thought existed in only in your dreams. After a lot of Google searching (hint: turn safe search off), I’ve discovered the 10 weirdest fetishes in the world.

1.  Autoandrophilia - This weird fetish is defined as “the arousal by a biological female imagining herself as a male.”  I don’t know if the definition of this fetish implies a chick dressing up as a dude or literally just imaging herself with a stem.  She’s literally just pretending that her twin Mount St. Helen’s have been sanded into the Great Plains and her southern Grand Canyon has morphed into the Arabian Peninsula.  I scratch my head wondering, can a man who hooks up with an autoandrophiliac be considered gay?

2.  Formicophilia – Pleasure derived from having insects crawl all over your body.  I mean, I guess that I can see somebody becoming aroused when they are tickled, which might be a bit similar to this fetish.  But honestly, who shoots their shit after an army of creepy crawlers tiptoes all over them?  Well, I guess molesting an ant is better than using a magnifying glass to roast it alive.

3.  Chremastistophilia - The arousal when being robbed or held up.  This one could be useful to have in any major city.  A burglar rolls up and pulls a gun on you.  He yells, “Hands up!”  Instead, you just start spanking it and yelling at him “Yeah you steal that money!  TAKE IT!! AHHH!!!”  The burglar realizes that you’re the one that actually has the balls to shoot and he just takes off empty-handed.  It’s a win-win situation for you.  You end up getting your fix and keeping your money.  The lesson: if a person pulls a gun on you, just start jerking off.

4. Lactophilia - This fetish is the arousal from breast milk.  Now do lactophiliacs care what the nozzle is when they’re getting their fix?  Does it have to be a real lactic rack or can it just be a baby bottle full of breast milk?  Regardless, at least the lactophiliacs are getting enough calcium in their diet. One less thing to worry about.

5.  Pyrophilia -  Fire!  This isn’t pyromania.  This is a fetish where one can actually jet their joy juice at the sight of fire or fire-starting activity.  Can you imagine this?  Someone is screaming, “BURN BABY BURN!!!” as they finish themselves off.  Here’s an idea: gather millions of pyrophiliacs from around the world, dangle them from a bunch of helicopters over a forest fire, and let them all just spank it silly.  That’ll lay the flames to rest.  Conserve water.  Go green.  Spank out a fire.

6.  Nasophilia - A fetish for the nose.  The attraction can be to a specific shape of nose, a certain part of the nose (for example, the nostrils or the bridge), the act of penetrating the nostrils, or even trans-species variations of the nose (for example, a human with a bear’s nose).  I’ve deduced that there is one sure thing about a male nasophiliac: they are not at all well-endowed…you’ve got to have a laughably small cock to bang a nostril.  And, well, I guess that I can see the masturbatory value in nasophilia.  If you jack your nose off hard enough, eventually you’ll have to blow it!  Wow that was lame…

7.  Apotemnophilia - This is the fetish for having an amputation.  I pity those who suffer from this one because eventually they’re going to run out of limbs to amputate.  Eventually it’ll come down to their cock as being the only thing left to give the axe.  Also, surgeons

beware, god forbid that you ever have to amputate an apotemnophiliac’s limb because their blood may not be the only bodily fluid spraying all over the place.

8.  Teratophilia - A carnal craving for deformed or monstrous people, teratophilia isn’t a fetish that should be scoffed at.  Why?  Teratophilia is affirmative action!  Shame on the rest of us for having standards.  I encourage the teratophiliacs to fire up the sex life of every piece of monster meat that they can…well, except for burn victims because they’ve clearly had enough heat in their lives.  Plus, if the teratophiliacs keep the monsters occupied then maybe our children’s closets (and the confessional booths) will be a much safer place.

9.  Dacryphilia - The fetish to witness a person tearing up and crying.  This one is actually quite disturbing because of its close relationship to sadism.  Dacryphilia is typically associated with males who intimidate others into crying as a form of submission, which gives the causative a psychological feeling of superiority.  Additionally, dacryphilia even implies a sexual arousal while experiencing one’s own tears!  Therefore, dacryphiliacs should avoid restaurants because a) people propose marriage at restaurants b) men break-up with their girlfriends at restaurants, and c) restaurants tend to cook a lot of onions.

10.  Ursusagalmatophilia - Teddy bears.  Yes, ursusagalmatophilia is the fetish for teddy bears.  I’m not exactly sure what the sex appeal of a teddy bear is…well, actually, I guess that I can see a teddy bear’s resemblance to a vagina.  They’re warm, fuzzy, and the only place that they are of any use is in bed.

Top 6 Hottest Pic Links On The Web!

Have You Been Iced?

A fresh drinking game has spread like herpes all over several college campuses.  No ping pong balls.  No playing cards.  No red cups…But only a Smirnoff Ice.  Although we know that herpes in your mouth would be preferable to a Smirnoff Ice, that is exactly the point of this simple but clever new channel for chugging.  You’ve been iced! Check out of bro’s getting “Iced” at BrosIcingBros.com.

Break Up With 5 Classic Movie Lines

The best movie break-up line of all time is said by Patrick Bateman  in 2000′s American Psycho.  In the middle of a crowded restaurant, Bateman finally tells his girlfriend Evelyn to take a hike.  After attempting to break it to Evelyn easily (“Evelyn, you’re not terribly important to me”), Bateman assesses the situation and evades the dinner table as her tears start to crash and heads start to turn.  “But where are you going?!” Evelyn asks him.  Patrick turns around and calmly says, “I have to return some videotapes.”  What guy hasn’t wanted to use that lame of an excuse when he breaks up with his girlfriend?  Therefore, let’s spread our arms wider and embrace any type of famous movie line in order to kick-start a break-up.  Here is a list of 5 awesome movie lines to use when telling your significant other to take a walk:

1.  Scenario - You’re significant other is loving and caring.  Anytime that you fall into a ditch sh’es there to scoop you out and dust you off.  This is someone who you can count on for almost anything…almost.  Unfortunately, her sex-engine is nearly impossible to hotwire, which renders her quite the inexperienced and incompetent bang-buddy.

Inglorious Basterds Showdown - After telling your girlfriend that your relationship has dropped anchor and hit a standstill, she’ll ask you if you’re really breaking up with her…just as Colonel Hans Landa would, you say, “That’s a bingo!!!”  She wonders why.  Why, why why?!  You tell her that she’s left the bed quite cold and consequentially your sex-life is utterly dull.  Unsatisfied with her status as an amateur lay, she desperately asks you, how does she go pro?  You enlighten her with this advice: “you know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don’t you?  Practice.”

2.  Scenario – You’re a cheating son of a bitch!  And you enjoyed every last moan and groan of your indiscretion.  That’s right.  You’re significant other has finally dug up your deceptive dirty deeds and she’s confronting you.  The candle died long ago but she’s still attempting to light the wick.  She just doesn’t understand that it’s over.  You want her the hell out of your life, even if it means being brutally honest.

American Pie Showdown - She’s taking shots at you for your affairs.  Every obscenity in existence is being shouted in your direction in a fruitless attempt to arouse some sort of shame out of you.  However, you’ve simply just quit caring.  How do you make it clear to her that there’s no chance of salvaging this wreck?  Well, being that you’re still unshowered after the sex you had with your side dish thirty minutes ago, the solution becomes clear.  Your significant other asks you, how does it feel to be a cheating bastard?  Amongst her bitching, you raise two fingers, hold them up to her nose, and say “mmmhhhmmmm, like warm apple pie.”

3.  Scenario – After an extensive and what initially appeared to be a healthy relationship, your stick has finally gone limp.  The beautiful, charming, and sweet girl who you once knew has shape-shifted into an utterly brutish bitch.  You won’t even have sex with her anymore for fear that her vagina has sprouted a she-cock bigger than your own.  You’ve been digging underneath the fence for months now but the hole just isn’t deep enough to lead you to the other side, into the realm of freedom.  Fortunately, you’ve decided that it’s finally time to fire the first shot of the revolution and leave her.

Airplane! Showdown – She tells you that you’re not man enough to throw in the towel.  She says to you, “Surely, you can’t be serious!”  You scream at her, ‘I AM SERIOUS!!!” just before turning your back to her and riding off into the sunset; however, you stop, turn around, and head back to her.  Knowing that you would come back, she has that ‘I told you so’ look on her face.  You lean towards her, grab your junk, and say “And don’t call me Shirley.”

4.  Scenario – Your girl has cheated on you…with your best friend.  For the past week, her affair has been the word around the water cooler.  You’ve heard it from everyone.  And she knows that you know about it.  Ever since it happened, you haven’t touched or even spoken to her.  Finally, after an avalanche of ignored phone calls, you press ‘answer’ and listen to her.  She asks you to meet up with her to talk things over and, reluctantly, you agree to do so.  You suggest a rendezvous at the restaurant where you first met each other.

There Will Be Blood Showdown – Just like on your first date, you order your girl a milkshake.  Strawberry.  Then, she decides to man up and give you a blueprint of how it all went down…Your best friend turned to your girl after he broke up with his girlfriend.  She was initially the shoulder to cry on but, unfortunately, she also became the backdoor to unload on.  It sort of ‘just happened.’  Then, before she can take a sip of it, you grab her milkshake and quickly tell her why your best friend had dumped his girlfriend…because his girlfriend had finally explained the reason for that cold sore on her face that just wouldn’t go away…She had oral herpes.  As the realization sets in on your girl’s face that she is now the permanent host of a dirty disease, you lift the straw from her milkshake, take an absolutely massive slurp, and tell her, ”I.  Drink.  Your.  Milkshake!  I drink it up!!!”

5.  Scenario – Amidst what you thought was the perfect relationship, your girl has finally revealed to you why she isn’t ready to gobble up your joy juice…because she already has offspring with another boyfriend.  Not only that, but she has been cheating on her baby daddy with you behind his back for an entire year.  Now, they’re tying the knot.  Your relationship with her has been one big, fatass lie.  After realizing that she loves her fiance too much to cheat on him any longer, she has asked you to seek another snatch sampler.

300 Showdown – In your bitter and vengeful spirit, you’ve decided that she will absolutely not have anymore children that she can shame with her indiscretions.  You confront her and tell her that her husband is sure as hell going to know about her extracurricular hanky-panky.  She begs you to not tell him; however, you dismiss her, turn around, and start dialing his phone number.  “Bullshit!  This is bullshit!” she yells to your back.  You stop, turn back around, and ask, “This is bullshit?”  Then, in your most epic, badass battle-cry, you yell “THIS.  IS.  SPARTA!!!!!!!!” while simultaneously drop-kicking her in the vagina and throwing her into a deep, dark pit of infertility.

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8 Ways to Make Your One-Night Stand Less Awkward

During the summer before my senior year of college I had a drunken one-night stand with a girl.  We’ll call her Sandra.  The following morning, I lent Sandra a pair of my gym shorts and sent her on a standard walk of shame out my front door.  Of course, Sandra ended up being one of the people who prepared students to walk across the stage at my college graduation.  It was awkward to casually shake someone’s hand who you’ve been literally inside of.  You know the most intimate things about that person: how big their nipples are, whether they shave (she didn’t), the words they whisper in their sleep, the melody of their orgasm, whether they swallow…And then it all just comes down to a simple, sweaty-palmed handshake and a mumbled “congratulations.”

Awkward.  Consequentially, here is a list of eight ways to avoid awkwardness after a drunken one-night stand (four ways for the night of and four ways for the days after):

1. When you bang, bang well - People tend to respect other people who know what they’re doing.  You want your fling to see you the next day on campus and pat herself on the back for having bedded you.  You should be worthy of their mantle.  Therefore, while in bed, make sure you’re hitting all the right spots and letting your fling know it when she hits yours.  Not only does a great lay bury awkwardness six feet under, it typically leads to even more hanky panky.

2.  Keep a leash on the S & M - Lasso any kind of kinky shit that you’re into during your one-night stand.  That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have fun.  However, the knowledge of your naughty necessities should be only be on tap with someone you trust.  Your most intimate fantasies may be a little awkward without your lay having enough context to your character.  Bang well; however, keep your fetishes on a tight leash because, sadly, people set their opinion of a person in stone after a mere first impression.

3.  Semen is the only bodily fluid that should get her wet - Back in college, one of my drunken friends passed out…while he was still literally inside of a lady friend.  Fortunately for my friend, he took the precaution of wearing a ‘raincoat.’  Unfortunately for the girl, she never checked that night’s weather forecast: about 80 degrees and partly cloudy with a slight chance of golden showers.  His urinary torrential downfall burst through the raincoat…all up inside of her.  All over the bed.  Therefore guys, in this particular case it is always wise to lift the toilet seat and empty your gas tank before you slip under a girl’s sheets and rev up the engine.

4.  Don’t be greedy.  Only Moses should part the Red Sea – One night some years ago, a friend of mine threw one too many back and went south of the border on a girl…what the girl failed to tell him was that it was arts and crafts time in panty land.  The following morning, my friend glanced in the bathroom mirror..wait, what is that?  Is that…did I drink Kool-Aid last night?  No, Kool-Aid that is not.  Yes, I indeed used my tongue to mop up ‘that time of the month.’  It’s too bad that kissing only one pair of lips wasn’t enough to satisfy him.  Seeing the girl on campus after that incident must have been, to say the least, bloody awkward.

5.  Get a green-light from the mirror – The all-important self-image yet again.  You don’t want your lay to look at you on campus the following day and then chastise Budweiser for the beer goggles.  If so, from then on when you acknowledge your lay you’ll get a turned head and hear crickets.  Shower.  Dress decently.  Brush your damn teeth.  Smile.  Your own mirror should want to bang you before you walk out the door.  Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the studliest cock of all?

6.  Your mouth is for head, leave it at that - Your lay received great pleasure from your mouth…so don’t run it to everyone about how badass you are for bagging her.  We’re all adults now.  If you brag, your girl will find out and she’ll see right through your insecurity.  Don’t expect a booty call or even a ‘hello’ after that.  Therefore, be modest.  You got some and you know it.  That should be enough.

7.  Just make the call - This suggestion is simply just a decent thing to do.  Whether you want to go another round with this person sometime or if you just want to throw in the towel, get their digits and give them a call the day the after.  Calling is polite.  The bricks of your fling’s self-respect may have crumbled to rubble the night before.  Calling can help to rebuild that person’s self-respect.  By the way, don’t text your fling.  Otherwise, you’ll end up being no more than a silent, hollow digital projection to her.

8.  Ripples only belong in the water (and in Ruffles)- You had irresponsible, drunken sex with each other.  People make mistakes.  That ship has already set sail.  So, don’t try to sink it.  You still want to be friends with your fling?  Then talk about the one-night stand with your fling.  Joke about it with her.  Trying to forget about that night only leads to ripples of awkwardness.  As those ripples swell into a squall, you’ll drift further and further away from each other every day.  Eventually, there will be an ocean between you…food for thought.

3 Real Beers and Why You Shouldn’t Settle for a Lesser Brew

So, what is not real beer?  The “Great American Beers” and other knockoffs such as…Miller Lite, Budweiser, and the worst, Coors Light.

The latter “Great American” brands are crap, they’re not brewed how real beer is supposed to be brewed.  Remember these two words: “adjunct grains.”  Used by the Great American Brewers, adjunct grains are ingredients such as corn and rice that act as substitutes for malted barley when brewing beer.  This is done in order to cut costs. The problem with adjunct grains is that they are fully fermentable, which means that all of the sugar (which is broken down malted barley) is eaten by the yeast.  When all of the sugar is eaten up by the yeast, a very thin body (the thickness of the beer) is produced.  Because the beer body is so thin, only a small amount of hops can be used, which leaves the beer with a very dull taste. I understand what these brewing companies are doing from a business standpoint.  They know that people will buy whatever they put out there.  Nonetheless, I really could give a damn how successful the GA companies are.  You deserve a real beer.

1. Warsteiner – Brewed just outside of Warstein, Germany since 1753, this brand is made within the accordance of the German Purity Law of 1516.  This law states that a beer must be brewed only using water, malted barley, and hops (using yeast to make beer was discovered after the law was written).  You can buy a Warsteiner Premium Verum (a smoother, lighter beer) and a Warsteiner Dunkel (a thicker, dark beer with a malty taste) in several local alcohol retailers.  Both beers sport a satisfying 4.8% alcohol content.

2. Delirium Tremens – A strong pale ale that was first squeezed out on December 26, 1989 (a late but great Christmas present to the world).  It’s a Belgian brew that is made from three different kinds of yeast.  Imported from the city of Melle, Delirium Tremens is a bit harder to find in America.  However, this beer has a whopping 8.5% alcohol level and is a former winner of the ”Best Beer in the World” title at the 1998 World Beer Championships, making it well worth the search (believe me, I’ve had one before).

3. Gordon Biersch Marzen - This beer can be found on draft at your local Gordon Biersch (a fast growing restaurant/German style brewery chain) as well as bottled for sale in several liquor stores around America.  Originally brewed in Bavaria, Marzen is a traditional Oktoberfest style lager characterized by an amber color and a medium body.  This is Gordon Biersch’s most popular beer, likely because it has such a perfect balance of hop and malt to its taste (making it more accessible to the masses).  Additionally, the Gordon Biersch Marzen has a very smooth finish with a caramel malt aftertaste.  This beer has an impressive 5.8% alcohol level.

8 Life Lessons From the Cast of Jersey Shore

Even though the first season of “Jersey Shore” has been laid to rest, the cast still sits with us.  Like a whiskey hangover, we just can’t seem to shake them off.  The poof, creepin’, fist pumping, juicin’, skin cancer — it’s all here to stay.

Initially, one wouldn’t think that much could be learned from the cast of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”  The cast itself doesn’t appear too buddy-buddy with the concept of  “learning.”  However, I’ll admit that they do light a torch upon the possible paths that our own lives may lead us through.  I also have to respect the cast for poking fun at themselves despite their egos.  Additionally, despite the mountain of egotistical exploits that the “Jersey Shore” cast indulges in, they do say ‘yes’ to several life risks that most of us would slam the door on.  Their smartest and dumbest choices offer each of us a bit of wisdom.

Accordingly, here is a list of life lessons courtesy of each “Jersey Shore” cast member:

1. Angelina - Never cock block the guys that you live with.  In the “Jersey Shore” boys’ book, strike one for Angelina came when she announced her loyalty to a boyfriend upon first moving into the cast house.  She made it clear that nobody was going to crumble that wall.  Subsequently, the last nail in Angelina’s coffin of 15-minute fame came when she cock-blocked her male roommates from a trio of hot-tub chicks early on in the season.  Not only were Angelina’s pants zipped up too tight, but she also wasn’t about to allow the guys to slip the pants off any other female either…consequentially, she ended up voting herself off the island real fast.

2.  Mike “The Situation” – Embrace your own absurdity and make no apologies for who you are. Yes, this guy may be a dirty bastard.  He’ll hook up with just about anything pumping blood through its veins.  Nonetheless, Mike makes no apologies for his affirmative action.  He in fact admits that he doesn’t always bring the best looking girls back to the house.  You can’t fault a guy for honesty.  Mike is who he is.  Additionally, despite how ridiculous of a name “The Situation” is, Mike is most likely the first dude on the planet to make his abs into a name brand.

3. Jenni “J-WOWW” – Don’t cheat on your guy with a DJ sporting a penis ring. As a guy who has dated some real bitches, I know that if your girl cheats on you, your single most pressing question is, “what does the other guy have that I don’t?”  A cock ring, of course.  Well, at least with J-WOWW’s boyfriend that’s the sad truth.  Now, not only does J-WOWW’s dude have to learn how to spin, he has to have both his balls pierced as well in order to top Pauly D.  He’ll have to avoid getting studs though unless he wants his junk to look like a pair of wrinkled boobs.

4.  Ronnie – If you’re going to sucker punch a guy, don’t do it on camera. No, at the end of the “One Shot” episode we didn’t actually see Ronnie knock that dude out.  However, we did catch a glimpse of the aftermath.  Ronnie skips down the sidewalk yelling “one shot!” and, accordingly, the camera cuts to a shot of the guy Ronnie hit.  The victim is out cold and laying face first on the ground.  The victim later claimed that Ronnie came out of nowhere and sucker punched him…which is most likely true.  The fact that the victim was laying face first on the ground indicates that he took a shot to the back of the head, AKA, a sucker punch.  Therefore, Ronnie’s use of the words “one shot” shouldn’t translate in the way that he intended them to.  Ironically, it only took ‘one shot’ to knock out Ronnie’s credibility as a badass.

5. Sammi “Sweetheart” - If you’ve got something to say, then spit it the hell out. Next to Vinnie, Sammi is the cast member that I have the most respect for.  We need more people like this chick in America.  Sammi speaks her mind.  Sure, she does have to learn the difference between being direct and being a bitch.  But regardless, she has her head in the right place.  This country has far too many introverts who leave their feelings chained up in a basement.  We’ll unload on somebody behind their back, but we’ll offer them a Coke and a smile to their face.  Sammi always lays her cards on the table and consequentially leaves no rock unturned.

6. Pauly D – Ditch the chick who makes you a t-shirt after only one date. I didn’t want that to come out wrong.  I’m all about doing something special for a significant other, even if it’s after only one date.  However, that Israeli chick that Pauly was circling made him a shirt that says “I Heart Jewish Girls” after having just met the guy.  Red flag.  With that kind of girl,  Pauly could merely run to the end of his chain and bark every time he saw  another even remotely attractive woman.  Otherwise, Pauly might as well have made a flak jacket for his nuts or else psycho chick would have taken aim at them and pulled the trigger.

7. Nicole AKA “Snooki” – Let security take care of the drunken assholes.  If I’m out at a bar and somebody takes a shot at me, the way I approach the situation is by asking myself one question:  do I want to indulge the asshole or do I want to have a good time?  By putting it that way, the decision becomes simple.  I just shrug the dude off and take a walk.  Unfortunately, Snickers just had to throw gas on the fire and refer to the polo-pounder using the words “ugly ass.”  That was a mistake.  Yes, most people don’t expect a guy to throw a punch at a girl.  That’s one of the lowest things a man can do.  Nonetheless, the Snooki lesson stands for both genders: succumb to your ego and consequentially you might end up like Snooki, taking a mean jab to the jaw over a few shots of cheap liquor.

8. Vinnie - Charisma voids the gym.  Pauly D, Ronnie, and The Situation all hit the weights.  Their mountain of tapped ass proves that taking care of your body helps to reel in the females.  On the other end of the spectrum, Vinnie offers a change of pace.  The guy makes it clear in the first episode that he is a classic Italian (not a Guido).  Vinnie is a mama’s boy, he doesn’t lose sleep over his external image, and his charisma defines him.  Watch the Jersey Shore crew hit the club and Vinnie is sure as hell in the spotlight on the dance floor.  Ultimately, Vinnie’s culture, his natural good looks, and his down to earth personality have molded him into a very well-rounded beau.  Check your bulging veins and shredded physique at the door.

Whether you hate them or love them, can you truthfully deny that this motley crew has taught you something?

3 Badass Alternatives to Lifting Weights

I lifted weights on and off for about six years of my life and I did not enjoy one damn bit of it.  Sure, I can believe that people who legitimately enjoy pumping some iron exist.  However, I think that most of us are programmed by self-indulgent celebrities and infomercials to believe that we all absolutely need to have a “Situation” or else. Nonetheless, can most of you truthfully say that you dig going to the gym?

Besides a few bulging veins, a person really does not gain much from hitting the dumbbells.  Maybe they’ll get a few turned heads at the beach and a false sense of being stud-cock; however, for me, those benefits were never worth the grueling hours that I spent in the gym.  Therefore, the way that I approach exercise now is by asking myself one question: how can I stay in shape and keep a smile on my face at the same time?

In response to my question, here are three methods of exercise that not only show you a kickass time but also teach you something that you can actually use outside of the weight room:

1.  Aikido – Familiar with Steven Seagal?  I’m sure most of you have seen at least one of his bargain bin crapfests (Fire Down Below, Exit Wounds).  Well, despite Seagal’s mountain of cinematic incompetence, the man is legitimately an absolute badass.  As a 7th-dan black belt, Seagal’s badassness is entirely a result of his Aikido training.  Aikido is a Japanese martial art that was created by Morihei Ueshiba in the early 20th century.  Similar to jujitsu, the intention of Aikido is to defend oneself from an attacker without actually harming the attacker (and this an Aikido philosophy that is viewed as the ultimate force of peace).  Each Aikido technique intends to redirect the attacker’s momentum (rather than resisting it) with very minimal effort.  To put it bluntly, you can be a skinny bitch and still kick ass.

2.  Parkour – This is certainly the most unique of the three examples listed.  Parkour is defined by Americanparkour.com as “the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one’s path by adapting one’s movements to the environment.”  In layman’s terms, parkour is doing utterly insane street acrobatics that will put your ass in the hospital if you dick them up.  In order to practice parkour all you need is access to a public city environment and a lack of sanity.  Parkour was originally founded by French stuntman/actor David Belle, who went on to employ his skills as a star in two popular French action movies (District B13, District B13: Ultimatum).  Additionally, you may have seen parkour used in movies like Casino Royale (the opening African chase scene), Live Free or Die Hard (the ventilation shaft fight), and you will also see it used in the upcoming Jake Gyllenhal action-adventure film The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (which David Belle did stunt coordination for).  By the way, check out this clever video of “paper parkour” for a little preview to the videos below.  These people are literally some of the most badass souls on the planet.  The video below provides examples of their real-life parkour movements.

3.  Krav Maga - From what I have observed, Krav Maga is fast becoming the premier self-defense program in the United States.  Originally developed by a Jewish man named Imi Lichtenfeld, Krav Maga is the primary form of hand-to-hand combat used by the Israeli Defense Forces.  Krav Maga is a form of self-defense specifically designed for realistic situations.  Employing no rules of combat, the intention of Krav Maga is to immediately neutralize the threat and sit the attacker’s ass down as soon as possible.  Shots to the balls are legitimately encouraged (seriously, I have trained in Krav Maga).  The reason for following no rules of combat is that the real world isn’t a damn sparring ring.  You don’t know if your attacker has any kind of weapon or if he actually intends to kill you.  For example, I was taught how to disarm a gun-wielding attacker in a Krav Maga class.  Additionally, Krav Maga teaches you to defend yourself against multiple attackers.  I actually saw a class at the Krav Maga school that I attended where one dude had to defend himself against literally five people…yes, he got his ass handed to him.  Lastly, let me tell you, the grueling cardio workout alone is worth the training.

Doesn’t lifting weights suddenly not seem nearly as badass as it used to?