10 YouTube Challenges We Dare You to Take

Looking for news ways to take your procrastination technique to the next level? Yeah, us too. That’s why we’ve scoured YouTube for the funniest/most disgusting challenges ever filmed and put on the Internet (don’t worry, 2 Girls 1 Cup didn’t make the list). Give ‘em a shot, and get a buddy to film you. You might just end up being the next big viral video superstar. Your mom will be so proud!

#10: The Cinnamon Challenge

Commenter BooksBooks claims to have done this three times (WTF? Once wasn’t enough?). Apparently, the key to this challenge is breathing slowly. Funny, that’s the same thing Cosmo says about The Anal Sex Challenge.

Anyway, I could have posted any one of the 500 videos of guys successfully completing this mission, but none of those featured hot girls or suburban housewives. Yeah, you’re welcome.

#9: The 4 Quad Stacker Challenge

Don’t know what a Quad Stacker is? Hop on the bus, and let me take you to school: it’s a pile of four beef patties, four slices of American cheese and eight slices of bacon on a sesame seed bun. To complete the challenge, you need to house four of them. For those of you who majored in sleeping with sorority girls (also known as the Liberal Arts Degree), that works out to 16 beef patties, 16 slices of American cheese and 32 pieces of bacon. Mmmm, bacon.

The pansy in this video had The King himself rubbing his shoulders throughout (creepy factor of +5), and he still puked at the end. To win the challenge, you need to keep it all down for at least five minutes. Also, you lose major cool points for using a fork. Real men eat with their hands, natch.

#8: The Wendy’s $1 Menu Challenge

And Part II

I could list each of the 10 items on the original $1 Menu used for this challenge, or you could skip :19 into the first video and see for yourself. Don’t be a lazy bastard (leave that to me!). I will tell you that the calorie count of all 10 items comes to 2,830, or roughly the size of Khloe Kardashian’s afternoon snack.

As with all eating challenges, the idea is to keep it all down. Puke and you’re out. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but the time to beat in the video is 13:13, and not everyone made it. Also, if you decide to complete this challenge and post it on YouTube, don’t use a community puking bucket. That’s effing gross.

#7: The Raw Onion Challenge

You don’t need to speak Italian to get the gist of this one: nom your way through a raw onion, preferably in less than 1:30 (if you want to break the world record, at least). It’s like an apple, only juicier. Horf!

#6: The Coconut Chop Challenge

Down some liquid courage (I recommend Bacardi 151) and see if you have what it takes to fare better than this loser. You may end up with a broken hand and a bruised ego, but at least you won’t have humiliated yourself on Danish TV.

#5: The Five Saltine Challenge

This guy is a douche extraordinaire, but the challenge is a valid one: eat five saltine crackers in less than a minute, without drinking anything in between. No bonus points are awarded for dancing like you’ve just been crowned King of the special ed prom.

#4: The Blazin’ Hot Wing Challenge

Ever been to Buffalo Wild Wings? Ever tried their Blazin’ sauce? It’s no joke. They make you sign a waiver before they’ll serve it to you! Some frat boys from Kappa Sigma in San Antonio decided to snarf down six Blazin’ wings in under five minutes, presumably for the free tee shirt the restaurant gives you if you get them all down.

Since nothing makes my heart smile like watching frat boys cry, I had to put this one in at the #4 spot (not that these are in any particular order). At 4:10 in the video, one of them makes the fatal error of wiping his teary eyes with a napkin covered in the sauce. Pro tip: don’t do that.

#3: The Powdered Doughnut Challenge

Apparently, it’s a big deal if you can eat five powdered doughnuts in under five minutes with nothing to drink. If you can do it in under three minutes, you’ll have yourself a world record. These two office dudes didn’t even come close, but they did succeed in wasting 3:07 of my life that I’ll never get back. Thanks, guys.

#2: The Gallon of Milk Challenge

After all those doughnuts, you’re going to want something to drink, right? Might as well try to down a gallon of milk in under a minute. I’ve heard that it’s impossible, but this toolbag did it in 41 seconds. The video ends shortly thereafter, so there’s no way of knowing whether or not he kept it down. I’m guessing probably not.

#1: The Egg Nog Challenge

What, was the gallon milk challenge too easy for you? Try downing 50 shots of egg nog in under an hour. If the guys from Jackass couldn’t do it, I doubt that you and your drunk roommate have a chance. Still, it’s worth a try. You’ve got nothing to lose (besides your dignity).

5 Ways to Tell If Your Girl’s a “Keeper”

Is the girl you’re currently dating a keeper, or should she fall into the catch-and-release category? Is she Suburban Housewife material, or would you be embarrassed to be seen with her in a back alley? If you’re on the fence about the situation, here are five easy ways to tell if she’s worth holding onto:

1. She offers to be your designated driver. First and foremost, when was the last time you offered to be her DD? When it comes to designated driving, use the rule of three: if you offer to drive her drunk ass around three times, and she doesn’t offer once, you might want to dump her.

Everyone knows about the car door scene in A Bronx Tale. This DD test is the modern-day equivalent to that scene (since everyone driving a respectable vehicle has remote-controlled locks, unless you’re riding around in an ’85 Honda it’s just not possible). Still, the lesson remains the same. If she offers to DD you and your drunk buddies to the club, she’s probably worth having around. If she doesn’t, she’s a selfish beyotch and you should consider yourself lucky to have recognized that early on.

2. You used her razor to shave your “fellas”; she found the leftover evidence and then didn’t make a big deal about it. Sometimes you forget to bring your razor with you into the shower, and hers is conveniently (and enticingly) there. Plus, the moisturizing strip on her razor looks brand new! Your boys deserve the best, and there the best is, right next to the pink loofah and Body Shop shower gel, practically begging you to give it a try.

You tried to be sneaky about it, but you left some of the telltale signs: the short, curly hairs that entwined themselves around the blades in a way that a Niagra Falls strength showerhead couldn’t rinse out. She found them, and confronted you.

This is where you need to pay attention, because her reaction speaks volumes about what kind of person she is. Without exception, girls are really grossed out by stuff like this. If she laughingly scolds you, tells you how nasty it was to find the burlap from your sack on her brand new Venus blade and then forgives you, she’s not a high maintenance chick who will freak out at every attention-grabbing opportunity.

On the other hand, if she totally freaks out, throws the razor at you and starts crying… Well, you know what to do.  Dumpsville, Population: Her.

3. She’s sexually adventurous. For a relationship to work long-term, there has to be some kind of sexual spark. Sure, gazing into each other’s eyes while slowly making love in the missionary position can be amazing…for a couple of months. Eventually, you’re going to want to change things up a little.

When it comes to the sexual stuff, it’s all about compatibility. If you’re into S&M and she’s “All Vanilla- All The Time”, you’re going to have problems down the road. Sure, you can work with her a bit, but there’s only so far that rubber band is going to stretch.  Like Paul Simon and the Muppets say, “Hop on the Bus Gus”

Now, I’m not suggesting that you marry a girl whose idea of foreplay involves you and three of your best friends, but there’s a happy medium to be found somewhere in between the two extremes. If your girl isn’t afraid to let her freak flag fly, and you’re both into the same things in the bedroom, you might want to think twice before sending her on her way.

4. She makes about as much money as you do. If your girl is all about the Benjamins, but hasn’t earned a paycheck of her own since you’ve known her, you might want to reassess her worthiness. If she’s not willing to get a job while she’s young and has few obligations, she definitely won’t want work 9-5 after squeezing out a couple of kids.

Besides the obvious monetary benefits of your girlfriend making money, her willingness to be a productive member of society tells you that she’s ambitious and self-sufficient (two qualities your mom will love, by the way). If she doesn’t have a job, but still wants Tiffany boxes under her Christmas tree and two vacations a year, you better be pulling in some serious cash.

In this economy (what, you mean you just got laid off from your cushy $42k-a-year job?), taking care of yourself can be hard enough. Add a leech to the equation (even if she has a nice rack!), and you’ll only run into trouble. Let her be part somebody else’s bankruptcy proceedings.  So long, farewell . . .and if you get six of your buddies and break up with her like this you’re awesome.

5. You really like her friends. Not like, like, of course. Get your mind out of the gutter, perv.

Take an objective look at her friends. Do you like them? Acne, sixth toes and other physical deformities aside, are they the kind of girls that you’d hook your buddies up with? In the end, the old saying is frighteningly true: you really are the company you keep. If your girlfriend’s friends are the type of broads who could carry their own MTV reality show, run the other way. Fast.

Sure, constant drama can keep things interesting, but so can meaningful conversations, new sexual positions and international travel. If the only places her friends vacation are the free clinic, the drunk tank and the beds of nameless frat boys, you might want to reassess your relationship.

So, did your girl make the cut? Do you have your own failsafe methods of weeding out the good girls from the bad? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. If it’s clever enough, we might just feature it in our next list!

5 Biggest Little Celebrities of All Our Time!

Yes, these are the true giants in the world of tiny. Though limited in stature these diminutive greats are not short on talent, and are colossal in our hearts. Here are the 5 greatest height-challenged celebrities of all time!

1) Verne Troyer

We loved the 2 ft 8 in actor as Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. Verne was by far the best thing in The Love Guru, but for me, I think one of his most memorable roles was on the Surreal Life when he got so drunk that he peed on camera in the corner of the celeb-filled house, “The bathroom’s right here da’Brat.”

2) Wee-Man

What would Jackass be without one of Johnny Knoxville’s most beloved sidekicks? Whether he’s skateboarding as an Oompa-Loompa or doing deep-knee bends with NBA star Shaquille O’Neal on his back, the 4 ft 0.5 Wee-Man rocks big time!

3) Peter Dinklage

The 4 ft. 5 in actor had his breakout role in the Station Agent. He also kicked Will Ferrell in the face in a scene-stealing moment in Elf. Dinklage’s take on his height: “You realize you just have to have a sense of humor. You just know that it’s not your problem. It’s theirs.”

4) Tony Cox

He was Billy Bob Thorton’s partner in crime in everyone’s favorite alcoholic holiday icon movie, Bad Santa. He also played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. A little Tony Cox trivia: he currently plays basketball with the Hollywood Shorties.

5)Danny Woodburn - Best known for having played Mickey Abbott on the sitcom Seinfeld.  Woodburn has had recurring roles on Conan the Adventurer (as Otli, one of Conan’s sidekicks), Baywatch, Special Unit 2, Charmed, Bones`, and the soap opera Passions. He has also appeared in the films Jingle All the Way, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas and Death to Smoochy.  He was also featured in a series of ads for Burger King’s BK Stacker sandwiches. He appeared in the 2009 horror film Murder World alongside Scout Taylor-Compton, and in the 2009 film adaptation of Watchmen as the crime lord Big Figure.

Honorable Mention (came up just a bit  . . .uh . . .never mind)

Tie: The Munchkins in Wizard of Oz/Oompa-Loompas in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Both these classic movies was cinemas greatest collective of little people. The land off Oz would be nothing without the wise-but-tiny munchkins. And we knew how sorely we missed the Oompa-Loompas in green wigs and orange makeup when we saw the lame Johnny Depp remake with idiotic CGI Chocolate Factory inhabitants.

10 Grown-Up Drinks You Should Order Tonight

Has PBR lost its charm? Are you sick of ordering Miller Lite, just because it’s on special for $2 a bottle? Have you sworn off Irish car bombs, Jager bombs and every other kind of bomb imaginable? Then you, my friend, might finally be graduating from your college drinking phase. Congratulations! To help you celebrate, here’s a list of 10 grown-up drinks you should order tonight:

10.) Black Box Wine. Contrary to popular belief, boxed wine isn’t the ghetto cousin of bottled wine. At least, not all boxed wine. Before heading out, consider pregaming with Black Box. For less than $25, you get the equivalent to four bottles of wine, and the stuff has won more than 20 awards for its taste and quality. Plus, because it’s kept in a vacuum-sealed bag, it will stay good for a month after you open it — sans refrigeration. It’s classy enough for a Suburban Housewife, but manly enough to not be embarrassed about drinking. Suh-weet!

9.) Maker’s Mark Manhattan. Is there anything more delicious than bourbon? HELL NO! It’s also pretty effing classy, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ask for it sweet and on the rocks, unless you want to look like a pretty, pretty, princess while delicately sipping at the edge of a martini glass. Still think it’s too girly? Then consider this: Manhattans are notoriously popular with the Italian mafia. Who’s the cherry gobbling pansy now, buddy?

8.) Ramos Gin Fizz. Quite possibly the greatest invention of 1888, the Ramos Gin Fizz is more than just tasty: it’s an important part of Louisiana culture. Former governor Huey Long was such a fan, in 1935 he brought his favorite bartender with him on a trip to the New Yorker Hotel in NYC, just so the guy could teach the hotel staff how to properly make the drink. Apparently, good help was hard to find back then, too.

7.) Karma Champagne. Sometimes, you’ve just got to have a little bubbly. With Karma, you can buy individual serving-sized bottles, so you don’t have to break the bank to party like you’re trying out for Celebrity Rehab 4. Worried you’ll look like a foppish dandy with a champagne glass in hand? Fret not: you drink it right out of the screw-top bottle.

6.) Tom Collins. Ever since The Great Tom Collins Hoax of 1874 (I swear I’m not making this up), men across America have loved them some T.C. Identified as “a favorite drink, in demand everywhere” in the 1878 edition of The Modern Bartender’s Guide, the beverage has remained popular. I mean, Robert De Niro drank it in Meet the Parents, and he was playing a former CIA operative!

5.) Hole in One. What do you get when you mix Johnnie Walker Red Label, honey, unsweetened tea and a lemon wedge? A little piece of heaven, one sip at a time. If you’re really looking for an experience you’ll never forget, order one here.

4.) Voodoo Tiki Prickly Pear Margarita. Do you even know what prickly pear smells like, you neanderthal? It’s time to pick your knuckles up off of the ground and give this beverage a try — it tastes like an orgasm feels, and I’m not even kidding. Order a pitcher of the stuff to share with a lady friend, and she’ll be handing you her panties under the table in 15 minutes or less. . . believe me, I l know – And Comicboy169 if you’re reading this, that was a dirty trick, and I want those back they’re my 2nd favorite pair!

3.) Rusty Nail. Little known fact: Drambuie is Gaelic for “the drink that pleases,” so you know you can’t really go wrong with a Rusty Nail. One part Drambuie, two parts whiskey and three parts awesome, this is a drink that you’ll love until the day you die.

2.) Godfather. Amaretto? Check. Scotch? Check. Do you need anything else? Nope.

1.) Vesper Martini. If it’s good enough to be James Bond’s signature drink, it’s sure as hell good enough for you!

5 Cheap & Easy Valentines Gift Ideas

5) “Two Spoons” or “Two Straws”

Cold Stone Creamery, Dylan’s Candy Bar, Carvel or any local ice cream shop can make a romantic date.  Find the table as far away from overweight ice cream shoppers and screaming children.  Move your chair in close, and keep the conversation to whispers.

4) White Castle?

COED’s 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

I’ve been on a Paul Simon kick lately, and the other day I noticed that the song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover only lists five ways to lose your lady. You can slip out the back, make a new plan, hop on the bus or drop off the key. Oh, and apparently there’s no need to be coy (and should that one even count?).  What about the other 45, Paul?

If you’re looking for a creative way to hand your girl her walking papers, you can stop your search right now. Without further ado, here are (the other) 45 ways you can leave your lover:

45.) Have a plane fly a breakup banner over her apartment.

44.) Go grocery shopping with your girlfriend. When she’s not looking, pay a checker to let you dump her over the loudspeaker system.

43.) Send her a breakup text, and then submit it to TextsFromLastNight.

42.) Fake your own death.

41.) Change your Facebook relationship status.

40.) Dare her to go line for line with Lindsay Lohan.

39.) Book her a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

38.) Make a 60-second video of your breakup speech. Pay to have the video run as a commercial during her favorite TV show.

37.) Go to jail (bonus: I hear the orange drink served there is delicious!)

36.) Take her on a vacation to the Middle East; sell her into sex slavery.

35.) Run over her car with your truck, like this guy:

34.) Only buy her clothes that are size XL. When she asks why you got such big stuff, say “What? You’ve put on a little weight lately, I thought they’d fit.”

33.) Develop a really, really weird kink, and then ask her to help you fulfill your fantasies. Midget double amputees not your thing? Tell her it has something to do with men’s feet, two live gerbils and a video camera.

32.) Pawn the jewelry she inherited from her grandmother; use the money to buy a sweet set of rims for your ride.

31.) Go to Vegas for a romantic getaway. Leave the hotel room to go “play poker”, come back married to a cocktail waitress.

30.) Replace her Lemon Lime Gatorade with antifreeze.

29.) Write a Craigslist post detailing all of the things that are wrong with her, send everyone you know the link.

28.) Become a priest.

27.) Send her a bouquet of dead roses. Include a card that reads, “These are dead, just like our relationship.”

26.) Move. Leave nothing but the four walls and the musty scent of loneliness.

25.) Try your hand at The Bastard Breakup. Bonus points if you offer to become “silent friends”, like this dude:

24.) Tell her you’ve converted to Scientology.

23.) Delete all of the songs from her iPod. Upload three songs to replace them: Michael Bolton’s Said I Loved You (But I Lied), Scandal’s Goodbye To You and Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.

22.) Have Ed Hardy design her a cement bikini.

21.) Blindfold her and play “Pin the Tail on the Wood Chipper”.

20.) Introduce her to John Mayer.

19.) Take out a billboard ad, make sure it’s one that she’ll pass on the way to work.

18.) Surprise her with a picnic in a field. Over dessert, watch as a plane writes “I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE” in the sky. Have your other girlfriend pick you up, so you don’t have to sit through an awkward ride home with your new ex.

17.) Take her to a professional baseball/hockey/football game, have your breakup note displayed on the JumboTron.

16.) Hide a steak in her purse and go on an African safari.

15.) Tell a radio shock jock all about Nikki, your “favorite booty call”, while your wife is listening. Why not? Raj did it:

(Editor’s note: this is long, but it’s well worth the listen. American girls use the mouth, you know. USA! USA! USA!)

14.) One word: Rodeo.

13.) Give her a hardcover copy of He’s Just Not That Into You for her birthday.

12.) The next time you have sex, call out her mother’s name.

11.) The next time you have sex, call out her brother’s name.

10.) During sex tell her that extra five pounds she’s gained is really helping you hold out longer.

9.) Go camping in a remote forest. When she goes out looking for firewood, leave her there.

8.) Become a fundamentalist Mormon. Tell her she’s welcome to move to Utah with you, but she’ll have to put up with at least seven sister wives.

7.) Encourage her to go on a long road trip with one of her friends. While she’s gone, change the locks and burn all of her pictures. When she comes back, act like you’ve never seen her before and have no idea who she is or what she wants. Threaten to call the police, if necessary.

6.) Have a box of chocolates delivered to her office. Include a note that reads, “We’re over. Use these to eat your way through the pain of our breakup.”

5.) Tell her you have a shocking secret to reveal to her…on the Maury show.

4.) Ask for a threesome with her hottest friend. Either way, you’ll come out a winner.

3.) Break up with her at the altar, like this:

2.) Create a website dedicated to a dramatic reading of your breakup letter (make sure you have your speakers turned up!).

1.) Hire your university’s Glee Club to sing her a breakup song in front of the whole school. After the song, get the crowd to chant “SLUT! SLUT! SLUT!” in her general direction.

So, what have we learned here? When in doubt, always go with the option that provides the most public humiliation.

Trying to figure out if you should leave your lover? Check out 5 Ways You Know Your Girl’s A Keeper!

Got Breakup? Send us your best break up story with your full contact details.  If we use it we’ll send you some dumb tchotchke lying around here in our way.  Send to Editor@teamcoed.com.

Reality TV Rundown: Week 3

Holy crap, have we really gone through another week of watching these shows? Indeed, we did. And because some of them are turning out to be extraordinarily lame (I’m looking at you, Shark Tank!), I’m going to be switching things up a little bit. I’m getting rid of some of the dead weight, just like the fatties on The Biggest Loser — but only to make room for some of the awesomeness that debuts later this season.

Have a show you want me to follow? Post your suggestion in the comments section, and I’ll consider adding it to my TiVo.

American Idol. This week, we had Shania Twain in Chicago and Kristin Chenoweth in Orlando — and reportedly, Simon and Randy were super hungover from partying the night before. If I had to listen to a bunch of pimpley-faced, no-talent zeroes begging for their big breaks for hours on end, I’d hit the bottle too. In fact, I hit the bottle and I don’t have any of those excuses. That, my friends, is dedication.

Who to root for: Paige, the girl who had an asthma attack and almost died (prior to coming on the show). She did her thing, sang A Change is Gonna Come and Simon said no. Everyone else said yes, so she moved onto Hollywood week (but not before whipping out her inhaler and taking a few hits). See also, Seth Rollins, the guy who has an autistic son. There seems to be a formula to this. Have a retard in your family? Are you too pathetic for words? Then come get your golden ticket, buddy, because you’re through to Hollywood!

Worst of the week: Brian Crause, the Army guy from Pittsburgh. Was he serious about that audition? Is he that out of touch with reality? Or was it all a joke? If that guy honestly thought he sounded good, I fear for the future of humanity.

The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) This week, we got to see Jake cry like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten when he went bungee jumping on his individual date with Vienna. Aw, is Jakey-Wakey affwaid of heights? Get the hell over it! You’re a pilot, for chrissake!

Rozlyn may be long gone, but there’s a new bitch on the ho stroll to hate on: Vienna. People hate her more than they hate crazy ass Michelle, and that’s saying something. Speaking of Michelle, she got kicked out this week — BEFORE the rose ceremony!  Somebody needs to tell Jake that there’s a certain order of operations that need to be followed. If you can’t humiliate a girl in front of everyone at a rose ceremony, don’t humiliate them at all!

Ella, on the other hand, had a great one on one date with Jake in hour 2 of the episode. You know Ella, she’s the one with the weird face (is it possible to be half Down Syndrome?) and the kid (that isn’t Jake’s). At 30-years-old, she’s a little long in the tooth to be fighting for a man like this, but who am I to step in the way of fame whoring your way to true love?

Anyway, Jake surprised her with a romantic date to Sea World…with her son (Too bad they didn’t see this there). The two boys played nice together, bringing a tear to Ella’s eye. Maybe somebody poured piss and vinegar on my Cheerios this morning, but I think she shouldn’t be on national TV advertising her desperation and lack of self respect when there’s a child involved. Can’t you find love without dragging your kid on television?

Who went home: Michelle, obviously. Also, Elizabeth — and this one wasn’t too much of a shocker. This bitch was just as crazy as Michelle, but on a totally different level. She played (out) the “I’m a good girl” thing, and turned it into an “I’m a giant tease, with a side order of psycho” kind of situation.

Who should’ve gone: Lots of people think Vienna should have been on the next plane out, but I kind of like her. The other girls think she’s a selfish bitch for monopolizing Jake’s time so much, but WTF do they think they’re all there for? It’s not to make friends or to share Jake equally, it’s to charm their way to the top and walk away with an engagement ring and a contract for ABC to pay for (and televise!) the wedding.

Who to root for: I still like Tenley, and this was a pretty big week for her. She cried to Jake that she used to be married, and Jake said that it only made him like her more. I also like Ali, and Vienna is quickly becoming a favorite.

Best moment: Michelle getting sent home, pre-rose ceremony. She begged Jake to kiss her, and when he did he obviously didn’t like it.

What to look forward to: The next episode has them all pack up into a couple of RVs and hit the California coast. There’s more hating on Vienna, and something goes badly for someone — Jake actually burns somebody’s rose. Oh the drama!

Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

Celebrity Rehab 3. Believe it or not, I missed last week – terrible crack habit and I just can’t kick the stuff j/k.  I’ll make up for it next week, or double your money back!

Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. The more I see Frank up close and personal, the more he looks like another greasy guido from New Jersey’s taint. Somehow, this makes him more appealing to watch.

This week, the ladies suited up for a game of Bikini Softball — complete with slip-and-sliding into the bases. The girls picked teams old-school P.E. style, and Annie was the last one chosen. In a turn of events made just for TV, Annie was the one who hit the game winning RBI, nabbing herself the game VIP award and a little extra alone time with Frank.

Meanwhile, the other girls were stuck having dinner at home with Frank’s parents and his Uncle Benny, a funeral director. Jenny used this time to really turn on the charm for Frank’s mom, who totally adores her.

Who went home: It came down to a real nail biter between Crazy Renee and Jenny, but in the end Google did Jenny in. Apparently, she’s done a little semi-nude modeling, but if you look at the picture that everyone freaked out over, it’s really no big deal. I thought there was some sort of porn content there, but bitch is wearing a bra. By reality TV show standards, that’s NOTHING!

Who should’ve gone: I would have kept Jenny around and sent Renee packing.

Best moment: When Frank’s mom started telling Jenny what a whore she is for posing like that in photos.

Who to root for: Annie. She’s making for great TV! Did you see that Big Brother bodysuit she was wearing on her date?

What to look forward to: “Tonight, I feel utterly betrayed!” Who betrays Frank’s trust?! Tune in next week to find out!

The Real World: D.C. This show was pretty much all about my Pimpin’ Panda’s adventures in Girly Town, with a little time carved out for Ashley and Mike’s fight. To be totally honest, the only reason to watch the show is Andrew.

Best moment: Poor Andrew. We’re coming up on week four, and he still hasn’t gotten laid. It’s not for a lack of effort, however. This week he met Alli, a cute blond from the bar, and took her out on a couple of dates. On one of the dates, he professed his love for her — clearly for the sole purpose of getting in her pants. It didn’t work, though, and she broke up with him via email the next day. Bummer!

Who’s hooking up: Nobody anymore! Ty and Emily look like they’re going the “just friends” root, and even the slutty bisexual boy isn’t hooking up. The best quote of the episode came from Mike, after Ashley said that she doesn’t masturbate. “Maybe you should start, so you won’t be such a bitch anymore!” LOVE IT!

What to look forward to: The redheaded girl whose name I don’t know (because she’s obviously not an important character in the show) has some sort of performance. Josh, the artsy guy, makes out with a girl who isn’t his girlfriend — much to the dismay of the roommates.

Shark Tank. The episode for this week was preempted by the celebrity telethon for Haiti. Not that it matters, because this show kind of sucks lately anyway.

Survivor: Redemption. Doesn’t start until after the Super Bowl. We’re almost there…in simple terms, The Tribe has Not Spoken – Yet.

Hot Walrus Porn…Awww, Yeah!

Bow chicka wow-wow! What? Stop looking so grossed out. You know you’d do it if you could, too (hopefully, you’d use less teeth than Wally here).

This video has been making the rounds on the Interwebz today, and I’ve already forwarded it to everyone I know (sorry, Grandma! That was an accident!). Not because it’s funny — don’t get me wrong, it totally is — but because it’s apparently a huge scientific breakthrough. No, really.

According to the Animal Sexual Behavior Wikipedia page, the only animals known to engage in auto-fellatio (so that’s what the kids are calling it these days) are goats, primates, hyenas, bats and sheep. You’ll notice that walruses are nowhere on that list, which means that somebody needs to get off of their fat ass and update the page, pronto.

In semi-related news: BATS? Seriously?!

Reality TV Rundown: Week 2

The reality shows this week were PACKED with sheer entertainment. Rozlyn from The Bachelor got outed as the biggest slut to ever skank up the small screen (at least on ABC), and it was detox week on Celebrity Rehab 3. We saw seizures, we saw the Real World kids get physical (on both an intimate and violent level), and we saw Frank the Entertainer’s mom flip the eff out when the ladies started boozing.

Oh, did you miss it? No prob, I’ve got you covered with some of the best recaps and show commentary that you’ll find anywhere. All links go to photos of the contestants (in new pages), so feel free to click away. Warning: the COED team is not responsible for any permanent eye damage caused by looking at the ladies of A Basement Affair.

American Idol. Last week American Idol returned with two “Try Out” episodes — by far the most entertaining part of the show. The guest judges were Victoria Beckham and Mary J. Blige, and both ladies took on Paula’s role of being too nice to the people who clearly suck (not just at singing, but at life in general).

Episodes like these make me wonder what the production staff at American Idol are smoking. What was with the 60-second Boston history lesson? I watch these shows to be entertained, not learn about what started the Boston Tea Party. . .I mean I  like a good tea bag, once in a while, but not with my American Idol (try to find another girl that can use sexual innuendo in iambic pentameter – I dare you!  You love me.  I know it.  Scream my name!)

We were also treated to the musical stylings of General Larry Platt — a grandpa who wanted to rap about how kids “be lookin’ like a fool with their pants on the ground”. Platt was too old to get sent through to Hollywood, but he’s still famous. Brett Farve is obviously a fan, because this is how he helped the Vikings celebrate their win over the Cowboys:

Worst of the week: The gay kid from Derry, NH who sang Womanizer. I’ll take Homosexual Stereotypes for $400, Alex! Honorable mention goes to the Asian guy, who butchered All By Myself and forgot the words. Next time, write the lyrics on your hand and cheat like you did in 7th grade Biology. . .besides isn’t that what the songs about in the first place – his hand.

Best of the week: Oooh, this is a tough one. There were three that really stuck out: Justin “I was serving a mission in Spain, and I got cancer” Williams, the Mormon from Sandy, Utah; Mike, the ginger who stole my heart; Maddy Curtis, the 16-year-old girl who sang Hallelujah and has a family full of Down Syndrome babies.

What to look forward to: More tryouts, of course!

The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) Well, we officially found out who the giant whore was: it was: Rozlyn (of course, if you read last week’s Reality TV Rundown, you already knew that!). Is it just me, or was it kind of disappointing to see her leave with some dignity intact? Rozlyn kept it classy, even when she was talking with Chris about skanking it up with the production guy. Why weren’t we treated to seeing a Rozlyn vs. Jake showdown? I FEEL SO ROBBED!

Besides that, there was a photo shoot for InStyle Magazine that kept the ladies busy for the first half of the episode. Rozlyn managed to steal that show, too: when she wrapped her leg around Jake, she showed the cameras her “cha-cha”. Afterward, the ladies were out for blood once they discovered that the winner of the date was getting a diamond necklace.

Michelle the psycho thought for sure she was going to win, but it ended up being Ali, the advertising account executive (shout out to my old job, woo hoo!). For the date, Jake took her flying back to the 80s to Palm Springs, where they got all “Makey-outey.” Then, Jake unveiled the big surprise: a private Chicago concert! The two of them spent the rest of their time together dancing like white people.

Who went home: Rozlyn, obviously. She was sent packing after getting a first impression rose, but before the actual rose ceremony. Since one had already been sent packing, only one girl got sent home during the rose ceremony. Turns out, it was Ashley, the teacher from Pittsburgh (so much for The City of Champions!).

Who should’ve gone: This week, Jake gets my (tramp?) stamp of approval. Rozlyn had to go, but I’ll miss having her around. Ashley looks like she got hit in the face with a hot parking meter, so he did the right thing when he showed her the door. Michelle would have also been an acceptable choice.

Who to root for: You know, I’m kind of liking Ali.

Best moment: When Chris told Jake that Rozlyn had been effing around with a production member just three hours before spending time with him, Jake’s reaction was priceless. The first words out of his mouth once he found out was, “Can I get my rose back?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Could this guy get any gayer?!

What to look forward to: More of Michelle’s crazy stalker behavior.

Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

Celebrity Rehab 3. Oh, Celebrity Rehab. Just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any better, you go and show Mike Starr puking gallons of partially digested corn all over his room. Stay classy!

This week’s episode was pretty much the Mike Starr Show, which is funny considering he’s the least recognizable celebrity on the series. As he went through his methadone withdrawal, he really upped the psycho ante. In fact. Dr. Drew was >thisclose< to sending him to a psych ward for a 72 hour hold.

Tom Sizemore made is Celebrity Rehab debut this week, but he never actually entered treatment. Instead, Bob hunted him like he was Bigfoot. He looked through the woods, ran through Pink Dot and went up and down the streets of Santa Monica in search of the elusive Sizemore. Was he ever able to find him? We find out on next week’s episode.

Most shocking moment: Mike’s showdown with the cameramen.

Who to root for: The more I see Heidi, the more I want her to be my crazy aunt. Love her!

Dropout predictions: Tom Sizemore dropped out before even starting — he bailed out of the car on the way to rehab. Will he make it all the way through? Doubtful.

What to look forward to: Mindy McCready’s big withdrawal seizure (part 2!)

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. You’ll have to wait until next week for this trainwreck!

Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. This week kicked off with a fresh take on the old classic, 7 Minutes in Heaven. The girls were given 2 minutes to entertain The Entertainer. The show was also cemented in history as the dirtiest reality TV dating show ever this week…the commercials that ran in between segments included Plan B One Step (for those who are too lazy/stupid to take two pills) and Hedonism resorts.

Who went home: Mandy. I thought this should have happened the last episode, but this week she kind of got the shaft. Mandy got blamed for Cathy’s booziness. Who knew Frank the Entertainer doesn’t drink? I had no idea!

Who should’ve gone: Cathy would have been a good choice. See also: Tammy, the Asian who no speak Engrish too good.

Best moment: When Felicia came out with “I had breast cancer, and had half of my boob removed. I had to have reconstructive surgery anyway, so I got them in size HUGE!” Go big or go home, I guess.

Who to root for: Last week I said that Annie was my favorite. This week she proved my point, by making art out of trash for Frank. Aw, she knows just how to weasel her way into a man’s heart!

Who will win: My money’s on Felicia.

What to look forward to: More whoring, more catfights and more sharing of STDs. Woo hoo!

The Real World: D.C. I LOVE THIS SEASON! Before the episode started, a preview said that we could look forward to Ty “insulting Callie in the worst way possible.” Could it be? Were we going to see him drop a C-bomb on the sweet blond girl? NO! He just told her she was too fat for Playboy. Sure, made for good TV…but he could have done a lot worse.

We also got to see the “Mr. and Mrs. Smith fight” between Emily and Ty. It started because Ty wanted to actually date Emily, who wasn’t having any of that. To really emphasize that point, she started grinding on every black guy in the club. When the roommates all got home that night, Ty and Emily started play fighting, which led to her spitting in his face, which lead to the calmest blowup we’ve ever seen. Is it possible that the producers were able to find 8 strangers who are totally rational while fighting?

Best moment: Ty yelling at Emily, “Hey Emily, how were all the black guys at the bar?”

Who’s hooking up: Andrew, my Pimpin’ Panda, didn’t hook up at all this episode. Instead, all focus was on the Ty/Emily situation, with a side order of Callie’s body issues.

What to look forward to: More of Callie’s body image problems.

Shark Tank. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Shark Tank is best watched with a bottle of booze handy. This week’s episode was the lamest in history — only one deal was made, and it barely happened.

Deal of the night: The creators of Grease Monkey Wipes wanted $40k in exchange for 40% of the business. Robert and Barbara went “halfsies” on the deal, even though the formula wasn’t patented, there was pretty much no proprietary content and together they’re worth nearly 4 billion – But hey, they had a sweet logo!

Delusional douchebag of the night: The Wee Can Shop brother/sister team, who wanted $200k for 30% of their company. The business is for kids who want to buy their parents overpriced knickknacks…which the parents would actually be paying for, since most 6-year-olds don’t have their own jobs. Their flagship location only brings in $13k/year, but they want to franchise.

What to look forward to: More rejections, more opportunities for struggling inventors and more Maker’s Mark, please.

Survivor: Redemption. CAST ANNOUNCEMENT UPDATE COMING THIS WEEK!  Stay tuned.

Midgets vs. Mascots Sounds AWESOME!!

This is the trailer for Midgets vs. Mascots, the movie we threw the big premiere party for back in April. Now that the movie’s out on DVD, people are starting to get mad…really mad.

Namely, Scottie Pippen and Gary Coleman. Scottie’s people sent out a press release about it last week, and this is a highlight of what he had to say:

“In 2008, I agreed to play a cameo role in a movie titled ‘A Tribute to Big Red’ (now titled ‘Midgets vs. Mascots’).  My role was scripted, and the first two scenes went off without any problems.  During the third scene, I was told that four Little People, along with actor Gary Coleman, were going to become angry with something I said and storm off as the scene ends.  Instead, they basically attacked me, with Gary Coleman apparently climbing on a chair behind me to hit me over the head with a phone (twice).

A short fight ensued before I heard the film’s director yell ‘cut.’  As I recall, some of the Little People were laughing as the director explained that the scene was ‘sort of like an episode of the TV show Punk’d.’  At that point, I left quickly without a clear understanding of what was going on.

As for the Little Person who claims he was injured in the attack, I really don’t think I caused the injury or can be held to blame.  To the best of my knowledge, there is no action being taken against me, nor am I pursuing any action.”

Basically, Pippen’s pissed that he was tricked into getting hit over the head with a phone by a midget (twice, apparently). Gary Coleman, on the other hand, is upset that we get to see his balls in the movie. Yup, that’s right…you get to see full-frontal Gary Coleman in Midgets vs. Mascots. And you thought Christmas was over!

Gary, who once stooped so low as to become a real-life Paul Blart, seems to think he’s above getting naked on film — despite the fact that he signed several release forms to the contrary. To be clear, this is the same (little) man who once sold his collection of Gap Kids pants on Ebay for some extra cash. The same (small) person who punched a female fan right in her whore mouth…for asking for his autograph. What a bitch!

Now, I have yet to see Midgets vs. Mascots (I guess I’ve been too busy watching reality TV). That said, I’m adding it to my NetFlix queue in approximately 15 seconds. Call me a prude, but I’ve only seen one midget’s penis before…and he was white. I don’t want to get into it right now, but it was Halloween and I was drinking Captain Morgan. The Cap’n tends to bring out bad things in me.

Anyway! I can’t resist the prospect of checking out a (big?) black midget penis. Will I be able to go back, once I’ve seen black? I’ll let you know as soon as I find out.

Update! Rhymes with Snitch has a screen shot of Gary’s penis, and it’s HUUUGE! Who’d have thought?

Can’t get enough of watching little people run amok? Check out the Top 8 videos from the Midgets vs. Mascots movie — they’re already viral (like you’re mom’s herpes)!

Can’t get enough of me? Catch up on all of the great shows you missed last week on the latest Reality TV Roundup.

Reality TV Rundown: Week 1

Well, we made it through the first week. We’ve met the addicts of Celebrity Rehab, gawked at the women fighting for the love of Frank the Entertainer and heard Mike, the surprising show homo, admit to having sex with 15 women and 5 guys on The Real World D.C. No joke, I replayed that scene no fewer than a dozen times — you can practically hear the music come screeching to a halt when Ty says, “You’ve had sex with five guys?!” Classic. Freaking classic.

Oh, did you miss it? No prob, I’ve got you covered with some of the best recaps and show commentary that you’ll find anywhere. All links go to photos of the contestants (in new pages), so feel free to click away. Warning: the COED team is not responsible for any permanent eye damage caused by looking at the ladies of A Basement Affair.

American Idol. Still doesn’t premiere until January 12. What, you can’t wait that long?

The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) Oh, man. How awkward were those women the first time they met Jake? One of them actually did the “there’s something on your tie…made you look!” thing. Who does that?! This week was fairly boring — it doesn’t get good until the women start getting possessive and drunk.

As a surprise twist, Jillian Harris stopped by with Ed, the dude she dumped Jake for on The Bachelorette. The duo helped him interview girls and weed through the crazies. Obviously, they didn’t do a very good job…Michelle, the neediest girl I’ve ever seen in my life, was given the last rose and allowed to stay.

Who went home: Here’s how you know Jake’s gay: he got rid of all of the overtly sexual girls. If they alluded to having a hoo-ha during their initial meeting, he sent them packing. Case in point: Channy, the Cambodian vixen who told him that he could “land his plane on my landing strip any day,” in Cambodian!!! You know what they say about Asian girls, man! And you give her the boot?!

I’m afraid it doesn’t get much better from there. 10 other girls were denied their symbolic rose, including Kimberly the NBA dancer (!!!), Emily the “fit model” and Caitlyn the “spokesmodel”.

Jake did throw me for a loop when he eliminated Kristen, who may very well be one of those ladyboys you hear about, who walk the streets of Hong Kong. Is it just me, or does she look like Alexis Arquette‘s long-lost sister? Given her penis-packing potential, I thought for sure she was going to take this whole competition! And I was excited about it, too! When she first came onscreen, I started yelling “YOU GO GET YOUR MAN, BOO!” at the TV. When she didn’t get her rose, I cried with her.

Who should’ve gone: Rozlyn, the model/makeup artist. You know how sometimes you can just tell that a girl is a total hobag? Rozlyn’s got that je ne sais skank that makes me give her the evil side eye. Never trust a girl with a weird way of spelling her name — it’s an easy way of telling that she’s trouble. If her parents didn’t care enough about her when she was born to give her a decent name, you can rest assured that she didn’t get enough hugs from Daddy as she was growing up…and you know what those girls turn out to be like (hint: it involves the Bang Bus).

Who to root for: Tenley, the “I was a virgin until my wedding day, but that was several years ago” divorcee. She put the moves on Jake right away, and was the first one to steal a kiss from the bachelor after her “I’m a woman with values” speech (and then she made all of the other girls jealous when she told them all about it! Take THAT, you bitches!).

Best moment: The previews for the rest of the season — who is the Secret Slut who has an affair with a production member?!

What to look forward to: The Secret Slut revelation, of course! The truth comes out next week, and I can hardly contain my excitement.

And the Secret Slut is: SPOILER ALERT!!! It’s Rozlyn. ABC was desperately trying to keep the info under wraps to boost ratings, but somebody let the slut out of the bag early and the info was posted on PerezHilton earlier this week. Still, it was pretty obvious — I had her pegged as the offending party as soon as I saw the way she spells her name.

The Biggest Loser (Tuesdays 8pm, NBC): We finally got to feast our eyes on the fattest group of contestants in the show’s history on Tuesday, and HOLY HELL are they some big sumbitches! This show is all about shocking surprise twists that are never really all that shocking or surprising, and the first episode of this season was no exception.

To start, all of the contestants had to weight in before heading to the compound…in front of their families, friends, coworkers, bosses and neighbors. People must’ve been bored, because some of the contestants got on the scale in the middle of packed auditoriums. When you have nothing better to do with your time than go see some 500-lb man get on a scale for 30 seconds, you might want to reassess your life plan.

Once everyone had sufficiently gawked at the Guido who tipped the scales at 526 pounds, the contestants headed to “The Ranch” to start working out. As soon as they got out of their limos, each team was forced to ride stationary bikes for 26.2 miles, the length of a marathon. The last two teams to finish (Sunshine and O’Neal, Sherita and Vicky) were immediately kicked off of The Ranch.

In yet another surprise twist that nobody saw coming (those producers really like to keep us guessing!), one of the two eliminated teams will be brought back after spending 30 days at home. The team that loses the most weight in at home in that time frame will get to rejoin the cast and compete for the $500,000 grand prize money.

Who went home: Sunshine, O’Neal, Cherita, Vicky and James (voted off). James and John are identical twins that weigh close to 1,000 pounds combined. They each lost an impressive 23 pounds, but it wasn’t enough to keep them above the yellow line, body weight percentage-wise.

Who should’ve gone: There are two ways of looking at this competition from a contestant’s point of view: they can vote for who goes home based on who “needs” to stay on The Ranch to lose weight (newsflash: they all do), or they can vote for who goes home based on who they can beat out for the prize money. Now, I’m a money grubbing bitch. This means that I would kick off the fatter players, because they have the most weight to lose and the biggest shot of winning the competition.

Because the twins were identical, and they lost the exact same amount of weight (kind of creepy, actually), choosing one over the other didn’t really matter. That is, until we found out that one of the guys had an ankle injury, and can only work out in the swimming pool. As a result, the contestants should have seen nothing but $$$ signs and voted John, the healthy (healthier?) twin, out of the game. So, what did they do? Exactly the opposite.

Who to root for: Michael, the 526-pound Italian. If the other contestants don’t watch out, Michael’s going to run away with this whole competition. He started out as the fattest person to ever appear on The Biggest Loser, but he turned that around by losing 34 pounds in one week at The Ranch (a 1-week show record, by the way).

Also, Daris and Cheryl, the mom and curly-haired son team. Why? Because Cheryl is effing hard core. She’s the embodiment of the pent-up rage soccer moms get when they’ve been in the suburbs too long, and I dig her energy.

Best moment: Cheryl screaming at Jillian while working out. You could see strings of spit in her mouth and everything! Second best moment: Michael losing a record amount of weight.

What to look forward to: What else? Jillian making the fatties cry. And, for the less cynical, the body transformations that happen as the contestants start getting skinny.

Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

Celebrity Rehab 3. The first show is always the lamest, as the stars are still on their best behavior/still high during the first day or so. This episode was no exception, although we did get to see Dennis Rodman spit some game at a few lovely young ladies (he stopped just short of saying “it’s not going to suck itself, you know.”) Ah, chivalry. It’s nice to know it’s not dead.

We did get a brief glimpse of what it’s like to be in the life of Mindy McCready, though! Sweet baby Jesus, has that woman led the stereotypical life of a hillbilly or what?! Her boyfriend almost beat her to death, got charged with attempted murder for it, and then she took him back! It’s like a Dixie Chicks song come to life or something, minus the revenge. On top of that, nobody in the house seems to know who she is or what she’s famous for. Bummer.

Most shocking moment: Hearing about Lisa D’Amato’s shocking family life growing up. Apparently, her mother dated several men who molested Lisa, starting in 3rd grade and continuing until she left the house. Wow. Also, hearing Shelly admit to Heidi (of course!) that she used to prostitute herself for drugs was unexpected.

Who to root for: Celebrity Rehab has no winners (is it like the Special Olympics? Even if you win, you’re still retarded?), but there are certain people that you can tell really have a shot at recovery. So far, Mindy McCready seems most devoted to the cause.

Dropout predictions: I’d say Dennis Rodman, but since he’s been ordered by the court to go to rehab, so he’s probably there to stay. We’ve seen previews of Heidi leaving, but I’m guessing she’ll come right back. Tom Sizemore and Kari Ann Peniche have yet to make their appearances this season, but I’m going to predict that at least one of them won’t make it to the finale.

What to look forward to: Mindy McCready’s big withdrawal seizure!

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. You’ll have to wait until next week for this one!

Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. I started out with having big hopes for this show, and I’m happy to say that I wasn’t disappointed! Frank was exactly what I thought he was going to be, a little sweaty, a little loud and a whole lot entertaining.

And the women! Let’s face it: the ladies are the real star of this show. First, there’s Frank’s mother — also known as every stereotypical Italian woman ever. She’s domineering, loud, crass and gauche. Yeah, I said it. Plus, she keeps her couch wrapped in plastic! Still, you can’t help but love her. The other ladies, however…

Where in Jersey Shore reject hell did they find these broads?! What rock did Dana crawl out from under to get to casting? Her roots are like, six inches long! It’s never a good idea when your bangs are a different color than the rest of your hair.

Who went home: Kari and Stephanie, the hoodrat model who was clearly there just to get famous (how famous can a show like this make you, anyway?). They should have changed the show’s name just for Stephanie…it could have been A (Bargain) Basement Affair. Ghetto Fab, party of one!

Who should’ve gone: Frank got it right by giving Stephanie her walking papers, but Kari should have stuck around (and no, not just because we have the same name). The #2 chick to go should have been Mandy, the craziest bitch of them all!

Best moment: When Mandy started cleaning out their fridge. OCD much?

Who to root for: This is a tough one. I really hate Mandy, but I want her to stay on the show to create fireworks with Frank’s mom. If they brawl, my money’s on Mandy…you’ll never win in a fight against a crazy person. They bite.

On the other hand, Annie is a freaking gem (and the clear underdog). How do you not root for a girl like her? Yeah, it looks like she let her slow 6-year-old sister cut her bangs, but she makes for good TV.

Who will win: Jennifer, obviously. She’s gorgeous, well-spoken and waaay too good to be on this show. Maybe she thought she was trying out for The Bachelor?

What to look forward to: The crazy antics of the crazy women, of course. Next week, somebody tries to hide vodka in a water bottle, and Frank’s mom finds out. Who was trying to get crunk at Frank’s mom’s house?! I have a couple of ideas (hint: all of them), but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out for sure.

The Real World: D.C. I have to admit, I thought this season was going to be uber lame. Hell, it still might be, I really don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve fallen in love with Andrew, the horny cartoonist kid who tries to have sex with every girl he sees. He lies, he touches inappropriately and he’s weaseled his way into my heart. Two nanoseconds after Callie told him she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him, he was out at the club meeting bitches to bring home. You’ve got to appreciate that kind of dedication to the cause. If our politicians put forth 1/2 of the effort into their work as this kid does to get laid, we’d have had world peace about 15 minutes ago.

What to watch for: There are all kinds of things to watch for this season: Emily and Ty hooking up, The Pimpin’ Panda, Mike rolling around on the pool table with another dude…wait, maybe not that so much.

Best moment: Watching as the roommates totally ruined Andrew’s chances of having sex with that girl from the bar. The Pimpin’ Panda was pissed!

Who’s hooking up: Things are looking pretty good between Ty and Emily — it’s only episode two, and already they’re sleeping in the same bed. Andrew tried unsuccessfully to hook up with both Emily and Callie, then moved on to some Mystery Chick he brought home from the bar. Mike brought home some dude named Robby, and they went at it on the pool table while I dry heaved in the corner (the remote was out of reach, so changing the channel wasn’t an option).

What to look forward to: On the next episode, Ty and Emily get into a flirty fight…and then she spits in his face. From what I understand, things go downhill from there.

Shark Tank. I watch this show because I like to get drunk and judge others (a full-time job for WASPy women like myself). Is there anything better to do on a Friday night when you’re snowed in? HELL NO! As soon as 9pm rolled around, I poured myself a pint glass full of Maker’s Mark Manhattan (extra cherry juice!) and sat at the edge of my seat.

Deal of the night: The creators of Hell’s Bells Helmets walked away with $500,000 — in exchange for 50% of the company. If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s get a patent. Patent everything you possibly can, because eventually you’ll be able to sell one of them for a half million dollars. Or, in this case, half of a patent for half a million dollars. Damnit, why am I even sitting here typing this out? I should be inventing crap and making money like The Federal Reserve.

Delusional douchebag of the night: Hands down, this award goes to the InkFlip dude. Think of it as Netflix for your printer cartridges, only not as cost effective and approximately 98% more lame. The guy wanted $150,000 in exchange for 20% of the company. After they were finished laughing hysterically, the sharks kicked him out of the room. Like a good bourbon, rejections of this magnitude are meant to be savored.

What to look forward to: More rejections, more opportunities for struggling inventors and more Maker’s Mark, please.

Survivor: Redemption. CAST ANNOUNCEMENT UPDATE COMING THIS WEEK! WOO HOO!

Reality TV Rundown: Week 0

Once you’ve washed away the shame of your New Year’s Eve debauchery and settled into the groove of the new decade (you haven’t broken your resolution already, have you?), it’s time to turn on the TV and saddle up for new seasons of your favorite reality shows. The New Year brings with it the 20^th season of Survivor, the gayest looking Bachelor we’ve seen yet and a new edition of Celebrity Rehab that actually features real celebrities.

Starting this season, I’ll be keeping track of all of the best reality programming the masterminds of unscripted TV have to offer. There’s no need to worry if you miss an episode — we’ll have weekly recaps up every Monday morning, so you’ll have plenty to talk about around the water cooler at work. What’s that you just said? You don’t watch reality television? Riiight. Neither do I. Masturbation? Never even thought about it ;)

American Idol. Season 9 of the show that made Ryan Seacrest a household name premieres Tuesday, January 12. This is the first year that Paula Abdul won’t be judging (she got the heave-ho a few months ago, reportedly for asking for a 500% raise and being 12 different layers of crazy). Ellen Degeneres is taking her place, which is either a brilliant move or the sign of the end of the American Idol era.

What to watch for: The first couple of weeks are the best — watching talentless dweebs desperately screech their way to five seconds of fame is a total ego boost. No matter how bad your life is, at least you’re not humiliating yourself on a singing show hosted by the reigning Prince of Twinks, right?

The Bachelor. Christ, have we really sat through 13 seasons of this crap already? Season 14, entitled The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (see, I wasn’t kidding when I said it was the gayest ever), starts Jan. 4 at 8pm and features Jake Pavelka, the commercial airline pilot that Bachelorette Jillian Harris dumped last season. The show hasn’t even started yet, and already rumors are swirling that one of the girls vying for Jake’s heart was cheating with a production member. Apparently, it’s totally cool for Jake to date 25 women at once, but if one of the girls is interested in two guys at a time, she’s immediately labeled as the biggest skank ho in the history of reality TV.

What to watch for: Drunken catfights, obviously. Also, you might want to start an office pool based on when Jake comes out of the closet. Homeboy is pinging a glittery, inverted purple triangle on my gaydar.

The Biggest Loser: Season 9 of the fatfest starts on Tuesday, January 5 at 8pm. This time, it’s all about couples. Watch as the trainers scream at the morbidly obese contestants, touted as the fattest EVER! They’ll cry, they’ll sweat, they’ll puke and pass out. Sure, it’s sappy as hell. It’s also indescribably entertaining.

What to watch for: “Waaaaaaaah, I weigh 600 pounds, and I have no idea how I got this way!” If that doesn’t help you keep your “go to the gym at least five days a week” New Year’s resolution, nothing will.

Celebrity Apprentice. Okay, so this one doesn’t premiere until March 14. Still, once you check out this season’s lineup, it’s impossible not to get at least a little bit excited. Who’s on deck for the new season? Darryl Strawberry, Rod Blagojevich (isn’t he in jail yet?!), Sinbad (oh HELL YES!), Cyndi Lauper (I think I just came a little), Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels (there goes orgasm #2), Holly Robinson Peete (haven’t seen her since 1993), Carl Leifer (your guess is as good as mine), Bill Goldberg (some wrestler), Maria Kanellis (some female wrestler), Summer Sanders (swimmer, Olympic gold medalist, former Nickelodeon game show host) and Curtis Stone (an Australian chef/warm body they found to fill the empty seat at the table).

What to watch for: Blago pleading his innocence, a Sharon Osbourne/Cyndi Lauper throwdown the likes of which the world has never seen before, Sinbad’s desperate attempt at relevance.

Celebrity Rehab 3. Dr. Drew and his Pasadena crew are back for season 3, which premieres Thursday, Jan 7. This season features the best lineup we’ve seen on the show thus far, and I can hardly contain my excitement. There’s daddy-doer Mackenzie Phillips, Mindy McCready (some country singer), Kari Ann Peniche (Playboy model, former beauty queen and Sex Rehab reject), Lisa D’Amato (???), Joey Kovar (since when does being a Real World: Hollywood castmate make you a celebrity?), Tom Sizemore (this is getting better), Heidi Fleiss (oh, this just got really, really good!), Dennis Rodman (okay, now it’s solidified. I’m not missing an episode) and Mike Starr (the former bassist for Alice in Chains).

What to watch for: I don’t even know where to begin. Heidi Fleiss, Mackenzie Phillips, Dennis Rodman and Tom Sizemore drying out in one place, at the same time?! Pass the popcorn and vodka. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. I was sitting at the bar with a few of my guy friends the other night, and every one of them admitted to having one of their first masturbatory experiences during the Denise Richards/Neve Campbell lesbian pool scene. Add the Matt Dillon threeway scene, and I’m right there with them. I have no idea what this has to do with the new season of her E! show, but whatever. She curses like she’s a member of the Wu Tang Clan, and that makes her A-Okay in my book.

What to watch for: Charlie Sheen just got in trouble for allegedly threatening his wife, Brooke Mueller, with a knife in their home in Aspen. If cameras were rolling when somebody told Denise about it, expect fireworks.

Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. He skyrocketed to fame after getting dumped by New York in I Love New York, fell off a stripper pole and lost his chance at getting rich in I Love Money, and now he’s back with his own dating show, which premieres Sunday, January 3. How do you not love a Guido-ish guy who still lives with his parents? Wait, maybe I didn’t phrase that correctly…Actually, on second thought, there’s absolutely no way to talk about Frank the Entertainer in a way that makes him sound even remotely appealing. Like, at all. And if he’s that pathetic, imagine what the girls fighting for his love and attention must be like!

What to watch for: Did you miss that last sentence? If you thought the Rock of Love girls were crawling with diseases not seen since the premiere of Outbreak, you ain’t seen nothing yet. You might want to put on a condom before watching the show, just in case their crotch critters can be transmitted via the airwaves.

The Real World: D.C. Is this show seriously still on? Apparently, it is (and it premieres January 6 at 10pm). But this time, they’re switching it up by having it in D.C.! How much do you want to bet that they’ll all have different political opinions? ZOMG IT’S GOING TO BE SO ENLIGHTENING! I bet we’ll learn, like, sooo much. Seriously, you guys.

What to watch for: Honestly, have no clue. I always tell myself that I’m not going to watch this trash, but after four glasses of Yellow Tail sparkling wine (it makes me feel so classy! It’s like champagne, only cheaper and more delicious!), I always tune in. And I’m always entertained, even if I do change the channel whenever somebody else enters the room.

Shark Tank. If you’ve ever wanted to drop out of college and/or quit your job in order to be a full-time inventor (and earn millions along the way!), than this is the show for you (season 2 premieres Friday, January 8). It features a bunch of small-time inventors begging for upstart money from three ruthless investors, who always offer around $15k in exchange for 50% of the company and the blood of the inventor’s firstborn child. Usually, the inventors think about it for a few minutes, and then giddly accept the offer. BRING ME THE CHILD!

What to watch for: There’s nothing better than watching somebody’s hopes and dreams get crushed on national TV. This happens at least twice an episode.

Survivor: Redemption. This is another one you’ll have to wait for. The official cast announcement for the 20th season (featuring former players, the show’s best/worst Heroes vs. Villains) will come out on January 10th, but the new season doesn’t actually premiere until February 11. Still, it’s worth the wait.

What to watch for: Allow me to get all SAT-ey on you for a minute. Survivor :: Reality TV = Ryan Seacrest :: Twinks. Enough said?

The $20 Picnic That Looks Like a Million Bucks

We get it. Times are tough, and your broke ass can hardly pay your rent, much less take a girl out on a proper date. So, what’s a dude like you to do? Fret not, fellas – Your wing girl Kari has your back. The answer, at least if you live near Monterey, California, is to surprise your girl with a picnic lunch and explore Pebble Beach.

To start, tell your girlfriend to clear out her schedule for a day (make sure you give her enough notice, assuming she’s not also unemployed). Then, pack up a picnic lunch – it’ll save you from having to spring for the check at one of the fancy restaurants in the area. Grab a blanket, a camera and your girl, and then head for the scenic 17-Mile Drive.  Let her see the picnic gear, but don’t tell her where you’re headed – secrets make great ransom currency and you might be able to make some interesting trades along the drive.

It costs $9.25 per car to get onto 17-Mile Drive, but it’s money well spent for the scenery (also, you get that back if you spend $25 or more at a one of the shops along the way). Put on a good CD – bonus points if it only features songs she likes – and check out the gazillion dollar homes nestled into the hillside.

In just 17 miles, you’ll see harbor seals, sea lions, California sea otters, pelicans, more seagulls than you ever wanted to see in your life and tons of flowers that you can pick for your girlfriend (just don’t let a park ranger catch you). Be sure to stop at Lover’s Point for a great photo op, but drop hints in the car beforehand that she shouldn’t be expecting a ring (otherwise she will, and you DO NOT want that). Toward the end of the road, you’ll run into The Lone Cyprus – that’s when you’ll know that you’re close to the ultimate panty dropper: Pebble Beach Golf Links.

Unless you want to spend $18 for the cheapest thing on the menu (even if it is the most delicious lobster bisque in the history of ever), this is where the picnic lunch you packed will come in handy. As long as nobody’s playing, you’re allowed to freely walk along the course, taking pictures along the way. Your Facebook friends will be jealous, and your girlfriend will think that you’re the most romantic man she’s ever met. Little will she know, you’re also the cheapest.

Pro Tips:

• To avoid the fog and get the best pictures, don’t hit the road until 1pm or later.
• Dress nicely, unless you want to look like a slob around all the rich people.
• Don’t take her to nearby Cannery Row, unless you want to pay $30/person to get into the Monterey Bay Aquarium (when she sees the signs, she’ll start to beg you to take her).
• Dress in layers, because the temperature ranges from 50-75 degrees during the day, year-round.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the guy who sleeps in until noon gets to walk the Pebble Beach Golf Links.

Finally, girls like me (and hopefully yours ) don’t come around every day, so if your chick is a “Keeper” make sure you eventually take her on a date that involves waiter service.  Not sure if she’s a keeper?  Check out my article “5 Ways to Tell if Your Girl’s a Keeper”.

. . .I told you, I got your back.  Relax.